Sunday, October 29, 2006

Fall Reality Corner: Cop-out Edition

Due to extenuating circumstances, this week's recap is late and will be very short and pretty half-assed:

1) apparently the editors forgot that they have already shown us a lot of the stuff we saw this week, since we heard jaeda bitch about her hair, anchal bitch about being a fattie, and everyone bitching about melrose being a bitch.
2) tyra is a stone cold cunt for booting brooke the night of her high school graduation.
3) tyra looks stupid holding a camera. is she planning on being the photographer of a shoot every cycle now?
4) something something about burlesque something and walking on a table while people are trying to have dinner.
5) saw II came around. will there be a saw III?
6) fabio? really? the whole shoot was awkward and skeevy and fabio is a creep. i wish they had instead done a shoot where they photoshopped each model's face onto a bird flying into fab's nose. and he can be in the midst of enjoying a different amusement park ride for each girl. examples: for caridee, he'd be on a rollercoaster (because those are usually the best rides), for brooke, the teacups (because she's just a kid), for michelle/amanda he'd be on the zipper (because if they turn sideways and stick their tongues out, they'd look like one), for melrose the ferris wheel (because that's the oldest ride in the park), for jaeda the log flume (she so manly), he could be in the haunted house for eugena (dead eyes) and on the scrambler for anchal (that's probably how she takes her dozen eggs).

i'm thinking about a top three of caridee, melrose, and amanda. and i'm guessing eugena or jaeda finally go this week.

Friday, October 27, 2006

monkeys watching sports = OMG!

coolface came across this pictures at bbc of some cute monkeys kicking back and watching a cricket game in india

i personally envision the monkeys watching the game speaking to one another in a brittish accent and saying things like, "good game old chap! cheerio!". Though, they are probably really saying "these people probably think we look so cute sitting here watching this game. i bet they'll be really surprised when they find out that i crapped in that dude's camera bag!"

Monday, October 23, 2006

Running and Falling

it's finally here:

Fall Reality Corner

aww. this is the last frc for project runway. how sad. even sadder? jeffrey cunt-face won. ah well, i'm not too upset about it because i had a hunch it would happen. i don't know much about fashion but i do know this: poor michael didn't have a chance. my genius boy...didn't do a great job with his collection and he was rightly let go first of the four. laura, surprisingly was next. i thought her clothes looked beautiful, however i was pleasantly surprised with what uli sent down the runway. i think the judges were as well, because it was between her and jeff for the win. and big neck mcgee got the saturn and the money and another fucking reason for his ego and assholishness to grow even larger...but whatever, at least i don't have to deal with this ass in real life. i feel like the reason the editors really turned up the sympathy factor recently was because he won and they were all "oh motherfucking shit, everybody in the country hates this jerk and he wins. how do we make him likeable?" guess what editors? you didn't fool me, suckas. hmm. moving on...

***please bear with me as i'm trying to discover the best format for the top model section. you see, back when i started summer reality show with rock star and project runway...i was able to be brief. i was just discovering project runway and i knew that i didn't need to spend much time on rock star because no one watches it. but this show is very special to my heart and i want to be able to get all my thoughts out...but in the most concise possible way. thank you. -management***

