Tuesday, August 29, 2006

Return to Scientology, Chapter IV: A New Hero

The latest in the scientology saga:

I was walking behind this very tall man, whom i will call "New Hero", and there was a lady scientologist handing out those familiar "free dianetics screening" cards. The man in front of me ignored her at first, so she then thrust the card at me. I dodged her arm as though she were chucking chinese throwing stars at me and New Hero, for some reason (maybe the bright colors on the card) decided that ignoring this lady was a mistake, and that he, indeed, wanted whatever she was handing out. so, he turns back around and takes the card from her hand. i, still behind him, am eagerly awaiting his reaction. will he chuck it on the ground, to join all the other discarded attempts at brainwashing? or will he thoughtfully stuff it in his pocket, so he can throw it away in the privacy of his own home? seconds pass as he studies what's on the card, and then comes his reaction...the NEW best reaction ever...New Hero shouts, "UGH! Scientology?!?! FUCK THAT!" and tosses the card on the sad, wet ground.

Friday, August 25, 2006

aww! a kitty!

walking down the street the other day, i pass one of those UHO change donation tables where they ask for "just one penny!" from each passer-by to feed the homeless. on the table, in addition to the water bottle that collects the change, there was a bag. and inside this bag was an angelic sleeping kitten. and when i say kitten, i mean like an adorable tiny little tiny baby kitten. so, there are two kids standing next to the table petting this ball of cuteness and then i look behind them and there is a HUGE crowd of people gathered around the table just STARING at the kitten. like, taking time out of their day to just stand there and stare at this kitten. maybe all the wars would stop if we just put kittens in bags on tables everywhere.

Summer Reality Corner

Project Runway:
my heart was heavy having to watch this episode sans the very talented alison, but ah well...what are you gonna do? robert best proved that he is more like robert mediocre or robert boring when he rolled a third snooze-inducing 'fit down the runway. and unfortunately, he had to pay with his life. oh wait no...wrong show. he was just kicked off. jeffrey proved to the world that he is, in fact, one of the largest assholes on the planet by dissing SOMEONE ELSE'S mom. now i don't know about everyone else, but i heart my coolface mom to the max, so when i see any mom in the world being dissed (or even worse jeff, insulted to the point of tears. you heartless bastard) i get angry. or maybe i should change that sentence to "when i see any mom in the world being dissed, i get pissed." maybe i shouldn't. anyway, i guess the editors were trying to get us to be all sympathetic because we found out that poor jeffrey is a recovering alcoholic and has had many struggles in his life. oh boohoo, if alcohol gave him tact then maybe he should keep on drinking it. in the end, after barbie best was auf'd, we see jeffrey crying in his mommy's lap and muttering something like "they keep kicking off the genuinely good people here. and there aren't a lot left" yeah jeff. and you're not one of them. good people are going while assholes like you get to stick around and shred stuff and make it uneven.

Rock Star:
due to a time change snafu (that cbs did NOT properly advertise), i missed this week's elimination episode. but from what i gather from the webisode and various clips (and the comments of a coworker...finally! someone else who watches the show!) i discovered that patrice was kicked off. unfortunate, but it was her time. i'd ask for another holla back from austin, but no one holla'd back the first time. my boyfriend toby was also in the bottom three as well as magni. i don't understand why Lukachu-chu is still there, but i guess they need someone to scurry around and collect various acorns and berries for them. also, apparently dilana dug herself a grave. i mean, this girl had this competition in the bag. all she needed to do was not fuck up. but i guess she did by bad mouthing the other rockers to the press. apparently dave and supernova did not take to this very well, but i can't properly discuss any of this because there were no clips of it online. so...i'd love lukas to go next, but at this point there's really no telling who it might be. my random guess is magni.

a theoretical question

if you crossed a turtle and a bird would it make a turd?

coolface dad joke time

Here is a joke made by a coolface dad about the whole tom cruise/paramount divorce":

Tom Cruise? More like Tom LOSE!

