a conversation

THUG KID (to FOXY LADY): Has anyone thanked you yet?

FOXY LADY: What?

THUG KID: Has anyone thanked you yet?

FOXY LADY: I don't know what you're talking about but my husband is right over there.

(7 FOOT TALL HUSBAND APPEARS)

7 FOOT TALL HUSBAND: Is there a problem here?

(THUG KID retreats)

Who'd have thunk

I just found myself uttering the following words with complete sincerity:

"Oh, Christina Aguilera, how classy you are."

Who would have ever thought those words would be spoken about Miss Dirrty Herpes USA 2003/2004? But compared to today's times of cootchie spilling, she is the definition of class. especially if she goes out to the clubs, gets drunk, and shows none of her lady parts because she's wearing JEANS. you hear that girls? the paparazzi can't photograph your chonch if you are wearing JEANS. EVEN IF YOU FORGET YOUR UNDERWEAR.

ps i was in the perfume section of some store the other day and found myself in an aisle with the paris hilton fragrances on my right and the britney spears fragrances on my left. i then yelped and dashed out of there before i was riddled with stds.

Fall Reality Corner: Final Edition

First off, I'd like to apologize for the recent lack of attention to fall reality corner. due to various uncontrollable circumstances, i've kind of been slacking on it recently and i'm very sorry. i'll try to do better come winter reality corner. I don't really have much to say about this finale because i think it was pretty predictable and pretty anticlimactic. i've been rooting for caridee since megan was booted in the second episode, and i was not fooled by the editors (and tyra's) recent attempt to sway the fact that caridee was going to win by undeservingly putting her in the bottom two for the last few weeks. i was hoping eugena would come in second, but i knew that would never happen because it would be danielle and joanie all over again. i felt bad for melrose when she tried to get in on caridee and eugena's hug, but c'mon--don't be an idiot. she totally butted in on their moment and she knew they hated her. that's just weird. hopefully the second place prize was some therapy for that bipolar crazypants. i was also pissed by what a big deal was made by caridee ripping melrose's dress. it wasn't on purpose, it just seemed like it was a time filler. Fourfour made the very good point that the last three episodes of the cycle did not have writers (due to their strike and eventual canning) and you could really tell because the storylines were random and all over the place. and ten minutes were given to melrose throwing a shitfit about caridee accidentally stepping on her dress. ugh. all in all, the season as a whole was disappointing. i was glad that someone i was wholeheartedly rooting for actually one for once, but i really don't think there was a chance anything else could have happened. hopefully the next season antm will be back on its game. if anything, there will be less tyra since her show won't be on hiatus. so, at least that's something to look forward to.

ice is nice

If you're really into watching people fall down (who isn't?) and you live in the new york area, we highly suggest you take a trip down to the Bryant Park ice skating rink. at one point, six different people were spotted trying to pick themselves up at the same time. this activity of watching people fall is heightened if you especially enjoy when the following types of people fall:

1) Guys who think they are something special on the ice and then fall when they are doing some sort of flashy stop. and then immediately pick themselves up and try to continue living as though that didn't just happen and their girlfriends didn't just see it.

2) Older men in business suits and ice skates--especially when wearing a wacky winter hat and especially when they are completely by themselves.

3) children 6 and under

HOORAY

one coolfacer's computer was finally fixed and returned to its warm home today so hopefully we'll be a little better about posting than we have recently. we know you all have been dying without it.

FRC: Lo Siento!!

So, the computer is still in the shop and my new NEW cube really doesn't allow for any privacy as i'm now sharing a room with four other people and my monitor faces the door to the room...so i can't really recap here at work...and i can't really do it at home, so this week, you'll have to get the superduper short edition:

Amanda's out this week. Didn't I call this?

The computer should be back in action in time for this week's TOP MODEL FINALE!!!! as well as the FALL REALITY CORNER FINALE!!! The three battling it out are CariDee, Melrose and Eugena...and i think that's how they'll place. Don't worry all you loyal readers out there, i'll figure something out for Winter Reality Corner...even if it has to be American Idol.

of note

we think it is of interest to note that someone came across our blog by googling whale turds cruise ship. we hope they found what they were looking for.

aren't day jobs grand?

a certain coolface employee has the distinction of working in the glamorous world of facilities management. In this glamorous world one orders such things as shop vacs, sticky mats, keys and on really good days urinal and toilet partitions. yesterday, we had the honor of ordering said urinal partitions and we would just like to share 2 pictures with you from the public bathroom fixture catalogue. i appologize for the poor quality; they were scanned on a fax machine.


this is balerinas dancing in a public bathroom. perhaps they are contemporary dancers and this is some sort of post modern art. perhaps the people who put this catalogue together had a little too much free time on their hands. i am not quite sure what they are trying to advertise here, but i'm pretty sure it's the paper towel dispenser.


this is a bride and a flower girl posing in a public bathroom, and the flower girl is freaking throwing petals in the air! can you guess what this picture is advertising? yes my friend..you are right! this picture is showcasing a tampon/sanitary napkin dispenser.

this was your fun filled introduction into the wild world of facilities management!!!

ROCK UPDATE!!!

who would have thunk it? really? not us. it's not like we predicted this and prepared by offering up three potential name-change-hassle-free suitors. NOBODY would have ever guess that Pamela Anderson-Rock and Kid Rock's marriage (which they proved to the world would last by having four ceremonies) would end. Even worse, WHO could have POSSIBLY seen the divorce coming less than half a year after the weddings. Not us. and certainly not anyone out there. we are so caught off-guard...so surprised at this news that we just don't know how to deal with it. But, although our world is turned upside-down right now, we are of sound enough mind to make sure that we once again STATE TO THE WORLD AND TO PAMELA ANDERSON THE FOLLOWING:

Mr. A. Rock is NOT available as a rebound fellow. He is a happily married rock and we here at Coolface have gotten him into enough trouble with his dear wife Bed. They've recently resolved their issues and we think it best to just leave them alone.

I think Borat is interested though.

Today at the Gym

A man was working out whilst wearing a beret. That is all.

Throwin' Apples

A Thanksgiving Tale

a coolface friend and a coolfacer have an orphan thanksgiving together. the coolface friend suggests that chinese food is ordered for the feast. the coolfacer points out that maybe nothing will be open because--after all, it is thanksgiving. the coolface friend pooh-poohs this thought and says that it is TRADITION to not eat turkey on thanksgiving and these chinese food restaurants will NOT attempt to assimilate. Four chinese food restaurants are called, all of which are closed. after throwing a fit, coolface friend calls the one place he knows for sure is open for their hearty thanksgiving meal...Domino's Pizza. The pizza is delivered by a chinese man.

the end

Fall Reality Corner: Late Edition

Sorry! Still having computer difficulties.

We're still in Spain and we've got four round-eyed ghosts (2 of the same ones!) left and the gorgeous but dead-eyed Eugena. This is the episode where the girls are given maps in another language and X amount of time for as many go-sees as possible. inevitably, a girl or two is late and gets disqualified. This time it was the twins. Wuh-oh. Place your bets now. Oh - ps- did CariDee make out with that hot Spanish dude on national tv even though she has a boyfriend? rock on sister. at some other point Tyra blah blahs about...i don't know...how great she is most likely. and then she asks them what's been said to them in panel that hurts them...but then gets all defensive when michelle says something that Tyra herself said. and then she talks about sacrificing herself for the models. VOM! she also said something about the jungle.
So, Melrose won the challenge again and i LOVE seeing the reactions of the people she chooses to share the wealth with because--you know--they all hate her. the photo shoot is with a bull - Jay comes out in a matador outfit and -- No. No no no. Nigel is their photographer. Sexy Nigel. There's some bullshit (haha! Pun not originally intended but totally celebrated when noticed) about CariDee making some bad joke (that I actually thought was hilarious) to scare us into thinking she's in danger again. i think Eugena did the best this week. michelle also did a great job. melrose looked old, CariDee looked like she was thinking of hot Spanish Victor, and amanda--well..at least she wants it.
It came down to the twins at panel (SHOCKER!! who would have ever foreseen THIS as a possibility!!???!?) They choose to boot Michelle because according to Tyra, passion outweighs talent in this competition. whatever. until next week when amanda gets booted because she's the least talented left and there aren't anymore clones to sacrifice prior.

SlutShop Open!!!

Hey all you Slutfire fans out there!!! The SlutShop is now open!! Head on over to get the latest Slutfire gear and be the envy of all your UNCOOL peers!! Makes great gifts!

in preparation for turkey day

thanksgiving is fast approaching, so coolface has already begun slaving away in the kitchen in order to prepare a wonderous thanksgiving feast for the whole family!

