Wednesday, June 24, 2009

Birthday times!!

Happy 30th to my big brother!! by now we should all know that if I make a birthday video, expect whatever is coming in the mail to be tardy!! hooray!!

and now i've officially wished my brother a happy birthday every place that i could. yay, ricky!!

Monday, June 22, 2009

fun with voicemail

when i record my outgoing voicemail message, i usually try to make it clever or entertaining in some way that will also get me a message that is clever or entertaining. i started doing this a couple phones ago (it's weird to me that i'm on my fifth phone, fourth if you don't count the tracfone that was my first cellular device once i upgraded from a beeper) because even though i would say my name in my outgoing message, i would still get all sorts of wrong numbers that would leave messages anyway. i once got a message that was like "Carol! I'm downstairs waiting for you!" if you hear a voicemail that's all "this is sara, leave a message"...would you go on to leave a message for carol? this guy did. and many others did for many others.

thus, one of my first non-standard outgoing greetings went something like "this is sara, leave a message. if you are not calling for sara, don't leave a message, because i don't know who you are and i won't call you back." that actually worked, and i don't think i got any misdirected voicemails. but then, that phone lived its life and i had to get a new one. i attempted to recreate the outgoing message, but it felt forced, and i had to go back to the drawing board.

another of my favorite outgoing messages was the one challenging callers to leave the best voicemail, and stating that only the caller who left the best voicemail would get a call back. (it was a bluff, i called everyone back) i got a lot of hilarious voicemails and songs out of that one, and i also got a lot of people getting nervous at the challenge and just rambling about how they couldn't think of something awesome to say but please call them back.

so this brings me now to the new phone i got just a couple weeks ago. sadly, i had to say goodbye to the Best Voicemail Competition (with fears that recreation would again feel forced). i think what i have now just very basically asks people calling me to leave a pleasant or hilarious message, since i love being entertained and/or pleased. i just got a phone call from a number i didn't recognize (aka a phone call that goes straight to voicemail). here is a transcript of the message i got:

"umm, hello, i think i've called the wrong number. i don't know if that's pleasant or hilarious, but...there it is. (laughs) ok. bye."

everyone wins!! he left a message, so i'm not left wondering who the eff in the catskills just called me. he was aware that i was not the intended party, but he abided by my voicemail rules! and i DID find it hilarious! should i call him back and ask him to marry me?

Sunday, June 21, 2009

the alarm who cried wolf

does anyone ever really pay attention to alarms anymore? i'm not talking about alarms you wake up to, i'm talking about fire alarms, car alarms, etc. i feel like we're all so used to false alarms, that our immediate reaction is to do nothing. a fire alarm has gone off in my building a few times since i've lived here. i react in this order:

1) hear the alarm, think about how annoying it is.
2) if the alarm has gone on for more than a few minutes, look out the peephole to see if anyone else is fleeing
3) if no one is fleeing, continue as i was

one time, about a month after i moved to this building, i smelled smoke. it was strong enough that i did about three thorough checks in my apartment to make sure it was nothing of mine that had burst into flames. i looked out the peephole, and things looked foggy, like maybe my peephole was dirty, but no one seemed to be fleeing. a few minutes later, the firetruck came. when i opened the door, the "dirty peephole" actually turned out to be smoke filled halls. the firemen were giving the all clear, so i went back into my abode. i later found out that the people in the apartment directly below me had fallen asleep after putting boiling water on the stove. the alarm never went off in this situation.

anyway, i was reminded of this because i was changing me clothes at the gym today and an alarm went off in the girls' locker room. there were three others in the locker room with me and i heard someone in one of the showers. no one flinched or made any effort to vacate. not even i. and when you think about how often car alarms go off at the slam of a door, or when a motorcycle drives past...does anybody actually react when a car is actually being stolen? are these alarms, for the most part useless...or should we all start reacting like it's the real thing every time?

Friday, June 12, 2009

letters to the world

dear newspaper seller on the sidewalk --

i understand you are tired from sitting around all day on a sidewalk trying to sell that big stack of newspapers in front of you, but might i suggest that you not fall asleep sitting over the newspapers with a lit cigarette hanging out of your hand.


dear subway cat --

you are very cute and it breaks my heart everytime i see you wandering around my subway station. at the same time, my heart leaps when i see you, knowing you haven't been flattened by the F. you are supposed to be white and grey, but you are dirty grey and grey. please be careful out there. you are looking thin.


Saturday, June 06, 2009

let's talk about sex...ual harassment

i have had quite the evening. i guess there are three different phases to this story, so i will start off with the first and least offensive. (and trust, this train goes to offensive city and beyond.)

i was walking from my place of part-time employment to a friend's birthday gathering. i'm walking with an umbrella because it is raining (though as i walk it's slowly letting up) and i am walking, as always, with my headphones firmly planted in my ears. (***complete side note -- i was looking for a past post to reference here, because i could've sworn i wrote something in the "tales of wooing" series about how i make a point to wear headphones always [even if my battery has died] so as to send the message that i am not interested in talking to you. so i did a half-assed blog search for "ipod" and then "woo me". alas, i didn't find the post i was looking for, but in both of those searches there were posts that i'd forgotten i'd written and giggled at. that's right. i laughed at my own jokes.***)

so ok, i'm walking, headphones, umbrella. out of the corner of my eye, i see a shady looking dude in a grey hoodie cross the street towards me and start walking right next to me at my pace. i speed up to get ahead of him, and he speeds up to keep up. then he starts talking. i have not acknowledged him at all at this point. he says hi. throws his best lines out. reads off the patch on my jacket arm that says "for successful living" and then follows up with "what the fuck is that?". i continue walking without acknowledging him because i'm trying to send the message to all the lowlifes in the world that if a girl has headphones in her ear, she doesn't want to be talked to nor can she 'hear' you. so then he's all "it's not even raining anymore." he then changes tactic and starts speaking spanish. he says "my family has lived here thirty years, how about you?" i keep walking. he is still next to me, though i've been speeding up and slowing down. then he says "are you muslim? you can't talk to guys or something?' LIKE FUCKING TAKE A HINT DUDE. i find an opportunity to break into a fast walk and leave him in my dust.

