Monday, March 31, 2008

Dark Water Update; A Convo with my Super

First of all, thanks to a conversation with Becca, I'm now convinced a ghost is living in my ceiling hole.

Today I got home from work and thankfully there didn't seem to be too much leakage. Though my pot placement seemed to be about half an inch off, my mastery with a plastic sheet proved itself. I went to pee, and around the same time, my ceiling decided to also. I made sure all the water was being caught and everything properly protected and called my super.

let me just preface this by saying my super is a very nice man and in my experience with him has always been very helpful.

Sara: Hi Humbert*. It's Sara in Apt. X**
Humbert: Hi.
S: Umm, I was told to call you to make an appointment about repairing the hole in my ceiling
H: Yes?
S: So when are you available?
H: Umm..well...lemme think...uh...well, I think the earliest is Wednesday.
S: My concern is that it's started leaking, so I don't want my place to get covered in water.
H: Oh, it's started leaking?
S: Yes, it leaked a little on Saturday and a lot came out yesterday.
H: Umm, when are you home?
S: I'm working all week, so I won't be home until at least 7 every day. I'm here all weekend though.
H: Well, we get off at 5, and the weekend's are my days off.
S: (shocked silence) Okay, well there's a lot of water coming into my living room. Would it be possible for me to leave it open for you to come and fix while I'm gone?
H: I'd need to check upstairs and see where the leak is coming from. (discussion about where the hole is located). So I guess I could look upstairs on Wednesday and come see you on Wednesday.
S: Okay...
H: Okay. Bye.


WTF?? oh, i'm sorry you have a GIANT FUCKING HOLE in your ceiling and a copious amount of UNIDENTIFIED LIQUID is spilling out onto your tv room, the room you value most, right over your lifelong collection of dvd's and books, the tv and dvr and playstation you cherish so, but i stamp my timecard at 5 pm SHARP, and i don't work on the weekends, even though my schedule is as UNREASONABLE as a bank's.


also, does this mean i should or should not make the apartment easily accessible for him? i feel like it was unclear.

*name changed for absolutely no reason **apartment changed because i don't want any more stalkers.

wuz not seeling cat

Here is part two of what i'm hoping will be only a three part saga.

As soon as i saw that my ceiling had thrown up, I called my super. He said he'd be up in a minute, but then i got an immediate call back from some guy that must've been right next to him saying that Nyron (my super) had to step out for "5" but he'd come up as soon as he returned. This was approximately 1:00pm. At 7:30 pm (there goes my day), the old fellow who lives directly below me and is another one of the super's lackeys knocked at my door. He told me that Nyron would not be able to make it to me today, probably not until monday, but that he was there to check it out. He walks in, looks at my hole (ceiling hole you filthos) and goes "Woah". He then says that he has similar stuff in his apartment, all throughout the apartment (yikes) because someone upstairs is leaking. He also told me that exact spot had been repaired before (not well enough obviously). He went to his apartment to get some bags and said he'd be right back to clean it up. When he returned, he went to work cutting away the paint and removing the parts of ceiling. He asked me if it was dry...i told him it had been dry all day, but when i discovered it, it was obvious that some stuff had gotten wet. He very kindly wiped up my shelves with a rag and swept the floor up (after profusely apologizing that he couldn't bring his vaccuum because the bag was full). He then...umm..kind of diapered my ceiling with a small white trash bag to cover the hole, holding it in place with scotch tape. He then told me that nyron would be in touch to make an appointment, and took his leave.

At one point later in the day, a tiny bit of water started trickling out...and as you may or may not know, scotch tape does not hold up well to water... so i put an extra bag he left on top of my bookshelf. This is now what phase two looks like:

This brings us to Sunday. I get up, go to boxing, come home, do my laundry, and do a little bit of apartment cleaning. All of this physical activity has wiped me out, so i stumble over to my bed. I wake up about thirty minutes later and wonder who is in the shower. Then I fly up and run to the living room to see water pouring out of my ceiling hole. because of the nifty way i fashioned the shelf bag, the water is being diverted away from my tv and electronics, but still falling straight to the floor and also a little bit on my guitar amp. i think i'm acting fast when i run to save my amp, but realize it was a poor idea to step in a huge puddle of water with my socks. so i throw those off, pull my pants off (hott!), and grab some towels to throw on the ground. then i throw my largest water catching item, a pot, under the ceiling hole. Finally, i wrap the cords and outlets to protect them from water. At this point, the water has stopped coming out...I set up one more bag over my tv/electronics in case this happens again while i'm out.

so, this really sucks. i'm not home until after seven for the rest of the week, so who knows when i can get this hole fixed. also, what the hell is this huge leak? shouldn't that water be in pipes? no wonder the ceiling fell! how long was it holding up that amount of water daily? and if it affects my apartment and the apartment below mine, why is it just being covered up instead of repaired? i mean...if you're gonna raise my rent, the least i can expect is a literal roof over my head, right?