Fall Reality Corner

Due to unfortunate circumstances (my home computer refuses to turn on), this post is late. Due to further unfortunate circumstances (my new cubicle allows for zero privacy and also i'm facing the wall, so i don't know if a boss is sneaking up behind me) this needs to be really short. basically, they all went to spain. they all did covergirl commercials in a different language. all the commercials were pretty bad, but through the power of editing, they were able to mix parts from all the girls' commercials into one kind of decent one. bottom two were jaeda and caridee. i got ready to throw my tv out the window and write an angry letter if jaeda were saved again. yes, caridee's commercial was bad...however, so were all the other ones. there were at least 2 others that were as bad as hers...i think tyra's just picking on her because she's the frontrunner. also, they were all 'we're nervous that your commercial was so bad because you will get a covergirl contract out of this'...what they kept failing to mention was that a) caridee WON the challenge that had them making a silent film b) ALL of the commercials were terrible and c) whoever wins and gets the covergirl contract probably WON'T have to do the commercials in a specific spanish dialect that they've never seen before. and even if they do have to do that, they'd probably have more than four hours to study. ugh. this show really pisses me off sometimes. but not as much as a computer that won't turn on. so, in summary: jaeda's gone....and we all think eugena will be next, but i really don't think tyra will allow a top four of round eyed ghosts...aka whiteys. so, umm..if it's not eugena it will probably be one of the twins.

Team Jazzies!

Pretend you are in a jazzercise class. And now, pretend that every year in this jazzercise class, there is a contest wherein you must choose a partner from the class and the two of you must compete as a team to win various prizes. Now, picture the loner lady named Kina in your jazz class approaching you and asking you to be your partner. And finally, imagine the following conversation happening between the two of you (one coolface mom doesn't have to imagine...) (ps, THREE people approached this coolface mom to be on their team. looks like we know who the popular one in the class is)

KINA: You want to be my partner?
COOLFACEMOM: Sure! Ok, we have to think of a team name. What do you think it should be?
KINA: How about Bubbles?
COOLFACEMOM: ... Umm. Did you say Baubles?
KINA: No. Bubbles!!! Like-- (makes bubble-blowing motion)
COOLFACEMOM: Oh. ... okay. Umm. Do you maybe want to be The Bubbles?
KINA: No. Bubbles!!!
COOLFACEMOM: Ok, so you want us to be "Bubbles"?
KINA: Yeah!
COOLFACEMOM: ...Alright. I'll sign us up.
(Coolfacemom signs the team up as "The Bubbles")

Kazoo Too

Here's another clip for your outtake enjoyment!

FRC: ACTION!!! edition

Party at my house, Anchal is OUT!!!!!

In the beginning of this week's episode, the girls got schooled by gabrielle reece (who knew she was still around) on how to prettily fall in the sand whilst diving at a ball with hands clasped together. sounds painful. and anchal was all "bikini? no i'm fat. why me? everyone else is skinny! i can stretch, why can't i have a flat stomach? pass the oleo! i WILL have fries on my pizza! what's exercise? bikini? oh, thanks, i just ate, but i will have another meal with you! i'm 'shy'. can i have a towel? beach-sized please." and she kind of threw a fit about doing the challenge and removing her towel and therefore got on my nerves EVEN MORE and i was all, if someone gets booted over anchal this episode, well...i don't know what i'll do but i'll be as angry as a DEMON KITTY. i'm not sure what happened towards the end of the challenge because i was blinded by the milky white twins.

so then we go to the real challenge where the girls have to pose with some race car driver (and unfortunately NOT the race car driver that is also a coolface brother) and at the same time be jumping all crazy-like and looking all hot. and james st. james is there and i wish it were seth green as james st. james and not the actual james st. james because he scares me when i look at him. and usually whenever i see him all i can picture is him with clown makeup and between him and atoosa (or should i say atoosaw) and tyra's weave, this show is becoming more and more of a frightfest. aaaaanyway, they all do some jumping and turning and michelle gets all creative (or maybe it was amanda) and hops on the car in order to jump on the race car driver and pierces the hood of the car with her stiletto. at this point in the viewing, the friends that i was with that work in production said "ooh, i bet the production manager on that shoot is shitting her pants right now!!" anchal is by far the worst and again i think 'they better not be tricking me into thinking anchal is going home and then pull a switcheroo'...and then i long for the days that i could just watch tv and not think about all the behind the scenes crap like production managers and editors. but i digress... i was going to give anchal a tiny bit of credit because it seemed like her skirt didn't have as much give as some of the other girls, but then i was like 'oh, maybe that's her own fault for being a fatty.' also, she was terrible. as she has been this whole season. michelle wins the challenge and chooses three people to share in a shopping spree. anchal is all "why didn't she pick me" and i'm all "why didn't you fucking try and win the challenge yourself, lardy?"

the photo shoot---oh sorry the CoverGirl TruBlend Photo Shoot--has the girls dressed up like that one scene in willy wonka and the chocolate factory where mike teevee gets teleported across the room, or like my friend tj at his old job of building microchips, and they are put in a skydiving training tank where they have to try and look pretty whilst pretending to reach for makeup and ignore the fact that their face skin is flapping in the breeze. the fan knocks amanda and michelle around like they're pieces of dust. i cross my fingers and hope to see anchal lying against the bottom of the tank and saying "ok, you can turn it on" and everyone else in the room responding "IT IS ON!!!'

I'd just like to take this minute to say that CariDee is awesome and i'm proud of my early decision to choose her to replace Megan as my favorite. she always delivers and she seems like she'd be fun to hang around with. she also is not afraid to fart in the middle of someone's tyra impression. at panel, it's down to anchal and michelle. but really, it was just to put a scare into michelle because everyone's tired of anchal and they've already kicked out her posse of megg and aj. so anchal is out and i literally stood up and clapped when it happened. next weeks the girls get all international. is it already that time?

HALLELUJAH!!!

Last week, upon finding out that Reese Witherspoon and Ryan Phillipe were divorcing, Coolface lost all hope in humanity, even shaking our fists at the sky and screaming "Is nothing sacred?!?!?!" But today (and apparently 18 hours after the rest of the world) we discovered that the universe has righted itself again. Britney Spears, bless her heart, is finally dumping that sack o' cornrows. According to TMZ, yesterday she filed for divorce from Kevin Federline. thank god for prenups. below is a video interview of faith hill finding out the news of the divorce.



she really thought those two kids could work it out.

More Kazoo

Here's another Kazoo outtake....we'll post as much as we remember to here, but for production stills and other fun stuff, check out Adrienne's blog! Yay! Don't forget to be Slutfire's friend!!!

Slutfire!!!

Hello all you coolfacelets out there. we'd first like to apologize for the lack of posts recently...it has been a very busy time for the coolface employees and hopefully we will be able to get back on track soon. Secondly, there will be no Fall Reality Corner this week, as Top Model was a stupid fucking recap episode. and thirdly, we'd like to take this time to pimp out a Coolface Employee's side project. Coolface Employee Sara was in a short film this summer entitled "Kazoo" and it is finally going through the editing stages.

here is an outtake from the film:



Slutfire has a myspace page, so you all should go here and friend them . Slutfire's hit song "Hot Love" is posted up on their page.

overheard in astoria

true story re-enactment.

pictures yourself walking down the streets of astoria on a warmish thursday night in november and you hear this....

manly guy: - "this is my jam!!"

(cue the beginning chords of since u been gone by kelly clarkson)

Fall Reality Corner: Cop-out Edition

Due to extenuating circumstances, this week's recap is late and will be very short and pretty half-assed:

1) apparently the editors forgot that they have already shown us a lot of the stuff we saw this week, since we heard jaeda bitch about her hair, anchal bitch about being a fattie, and everyone bitching about melrose being a bitch.
2) tyra is a stone cold cunt for booting brooke the night of her high school graduation.
3) tyra looks stupid holding a camera. is she planning on being the photographer of a shoot every cycle now?
4) something something about burlesque something and walking on a table while people are trying to have dinner.
5) saw II came around. will there be a saw III?
6) fabio? really? the whole shoot was awkward and skeevy and fabio is a creep. i wish they had instead done a shoot where they photoshopped each model's face onto a bird flying into fab's nose. and he can be in the midst of enjoying a different amusement park ride for each girl. examples: for caridee, he'd be on a rollercoaster (because those are usually the best rides), for brooke, the teacups (because she's just a kid), for michelle/amanda he'd be on the zipper (because if they turn sideways and stick their tongues out, they'd look like one), for melrose the ferris wheel (because that's the oldest ride in the park), for jaeda the log flume (she so manly), he could be in the haunted house for eugena (dead eyes) and on the scrambler for anchal (that's probably how she takes her dozen eggs).

i'm thinking about a top three of caridee, melrose, and amanda. and i'm guessing eugena or jaeda finally go this week.

monkeys watching sports = OMG!

coolface came across this pictures at bbc of some cute monkeys kicking back and watching a cricket game in india



i personally envision the monkeys watching the game speaking to one another in a brittish accent and saying things like, "good game old chap! cheerio!". Though, they are probably really saying "these people probably think we look so cute sitting here watching this game. i bet they'll be really surprised when they find out that i crapped in that dude's camera bag!"