i hang out at my friend's gathering. everything is wonderful. i head out because i'm already at my pumpkin time and must head to the train. i stand on the side of the platform that my exit will be at, and prepare for a lengthy wait. after about a minute i see a guy probably in his 20's approaching. he's making some motion with his hand and i don't think anything of it. then he is much closer. and his penis is in his hand. and he is fucking. masturbating. whilst walking toward me on the subway platform. so i immediately look straight ahead and walk closer to the center of the platform where there are some other people. the whole time i'm waiting for the train (which actually wasn't that bad considering the time) i'm looking left for the train, right to make sure masturbating manny isn't headed back my way (he walked right past me initially, so it wasn't like he was coming towards me. [no pun intended. i didn't catch that piece of genius until i was rereading through this]). a train starts to come. and OF COURSE it's the fucking G train. UGH! the g train. my nemesis. ruins everything! then out of my right side, i see a guy in a cap and jacket heading back toward me. i'm pretty sure it's masturbating manny, but i didn't really look at him too clearly initially, so it could be a different guy in a cap and jacket. he seems to look at me, so i move a couple columns closer to the center. he follows. i'm like fucking great. i move closer to some bigger, friendly looking dudes and then lucky for me the train comes.

i make a point to be far enough away from this guy that i'm in a completely different car and he can't see where i get off. i walk onto the subway car making sure no eyes are following me and the first thing i see is a fucking pile of shit-looking vomit on the seat in front of me. awesome. i take a sharp left and find a seat.

when the train pulls in to my stop and i get out, i'm in the middle of the platform. i always ride at the front of the train, since that's next to my exit, so i now have to walk back toward the front. i notice an asian man probably in his 40's or 50's get out of the same car as i. he's walking ahead of me, but i pass him with a swift walk because i just want to get home. and here it starts again. i don't know if somebody sprayed me with pheromones today or something -- and might i just take this moment to point out that on the Sara Hotness Scale (the hottest i can look is a 10, the homeliest a 1), i was probably rockin' a five or six today. nothing special. yeah, i had on a boob shirt, but i also had my jacket zipped up literally to my chin. i'm wearing jeans and pumas. my hair is in a ponytail, my bangs are clipped back, and i have a fuzzy hair halo that the humidity has been so lovely as to gift me let's just keep this in mind here.

so this guy pulls the same thing as the first guy, nicely bookending my night. he picks up his pace to walk near me. i hear him saying words, but i don't know what he's saying. then he starts speaking in his language, but again, even though my ipod has died at this point, i am ignoring him. headphones on, sara closed. then he starts whistling. he rotates these three things -- random english words, something in his language, whistles -- as though he were doing reps in a gym. i have picked up my pace and am walking a good distance in front of him. i take this opportunity to grasp my umbrella in my right hand. i can deliver a stronger umbrella blow with this arm, and it also leaves me free to break out my killer left hook. seriously. i am waiting to punch someone and this guy i think is asking for it. you'll see.

he somehow catches up to me (i think i slowed again once i thought i'd lost him). he crosses in front of me so that i have no choice but to acknowledge his presence. he gives me a big smile and a big thumbs up. i kind of laugh at him and nod, like, 'great'. then i keep walking. he motions at me again, and gives more thumbs up. a double this time. and i just look away this time. he motions for me to take my headphones off and i put on my bitch face, take off one earphone and say "what." he asks me how old i am. i have hit stairs at this point and jog up them ahead of him. he jogs up behind me and then says the following fucking words to me:

"Two hundred? Two hundred dollar??"

i give him the meanest bitch face i can muster, tell him "i don't know what the fuck you're talking about" and leave him in my dust.

guys. seriously this actually happened to me. !

Thursday, June 04, 2009

potato in my pocket

i think i just had my first "potato in my pocket" moment. a friend of mine once told me her father's harrowing tale of having to walk miles to school in the snow with only a baked potato in his pocket to keep him warm. or something.

anywho, that microsoft commercial came on where a boy and his mother are told that if they find any laptop they like under $1500, that computer is theirs (plus maybe any leftover cash? i don't know, i ff through commercials usually). after much ballyhoo, the boy chooses PC over Mac and then he's all "I'm a PC and I'm 11" and his mom is all "I'm not".

it was here i thought "Yeah, right. My kid isn't getting his own laptop at age 11. When I was a kid, we had one shared desktop (Apple all the way) that was kept in a public space (living room). IM-ing was IRC chatting, which, with dial-up modems, would only hook up about 38% of the time." then i realized what a geezer i was being and decided to be a cool parent and go with the technology flow. and then i realized that i'm single and by the time i decide i'm ready to mate, i will probably have already created a perfect little robot child.