1) Michelle "might be gay". Might be, Michelle? Megan already spilled your secret a long time ago.
2) these bitches have ceased talking about melrose behind her back. they now do it whenever the hell they feel like it. and we finally discovered in this ep that as talented as aj may be, she's an asshole. Melrose did get points for just taking the stupid name calling with a smile.
3) Here are two things Brooke is terrible at. a) Rapping. Seriously. please stop. b) deciphering tyra mail. i would not want to be in the the riddlympics with this kid. or any sort of scavenger hunt.
4) in the challenge, they all have to interview janice dickinson. yipes! janice dickinson kind of awesomely has to pretend like she's passing the reporters for each girl. it kind of seemed like JD was holding back a little. some of those girls were begging for more than the verbal bitch slaps they a true dickinson verbal smack down.
5) i'm always intrigued when they have to pose with themselves for the photoshoot. i am glad they are maybe making this a recurring thing because it's always interesting to see what the girls do.
EUGENA: Beyonce/jay-z. this picture was not terrible. the judges are still going on about "dead eyes" (she ain't got nothin' on katie holmes.)
ANCHAL: oprah/steadman. I hate anchal.
CARIDEE: Brad/Angelina. awesome job. i thought her angelina was stellar, but was also equally impressed when i saw the closeup of her brad. i'm proud of my new fave. the babies were unnecessary.
AJ: j.lo/marc anthony. More like Sandra Bullock and a corpse. AJ is usually fantastic, but this photo, her lack of interview skills, a truly terrible hat, and hives got her the boot. Too bad. i thought she was super talented. bitchy, hot, and talented.
BROOKE: britney, k-fed. nice pics but they really didn't look too much like america's favorite pair of trash...i'm still not way impressed by Brooke the Model. however, i personally would have died if they tried to wrap a FUCKING PYTHON around me.
JAEDA: whitney/bobby brown. anyone else catch the bodyguard on tbs this weekend? jaeda's bobby brown was awesome and her whitney wasn't bad, HOWEVER, aj shouldn't have gone over her. if just for the fact that jaeda has been in the bottom thrice.
MICHELLE: ellen/portia. how nice of tyra to pretend to act the therapist and then use the girls' issues, doubts, and insecurites (anchal as the giant lady, jaeda as the strong man, melrose always as the old people) in the photo shoots. but michelle took this is stride. she's way talented and i thought she rocked this pic.
AMANDA: Demi/Ashton. i thought amanda finally stepped it up this week.
MELROSE: Donald trump/melania. i don't know what that child bride looks like, but i'm sure melrose did a find job. what we need to talk about is how awesome her trump was. i didn't think anyone's impression could be better than mine. you're fiyahed.

Thursday, October 19, 2006

Fun with IM

at photoshop82's request, we have reproduced a recent IM conversation here. photoshop82 is an alias, so don't add him/her to your buddy list expecting to get the gory details. coolface2000 is also an alias, so stop being a stalker. the "dude" discussed in this convo has also had his name changed. it will now be "bramlet abercrombie".

photoshop82: oh man
photoshop82: 3.30 and counting
photoshop82: and i still don't have a present for bramlet
photoshop82: little bramlet abercrombie
coolface2000: give him your precious flower again
coolface2000: and again
photoshop82: i was thinking of surprising him in his darkroom at school, if you know what i mean
coolface2000: mhmm
photoshop82: but i have no idea where it is
coolface2000: and you might end up blowing the class nerd

This is where babies come from

In a recent article in the Park Slope Paper, we of the Park Slope Community were informed that Maggie Gyllenhaal, her mate Peter Saarsgard, and their baby (whom we can only hope is named Aaron Aardvark Saarsenhaal) have moved to Sterling Street in the slope. (Yeah, way to completely throw away any privacy the family might've hoped for, Park Slope Paper.) What was most eye-catching about the article was the accompanying picture....paired with the headline in caps:



dancing in the show

Continuing something that we started a while ago, but forgot to keep up with, here is another of our older videos for anyone who hasn't yet seen it. This was the intro to our first show, and the last minute is supposed to be black, as that was when we made our grand entrance. What could these video posts be leading up to? possibly a new video? no way!

and it burns, burns, burns...

A coolface brother pointed us in the direction of the following article, discovered at boingboing. We would put a joke in here, but really, it's not necessary.

From: The Australian
October 09, 2006

A WOMAN has suffered severe burning to her anus after being struck by
lightning which hit her in the mouth and passed right through her body.

Natasha Timarovic, 27, was cleaning her teeth at in her home in the
Croatian city of Zadar when lightning struck the building.

She said: "I had just put my mouth under the tap to rinse away the
toothpaste when the lightning must have struck the building.

Wednesday, October 18, 2006


if you don't want us to ruin antm for you tonight..then read no further...but if you enjoy having televsion shows ruined then read on my friend!

the coolface employees have received word from an anonymous insider that model of the human head from antm model edition will be making a special guest appearance on tonight's antm human edition!!!

human head will be there to teach the aspiring models that it's what's inside that counts!

disclaimer:(a certain coolface employee appologizes for their lack of image manipulating skill).

Tuesday, October 17, 2006

Coolface Special Travel Report

Topeka, Kansas - heart of the midwest!

what is there to say about Topeka other than, uhhh.