Running and Falling

it's finally here:

Fall Reality Corner

PROJECT RUNWAY:
aww. this is the last frc for project runway. how sad. even sadder? jeffrey cunt-face won. ah well, i'm not too upset about it because i had a hunch it would happen. i don't know much about fashion but i do know this: poor michael didn't have a chance. my genius boy...didn't do a great job with his collection and he was rightly let go first of the four. laura, surprisingly was next. i thought her clothes looked beautiful, however i was pleasantly surprised with what uli sent down the runway. i think the judges were as well, because it was between her and jeff for the win. and big neck mcgee got the saturn and the money and another fucking reason for his ego and assholishness to grow even larger...but whatever, at least i don't have to deal with this ass in real life. i feel like the reason the editors really turned up the sympathy factor recently was because he won and they were all "oh motherfucking shit, everybody in the country hates this jerk and he wins. how do we make him likeable?" guess what editors? you didn't fool me, suckas. hmm. moving on...

TOP MODEL:
***please bear with me as i'm trying to discover the best format for the top model section. you see, back when i started summer reality show with rock star and project runway...i was able to be brief. i was just discovering project runway and i knew that i didn't need to spend much time on rock star because no one watches it. but this show is very special to my heart and i want to be able to get all my thoughts out...but in the most concise possible way. thank you. -management***

1) Michelle "might be gay". Might be, Michelle? Megan already spilled your secret a long time ago.
2) these bitches have ceased talking about melrose behind her back. they now do it whenever the hell they feel like it. and we finally discovered in this ep that as talented as aj may be, she's an asshole. Melrose did get points for just taking the stupid name calling with a smile.
3) Here are two things Brooke is terrible at. a) Rapping. Seriously. please stop. b) deciphering tyra mail. i would not want to be in the the riddlympics with this kid. or any sort of scavenger hunt.
4) in the challenge, they all have to interview janice dickinson. yipes! janice dickinson kind of awesomely has to pretend like she's passing the reporters for each girl. it kind of seemed like JD was holding back a little. some of those girls were begging for more than the verbal bitch slaps they received...like a true dickinson verbal smack down.
5) i'm always intrigued when they have to pose with themselves for the photoshoot. i am glad they are maybe making this a recurring thing because it's always interesting to see what the girls do.
EUGENA: Beyonce/jay-z. this picture was not terrible. the judges are still going on about "dead eyes" (she ain't got nothin' on katie holmes.)
ANCHAL: oprah/steadman. I hate anchal.
CARIDEE: Brad/Angelina. awesome job. i thought her angelina was stellar, but was also equally impressed when i saw the closeup of her brad. i'm proud of my new fave. the babies were unnecessary.
AJ: j.lo/marc anthony. More like Sandra Bullock and a corpse. AJ is usually fantastic, but this photo, her lack of interview skills, a truly terrible hat, and hives got her the boot. Too bad. i thought she was super talented. bitchy, hot, and talented.
BROOKE: britney, k-fed. nice pics but they really didn't look too much like america's favorite pair of trash...i'm still not way impressed by Brooke the Model. however, i personally would have died if they tried to wrap a FUCKING PYTHON around me.
JAEDA: whitney/bobby brown. anyone else catch the bodyguard on tbs this weekend? jaeda's bobby brown was awesome and her whitney wasn't bad, HOWEVER, aj shouldn't have gone over her. if just for the fact that jaeda has been in the bottom thrice.
MICHELLE: ellen/portia. how nice of tyra to pretend to act the therapist and then use the girls' issues, doubts, and insecurites (anchal as the giant lady, jaeda as the strong man, melrose always as the old people) in the photo shoots. but michelle took this is stride. she's way talented and i thought she rocked this pic.
AMANDA: Demi/Ashton. i thought amanda finally stepped it up this week.
MELROSE: Donald trump/melania. i don't know what that child bride looks like, but i'm sure melrose did a find job. what we need to talk about is how awesome her trump was. i didn't think anyone's impression could be better than mine. you're fiyahed.

Fun with IM

at photoshop82's request, we have reproduced a recent IM conversation here. photoshop82 is an alias, so don't add him/her to your buddy list expecting to get the gory details. coolface2000 is also an alias, so stop being a stalker. the "dude" discussed in this convo has also had his name changed. it will now be "bramlet abercrombie".

photoshop82: oh man
photoshop82: 3.30 and counting
photoshop82: and i still don't have a present for bramlet
photoshop82: little bramlet abercrombie
coolface2000: give him your precious flower again
coolface2000: and again
photoshop82: i was thinking of surprising him in his darkroom at school, if you know what i mean
coolface2000: mhmm
photoshop82: but i have no idea where it is
coolface2000: and you might end up blowing the class nerd

This is where babies come from

In a recent article in the Park Slope Paper, we of the Park Slope Community were informed that Maggie Gyllenhaal, her mate Peter Saarsgard, and their baby (whom we can only hope is named Aaron Aardvark Saarsenhaal) have moved to Sterling Street in the slope. (Yeah, way to completely throw away any privacy the family might've hoped for, Park Slope Paper.) What was most eye-catching about the article was the accompanying picture....paired with the headline in caps:

HELLO, NEIGHBOR!!




Genius.

dancing in the show

Continuing something that we started a while ago, but forgot to keep up with, here is another of our older videos for anyone who hasn't yet seen it. This was the intro to our first show, and the last minute is supposed to be black, as that was when we made our grand entrance. What could these video posts be leading up to? possibly a new video? no way!

and it burns, burns, burns...

A coolface brother pointed us in the direction of the following article, discovered at boingboing. We would put a joke in here, but really, it's not necessary.

LIGHTNING EXITS WOMAN'S BOTTOM
From: The Australian
October 09, 2006

A WOMAN has suffered severe burning to her anus after being struck by
lightning which hit her in the mouth and passed right through her body.

Natasha Timarovic, 27, was cleaning her teeth at in her home in the
Croatian city of Zadar when lightning struck the building.

She said: "I had just put my mouth under the tap to rinse away the
toothpaste when the lightning must have struck the building.

SPOILER ALERT!!!

if you don't want us to ruin antm for you tonight..then read no further...but if you enjoy having televsion shows ruined then read on my friend!

the coolface employees have received word from an anonymous insider that model of the human head from antm model edition will be making a special guest appearance on tonight's antm human edition!!!



human head will be there to teach the aspiring models that it's what's inside that counts!

disclaimer:(a certain coolface employee appologizes for their lack of image manipulating skill).

Coolface Special Travel Report

Topeka, Kansas - heart of the midwest!

what is there to say about Topeka other than, uhhh.

That completes this installment of the coolface travel report.

FRC: ANTM, We Hate Fatties Edition

first off, i want to say that if you are way into top model and you really want to read a great commentary on each episode you should go to fourfour it's 120 types of wonderful. the challenge this week was introduced by some dude that really loved gumby as a kid. is it just me, or does anyone else think that it would be way creepy if somebody was giving you instruction whilst twisting himself around in all different (and uncomfortable) ways. (by uncomfortable i don't mean uncomfortable-looking, i mean creating an awkward atmosphere).
EUGENA won. she's great at these challenges. she needs to step it up with the photos though. maybe she'll have a chance to shine now that she's not monique's lapdog anymore. she did a pretty good job with her beak photo shoot.
BROOKE - i think brooke is adorable. i don't think she's a model. she'll probably be around for a couple more weeks, but i don't think she'll make it much further.
AMANDA/MICHELLE - i wish i could separate these two but the goddamn show won't let me. it's kind of unfair that they're judged as a twosome so often (especially since michelle is scads better than amanda) and i wonder where the show is trying to go with this.
A.J. - i think AJ has the goods. i'm really kind of still hesitant on whether or not her personality is grand. She's friends with Megg and that's a bad enough sign. But i'm gonna still root for her because she's pretty good.
JAEDA - i think will be departing very soon. so let's not waste time on her.
CARIDEE - i think this girl might be the replacement for Megan as the one i'm rooting for. she might be kind of dumb, but that's ok. she nailed this week's photo shoot and she had a strange rubber trunk. ps. does anyone else think it's weird that this episode with the freaks photo shoot aired the week after the my name is earl episode about the freak community and the same week that the new comedy central cartoon freak show premiered?
MELROSE - it seems that monique and melrose's beef with each other was over the title of head bitch. somehow melrose beat out thy bitchiest of all and now everyone has focused their hatred and pointy fingers on her. i do think she's annoying, but i don't think that she's as bad as the other girls make her out to be.
ANCHAL- Ok, this is my problem with anchal. even though i don't like her face, i do understand that she's pretty. although i don't think she's fat, i think she does have a little bit of a stomach. i noticed it the first episode. and no other girl would have lasted this long (or gotten on) with that stomach unless they called her a "plus size". i don't agree with it, i'm just saying that's what happens. so this just proves my point that anchal is only there because she's the token ethnic girl. and she whined and whined about how she doesn't have a flat stomach like the other girls and other girls pick on her because she's not improving...but if you're gonna sit there and cook 4 eggs for YOURSELF, participate in second meals, and eat ice cream whenever the hell you want...but think someone is picking on you when they suggest you do a little cardio and maybe that will help your not-flat stomach...oh nuh-uh. her picture sucked. she was the giant lady (haha. fattie) and she just looked like a pretty lady that owned a small piano. she's not good. she's chunk. she's the token ethnic.
FUGG MEGG- IS OUT!!!! HOORAY!!! i really wanted to photoshop a mohawk on her so she could fit into jeffrey's family, but rock and roll i don't want to look at her face again if i don't have to. and seriously, her picture this week was terrible. and also, hilarious that she was the bearded lady. and thirdly, haha she cried in front of panel and begged the judges for another chances but thank god, they weren't havin it.
ATOOSA - please. for everyone's sake. stop with the plastic surgery. you look like the puppet from saw.