Saturday, March 29, 2008

is dat u, seeling cat?

Don't ask me why, but yesterday i started drinking around 1pm. (don't worry, i was still at work and it was work-related, so i wasn't completely wasting my life away, DAD.) I eventually got kinda drunk and remained this way for the rest of the night. I left work, drunk slept on the train, woke up disoriented, went home for like 10 minutes to change out my bag and remove one layer of shirt that i was wearing, then headed out to meet my friend so we could drink before heading to roller disco (!). subsequently, i was more drunk when we made it to roller disco. At roller disco, I drank more. Surprisingly i only fell on my ass once, and i amazingly kept my almost-full beer from spilling a drop. I get home about 1:30, think about how i've been drunk for so long, "watch" a couple episodes of entourage and pass out drunkenly. When i wake up late this morning, I do what i usually do - plant myself on the computer and waste a couple hours. After I'm satisfied with this, i head to my living room to watch tv. halfway through the hallway, i stop short...i see some sort of undefined dark shape floating above my bookshelf. a million things run through my head -- is it a balloon i don't remember getting that's floated over there? did someone break into my apartment at some point and leave a creature and/or robot to attack me? i turned the hall light on and inched closer, but still couldn't make out what it was. i hesitantly walked a little closer and made sure no one was in the living room. when i turned on the light, what i saw was not any of the options that ran through my head -- a portion of my ceiling had fallen in. and apparently, a portion of my ceiling looks to be made of cardboard. here's what i saw:

the cardboard ceiling part had fallen out and was being held there by peely paint. a trash bag had unfurled itself into my apartment. around my floor there were bits of paint, ceiling, and an empty crumpled pack of british cigarettes (?). i didn't see any glowing eyes in the hole, but i also didn't want to get too close. nothing in my living room seemed to be hurt, but my coffee table looked like a bucket of water was dumped on it...all the papers (kinda important ones) i had on it were water damaged. this is especially confusing because the coffee table isn't really near the hole, and nothing else in the room seemed to have gotten wet. also, what kind of liquid was sprayed on my coffee table? it better be em-effin water.

here's the question -- did this happen before i drunkenly got home from work? before i drunkenly got home from roller disco? or while i was drunkenly passed out?

Friday, March 28, 2008

gossip websites have sunk to a new low

i feel this is either the sign of the apocolypse or sign that our celebrity obsession has officially gone too far... totally had an entire post devoted to pictures of romeo beckham (one of posh and beck's kids) picking his nose at a socker game! is it me or is outing a five year old for being a nose picker a bit ridiculous? i say kudos to him for still looking adorable as hell even with a finger planted firmly up his nose.

Thursday, March 27, 2008

SRC: ANTM - my fantasy team is hurtin'

Previously: Marvita was the saddest girl in the world, so she went home. just when i was starting to like her too.

Guess what, guys? Lauren is STILL AWKWARD. everyone hates dominique. claire is all sad that her milk is drying up so she yells at dominique. as if i needed another reason to love her! Claire calls D a "shady bitch". Luvs it! Dominique's all "you call your husband a bitch?" (and really, what? completely different. dominique, she loves her husband. she does not like you.) claire's all "at least i have a husband". that's a dumb thing to say as a 24 year old to a 23 year old. this ain't the 1950's no mo claire. claire apologizes, dom's all 'you still said it' (ugh) lauren's all "she apologized!" dom's all "stay in your place" and...the punk comes out. lauren's mad.

apparently, tyra moonlights as the fab cab driver. she tells the girls to get dressed. they scream. i'm gonna start screaming in people's faces in response to requests. they get in their matching red unflattering outfits. yards better than when she dressed them as band-aids the last time, but still like used tampons . she tells us to "think pain, but beauty". wise. she tells them to pose like they have period pain and wonders why they can do that pose so well. is it because you don't remember life before the change, ty-ty? or maybe it's because they're dressed like used tampons.

tyra tells the girls they will have a pain pose off. everyone but lauren is decent. when they get home, they find out that was actually their challenge. anya wins. she wins a one on one photo shoot with nigel. hot! nigel tells anya they are ditching the clothes. down to business, nice. nigel shoots her COMPLETELY NAKED. how is this okay to spring on someone? she seems rather comfortable with it though.

dominique calls claire, whit, and lauren monkeys because they are talking about her while she is trying to sleep. i doubt she would take it well if they did the same to her. ugh claire is being mean to dominique, but i just cannot sympathize. i do not like her.

the girls meet jay in williamsburg. lauren gives a whassup to her homies. for their photo shoot, they are posing as a specific type of music.

fatima - metal rock. impresses the judges. has yet to impress me.
katarzyna - emo. haha! she's so emo! luvs it! the judges decide to give her another hair cut because she works the emo one so well.
lauren - pop. awesome. she's like "what is this...pop?" but still does it well.
claire - country. uh oh. claire might be having problems this week. tyra says its her worst shoot. dominique smiles.
dominique - folk. perfect. she's deluded so it makes sense. meh. i don't love the picture. i think she looks especially manly.
anya - punk. the judges think she falls into great poses by accident.
stacey-ann - house. still posing her same five expected poses.
aimie - r&b. haha. whoever assigned these is a genius. aimee struggles.
whitney - grunge. is upping her game around plus size time..will she go farther than any plus size before her?

tyra introduces guest judge (and photographer) russell james as "a guy i know very well". How is that an introduction?

covergirl of the week: claire. yes!