That completes this installment of the coolface travel report.

Monday, October 16, 2006

FRC: ANTM, We Hate Fatties Edition

first off, i want to say that if you are way into top model and you really want to read a great commentary on each episode you should go to fourfour it's 120 types of wonderful. the challenge this week was introduced by some dude that really loved gumby as a kid. is it just me, or does anyone else think that it would be way creepy if somebody was giving you instruction whilst twisting himself around in all different (and uncomfortable) ways. (by uncomfortable i don't mean uncomfortable-looking, i mean creating an awkward atmosphere).
EUGENA won. she's great at these challenges. she needs to step it up with the photos though. maybe she'll have a chance to shine now that she's not monique's lapdog anymore. she did a pretty good job with her beak photo shoot.
BROOKE - i think brooke is adorable. i don't think she's a model. she'll probably be around for a couple more weeks, but i don't think she'll make it much further.
AMANDA/MICHELLE - i wish i could separate these two but the goddamn show won't let me. it's kind of unfair that they're judged as a twosome so often (especially since michelle is scads better than amanda) and i wonder where the show is trying to go with this.
A.J. - i think AJ has the goods. i'm really kind of still hesitant on whether or not her personality is grand. She's friends with Megg and that's a bad enough sign. But i'm gonna still root for her because she's pretty good.
JAEDA - i think will be departing very soon. so let's not waste time on her.
CARIDEE - i think this girl might be the replacement for Megan as the one i'm rooting for. she might be kind of dumb, but that's ok. she nailed this week's photo shoot and she had a strange rubber trunk. ps. does anyone else think it's weird that this episode with the freaks photo shoot aired the week after the my name is earl episode about the freak community and the same week that the new comedy central cartoon freak show premiered?
MELROSE - it seems that monique and melrose's beef with each other was over the title of head bitch. somehow melrose beat out thy bitchiest of all and now everyone has focused their hatred and pointy fingers on her. i do think she's annoying, but i don't think that she's as bad as the other girls make her out to be.
ANCHAL- Ok, this is my problem with anchal. even though i don't like her face, i do understand that she's pretty. although i don't think she's fat, i think she does have a little bit of a stomach. i noticed it the first episode. and no other girl would have lasted this long (or gotten on) with that stomach unless they called her a "plus size". i don't agree with it, i'm just saying that's what happens. so this just proves my point that anchal is only there because she's the token ethnic girl. and she whined and whined about how she doesn't have a flat stomach like the other girls and other girls pick on her because she's not improving...but if you're gonna sit there and cook 4 eggs for YOURSELF, participate in second meals, and eat ice cream whenever the hell you want...but think someone is picking on you when they suggest you do a little cardio and maybe that will help your not-flat stomach...oh nuh-uh. her picture sucked. she was the giant lady (haha. fattie) and she just looked like a pretty lady that owned a small piano. she's not good. she's chunk. she's the token ethnic.
FUGG MEGG- IS OUT!!!! HOORAY!!! i really wanted to photoshop a mohawk on her so she could fit into jeffrey's family, but rock and roll i don't want to look at her face again if i don't have to. and seriously, her picture this week was terrible. and also, hilarious that she was the bearded lady. and thirdly, haha she cried in front of panel and begged the judges for another chances but thank god, they weren't havin it.
ATOOSA - please. for everyone's sake. stop with the plastic surgery. you look like the puppet from saw.