FRC: Project Runway, Finale Pt. 1

this week was the first part of the finale. now, this season is my first Project Runway experience, so I didn't really know what to expect when i heard the finale was going to be in two parts. So, basically what happens in part one is this: Tim Gunn visits the finalists, four in this case, about two months prior to Olympus Fashion Week to check on their status. This is what we discovered on this journey...
Michael is adorable and so is his family. Unfortunately it looks like his collection might not be.
Uli is Uli and at least she knows that. At least she's likeable and her clothes are nice.
Laura has a kick ass apartment and a gaggle of boys. i don't know if we ever saw (or if she even has a girl).
Jeff knocked up a girlfriend of five months. Listen, this is how i feel about Jeffrey (as if we all don't already know)...I feel like we were manipulated into making him the villain but i don't think that was probably a very hard thing to do considering what an ass the guy is. And now they are trying to make us sympathetic by having him talk about how great it is to be a father and drone on about how his dad left at 8 and how he boohoo became a drug addict and we should all be proud of him because he's come so far even though he has the maturity of an 8 year old. Ugh. I still hate him. I was manipulated once...not gonna happen again.
So after this, the designers move back in with each other to Flatotel (interestingly enough, a location i worked on a shoot at which produced the worst tatum o'neal experience of my life) At some point, Laura notices the extraordinary seamwork on jeff's items and the fact that he was able to finish everything (and a lot of it) (even though he went on about how he was also busy preparing his next season) in the time alloted while the other three still had little details to finish. laura goes about it by first sharing this thought with michael and uli..and when they could see that maybe her claim could possibly have merit, she went to tim gunn with it (who in turn took it to the producers). after this she told jeffrey that she told tim. I feel like this was a fine way for laura to go about this if she had legitimate concern. i don't think that she did this just because she doesn't like jeffrey because i feel like a mother of 6 probably knows a thing or two about maturity. We ended on this conflict and all will be resolved in this week's episode. Here are four things we learned this episode:
1) Uli grew up dodging bullets in east germany
2) laura is married to albert einstein
3) michael has an awesome family but especially an awesome dad
4) jeffrey apparently has a mandate where everyone in his family must have a 'hawk.

ANOTHER Reality Show Idea!!!

America's Next Top Has-Been - Wherein ex-reality show contestants compete with each other over and over until everyone has won at least once. Kind of like Road Rules/Real World Challenge, but everyone can play.

the Matchmaker strikes again!

We've had such great luck in our previous attempts at selflessly finding love for other lost souls, we thought we'd try again. and this time, boy do we have the perfect combo. Seriously, why didn't anyone think of this sooner?

Jeffrey from Project Runway and Fugg Megg from ANTM. It's a Rock and Roll match made in poseur heaven!




This love connection brought to you by Quotes from The Donald:

"The 1990's sure aren't like the 1980's."

"Show me someone without an ego, and I'll show you a loser."

"Do you mind if I sit back a little? Because your breath is very bad."

[Source], [Source]

Way to go, The Insider

The other day, tv tabloid show The Insider had a story on a skydiving elvis. Something went wrong with this skydiving elvis' landing and instead of gracefully touching down, he instead hit the ground going 50 miles an hour. The Insider reported that he was in critical condition with a broken pelvis. Then stupid Pat Robertson said something stupid and nasally like "Let's just hope that soon, Elvis will be back in the building". THAT'S the reference they went for?!?!? There is a very CLEAR "Elvis the Pelvis" joke just BEGGING to be made and you go for the "back in the building" line, Robertson? For shame, we say. For shame.

Fall Reality Corner

PROJECT RUNWAY:
This week's episode was a reunion show, so there's not too much to say about it...it's more of a "you had to be there" sort of thing, but here are some highlights...
1) The Return of Keith - Ugh. I forgot how much I hated this guy. He should've been kicked off the reunion too. Especially after he tried to say (three months after the fact) that the famous pattern books that were part of the reason he was kicked off weren't his and were planted there. What an ass. Ugh. I hate him more than i hate jeffrey (and we KNOW how much i hate jeffrey) and i only had to experience him for like, 3 episodes.
2) Fainting Models - hahhahahaha. who knew about this? how i wish they would've aired this shit in the show. Apparently, Amanda, or as i like to call her "Shuffle iPod Mandy", was prone to fainting and more than once they had to stop the show to give her a seat whilst she fanned herself. That crazy redhead.
3) Vince is Crazy - Surprise, surprise. Something that does NOT turn Vince on is someone else ever so kindly doing his laundry for him. (I'm sympathetic because it's probably a PA and i've been through those hard knocks). He was all "scream this and fuck that and get me an airplane ticket because i'm outta here". he wanted to leave the show because his shirts were laundered. and my question was this: isn't vince from new york? did he really need a plane ticket to get out of there? i could be wrong.

AMERICA'S NEXT TOP MODEL:
So the challenges this week were...HILARIOUS. I think the sole purpose of them were to embarrass and torture the girls and to thoroughly entertain the viewing audience. and to that i say, well done ty-ty, well done. First off, they had to walk a tightrope to "practice putting one foot in front of the other"..which translates to: "so that people can see you make embarrassing wobbly faces". They also had to practice walking in a straight line over cobblestone. This was almost as painful to watch as that one Vivenne Westwood challenge. But AJ nailed it. and then there was the photoshoot, where they had to do a runway show on a teetering plank that sat on water and would vigorously shake from side to side if you stepped anywhere other than the middle. Eugena nailed it. and by nailed it i mean fell in the water and skinned her knee. and to top all this embarrassment off, they had to walk around with a fruit bowl on their heads for the judges challenge. And the judges were all "this shouldn't be hard guys, Nnenna [from cycle 6] could do it." What they failed to mention is that Nnenna is from AFRICA and they all basically carry their purses like that over there.
MONIQUE AND MELROSE - This bitter feud came to an end with the booting of Monique. Thank god! normally, the end of a bitter feud is unfortunate, because they're always so fun to watch. but monique was TERRIBLE and not even "Jade FUN terrible". Monique was able to spread her vagina juice on Melrose one final time when she wiped her dirty panties all over melrose's bed. she then fell deathly ill and opted to skip the photo shoot. I think this "sickness" was either a reaction to her own vagina juice, or the devil trying to force himself free of her mortal shell.
AJ- I want to like her. I love her look and she's shown me that she's got the necessary skills, I'm just still unsure of her personality...especially when she chose Megg to share in her challenge win.
CARIDEE- This girl got major points when she decided to give a shout out to crazy Jade by saying "Thank you for believing in me" to Tyra when called second to last in the judging. awesome.
FUGG MEGG - ugh. this girl is NOT PRETTY. I seriously dislike her. Ugh. she makes me want to kill. and fucking learn how to take care of that nappy weave. it is NOT rock and roll to look like a couple of squirrels had a skirmish on your head. Also, a few people have pointed out that she looks like Mayim Bialik of Blossom fame. To that i say, let's just hope there's a photo shoot with 90's hats:


LIKE: Michelle, CariDee, Brooke
HATE: Megg, Melrose, Anchal
NOT SURE: AJ, Amanda, Eugena, Jaeda
HATEFUL BITCH: Monique

Subway Spotlight: Smelly Pete

Today's SS honoree, like one before him, is not an entertainer of any sort, but kind of more like a crazy homeless guy that's been spotted on the F line more than once. And by crazy, we mean probably legitimately schizophrenic. And by homeless, we mean smells like pee.

Normally Smelly Pete sleeps on the train and positions himself in a way that prevents others from sitting beside or in front of him. Also preventing others from sitting near him is the gag-inducing smell emanating from his person.

Well, today, Smelly Pete was half sleeping/half mumbling nonsense. There was no real cause for concern until the words "blows up" were overheard at frequent intervals. It turns out this wasn't any sort of threat, but rather his favorite phrase. Here are some real life examples of its usage:

TRAIN CONDUCTOR: This is Carroll Street.
SMELLY PETE: Fuck Carroll Street, I hope it blows up.