Whitney is called first, followed by katarzyna (yes!) and fats (uh..why?). everyone else is called until Aimee and claire remain. total ouch for my team. oh dear. i don't want either to go. eeeee. someone has to thought and i think it'll be aimee. :( tyra says aimee was assigned one of the easiest --- HOLD UP, maybe for YOU, tyra "shake ya body" banks, but not for an ex-mormon. tyra says claire's shoot was her worst. i'm right, claire stays. aimee cries her sweet little heart out. ridiculous that she's been consistently awesome with her pictures and boring-os like stacey-ann and fatima are still there.

grumble grumble grumble

so now i don't know who to fill my empty space with. lauren takes good pictures, but i worry about her inability to present herself well, especially with go-sees next week. then i considered anya, since she's doing so well, but it seems like they are starting to notice that she is mostly by accident. i dislike fatima and dominique, i don't think stacey-ann will last much longer, and whitney's the plus size. but she's doing really well, so whitney is in. thanks for the help guys!

Wednesday, March 26, 2008

i'm blue da bu dee da bu di da bu de da bu di

this man = the newest member of the blue man group.

but seriously folks, other than being blue...he doesn't look all that bad.

now i feel bad about that blue man group comment, because he seems like a nice man.

Tuesday, March 25, 2008

Ken Lee

oh. my. god. thank you so much, the gilded moose:

SRC: ANTM - Fatima sux, claire rulz

Fatima was humbled by being in the bottom 2 last week. She feels like there's no room for mistakes. i feel like with fatima, there's room for anything. EAT A SANDWICH!! she looks kind of like the cover art of my old fave John Bellairs books, which is to say, she looks like an edward gorey drawing. I kind of am starting to love Whitney. Love and hate. Ugh, there's Benny Ninja again. Meh. Dominique asks how many people can say they've met the "inventor of the vogue". Umm, considering how many times he's been on my tv in the last two years, I'd say probably a lot. vendela shows up to teach about the three c's: catalogue, couture, and commercial.

uh oh, there's phone call drama. dominique shows her true colors as one of those women who thinks she's better than others and entitled to more because she is a mother. she picks a fight with whitney. whitney fights back. they both say mean things. umm, i'm gonna side with whitney here, mostly because dominique talks about herself in the third person, but Whitney called Dominique uneducated (it was kind of harsh when she was making fun of how dominique talks) but dominique is the one that made it about race. i have a feeling whitney wouldn't have had a problem calling dominique uneducated if she were white or any other race. she's pretty outspoken.

the girls are taken to pose battle with vendela and benny ninja. they are split in two teams. the winning team gets a trip to some anonymous swag tent. one girl on that team will win an additional special prize. Claire wins! bcs she RULZ! she wins a trip to bora bora. fancy!

marvita worries that she's too ghetto for this! Aww! Marv! fatima, behind her back, agrees.

the photo shoot is a tight head shot with paint splattered all over their faces. oh, in addition to paint it looks like they have theatrical gels on their heads. is that Rosco 46 i see?

DOMINIQUE - great pic. she's totally mr. burns IRL though.
ANYA - nice pic again. Rich may be right about anya making it far, hence much editing to make her seem less annoying.
KATARZYNA - hott! tyra disses her bun makin' skillz.
FATIMA - hairy armpits. they totally would've retouched that, they just wanted to make fun of her.
LAUREN - lost her shoes. awesome picture.
WHITNEY - weird picture. vendela hates her.
CLAIRE - Rules forever!
MARVITA - marvita's picture is saddest molested girl in the world.
STACEY ANN - still struggling overall, but great singular picture.
AIMEE - does well, but is too chameleonlike.

claire is covergirl of the week 4 times running! FTW!

tyra stole lauren's shoes. ho hum. stacey ann is called first, dominique next and claire (!) third. everyone else follows until we are left with marvita and whitney. but it's not quite plus size time yet, and we all know poor marvita didn't have a chance. so marvita goes and whitney lives to see another week. aww, i was just starting to like her.

that huge poster of tyra in the house is reminiscent of the painting from ghostbusters 2 that used to scare the shit out of me.

Monday, March 24, 2008

SRC: PH2 - I Can Take a Hint

I sat down the other night to watch the paradise hotel episode from two weeks ago, and by some sort of divine intervention, i had set the vcr to record at 8 instead of 9. That's three times I've "accidentally" recorded the wrong channel or time, and three is a magic number, so point taken, God. Even though I have also been recording them on my dvr, I think i'm just going to take this as a hint that maybe i should just enjoy paradise hotel by myself. So no more Paradise Hotel list of amazing. i've been really busy recently and am having a hard time keeping up anyway. Hopefully i can get to the top model recap by tonight.