FRC: Project Runway, Finale Pt. 1

this week was the first part of the finale. now, this season is my first Project Runway experience, so I didn't really know what to expect when i heard the finale was going to be in two parts. So, basically what happens in part one is this: Tim Gunn visits the finalists, four in this case, about two months prior to Olympus Fashion Week to check on their status. This is what we discovered on this journey...
Michael is adorable and so is his family. Unfortunately it looks like his collection might not be.
Uli is Uli and at least she knows that. At least she's likeable and her clothes are nice.
Laura has a kick ass apartment and a gaggle of boys. i don't know if we ever saw (or if she even has a girl).
Jeff knocked up a girlfriend of five months. Listen, this is how i feel about Jeffrey (as if we all don't already know)...I feel like we were manipulated into making him the villain but i don't think that was probably a very hard thing to do considering what an ass the guy is. And now they are trying to make us sympathetic by having him talk about how great it is to be a father and drone on about how his dad left at 8 and how he boohoo became a drug addict and we should all be proud of him because he's come so far even though he has the maturity of an 8 year old. Ugh. I still hate him. I was manipulated once...not gonna happen again.
So after this, the designers move back in with each other to Flatotel (interestingly enough, a location i worked on a shoot at which produced the worst tatum o'neal experience of my life) At some point, Laura notices the extraordinary seamwork on jeff's items and the fact that he was able to finish everything (and a lot of it) (even though he went on about how he was also busy preparing his next season) in the time alloted while the other three still had little details to finish. laura goes about it by first sharing this thought with michael and uli..and when they could see that maybe her claim could possibly have merit, she went to tim gunn with it (who in turn took it to the producers). after this she told jeffrey that she told tim. I feel like this was a fine way for laura to go about this if she had legitimate concern. i don't think that she did this just because she doesn't like jeffrey because i feel like a mother of 6 probably knows a thing or two about maturity. We ended on this conflict and all will be resolved in this week's episode. Here are four things we learned this episode:
1) Uli grew up dodging bullets in east germany
2) laura is married to albert einstein
3) michael has an awesome family but especially an awesome dad
4) jeffrey apparently has a mandate where everyone in his family must have a 'hawk.

Tuesday, October 10, 2006

ANOTHER Reality Show Idea!!!

America's Next Top Has-Been - Wherein ex-reality show contestants compete with each other over and over until everyone has won at least once. Kind of like Road Rules/Real World Challenge, but everyone can play.

Sunday, October 08, 2006

the Matchmaker strikes again!

We've had such great luck in our previous attempts at selflessly finding love for other lost souls, we thought we'd try again. and this time, boy do we have the perfect combo. Seriously, why didn't anyone think of this sooner?

Jeffrey from Project Runway and Fugg Megg from ANTM. It's a Rock and Roll match made in poseur heaven!

This love connection brought to you by Quotes from The Donald:

"The 1990's sure aren't like the 1980's."

"Show me someone without an ego, and I'll show you a loser."

"Do you mind if I sit back a little? Because your breath is very bad."

[Source], [Source]

Way to go, The Insider

The other day, tv tabloid show The Insider had a story on a skydiving elvis. Something went wrong with this skydiving elvis' landing and instead of gracefully touching down, he instead hit the ground going 50 miles an hour. The Insider reported that he was in critical condition with a broken pelvis. Then stupid Pat Robertson said something stupid and nasally like "Let's just hope that soon, Elvis will be back in the building". THAT'S the reference they went for?!?!? There is a very CLEAR "Elvis the Pelvis" joke just BEGGING to be made and you go for the "back in the building" line, Robertson? For shame, we say. For shame.

Fall Reality Corner

This week's episode was a reunion show, so there's not too much to say about's more of a "you had to be there" sort of thing, but here are some highlights...
1) The Return of Keith - Ugh. I forgot how much I hated this guy. He should've been kicked off the reunion too. Especially after he tried to say (three months after the fact) that the famous pattern books that were part of the reason he was kicked off weren't his and were planted there. What an ass. Ugh. I hate him more than i hate jeffrey (and we KNOW how much i hate jeffrey) and i only had to experience him for like, 3 episodes.
2) Fainting Models - hahhahahaha. who knew about this? how i wish they would've aired this shit in the show. Apparently, Amanda, or as i like to call her "Shuffle iPod Mandy", was prone to fainting and more than once they had to stop the show to give her a seat whilst she fanned herself. That crazy redhead.
3) Vince is Crazy - Surprise, surprise. Something that does NOT turn Vince on is someone else ever so kindly doing his laundry for him. (I'm sympathetic because it's probably a PA and i've been through those hard knocks). He was all "scream this and fuck that and get me an airplane ticket because i'm outta here". he wanted to leave the show because his shirts were laundered. and my question was this: isn't vince from new york? did he really need a plane ticket to get out of there? i could be wrong.