TC: There is an A train across the platform.
SP: Fuck the A train, I hope it blows up.

and our personal favorite:

TC: Stand clear of the closing doors.
SP: Fuck the closing doors, I hope they blow up.

This will be the #1 post because it is about #1 man The Donald

Donald Trump recently commented on his blog (yeah, i know, right?) about a statement Brad Pitt made in an interview with Esquire magazine about how he and Angelina would not consider marrying until everyone else legally can. Trump thinks that this is just a front Brad is putting up to cover his really "excellent way" to stay a bachelor. I have three things to say about this.

1) Charlize Theron and Stuart Townsend were first to put off marrying--er--i mean taking a stand for gay rights by saying they they would not wed until everyone else can.
2) you KNOW that this wasn't Brad's idea. like, seriously. come on.
3) he isn't a bachelor, ass. they may not be married but they have 3 kids together. onion loaf head.

this #1 post was brought to you by the following #1 comments made by The Donald himself.

"You know, it really doesn't matter what [the media] write as long as you've got a young and beautiful piece of ass."

"All of the women on "The Apprentice" (2004) flirted with me - consciously or unconsciously. That's to be expected."

[Source]

all bullshit aside...

Okay, let's do something a little different here. Let's start by saying there is someone that we are ever so subtly trying to get rid of. And that we have not seen this person since the 2nd date, even though there have been endless attempts on his end at communication in the last five (!) months (and only one has been returned.) There is your background.

This is a terrible, hateful, bitchy thing that we're about to do, but we are tired of the calls and the messages, and we think it's time for this. Everyone will remain anonymous. We're almost positive that "dude in question" ("Wilhelm" in this story) doesn't read this, but if he (you) does (do), well here are the answers he's (you've) been seeking.

here is the most recent message, with our 1st person comments in [brackets]:

Subject: all bullshit aside
[how can there be bullshit when i DON'T RESPOND TO YOUR MESSAGES]

Tommy Girl...
[i hated when you first started calling me that, i hate it even more now]

All bullshit aside, I really do long to speak with you again
[that makes one of us]
I know that you're not intrested [sic] in a relationship...
[really? because you contact me as often as if we were in one]
You did a good job of making sure I didn't get too close.
[do you mean before or after you "stuck the tip in" without rubber or warning?]
But does that mean that you can't ever talk to me again?
[yes]
Is there no middle ground with you?
[not for you there isn't]
Is it because we made out a bit or does it go deeper than that?
[what does this even mean? are you asking why i'm ignoring you? because if i make any sort of contact with you, you think i want to marry you. you pulled some way creepy moves early on. you pressured me into moving quickly by calling an average of five times a day. do you need more?]
Hit me back will ya?
[probably not. last time i did that was the first time i did in five months. and all i said was 'thanks for the bday wishes' and you took that to mean i wanted to talk to you again.]
I just kinda wanna know how you've been and why you've kicked me outta your life
[fine, thanks. re: the latter. see 2 qs above]
Soon,?
[no]
Wilhelm
[fuck off]

tasteless but timely

there was a joke we once heard that ties in very well with recent events in the news:

what goes clop clop bang clop clop bang clop clop bang?

an amish drive by shooting.

thank you. we'll be here all week.

Fall Reality Corner: Unbeweavable! Edition

Project Runway:
UGH! Ok, I was just as scared as the next guy that Michael was going to be eliminated (and before Jeffrey, even) but what a flippin' waste of an episode. I'm not gonna waste much time here with it since we all already had an hour wasted. We waited two weeks to see this: the final four (Michael, Laura, Uli, Jeffrey) were given a challenge to make something something that represented so and so. Everyone in the world though Uli would be eliminated in this episode, not because we hate her but it was just logistically the next step. Uli wins the challenge which busts that theory. Then Laura is in. So we're all are shaking in our boots because it's the biggest asshole in the world versus the genius that we all love. They are both in. No one is eliminated. Everyone's going to Olympus Fashion Week. Next week's ep is a reunion. So really...it'll have been a month before we see any real episodes here. Also, a lot of people are starting to root for Jeffrey out of anger from this ridiculous episode. I am not one of those people.

America's Next Top Model:
This season is making me nervous that top model ain't what it used to be. we're only on episode 2, so things can definitely change...but i fear that top model is going the way of 'real world' in that the contestants now are more aware than ever that they are on tv and may be starting drama (Monique) just to get more face time (Monique) on camera (Monique). Speaking of hateful bitches...who do these judges think they are? The most gorgeous contestant there, Megan, was booted last week. I may be taking this personally because she was my early favorite, but the thing is, her picture was definitely not the worst of the week. On top of that, we had major diva issues (again) from Monique, Melrose, and Jaeda when it came to the makeover. (that's another thing! the makeover ep is my absolute favorite and it was way underwhelming this year...except for the whole frederic fekkai thing that none of the models (except Megan) appreciated). Also, Jaeda had the same problem she did last week where she couldn't give more than one pose. Megg had the same problem as last week where she's fug and annoying.

LIKE: Brooke, CariDee, Michelle
DISLIKE: Megg, Monique, Melrose, Anchal*
NOT SURE: AJ, Jaeda, Amanda, Eugena
DOESN'T MATTER: (sigh) Megan

*i'm not giving anchal a fair chance. i dislike her on principle.

America’s next top model – model edition update

It was makeover time in this episode. The model car got a much needed detailing and new paint job. The model airplane got some new “sassy” wings and a new propeller. The gun really doesn’t look all that different, but the makeover really polished him and gave him the confidence he needs to dominate the competition. If only we could say the same about his violent tendancies. The model house had a new kitchen and patio added on, as well as new shutters. And last but not least, the show’s darling, the model of the human head… what she received was just short of a makeover miracle. They cleaned her up and made her look at least 10 years younger by simply removing the brain, shortening the nose and added collagen to the lips. She looks sleek and classic – a true model.

The upset of the evening was that the house was booted off. They had the nerve to tell that she was just too big to taken seriously, and didn’t have “model proportions”. However, she really did not photograph well and her original pen and pencil drawing really did not do her justice. We are sure she has a prosperous career as a habitable home in her future though.

another new reality show idea

AMERICA'S NEXT TOP MODEL - MODEL EDITION!

who will it be?

the model car?




the model airplane?




the model gun?




the model home?




or the model bisected human head?

quote of the day

Coolface Employee Becca said the following in an email and it was absolutely necessary to paste it here for everyone to love:

...oh..some background, this came up during a discussion about the pros and cons of being attracted to someone who is braindead (long story, don't ask)

"unless you're into that kind of thing...what movie was that where the girl fell in love with the retarded guy? oh yeah....every keanu reaves movie..."(Jones, 2006)

Fall Reality Corner: EPIC FIRST EDITION!!!

alright, kids. let's get right into this because we have bunches to cover.

PROJECT RUNWAY:
JK! No Project Runway this week.

AMERICA'S NEXT TOP MODEL:
first, i'd like to say that for the past week, anytime a commercial for top model came on television, i squealed like a 5 year old girl. or..like a contestant on top model. second, i kicked off the season with four fantastic friends and lots of bottles of wine and beer...and honestly, i don't know how i didn't watch ANTM this way before.
So, basically, the first hour showed us how tyra and her cronies narrowed the group from 33 to 13. we were assaulted with those wacky aswirl twins right at the top of the show and i almost killed somebody. but i was jarred out of my anger by tyra's entrance and lots of screaming girls. (why do girls scream like that? what does it accomplish? screaming should only be reserved for times when your brother jumps out at you from behind a wall in a dark room. and rollercoasters...because you just can't help it then) i never understood why antm has this episode after they've already released promo pics featuring the eventual selected herd of models. but, i got suckered into liking and getting to know some of the girls that didn't make the final cut, so i guess i really shouldn't be complaining. whenever i see those first promo shots, i basically group the girls into "black girls" "blonde girls" "the red head/black haired one*" (*hair probably short) and "the ethnic one" and i guess i don't memorize their faces too hard.
anyway, the 33 were cut to 21, and those 21 had to do a nude photo shoot. for their first photo shoot. nude. first. naked. completely. so, all the girls were game except the republican (of course) and my immediate thought was "remember that bigoted, racist, homophobic, hateful republican cheerleader from last season? no? that's because she was cut before the final 13 were chosen." sure enough, shy ol' ginger wasn't selected.
here is a quick rundown of the chosen 13:
CHRISTIAN - doesn't matter. she's off. first off? embarrassing. first off when you are Tyra's biggest fan and have memorized every pose she's ever done? priceless.
MEGG - "the rocker" i honestly don't know why they call her this. does she collect pebbles from places where she has memorable moments?
*i think it's notable enough to mention that christian and megg look like the black and white (respectively) versions of naima, winner of cycle 4. but, less fug. like, way less fug. naima was busted.
AMANDA and MICHELLE - the twins. i thought this was a cool idea, but they're kind of annoying. well, amanda is anyway. and michelle is way prettier. they are identical twins and i can tell them apart already. they also really look like robin tunney. michelle kind of looks like fiona apple in her picture from this week.
MEGAN - my favorite right now. she's gorgeous. and she seems way chill. and her mom DIED ON TOP OF HER after they were IN A PLANE CRASH when she was TEN. and this girl did not cry a lick when she was telling this story to tyra and the jays. if that's not enough to love her, then the fact that she looks like Charlize Theron should suffice.
A.J.- was my fave based on the original promo shot because i like her look of fair skin and dark hair, but i accepted the possibility that she might be annoying...and she just might be..we need a little more time.
MONIQUE- and we already have our hateful bitch of cycle 7. Unfortunately (but fortunately for my eyes) she looks like gabrielle union, and therefore will probably be around for the long haul.
EUGENA - takes a good picture, is thankful that makeup covers up her bad skin (zing!)
BROOKE- cute and playful. looks like she lied about being 18. also looks hungry.
ANCHAL- I don't like this girl's face. an astute coolface friend pointed out that she looks like a hawk. i thought all she had going for her were the blue eyes, but those are fake. she's pretty i guess, she's not a model. this year's gina. hopefully less annoying.
JAEDA- slightly tran-tastic, but seems supernice and has a slammin' bod.
CARIDEE- fun and pretty when she does her hair properly.
MELROSE - umm, her real name is Melissa Rose. i liked her name better before i knew this. she's pretty, but at the wrong angle can be weird looking. almost got the axe.