Wednesday, August 23, 2006

How to announce to the world that you are nerd

Set your cell phone ringtone to the the theme song from Star Trek: The Next Generation

(bonus points if you rock out to it before you pick up the call)

Tuesday, August 22, 2006

Coolface reporting on violence in Queens

The other day a coolface employee witnessed a squirrel punch a pigeon in the face. The squirrel ran up a tree and holding on to the peanut they were fighting over, stared back menacingly at the stunned pigeon.

You, reader, have been warned. If you get punched in the face by an angry squirrel it’s your own damn fault for not letting him have that peanut you found on the ground. I’m talking to you pigeon! I know you read this blog!

Monday, August 21, 2006

let us mourn

R.I.P. Ellsworth, you lovable cocksucker, you.

Saturday, August 19, 2006

Ryder Robinson

We just want to make sure you guys understand how dire the situation is:

no, kate hudson does not have a daughter.

but apparently she wants one.

pic source

Horror in lovetown

Kate has left her hairy husband for Owen Wilson. What else would be the obvious step for a 21 year old marry-ier of a ugy guitarist or singer or whatever the hell he is? But doesn't she see that she is just getting into the same situation with a similar man??? (coolfacer cries drunkenly to her self for a moment) but also dude...Kate..fuck who ever you want...just cut your baby's HAIR.

Friday, August 18, 2006

The Coolface way

How to speak with your office accountant: The Coolface way.

Note: this is a real email exchange that took place between a coolfacer and her accountant.

From: Accountant

do you have certified mail and return receipt forms??

From: Coolfacer
To: Accountant

From: Accountant
To: Coolfacer

may I have some?

From: Coolfacer
To: Accountant

eat shit

SRC: Project Runway Edition

What. the fuck?! There is absolutely no way ANYBODY can justify to me why Alison would be booted over Vincent. Not based on last night and not based on any past work. I read some news article recently and if I connect the dots, la la la, then I"m not a-likin' what I'm a-seein'. They tried to berate Alison because her creation made the model look fat? Wasn't Tim talking about how Alison's model was the biggest of them all? they got on her because she got the fat model and she couldn't cover it with trash. as a coolface brother put it, "Not her fault her model couldn't stay away from the twinkies." I also love how Heidi was all "If I had the choice between being a fat minnie mouse and long and slender, I'd choose long and slender." WHAT?!? You WOULD?!? {"because most people would want to be a fat fucking minnie" - coolface brother}. I still hate Jeff and his chick (as in baby bird) hair and his huge neck and his stupid face and the fact that he's 36 and acts like a child, but right now I need Vincent to go before Jeff. M'boy Michael won his second challenge in a row. i'm so proud of my genius.

Thursday, August 17, 2006

Summer Reality Corner: Rock Star Edition

Zayra's time has finally come. And, surprisingly, it was a little sad...but there was no other way...Supernova and the producers had stretched that out as long as they could. It was funny how they told Patrice that since she's been put in the bottom three (like, 3 times maybe) even though they like her voice, they have to consider what that means. Shockingly, there was no mention of Zayra's 34 visits to the bottom two. Speaking of Patrice...I like her but she'll probably go soon. And she's too smiley. It's probably because she's from Austin and Austin rules so she has nothing to be sad about. Holla back Austin!! I really like Storm and thought they judged her rearrangement of "I will survive" unfairly. Toby is still sexy. I have a deep dislike for Lukas. Dilana basically already has the job (and damn well deserves it)...they're really just going through the motions right now. Ryan is a prick, but he may have a good shot (if dilana weren't in this competition). Magni is bald. Tune in next Tuesday at 9 on cbs and join the fun!

In other news:

Lindsay Lohan of the Week

Let's take some time to consider the following two quotes from the mouth of our favorite redhead, Lindsay Lohan:

From Nickelodeon magazine:
Q: if you were a teacher, what subject would you teach?
Linds: I think I could teach anything I set my mind to. Maybe Ethics.

--It's really great that Lindsay has such a positive attitude about her career in teaching. I'm sure she COULD teach anything she set her mind to. Except Ethics.

From NY Post via BWE

"If I'm going to give my body to someone I'd rather them not be with other people. But I want to be able to if I like someone else."