Sunday, March 23, 2008

Subway Spotlight: Newbie Stuck with Easter Shift

Today's subway spotlight is highlighting a subway sandwich artiste who methinks was stuck with the easter shift because she's the new girl (she must be new). here is how our exchange went:

me: can i get a six inch spicy italian on italian herbs and cheese?
her: (goes to get bread, looks down at sandwich fillings, mumbles)
me: what?
her: (mumbles)
me: uh...provolone?
her: (mumbles)
me: uh, spicy italian with provolone?
her: (mumbles)
me: i'm sorry, i can't hear what you're saying.
her: (points at chicken) what kind of meat?
me: oh. spicy italian.
her: (blank stare)
me: uh, pepperoni and salami.
her: oh you want a b.m.t.?
me: no, a spicy italian. it's like the b.m.t. but without the ham.
her: (continues making sandwich, goes to ring me up) so you got a b.m.t.?
me: no a spicy italian. but it's the same price.
her: same price.


Thursday, March 20, 2008

crazy brain

i've had a long busy week, so my tired deliriousness set in around wednesday and has been with me since. thursday was the worst day for me mentally. by the end of the day, my brain was fuzzy, i couldn't complete sentences, and my eyes were at perma-half mast. so imagine what kind of real/imaginary crisis i went through when i spotted each of the following things:

- on my walk to the train i passed a dude in an elmo costume and another in a bugs. bugs was pretty short, which was hilarious..but what weirded me out was that i couldn't really tell what they were promoting. and usually, when you're on mascot duty, you have some sort of handler around you to help you navigate whilst walking (i know from experience)...this is actually one of my favorite things in life to see because its essentially two adults who probably aren't that close, holding hands and walking. and one is in a big furry suit. anywho, these guys had no handlers. and they were kind of being roughly messed around with by some rowdy people. i felt so sad for them. and confused.

- i passed a shell gas station with a huge sign advertising FREE MICROFIBER TOWEL WITH PURCHASE. the picture had three towels in primary colors and at the bottom said "COLLECT ALL THREE!". this struck me as so odd at the time, but i guess now it makes sense for people who like...have cars...and wash them...i guess.

- also in the middle of times square, a giant half globe and a zen garden. i actually knew what this was about because my friends worked on it, so it didn't strike me as odd, but i'm trying to stick to the rule of three here.


Check out this ad for Schweppes that I caught via Best Week Ever:

i've never seen anything so beautiful!!!

Wednesday, March 19, 2008

Mariah = Pebbles

I've made no secret of the fact that i think Rich at four four is a genius. If any of you still need proof, check out his latest post:

"I made the following video with the intent of proving that the verses of Mariah Carey's "Touch My Body" sound like Pebbles Flintstone's baby babble. The biggest discovery during the making of it, however, is that Pebbles was kind of a ho."

seven golden jabbas

Monday, March 17, 2008

My Mom, FTW!!!

Last summer, a certain Cooler than Stupid mother came to visit me and help me move. The entire time she was here flew by because we were crazy busy trying to prevent me from being homeless, and then procuring "things" to fill my new place with. The day she was planning on departing was the day Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix came out in theaters. While we had been talking all summer about seeing it together, until we realized the timing snafu. My mom had only a relationship with the HP movies, but she knew how he ruled my life so she always looked forward to seeing the movies with me.

Imagine my surprise when, even though we were way busy on her last full day in town, she suggested going to a midnight showing at a theater near the airport hotel she was staying for the night. I was amazed that she thought she'd be awake for it, because i was having doubts about myself, but once she was sure she could do it, my energy perked right up and i got super excited.

So the movie was awesome, blah blah blah, it was after 2 am when we left completely dreary eyed and headed back to the hotel. on the drive back, my mom was telling me how she really liked the movie, but there was some stuff she couldn't remember from previous movies so she had to go back and watch the other flicks. i told her that she'd have a much easier time remembering stuff if she read the books. She reluctantly agreed with me. I gave her a totally doable challenge - i told her that i would mail her my books and she had to read at least through the 6th book by the time the next movie came out (november of this year).