Danielle was back for her my life as a covergirl! we love her! and she mostly kicked her accent! that's my girl.
here is a helpful chart that explains where the girls stand right now:

LIKE _________HATE_________UNDECIDED_____DOESN'T MATTER
Megan_________Amanda________A.J.________Christian
Jaeda_________Monique_______CariDee
Michelle______Anchal________Melrose
Brooke________Megg__________Eugena

someone give this girl a hand!

i don't want to name any names, point any aloe hands or draw a crappy crown on anyone's head...but it's a certain coolface employee's birthday!!!

noteworthy bits

here are just a couple of random things:

1)a man on the street-- a completely heterosexual man-- was spotted wearing a black shirt emblazoned with the following statement:

"if you got it, flaunt it!

for some reason, i found this notable. i do not know what the reason is...

2) a woman was overheard in conversation saying the following without a hint of irony:

"hell to the no!!!"

maybe she really wants to support whitney during this difficult time by trying to get her most popular phrase back into circulation...this is understandable...but seriously, say it jokingly. otherwise, it's just sad.

2a) someone else that might be saying "hell to the no" a lot more frequently these days? Courtney Love. apparently, captain drugs-a-lot herself has taken on the dubious task of helping whitney kick her habit of getting wasted. no word on whether the two of them will help each other be less trashy. the best part of it all? courtney sprung into action when she saw the tabloid pictures of whitney's crack den. if courtney love is looking at pictures of your home and saying "oh hell no", then you really know you've hit a new low. i can't wait for these two to rerecord that hit song from the prince of egypt, "when you believe", with love taking over the mariah carey part.

syndication, here we come

just wanted to announce that we just passed the hundred post mark with our stunningly brilliant reality show idea. we think it's a sign our show is going to get picked up.

new reality tv show idea

EXTREME MAKEOVER PET EDITION!

before:


after:

Rock Star Update

OMG. This is too good to be true. So, you coolfacelets out there may or may not be aware of this lawsuit that Supernova was dealing with all throughout the show. Basically, there is already a band that exists called Supernova...and they've been around...oh about 17 years...and for obvious reasons, they aren't happy that these "superstars" felt that could just take their name and not deal with the consequences. So, the lesser known Supernova sued over trademark something or other, and guess what the fuck what? THEY WON!!! there was a court date of the 13th or the 14th...so there's been speculation that the reason there was a double ouster early in the season and that they went into the finals with a foursome was because they had to have this show wrapped up by the time the case went to court.
The best part about it all (granted...i wouldn't be this happy about these things happening to them if they had picked Dilana, the person who properly earned that slot in their band) is that the band now HAS to use the name "Rock Star: Supernova". That's how they tour, that's how they release albums and singles. Hahahhahahaha. Take that Lukas. You're in a dweeby band now jerk.

Summer Reality Corner: Final Edition

So, since fall comes around next week, this will be the last summer reality corner. However, there are still a few episodes of project runway left and of course america's next top model...so fall reality corner should be pretty exciting.

Project Runway:
It is indeed sad that Kayne was dismissed yesterday, especially because it was between him and my archnemesis Jeffrey...but Kayne has had a few missteps in the past few weeks (what happened?!) so i guess it was his time. angela and vincent were brought back and given another chance at the finals...but because they both kind of suck and are totally bat shit crazy, they just turned around and went back home. angela was probably like "wait, you fly me to paris and turn me right back around? and then you bring me back on the show and then kick me off again? fleur chon?" and vincent was probably like "i like to play connect four with a banana. clothes? i win!" michael proved once again that he is awesome and amazing and my one true love. laura finally got some well deserved credit and won a challenge. she is also super hormonal with baby number six. it's kind of interesting to watch. she went from zero to 11 in just two episodes. she also went from stick thin to seriously preggers in that time. i'm really liking a top three of michael, laura, and uli. but unfortunately, we'll have to wait two weeks to find out who the top three will be.

ps, poor jia's bicycle/bus accident was finally brought up. this was the news item that i've been so cryptically referring to every so often. i read that she was in the finals and i was nervous that, since she was vincent's model, he would also be in the finals. but i guess they had their facts a little mixed up.

Rock Star:
What happened in the finale was completely ridiculous and just...there are no words....and believe me...this is NOT because i hate lukas. Lukas won. let's get that out of the way. the toddler-faced/pikachu/monchichi/"tranny midget"/christina ricci/weird canadian/(enter any other names here) was chosen after it came down to dilana and him. let's back up a little. final four: dilana, lukas, toby, magni. magni went first. that was no big surprise. toby was next. that was pretty shocking and toby looked pretty crushed. i wholeheartedly believe that the only reason lukas was chosen over dilana was because supernova didn't want a girl. bad move. i don't think they realize how many potential fans they lost and how many people downright hate lukas. a couple other interesting things: about 15 minutes into the broadcast, cbs played this weird survivor commercial intercut with clips of lukas singing his original song. this was definitely a mistake, and spoiled the ending within the first quarter of the show. also, i read an article today that said somebody revealed two weeks ago that lukas would win which led a lot of people to believe that maybe he had already been selected at the start and this whole show was really just an act. this makes two years in a row i've been letdown by the jerk that wins. oh well. what a summer it's been for all three of us that watch this show.

why coolface wants a dog!

Lil' Abner mystery sloved!!!

You know those days where you sleep till noon and don't have the stamina to do anything except watch the 1959 musical movie Lil' Abner? Well, one of us was having one of those days and we noticed that one of the hillbilly extras who danced and sang in numbers including "Put 'Em Back (The Way They Was)" and "Jubilation T. Cornpone", was none other then a young Valerie Harper.



That's right. Rhoda. Which means, of course, that in the 70's to have your own sitcom, you had to also be able to sing and dance. Three cheers for the mediocrity of today!!!!!! Hip hip Seinfeld! Hip hip Hurrah!!!

Hilton's Elk Banned!!!

One of the big news items that has come up in the course of the recent Paris Hilton backlash is her rejection from Ian Schrager's Gramercy Park Hotel and Rose Bar. Apparently, the bouncer was told by Schrager to not let the likes of paris hilton or her elk through the ropes. That poor poor elk.

Summer Reality Corner

Rock Star:
Supernova made an unfortunate move by booting Storm Large when they had their first opportunity to release that wood-nymph lukas back into the wild. Supernova, listen to me: his voice doesn't not match you. his personality does not match you. he's a huge asshole. he never forms words, he just kind of wails and moves his mouth around. when he sang the first line of livin on a prayer last week (johnny used to work on the dock) it came out as "onnneeoosawuhrkonnnadaaahhhhh" . anyway. bad move. storm was way talented. definitely capable enough to keep those boys in their place. and i think a much better contender than lukas. whatever. i'm not in supernova, so apparently what i think isn't important. ugh. final four are dilana, toby, magni, and lukas. i think the two it'll come down to are dilana and toby. interestingly enough, storm was the last american contestant...we've got quite the multi-culti final four: iceland, australia, canada, and south africa. way to go planet earth! i think it's also notable to mention that toby dedicated his song to steve irwin. toby is perfect.

Project Runway:
Hooray! Vincent is out! So my connecting the dots of that news item was wrong....i'm still not gonna bring it up here because it could still be a spoiler...but thank god. if laura were booted over vincent, i don't know what i would've done. i am of the group that did not think jeffrey's dress was the best...i thought uli had that challenge in the bag...but maybe it's just because i hate all things jeffrey. it's possible. i also realized in this episode that there are only two women remaining. interesting. i feel like by the time project runway has its finale, it'll already be fall reality corner time. but do you know what we have to look forward to then? america's next top fucking model. september 20th. don't you dare miss it.