--This hypocrite wants to be your Ethics teacher.

I am SO sorry...

...that i can't stop talking about these Times Square scientologists, but I'm so intrigued by their journey. It's like they're just discovering life. Today's chapter involves my friend, Alien Man (once again) and a new character whom I will affectionately call "My Heroine". Their interaction follows:

AM hands MH a Dianetics card. She looks at it, recognizes what it is and, interestingly enough, does not one-handed angrily crumple it in his face, does not discard it in the nearest trash can...does not even discard it on the nearest ground. She takes the time to give it back to him (he, of course, is following her) and says, "No. I don't want this." (!) He responds (creepily) with "Can I talk to you about it?". My Heroine's response? "Absolutely not."

How frickin awesome, right?

Coolface goes poetic

Coolface appreciates the finer things in life, particularly literature and poetry. Therefore, we give to you a poem written many moons ago on a paper bag by a Coolface father:

I sit and think
I shit and stink.


Wednesday, August 16, 2006

Coolface shame alert!

Last night at the resturant she works at, a coolfacer was told by a fat optometrist that she "looked ok for that weight." Let this be a warning to anyone who trusts optometrist to not be asshats.

Thank you.

Tuesday, August 15, 2006

everyone loves free stuff!!!

So apparently, around season premiere time in Times Square, if you're in the right place at the right time, you can get a LOT of free shit. Yesterday, i passed the Weeds Munchie Mobile where they were handing out tiny little ben and jerry cherry garcia ice creams, weeds keychain bottle openers (quite possibly equipped with built-in roach clip), brownies, t-shirts and other stuff promoting monday night's premiere of the second season. i walked away with ice cream and a bottle opener and was pleased. and then today, i was handed a tshirt promoting tonight's premiere of parco p.i. on court tv AND treated to a sweet helping of eye candy as a gaggle of hunktastic men in roman gear walked the streets with big banners declaring today's release of the first season of rome on dvd. and all i had to do was walk from the train to work! amazing. i recently watched The Corporation and was educated about the various evil methods of marketing ...but you know, i got a bunch of free stuff so i really don't care right now.
the downside to this showering of gifts is - yep, you guessed it - those crafty scientologists. always trying to ruin everyone's fun. i think they've jumped on the fact that people are now willing to reach their hands out to grab anything right now since there's a good chance it's gonna be something pretty great. instead of sticking to the one block radius they float around in, it's now been expanded to four blocks and their troops have increased threefold. my special friend from last week tried to seduce me with his dianetics film again, but didn't put up as good a fight as last time. here is how our second conversation unfolded:

AM: Hi!
ME: No thanks.
AM: Ok! (walks away)

and now because i feel obligated to promote them since i accepted their merchandise:
watch Weeds Mondays on Showtime! watch Parco PI Tuesdays on CourtTV! buy HBO's Rome, Season 1 on DVD!
(i fell right into their trap)

Monday, August 14, 2006

ER Commercial

Most of you have probably already seen this video from our first show, but just in case you missed it, check it out:

more videos coming soon!

the coolface way

a good way to up the value of your home is to install a second bathroom. We recommend the fast and simple coolface method of installing a secondary bathroom anywhere in your cramped studio apartment.

...and done.

Thursday, August 10, 2006

Summer Reality Corner

PROJECT RUNWAY: Sad for Brad...
Don't get me wrong, Bradley's modernization of Cher's look was totally hid, but i'm definitely gonna miss his peculiar sense of humor. vincent's modern twiggy was also pretty fug, and i don't really enjoy anything about him except that he reminds me of elton john...so lets hope he goes before anyone else we like does. ps congratulations michael on finally getting the attention he deserved and winning a challenge! michael + nazri + pam grier = a dream

ROCK STAR: SUPERNOVA: Dreams do come true!
So, remember how the last two weeks i've been all "josh and jill need to go"? well guess what the eff happened last night?! THEY KICKED THEM BOTH OFF!!! Thank god. Now all we need to do is get rid of Toddler-faced Pikachu O'Riley (or Lukas, as he's known to the rest of the world) and zayra (who are we kidding, mr. peanut isn't going anywhere!) and we'll have ourselves a real competition.