So the challenges this week were...HILARIOUS. I think the sole purpose of them were to embarrass and torture the girls and to thoroughly entertain the viewing audience. and to that i say, well done ty-ty, well done. First off, they had to walk a tightrope to "practice putting one foot in front of the other"..which translates to: "so that people can see you make embarrassing wobbly faces". They also had to practice walking in a straight line over cobblestone. This was almost as painful to watch as that one Vivenne Westwood challenge. But AJ nailed it. and then there was the photoshoot, where they had to do a runway show on a teetering plank that sat on water and would vigorously shake from side to side if you stepped anywhere other than the middle. Eugena nailed it. and by nailed it i mean fell in the water and skinned her knee. and to top all this embarrassment off, they had to walk around with a fruit bowl on their heads for the judges challenge. And the judges were all "this shouldn't be hard guys, Nnenna [from cycle 6] could do it." What they failed to mention is that Nnenna is from AFRICA and they all basically carry their purses like that over there.
MONIQUE AND MELROSE - This bitter feud came to an end with the booting of Monique. Thank god! normally, the end of a bitter feud is unfortunate, because they're always so fun to watch. but monique was TERRIBLE and not even "Jade FUN terrible". Monique was able to spread her vagina juice on Melrose one final time when she wiped her dirty panties all over melrose's bed. she then fell deathly ill and opted to skip the photo shoot. I think this "sickness" was either a reaction to her own vagina juice, or the devil trying to force himself free of her mortal shell.
AJ- I want to like her. I love her look and she's shown me that she's got the necessary skills, I'm just still unsure of her personality...especially when she chose Megg to share in her challenge win.
CARIDEE- This girl got major points when she decided to give a shout out to crazy Jade by saying "Thank you for believing in me" to Tyra when called second to last in the judging. awesome.
FUGG MEGG - ugh. this girl is NOT PRETTY. I seriously dislike her. Ugh. she makes me want to kill. and fucking learn how to take care of that nappy weave. it is NOT rock and roll to look like a couple of squirrels had a skirmish on your head. Also, a few people have pointed out that she looks like Mayim Bialik of Blossom fame. To that i say, let's just hope there's a photo shoot with 90's hats:

LIKE: Michelle, CariDee, Brooke
HATE: Megg, Melrose, Anchal
NOT SURE: AJ, Amanda, Eugena, Jaeda

Friday, October 06, 2006

Subway Spotlight: Smelly Pete

Today's SS honoree, like one before him, is not an entertainer of any sort, but kind of more like a crazy homeless guy that's been spotted on the F line more than once. And by crazy, we mean probably legitimately schizophrenic. And by homeless, we mean smells like pee.

Normally Smelly Pete sleeps on the train and positions himself in a way that prevents others from sitting beside or in front of him. Also preventing others from sitting near him is the gag-inducing smell emanating from his person.

Well, today, Smelly Pete was half sleeping/half mumbling nonsense. There was no real cause for concern until the words "blows up" were overheard at frequent intervals. It turns out this wasn't any sort of threat, but rather his favorite phrase. Here are some real life examples of its usage:

TRAIN CONDUCTOR: This is Carroll Street.
SMELLY PETE: Fuck Carroll Street, I hope it blows up.

TC: There is an A train across the platform.
SP: Fuck the A train, I hope it blows up.

and our personal favorite:

TC: Stand clear of the closing doors.
SP: Fuck the closing doors, I hope they blow up.

Thursday, October 05, 2006

This will be the #1 post because it is about #1 man The Donald

Donald Trump recently commented on his blog (yeah, i know, right?) about a statement Brad Pitt made in an interview with Esquire magazine about how he and Angelina would not consider marrying until everyone else legally can. Trump thinks that this is just a front Brad is putting up to cover his really "excellent way" to stay a bachelor. I have three things to say about this.

1) Charlize Theron and Stuart Townsend were first to put off marrying--er--i mean taking a stand for gay rights by saying they they would not wed until everyone else can.
2) you KNOW that this wasn't Brad's idea. like, seriously. come on.
3) he isn't a bachelor, ass. they may not be married but they have 3 kids together. onion loaf head.

this #1 post was brought to you by the following #1 comments made by The Donald himself.

"You know, it really doesn't matter what [the media] write as long as you've got a young and beautiful piece of ass."