Although this was a completely doable challenge, and i had no doubt my mom would eventually finish all books, i thought that it might take her a long time. My mom leads a hustle and bustle life, so it's hard for her to find a time to sit and read without falling asleep. I was a little concerned when it took her about 2-3 months to get through the first book. She mailed it back to me, but then told me her principal (she works at a school) said she would lend her the others. The second book took her about a month and a half. It was at this point that she was like 'yes i do enjoy them, but i might take a break before starting the next one. it's just so hard to find time to read!' I talked her into keeping it up because she was doing so well, so she started and finished the third in a little over a month. Ditto for the fourth...impressive because it's much longer than the others. Then, the magical fifth book came, and I believe my mother reached the same turning point that all of us who started late went through when our collection suddenly switched from paperback to hardcover. She impressed me by finishing it in about three weeks, immediately eating up the sixth in about two weeks...and i'll tell you what, i don't think she left the house when she was reading the 7th. All i know is one day she told me she had finished the 6th and couldn't wait to find out what happened, so she started the 7th that night. Maybe like a week and a half later she was filling me in on her rollercoaster of emotions. so yes, here i am just bragging about how awesome my mom is.

she's totally awesome!

Happy St. Patty's Day!

We here at Cooler than Stupid know that last year, a few readers were enlightened with the st. patty's tradition i shared. in order to keep on spreading the word of the pinch, allow me to repost last year's st. patrick's day tale.


Pinch Me! It can't be true!

i've recently discovered something horrific, which resulted in me conducting a survey. This all started yesterday when i was im'ing my friend. I was saying something to the effect of 'i wish this weekend were a regular weekend because i don't want to deal with having to wear green and pinching and people throwing up everywhere.' To which my friend (New Jersey) responded "pinching??" I couldn't believe she had no idea what i was talking about, so i im another friend of mine. i reiterate the story to her and just as i'm about to say something like 'can you BELIEVE she doesn't know about the pinching?!', friend #2 (Massachussetts) says "pinching?!?" and I flip out again. So at this point, I determine that it's time to get some answers. I im another friend (New Jersey) and I turn around to the coworker behind me (New Jersey) and say "what happens when you don't wear green on St. Patrick's Day?" Both respond: "i don't know, what?". At this point my mind is being blown, because a good portion of my childhood was made up of fear of forgetting st. patrick's day, forgetting to wear green, and spending the entire day getting pinched. So i google the words "green st. patrick's pinch" and a page of results comes up that proves to me that i'm not delusional or creating some sort of fairy world with fantasy memories. After this, I run to the next nearest coworker and i say "what happens when you don't wear green on St. Patrick's Day?" She (Florida) responds "you get pinched!" I thank my lucky stars at this that i am not alone. you see, this weirds me out so much because i grew up in approximately three different places (germany, texas and hawaii) and this tradition existed in all of them. So i figured it was pretty much a known thing that happens, and the fact that i'd already encountered four people that didn't know what the hell i was talking about made my whole world as i knew it fall apart. When i got home for the day, i asked my two roommates what happens on St. Patrick's day when you don't wear green. Oregon said "you get pinched!" and new hampshire said "you get slapped in the face?" (she can be violent sometimes). So, now i guess i'm taking this time to educate the northeasterners and anyone else who doesn't know about the pinching. it's unfair that the rest of the world grew up fearing st. patty's day -- fearing the assholes that would tell you it's not the right shade of green, or the jerks who said that it wasn't enough green (or that the green on your underwear doesn't count), and loving the teachers that would have clovers cut out of construction paper to pin on the kiddies that forgot in order to lessen the amount of violence going down on this oh so irish holiday. I hope some people learned a lesson today, and I hope those people will promptly forget about it after drinking themselves into a slushy puddle on the curb.

Thursday, March 13, 2008

WRC: ANTM - Meat Panties

Previously: Tyra says mirror like "mirra", allison was ungrateful and tyra doesn't put up with that shit.

So, i didn't have my weekly top model party, which means that i haven't seen the episode yet and you get this from my eyes to my fingers. And you're in luck, because I'm deliriously tired!!! hopefully, this will make up for the tardiness of my previous antm post.

dominique immediately starts talking smack like, after they leave panel. the panel at which she was just in the bottom two. i'm also over any pretty she may have had. lauren, i'm also way tired of your awkward girl storyline. i just now realize that marvita doesn't so much have a horse-do, but more of a mullet. a horsey one for sure. and you can throw the word 'fashion' in front of 'mullet', but you're still left with a mullet. over a montage of the girls practicing their walks (in slutty firemen outfits), we hear miss jay say 'strength! power!' hey! that's what we say in boxing too! we aaaare the wooorld.

i thoroughly despise fatima, and i think she might be in trouble this week. why is amis such a tard? like...really? So, Dominique's hair is now the color Tyra wanted. Nope, still fug.

the girls are gonna walk in a House of Tulah show. stupid Ann Shoket shows up with jaslene. they announce that the winner of the challenge will get to be in seventeen with jaslene. they must also do a quick change. stacey ann does well, whitney (they put the plus size in a bathing suit?! tyra you are taking this too far) showed boob, lauren was awkward (shocker), aimee was awesome, katarzyna looks like a mix between ginger spice and posh spice...that must be why i like her! Fatima sux. Dominique was a hot tranny mess. ditto for marvita. claire RULZ! anya..has no eyebrows. amis is such a goof. a dirty-faced fug goof. katarzyna wins and picks marvita and amis (fug and fugger) to be in the shoot with her. Smart girl. It will make her look even prettier. i think marvita may have a crush. lemme just take a moment to say that i didn't like marvita at first...but now that she's staying out of drama and acting like a child discovering a world that actually has nice people in it, she's growing on me. Lauren! You're awkward! You don't fit in! You know your way around the subway system and OF COURSE you live in williamsburg. WE GET IT.