Holy Crap!

check out this article from cnn.com! This amazing emergency room nurse came home to find an intruder in her house armed with a hammer, so she STRANGLED HIM TO DEATH WITH HER BARE HANDS!!!!

woahmg.

my first thoughts upon reading this article were to send it to my mom so she could start practicing her strangling techniques. just. in. case.

did you ever wonder?????

if your troll dolls come to life while you sleep and watch your television, eat your food and inhale your soul through their strange distended bellies?






no. me neither.

everyone else is talking about her...so we will too!

The big news item of the day is Vanity Fair's pics of Suri Cruise with "parents" Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes. And goddamn if she isn't a beautiful baby. gorgeous blue eyes and an extraordinary amount of hair. I guess all those early reports of Suri Sightings promising all that hair were true. Unless you are among the many that believe it is some sort of wig or hairpiece. which it very well could be. and like...i can see a little tom resemblance around the mouth area...but C'MON! that baby is totally asian!

link via BWE

Dream Interpretation Time!

last night, i had a dream that i was with a coolface mom and a coolface brother and for some reason we had all taken something to induce vomiting (i really don't know. and this is all very strange because i am not ok with vom) and the cf mom and the cf bro were successful in their attempts but i couldn't do it due to my intense dislike of the sport. finally they were goading me on all "c'mon, it's not as bad as you're picturing it. just relax" kind of creepy-like...and then i was successful and we were able to move on to whatever activity that required us to induce vomiting. but, i never got to find out what that was because as i was spitting at the end of the act, i wake myself up in the middle of ACTUALLY SPITTING ON MYSELF. gross. anyway, one member of the fellowship of the coolfacelets suggested i had this dream because i was feeling nauseous in my sleep so it translated to dreamworld. anyone else have a suggestion?

R.I.P.

I'm caught off guard at how sad i was upon reading about the death of crocodile hunter Steve Irwin . He was surprisingly not killed by one of those crocs he loved to taunt, but actually by a blow to the chest from the tail of a deadly stingray. he's now joined Grizzly Man in the ranks of "umm...maybe he had it coming"... but still. it's pretty sad.

remember when he almost fed his baby to that crocodile?

Summer Reality Corner

Sorry this is a little late...but c'mon, was anyone really affected by my tardiness?

ROCK STAR:
Hallelujah, Ryan's gone! Thank god. I mean, points for most improved, but Suzy was most improved last year and she paled in comparison to the rest of the contestants...and if you knew suzy, you'd know i just kind of dissed ryan. and if dilana or storm were booted over ryan, i would've been mighty pissed. my dream top three are dilana, storm, and toby - i'd be fine if magni snuck in there...but i really need lukas to go next.

PROJECT RUNWAY:
Hallelujah again - crazy angela is out. listen, i was warming up to her and i definitely sided with her during any altercations with jeffrey (i hate jeffrey)...but she was fleur-loopy. it kind of sucked how she got flown all the way to paris just to be told "peace. don't let the door hit you where the rosettes split you" and put right back on that plane, but better her than anyone remaining....except vincent. and jeff of course. he's an asshole of the largest variety- but unfortuantely is immune next week (i think?) so here's hoping vince goes this week. (though that news item of a few months ago keeps coming to mind...)

A motivational poster - by coolface

Return to Scientology, Chapter IV: A New Hero

The latest in the scientology saga:

I was walking behind this very tall man, whom i will call "New Hero", and there was a lady scientologist handing out those familiar "free dianetics screening" cards. The man in front of me ignored her at first, so she then thrust the card at me. I dodged her arm as though she were chucking chinese throwing stars at me and New Hero, for some reason (maybe the bright colors on the card) decided that ignoring this lady was a mistake, and that he, indeed, wanted whatever she was handing out. so, he turns back around and takes the card from her hand. i, still behind him, am eagerly awaiting his reaction. will he chuck it on the ground, to join all the other discarded attempts at brainwashing? or will he thoughtfully stuff it in his pocket, so he can throw it away in the privacy of his own home? seconds pass as he studies what's on the card, and then comes his reaction...the NEW best reaction ever...New Hero shouts, "UGH! Scientology?!?! FUCK THAT!" and tosses the card on the sad, wet ground.

aww! a kitty!

walking down the street the other day, i pass one of those UHO change donation tables where they ask for "just one penny!" from each passer-by to feed the homeless. on the table, in addition to the water bottle that collects the change, there was a bag. and inside this bag was an angelic sleeping kitten. and when i say kitten, i mean like an adorable tiny little tiny baby kitten. so, there are two kids standing next to the table petting this ball of cuteness and then i look behind them and there is a HUGE crowd of people gathered around the table just STARING at the kitten. like, taking time out of their day to just stand there and stare at this kitten. maybe all the wars would stop if we just put kittens in bags on tables everywhere.

Summer Reality Corner

Project Runway:
my heart was heavy having to watch this episode sans the very talented alison, but ah well...what are you gonna do? robert best proved that he is more like robert mediocre or robert boring when he rolled a third snooze-inducing 'fit down the runway. and unfortunately, he had to pay with his life. oh wait no...wrong show. he was just kicked off. jeffrey proved to the world that he is, in fact, one of the largest assholes on the planet by dissing SOMEONE ELSE'S mom. now i don't know about everyone else, but i heart my coolface mom to the max, so when i see any mom in the world being dissed (or even worse jeff, insulted to the point of tears. you heartless bastard) i get angry. or maybe i should change that sentence to "when i see any mom in the world being dissed, i get pissed." maybe i shouldn't. anyway, i guess the editors were trying to get us to be all sympathetic because we found out that poor jeffrey is a recovering alcoholic and has had many struggles in his life. oh boohoo, if alcohol gave him tact then maybe he should keep on drinking it. in the end, after barbie best was auf'd, we see jeffrey crying in his mommy's lap and muttering something like "they keep kicking off the genuinely good people here. and there aren't a lot left" yeah jeff. and you're not one of them. good people are going while assholes like you get to stick around and shred stuff and make it uneven.

Rock Star:
due to a time change snafu (that cbs did NOT properly advertise), i missed this week's elimination episode. but from what i gather from the webisode and various clips (and the comments of a coworker...finally! someone else who watches the show!) i discovered that patrice was kicked off. unfortunate, but it was her time. i'd ask for another holla back from austin, but no one holla'd back the first time. my boyfriend toby was also in the bottom three as well as magni. i don't understand why Lukachu-chu is still there, but i guess they need someone to scurry around and collect various acorns and berries for them. also, apparently dilana dug herself a grave. i mean, this girl had this competition in the bag. all she needed to do was not fuck up. but i guess she did by bad mouthing the other rockers to the press. apparently dave and supernova did not take to this very well, but i can't properly discuss any of this because there were no clips of it online. so...i'd love lukas to go next, but at this point there's really no telling who it might be. my random guess is magni.

a theoretical question

if you crossed a turtle and a bird would it make a turd?

coolface dad joke time

Here is a joke made by a coolface dad about the whole tom cruise/paramount divorce":

Tom Cruise? More like Tom LOSE!

How to announce to the world that you are nerd

Set your cell phone ringtone to the the theme song from Star Trek: The Next Generation

(bonus points if you rock out to it before you pick up the call)

Coolface reporting on violence in Queens

The other day a coolface employee witnessed a squirrel punch a pigeon in the face. The squirrel ran up a tree and holding on to the peanut they were fighting over, stared back menacingly at the stunned pigeon.

You, reader, have been warned. If you get punched in the face by an angry squirrel it’s your own damn fault for not letting him have that peanut you found on the ground. I’m talking to you pigeon! I know you read this blog!

let us mourn

R.I.P. Ellsworth, you lovable cocksucker, you.

Ryder Robinson

We just want to make sure you guys understand how dire the situation is:




no, kate hudson does not have a daughter.

but apparently she wants one.

pic source

Horror in lovetown

Kate has left her hairy husband for Owen Wilson. What else would be the obvious step for a 21 year old marry-ier of a ugy guitarist or singer or whatever the hell he is? But doesn't she see that she is just getting into the same situation with a similar man??? (coolfacer cries drunkenly to her self for a moment) but also dude...Kate..fuck who ever you want...just cut your baby's HAIR.

The Coolface way

How to speak with your office accountant: The Coolface way.

Note: this is a real email exchange that took place between a coolfacer and her accountant.

To:Coolfacer
From: Accountant

do you have certified mail and return receipt forms??

From: Coolfacer
To: Accountant

yea
From: Accountant
To: Coolfacer

may I have some?