"All of the women on "The Apprentice" (2004) flirted with me - consciously or unconsciously. That's to be expected."


all bullshit aside...

Okay, let's do something a little different here. Let's start by saying there is someone that we are ever so subtly trying to get rid of. And that we have not seen this person since the 2nd date, even though there have been endless attempts on his end at communication in the last five (!) months (and only one has been returned.) There is your background.

This is a terrible, hateful, bitchy thing that we're about to do, but we are tired of the calls and the messages, and we think it's time for this. Everyone will remain anonymous. We're almost positive that "dude in question" ("Wilhelm" in this story) doesn't read this, but if he (you) does (do), well here are the answers he's (you've) been seeking.

here is the most recent message, with our 1st person comments in [brackets]:

Subject: all bullshit aside
[how can there be bullshit when i DON'T RESPOND TO YOUR MESSAGES]

Tommy Girl...
[i hated when you first started calling me that, i hate it even more now]

All bullshit aside, I really do long to speak with you again
[that makes one of us]
I know that you're not intrested [sic] in a relationship...
[really? because you contact me as often as if we were in one]
You did a good job of making sure I didn't get too close.
[do you mean before or after you "stuck the tip in" without rubber or warning?]
But does that mean that you can't ever talk to me again?
Is there no middle ground with you?
[not for you there isn't]
Is it because we made out a bit or does it go deeper than that?
[what does this even mean? are you asking why i'm ignoring you? because if i make any sort of contact with you, you think i want to marry you. you pulled some way creepy moves early on. you pressured me into moving quickly by calling an average of five times a day. do you need more?]
Hit me back will ya?
[probably not. last time i did that was the first time i did in five months. and all i said was 'thanks for the bday wishes' and you took that to mean i wanted to talk to you again.]
I just kinda wanna know how you've been and why you've kicked me outta your life
[fine, thanks. re: the latter. see 2 qs above]
[fuck off]

Wednesday, October 04, 2006

tasteless but timely

there was a joke we once heard that ties in very well with recent events in the news:

what goes clop clop bang clop clop bang clop clop bang?

an amish drive by shooting.

thank you. we'll be here all week.

Sunday, October 01, 2006

Fall Reality Corner: Unbeweavable! Edition

Project Runway:
UGH! Ok, I was just as scared as the next guy that Michael was going to be eliminated (and before Jeffrey, even) but what a flippin' waste of an episode. I'm not gonna waste much time here with it since we all already had an hour wasted. We waited two weeks to see this: the final four (Michael, Laura, Uli, Jeffrey) were given a challenge to make something something that represented so and so. Everyone in the world though Uli would be eliminated in this episode, not because we hate her but it was just logistically the next step. Uli wins the challenge which busts that theory. Then Laura is in. So we're all are shaking in our boots because it's the biggest asshole in the world versus the genius that we all love. They are both in. No one is eliminated. Everyone's going to Olympus Fashion Week. Next week's ep is a reunion. So'll have been a month before we see any real episodes here. Also, a lot of people are starting to root for Jeffrey out of anger from this ridiculous episode. I am not one of those people.

America's Next Top Model:
This season is making me nervous that top model ain't what it used to be. we're only on episode 2, so things can definitely change...but i fear that top model is going the way of 'real world' in that the contestants now are more aware than ever that they are on tv and may be starting drama (Monique) just to get more face time (Monique) on camera (Monique). Speaking of hateful bitches...who do these judges think they are? The most gorgeous contestant there, Megan, was booted last week. I may be taking this personally because she was my early favorite, but the thing is, her picture was definitely not the worst of the week. On top of that, we had major diva issues (again) from Monique, Melrose, and Jaeda when it came to the makeover. (that's another thing! the makeover ep is my absolute favorite and it was way underwhelming this year...except for the whole frederic fekkai thing that none of the models (except Megan) appreciated). Also, Jaeda had the same problem she did last week where she couldn't give more than one pose. Megg had the same problem as last week where she's fug and annoying.

LIKE: Brooke, CariDee, Michelle
DISLIKE: Megg, Monique, Melrose, Anchal*
NOT SURE: AJ, Jaeda, Amanda, Eugena
DOESN'T MATTER: (sigh) Megan

*i'm not giving anchal a fair chance. i dislike her on principle.