the girls are taken to the meatpacking district, and champion meat packer jay manuel is there looking like a toasted marshmallow. oh lord. they're told they will be posing with hunks of meat and wearing meat. gross. anna nico--whitney, playing her plus size role to a t, says "I eat steak. It wouldn't bother me to like, put it on." of course it wouldn't. i think tyra was expecting more of a reaction from the girls. so what do we think? amis and fats in the bottom? by fats i mean fatima. Before we are led into panel, we see amis get up 15 minutes before they have to leave and "gets dressed'..if you can call it that...and she is lookin a mess. So we can definitely be sure amis is down there.

For some ungodly reason, tyra sings the entire judges' intro. it's no Shake ya body

Stacey ann was meh, whitney had a pretty great pic, aimee has...done better, katarzyna does well but needs to go further, fatima sux and has weird bottom teeth, anya unfortunately does great, claire rox, dominique has improved, lauren gets scolded for her (awkward) runway, but knocks the picture out of the park, amis' pic is meh but she states the obvi and says she covers her nerves with goof and costume. marvita -- paulina said it best "beautiful but unremarkable". Hey, just like Ramiele.

Claire! Cover Girl of the Week AGAIN! woo!!

Paulina and i are on the same wavelength about so much. this might be the start of a beautiful friendship.

anya wins the week, whitney is second and katarzyna is third. tyra makes sex noises to her. it's awkward for everyone. except tyra of course. everyone else follows until amis & fatima (cha-ching! i calls 'em like i sees 'em). Fatima stays because we all know that tyra does not stand for indifference. there's the worst voice over they've ever done (which is saying a lot) of tyra advising amis to stick with it but take it seriously. boring.

next week: i don't know! my dvr cut off the next ons.

Wednesday, March 12, 2008

WRC: ANTM - makeovers!!!

dudes. i got way behind in life this past week and i wasn't able to do a top model thing in time, so i'm just gonna do 'er quick without rewatching the ep. first off, that I KNEW i should've dumped allison. damn me for giving her another chance. she is kind of not a great person, huh?


marvita - i like the look, but there's not much they can do with that, huh?
stacey ann - don't love it
anya - umm...looks like she should be speaking Quenya
dominique - nope. gone soon.
allison - i thought allison looked hot. kinda like kate beckinsale. too bad she was ugly on the inside.
fatima - oh god much better thank you
amis - (am i s)olo in thinking that this girl is totally fug? and maybe crazy.
lauren - ok, get over the awkwardness. let's move on.
whitney - i love the blond
aimee - welcome to my team, you winner
claire - FTW!
katarzyna - woah-mg, so hottt

for a far superior recap than i could ever do, please head over to the always dependable fourfour

also, wooo elle macpherson! not only does she still look great, but she's like 8 feet tall. and she seems so nice.

WRC:AI - Top 12 perfs

paula wast-o-meter: 6.5

finally we're all on the same night and i don't have to keep watching the girls late.

carly - awesome
brooke - how can you not love this girl?
Amanda - great
chikezie - the only time so far that i've liked him
david cook - alright, maybe...
jason - marry me!
Sayesha - i think she started off in a different key than the band
Ramiele - pleasant but boring. Zomg! i wrote that before randy said almost the exact same thing!
David Archuleta - wuh oh. the dreaded forgotten lyrics.

David Hernandez - an emergency test came on the air and shut him up and i was grateful.
Michael Johns - bored.
Kristy Lee Cook - i didn't think she was that terrible, but she's probably going home.

** i'm nervous that d.archuleta might get effed for forgetting the lyrics. :\

Tuesday, March 11, 2008

My Queens

I know that a lot of people don't watch saturday night live anymore because the quality has declined. While i don't disagree with that, i just can't quit it. Every once in a while there is an awesome sketch, or a great host and I, as a comedienne, feel like it's necessary to watch it as like a life requirement because..even though it can be uneven at times, it's been around forever and its what comedian's friends always tell them (us) they're (we're) going to be on one day. also, though they are few, i have so much respect for the women of snl. i think they are genius women and i want to be their friends. so, for those of you who don't watch the show, either when it airs or virally, check out these three awesome awesome videos from recent episodes.

Help Me Stupid Responds!

Dear Sleepy as Shit in the City,

My oh my, are you preaching to the choir here. As you mentioned, it's wonderful to have more light in the day, however Daylight Savings Time can really fuck one's life up, especially for those of us that originally hail from a state where they don't partake in this clock switching activity. I know I personally have been walking around like a Zombie Stripper ever since I was pleased at myself for finishing a project at 2 am, and then one second later it was 3 am. Let me share with you some words of advice and some helpful tips that work out well for me.