President Bush shocked me and several other today when he referred to the Muslim extremests we have come to loving call "terrorists" as "fascists". As the word "fascism" most often refers to a political philosphy, or regime that stands for a centralized autocratic government, with "messed up standards" we should then assume that the muslim extremests have taken over the government of all the Middle east, and are no longer opperating out of secret locations in a clandestine manner!

In other news! the Fascists are no longer alowing Americans to carry liquids onto airplanes. Damn those fascists.

Wednesday, August 09, 2006

Stop the Madness!!

ohmygod. who keeps posting comments on our precious blog with poor grammar and senseless links? you may have seen it...it's littered about 6 or 7 times throughout the entire blog on random posts with :

"Here are some links that might be interested"

and you click on it and its some senseless crap. so, NO, we're not interested. and the links aren't interested in us. whatever you mean by that. leave us alone.

we've got our eyes on that suspicious international visitor that comes to us without a referral. we've got a tracker, buddy. we'll find you. and we'll make you pay. our posse is HUGE. MUY GRANDE. TRES ENORMEMENT. QUITE LARGE. A HEAPIN' LOT. FECKIN MASSIVE LANGERS. MUITO ENORME. PEK BUYUK.

So, that should cover the U.S., Canada, Spain, France, the U.K., Australia, Ireland, Portugal, and Turkey. That takes care of all our international "friends" aside from India. i couldn't find a hindi translation dammit.

Zayra Alvarez

For everyone who missed Rock Star last night (or should i just say, for everyone) and are wondering what crazy zayra wore, here is a pic from her performance.

and yes, i do insist on writing about rock star: supernova even though i'm the only person who watches it

want to catch the performance videos so you know what we're talking about? Click here!

How to: The coolface way!

If you really want to get your boss's attention, we present to you the RIGHT way to ask for a raise.

Monday, August 07, 2006

more reasons to hate mel

as if the anti-semitic stuff wasn't enough, someone was smart enough to go and dig up old crazy shit this drunk said. According to a 1992 interview from the Spanish paper "El Pais" (from NY Times), melly g. said the following in regards to homosexuality:

"Do I sound like a homosexual? Do I talk like them? Do I move like them?"

Interestingly enough, the female officer present at the time Gibson was taken in to the station was interviewed, and her breasts said the following:

"Do I sound like tits made of sugar? Do I talk like them? Do I move like them?"

Save a dog!

ever been in that awkward situation where you're out with your dog and a few of your closest friends at a fancy restaurant and young fido starts choking on a shrimp tail? well, coolface is here to help! for future reference, a pictorial representation of the proper way to perform the heimlich on your furry best friend:

For more info on dog choking, click here!

Sunday, August 06, 2006

For your Sunday viewing pleasure

While you were wasting your time on myspace, these kids got themselves stuck in grabber machines.

Could you spare $.50 so we can try to win that little boy?

Friday, August 04, 2006

Those Scientologists have GREAT comebacks

There are a lot of unfortunate things about times square: the people that aggressively try to herd you onto a tour bus, the people that think they can walk veeerrry slooowly and stop in the middle of the sidewalk (even when it's 112 degrees) when all a sister wants to do is get to work, the pockets of warm trash smell...and then there are those whose job it is to pass out flyers. we don't really mind these people because, you know, they're just doing their job. every once in a while, i'll take their flyers because i feel bad about their job circumstances. however, i always feel dirty and tricked whenever i look down to see if the flyer is anything good (once it was a $2 lunch discount coupon!) and it turns out to be scientology propaganda. another unfortunate thing about the times square area is that the scientology center is nearby, so there are many of these little minions sneaking around in plainclothes (and not, as one would assume, in a stretchy, one piece alien outfit complete with footies) trying to turn the citizens of the world onto their side. usually, whenever they sneakily dupe me into accepting one of their dianetics flyers, i'm immediately disgusted and try to angrily one-handed crumple it up right in front of their faces...if i see one approaching me, i turn them away with a "no thanks" before they get a word out. today, i met a special man that would not be denied. kind of. here is our interaction:

ALIEN MAN: (thrusts flyer toward me) We're having a FREE screening of a Dianetics movie-
ME: (laughs in an "i'm better than you" way)No, thanks.
ALIEN MAN: (continues walking alongside me) Have you ever heard about it?
ME: (in an "i'm not buying what you're selling way") Yes.
ALIEN MAN: Good. (continues walking next to me for about 4 seconds. Says nothing. Turns and walks away.)