From: Coolfacer
To: Accountant

eat shit

SRC: Project Runway Edition

What. the fuck?! There is absolutely no way ANYBODY can justify to me why Alison would be booted over Vincent. Not based on last night and not based on any past work. I read some news article recently and if I connect the dots, la la la, then I"m not a-likin' what I'm a-seein'. They tried to berate Alison because her creation made the model look fat? Wasn't Tim talking about how Alison's model was the biggest of them all? they got on her because she got the fat model and she couldn't cover it with trash. as a coolface brother put it, "Not her fault her model couldn't stay away from the twinkies." I also love how Heidi was all "If I had the choice between being a fat minnie mouse and long and slender, I'd choose long and slender." WHAT?!? You WOULD?!? {"because most people would want to be a fat fucking minnie" - coolface brother}. I still hate Jeff and his chick (as in baby bird) hair and his huge neck and his stupid face and the fact that he's 36 and acts like a child, but right now I need Vincent to go before Jeff. M'boy Michael won his second challenge in a row. i'm so proud of my genius.

Summer Reality Corner: Rock Star Edition

Zayra's time has finally come. And, surprisingly, it was a little sad...but there was no other way...Supernova and the producers had stretched that out as long as they could. It was funny how they told Patrice that since she's been put in the bottom three (like, 3 times maybe) even though they like her voice, they have to consider what that means. Shockingly, there was no mention of Zayra's 34 visits to the bottom two. Speaking of Patrice...I like her but she'll probably go soon. And she's too smiley. It's probably because she's from Austin and Austin rules so she has nothing to be sad about. Holla back Austin!! I really like Storm and thought they judged her rearrangement of "I will survive" unfairly. Toby is still sexy. I have a deep dislike for Lukas. Dilana basically already has the job (and damn well deserves it)...they're really just going through the motions right now. Ryan is a prick, but he may have a good shot (if dilana weren't in this competition). Magni is bald. Tune in next Tuesday at 9 on cbs and join the fun!


In other news:

Lindsay Lohan of the Week

Let's take some time to consider the following two quotes from the mouth of our favorite redhead, Lindsay Lohan:

From Nickelodeon magazine:
Q: if you were a teacher, what subject would you teach?
Linds: I think I could teach anything I set my mind to. Maybe Ethics.

--It's really great that Lindsay has such a positive attitude about her career in teaching. I'm sure she COULD teach anything she set her mind to. Except Ethics.

From NY Post via BWE

"If I'm going to give my body to someone I'd rather them not be with other people. But I want to be able to if I like someone else."

--This hypocrite wants to be your Ethics teacher.

I am SO sorry...

...that i can't stop talking about these Times Square scientologists, but I'm so intrigued by their journey. It's like they're just discovering life. Today's chapter involves my friend, Alien Man (once again) and a new character whom I will affectionately call "My Heroine". Their interaction follows:

AM hands MH a Dianetics card. She looks at it, recognizes what it is and, interestingly enough, does not one-handed angrily crumple it in his face, does not discard it in the nearest trash can...does not even discard it on the nearest ground. She takes the time to give it back to him (he, of course, is following her) and says, "No. I don't want this." (!) He responds (creepily) with "Can I talk to you about it?". My Heroine's response? "Absolutely not."

How frickin awesome, right?

Coolface goes poetic

Coolface appreciates the finer things in life, particularly literature and poetry. Therefore, we give to you a poem written many moons ago on a paper bag by a Coolface father:

I sit and think
I shit and stink.

Fin

Coolface shame alert!

Last night at the resturant she works at, a coolfacer was told by a fat optometrist that she "looked ok for that weight." Let this be a warning to anyone who trusts optometrist to not be asshats.

Thank you.

everyone loves free stuff!!!

So apparently, around season premiere time in Times Square, if you're in the right place at the right time, you can get a LOT of free shit. Yesterday, i passed the Weeds Munchie Mobile where they were handing out tiny little ben and jerry cherry garcia ice creams, weeds keychain bottle openers (quite possibly equipped with built-in roach clip), brownies, t-shirts and other stuff promoting monday night's premiere of the second season. i walked away with ice cream and a bottle opener and was pleased. and then today, i was handed a tshirt promoting tonight's premiere of parco p.i. on court tv AND treated to a sweet helping of eye candy as a gaggle of hunktastic men in roman gear walked the streets with big banners declaring today's release of the first season of rome on dvd. and all i had to do was walk from the train to work! amazing. i recently watched The Corporation and was educated about the various evil methods of marketing ...but you know, i got a bunch of free stuff so i really don't care right now.
the downside to this showering of gifts is - yep, you guessed it - those crafty scientologists. always trying to ruin everyone's fun. i think they've jumped on the fact that people are now willing to reach their hands out to grab anything right now since there's a good chance it's gonna be something pretty great. instead of sticking to the one block radius they float around in, it's now been expanded to four blocks and their troops have increased threefold. my special friend from last week tried to seduce me with his dianetics film again, but didn't put up as good a fight as last time. here is how our second conversation unfolded:

AM: Hi!
ME: No thanks.
AM: Ok! (walks away)

and now because i feel obligated to promote them since i accepted their merchandise:
watch Weeds Mondays on Showtime! watch Parco PI Tuesdays on CourtTV! buy HBO's Rome, Season 1 on DVD!
(i fell right into their trap)

ER Commercial

Most of you have probably already seen this video from our first show, but just in case you missed it, check it out:



more videos coming soon!

the coolface way

a good way to up the value of your home is to install a second bathroom. We recommend the fast and simple coolface method of installing a secondary bathroom anywhere in your cramped studio apartment.



...and done.

Summer Reality Corner

PROJECT RUNWAY: Sad for Brad...
Don't get me wrong, Bradley's modernization of Cher's look was totally hid, but i'm definitely gonna miss his peculiar sense of humor. vincent's modern twiggy was also pretty fug, and i don't really enjoy anything about him except that he reminds me of elton john...so lets hope he goes before anyone else we like does. ps congratulations michael on finally getting the attention he deserved and winning a challenge! michael + nazri + pam grier = a dream

ROCK STAR: SUPERNOVA: Dreams do come true!
So, remember how the last two weeks i've been all "josh and jill need to go"? well guess what the eff happened last night?! THEY KICKED THEM BOTH OFF!!! Thank god. Now all we need to do is get rid of Toddler-faced Pikachu O'Riley (or Lukas, as he's known to the rest of the world) and zayra (who are we kidding, mr. peanut isn't going anywhere!) and we'll have ourselves a real competition.

THIS JUST IN!!! BUSH CALLS MUSLIMS FASCISTS!

President Bush shocked me and several other today when he referred to the Muslim extremests we have come to loving call "terrorists" as "fascists". As the word "fascism" most often refers to a political philosphy, or regime that stands for a centralized autocratic government, with "messed up standards" we should then assume that the muslim extremests have taken over the government of all the Middle east, and are no longer opperating out of secret locations in a clandestine manner!

In other news! the Fascists are no longer alowing Americans to carry liquids onto airplanes. Damn those fascists.

Stop the Madness!!

ohmygod. who keeps posting comments on our precious blog with poor grammar and senseless links? you may have seen it...it's littered about 6 or 7 times throughout the entire blog on random posts with :

"Here are some links that might be interested"

and you click on it and its some senseless crap. so, NO, we're not interested. and the links aren't interested in us. whatever you mean by that. leave us alone.

we've got our eyes on that suspicious international visitor that comes to us without a referral. we've got a tracker, buddy. we'll find you. and we'll make you pay. our posse is HUGE. MUY GRANDE. TRES ENORMEMENT. QUITE LARGE. A HEAPIN' LOT. FECKIN MASSIVE LANGERS. MUITO ENORME. PEK BUYUK.

So, that should cover the U.S., Canada, Spain, France, the U.K., Australia, Ireland, Portugal, and Turkey. That takes care of all our international "friends" aside from India. i couldn't find a hindi translation dammit.

Zayra Alvarez

For everyone who missed Rock Star last night (or should i just say, for everyone) and are wondering what crazy zayra wore, here is a pic from her performance.




and yes, i do insist on writing about rock star: supernova even though i'm the only person who watches it


want to catch the performance videos so you know what we're talking about? Click here!

How to: The coolface way!

If you really want to get your boss's attention, we present to you the RIGHT way to ask for a raise.

more reasons to hate mel

as if the anti-semitic stuff wasn't enough, someone was smart enough to go and dig up old crazy shit this drunk said. According to a 1992 interview from the Spanish paper "El Pais" (from NY Times), melly g. said the following in regards to homosexuality:

"Do I sound like a homosexual? Do I talk like them? Do I move like them?"

Interestingly enough, the female officer present at the time Gibson was taken in to the station was interviewed, and her breasts said the following:

"Do I sound like tits made of sugar? Do I talk like them? Do I move like them?"

Save a dog!

ever been in that awkward situation where you're out with your dog and a few of your closest friends at a fancy restaurant and young fido starts choking on a shrimp tail? well, coolface is here to help! for future reference, a pictorial representation of the proper way to perform the heimlich on your furry best friend:



For more info on dog choking, click here!

For your Sunday viewing pleasure

While you were wasting your time on myspace, these kids got themselves stuck in grabber machines.





Could you spare $.50 so we can try to win that little boy?