First and foremost, don't keep last week's night hours and this week's day hours. This results in a one hour loss of sleep. Also, while it's easy to say "Oh, it's 2am right now, but REALLY it's 1am" when you're going to bed, it does not work as well when you stroll into your office an hour late and use that line on your boss.

Secondly, I recommend getting at least 11 - 13 hours of sleep per night, to make sure you're fully rested, and don't forget to take a multivitamin every morning.

I find that keeping a chafing tray full of hot water in front of your keyboard is a great deterrant for the sleepys. If you end up nodding off at your desk, the scalding water on your face will wake you up right quick*. I would also recommend hiring someone to run up to you at random intervals and surprise slap you. You should probably utilize this method only in dire situations, as these individuals charge by the hour. If all else fails, might I suggest Cocaine?


Hope this helps, you lazy slacker!


*cooler than stupid is not responsible for any burns suffered from employing this method.

Monday, March 10, 2008

Help me Stupid #2

Dear stupid,

Don't get me wrong, I am very happy that it's staying lighter out later, but i am dead tired. So tired in fact, that I think i may be dreaming that I am writing this letter right now. Stupid, do you have any tips on helping me beat this nasty case of the sleepys?!

merci......de455roetpo5ju508-77n0 000e455555555555555555555555555555555555555....ooops sorry, passed out on the keyboard for a second.

sleepy as shit in the city

WRC: PH2 - I Love Being Busty

PH List of Amazing:

30. My VCR decided to properly record this time.

31. This is what i've missed - "finger painting" as a euphemism for doing it. A bunch of people hooking up. Actual finger painting. James tried to take Raheim's lady Tidisha, but not before telling her he's also into Lauren. And Nate checked out of paradise hotel, thank god he could leave with his dignity. rip nate. also, raheim made a move for lauren and james got all pissy about it. Remember back when all they cared about was sharing, because it was caring?

32. The new girl arrives, Stephanie, from Houston...and she's a 22 year old hot girl that 'loves being busty'. This could be a problem for the girls. Especially because all the dudes think she's perfect (aka - she has a huge rack).

33. This week's party: beach party!

34. Stephanie immediately asks for a shot of tequila and a long island iced tea. this girl knows how to fit in.

35. The girls give krista the stink eye because she's trying to make friends with the new girl. All the boys want talk about banging the new girl. Oh, look, that must be the new guy. I'm told his name is Johnny...he looks like a bit of a meathead.

36. Yes! We've started with the proclamations of just "being here to play the game" which is extra hilarious because there really is no fucking game. or, the game is strategically sleep with people enough so that you stick around but not too much so that everyone hates you.

37. New girl gets drunk at, like, lunch, and then everyone discovers her downside- she won't shut up and is kind of an annoying drunk. In short, they all still want to bang her, but they want to duct tape her mouth shut first.

38. Charté informs us that she believes that Stephanie has groped her more than any dudes have groped her. I don't know if that says something about Stephanie or something about Charté.

39. Stephanie, still wasted, has Raheim, Tihidra, and Charté in her room helping her get dressed. When Ryan calls her to try and talk dirty (which doesn't work because she's so drunk) she says 'there are three people in my room right now.' he asks who and she shouts to them "what are y'alls names?". i'm resisting making a joke here.

40. Tihidra and Charté leave and Stephanie sloppily pounces on Raheim's neck. It..doesn't look sexy. Raheim i think now knows what the phrase "careful what you wish for" means.

41. Shockingly, Raheim refuses to take advantage of drunk Stephanie and helps her put her belt back on her pants. who knew?

42. Ryan (or James? meh) discusses with Charté how one of the guys has to sleep with the new girl for the night solely to blow her immunity so they can get her out of the hotel. Man, talk about fucked up.

43. Charté and Tihidra talk about Krista literally four feet away from her. Like, there's a u couch, t and c are on the middle part and krista was on the stem and they were actually talking as though that she wasn't there. it was ridiculous!!

44. Mike is still disgusting. He says to Ryan that girls couldn't keep up with him and called him a sex maniac. liar.

45. Stupid Mike, who is so set with they're doin it and they're both getting emotionally invested and then mike tells us that he's not here to get a girlfriend. wuh oh. He then, idiot, tells Tanya that he would totally hook up with Stephanie and the only reason he wouldn't is because he doesn't want her to like him (don't worry). he just wants to fuck her and throw her away. and then he doesn't understand when Tanya gets mad. She then tells us that he will be cut off if he sleeps with anyone else. Everyone's whistling a different tune than they were in the beginning.

46. They keep telling me there is a girl named Lauren, but she is barely in this show.

47. eep! it's over.

next time, a girl gets eliminated, and james and raheim fight over lauren. (who?)