Coolface:1 Scientology: Katie Holmes

Summer Reality Corner

So it looks like supernova will be keeping crazy zayra around for a little while because she's some sort of foreign, spectacle-causing wonder...and they like to look at her. Dana left this week...we don't think she really had a chance of winning, but there are definitely some who should've gone before her. we'd still LOVE to see Josh leave and we'd also be happy to see Jill leave.

Here are our faves so far: Dilana (of course!), Toby (he so sexy), and Storm Large (great voice, even better name...she was born with it too!)

ho hum, keith is gone. we all saw it coming, but for different reasons. thank god that hellion isn't around anymore. he was not someone that i loved to hate (like Jade from ANTM). and he was not someone that i ever found funny in his sassiness (if i hear that good mommy/bad mommy quote one more time i'll throw up all over keith's plagiarized portfolios). unfortunately, bonnie also got the boot. a very astute coolface brother stated what probably a fair amount of people were thinking about this situation:
"They were all, 'Bonnie, you're out' and I was all 'Who's Bonnie?'"

and between her and robert best, i'm a bigger fan of robert...but it was still kind of sad to see her go when crazies like angela and vincent are still around.

Current faves: Michael, Allison, and Uli. we also like laura, but are a little concerned that she'll always make jackets with big new york collars.
(check out the awesome weekly Project Runway recaps here)

Tatum O'Neal is still on the show. does anybody know anybody who works on this show? i really want to get her fired.

Hell's Kitchen update to possibly come soon..

Cause of blackout found

One Con Ed employee who went above and beyond has finally found the cause of the massive blackout which crippled parts of Queens for up to 9 days.

The employee was quoted as saying, "asfdasoidfjaosjdfoijsojosaijfdoihojsas"

Tuesday, August 01, 2006

is it just us...

...or does Gilby Clarke from Rock Star:Supernova look like Val Kilmer in ol' Deadwood times?

exhibit a:

does anyone else even watch Rock Star:Supernova?

THIS JUST IN- Another Important Message from A. Rock

Dear Mr. Coolface,

In the last week, you have twice gotten me into severe trouble with my dear wife, Bed. I ask that you please get your facts straight with me before you publish anything further about my personal life. It seems that you have confused me with Mr. Mel Gibson. I have researched the story for you so that you make no further mistakes. If you wouldn't mind calling my wife and three little ones to clear this up, I would greatly appreciate it. Bed is not taking my calls, and we still have so much more to plan before our vacation.

A. Rock

BREAKING NEWS!- A. Rock pulled over for drunk driving

Mr. A. Rock was stopped on Friday for driving under the influence. When the officer that pulled him over tried to arrest Mr. Rock, he ran amok screaming "rock and roll muthafuckas!!". Finally, Officer Mee was able to get Mr. Rock into the patrol car. Mee reports that while in the cruiser, Rock kept banging against the seat and shouting that he "owns Malibu" and he was going to get even with Officer Mee if he had to spend all of his millions to do so. Mr. Rock also went on a tirade against those with a religion differing from his own. It is reported that A. Rock said the following:

"Fucking Twigs! The Twigs and Branches are responsible for all the wars in the world!"

When Mr. Rock arrived at the police station and spotted a female officer eyeing him, he reportedly called her "sugar tits" and might have possibly said that he wanted to "lick her me-hard abs". He then later threatened to release his liquid waste all over the holding cell floor if someone didn't take him to the little rock's room ASAP.

Stay tuned for more updates