Thursday, March 06, 2008

Come Experience the Difference

The following postcard arrived in my mailbox a couple days ago:

I really wish you guys could see it in color...(apparently apple didn't tell anyone how to make their shit work with leopard, so not only have i lost my photoshop because of it, and have to do a really roundabout thing to get anything to print, my scanner also doesn't function at i had to scan this on a copy machine at work..hence the unfortunate black and white) because that is really what makes this whole thing stunning.

picture it, (sicily 1945), the top block is a nice urine yellow color, the right block is a beautiful barbecue/mayonnaise mix orange... these blocks are all separated by a thick red line and "come experience the difference" has it's own blue block. Aside from the primary color scheme, let's take a closer look. an eagle-eyed friend of mine noticed the sweet phone number they got -- 718.940.BABY. I'd like to think it's more of a term of affection rather than referencing babies. Also, is this dr. osei or dr. kwakye-berko on the postcard? whoever it is, do you think the other doc was pissed he didn't get any facetime? maybe it's the receptionist.

and another thing...i got this postcard advertising a ladyparts doctor addressed to me in my mailbox. a) how did they get my address, but more importantly b) how did they know i was looking for a local ob/gyn?!?! I'm gonna call them straightaway! 940.BABY!!!!!

and lastly, i'll leave you with this haunting tale -- last summer when i was driving around the neighborhood with my mom and bff david, we passed a shady cottage-looking place with a big sign in front proudly announcing that it was an Adolescent Gynecologist. *shudder* how is it not a red flag when a male goes through gynecology school and says 'i would like to specialize in teen girl cooter'?

We Saved It!

According to this story from, Friday Night Lights has been renewed for a third season. Hooray!!! So now you all have time to catch up with the first two seasons so that we can all watch it together for season 3. Take that, patricia arquette!!

nice knowing ya

I had the news on this morning as I was getting ready for work, and there was a story about an explosion that went off in times square. since i work in times square, i started paying attention. There is this little traffic island in the middle of times square known as Military Island (a recruiting center), and apparently there was some sort of explosion early this morning resulting in a pile of glass right outside the building. This made me a little nervous, but the news didn't seem too concerned, so i headed off to work. When i walked past military island (it's like, half a block from my building) i indeed saw the pile of glass and the broken glass doors. cops were surrounding the island (luckily, military island is right next to a little cop station [but not like cops can protect anyone from explosions]) looking all official. My attention was drawn to the helicopter that was just hanging out above us. this actually made me more nervous because it seemed like the helicopter wanted to be there to catch footage in case anything else happened. I continued into my building and opened my google reader, where i was greeted with this story. As my friend bill said, "a biker in new york with a backpack. should stick out like a sore thumb."

Tuesday, March 04, 2008

WRC: AI - Top 8 boys

Paula Wast-o-meter: 8.7 welcome back, p. someone just refilled her prescription.

Jason Castro - marry me
David Archuleta - right from the start you had my heart
David Cook - the same thing that creeps me out about phillip seymour hoffman, creeps me out about this guy. i don't know exactly what it is though.
Michael Johns - at least he knows he's inxs boy
David Hernandez - this queen sings celine. embracing the press i see.
Chikezie - meh
Danny - he is prettier than most girls i know
Luke - wake me up before you go go. oh luke. oh no.

i think luke is definitely going home and either chikezie or danny (depending on vote for the worst i guess) will follow. however, if danny can successfully out ryan seacrest on national tv, he can place wherever he wants.

Monday, March 03, 2008

Questions...with Sara

I took a different route home from the train today because i had to stop by the store to pick up some sour crizzle for the amazing beef and chipotle burritos i made yesterday and I passed a Carvel with a huge sign with big letters in the window proclaiming:


Underneath it was a smaller sign with smaller letters:

Except hard ice cream and cakes

Here's my question: What the hell besides hard ice cream and cakes can you get at Carvel?

Sunday, March 02, 2008

WRC: ANTM - New York is SO Homeless!!

Here we are in New York City with 14 bitches...that is, one bitch too many. how will this ever be corrected?! kim gloats about how special she feels considering how many other girls would kill for her spot. note this for later. amy officially informs us that her new name is Amis. here's how you remember it - it rhymes with anus.

the girls go to their new digs. they are shocked to learn there are only two bedrooms; one bedroom has (not enough) bunk beds and the other has a giant tila tequila-style bed for multiple occupants. welcome to new york, sluts, two things you should know -- our bedrooms are few and we like to get freaky.

Ok, let's step aside for a minute...because i don't want ya'll to think i'm belittling fatima's (eek) circumcision or marvita's rape, buuut i swear if it comes up every episode, i'm gonna be pissed. and if there is a constant battle between the two over who has had a worse life, then i'm gonna hate them both quick. i hate fatima's unstraightened hair already. and i think she might be a sociopath.

atalya interviews that she's never really been away from home before. hon, you're from brooklyn. this...doesn't count.

the girls are taken on a tour of nyc and dumped in times square for an impromptu badgley mischka fashion show. let me tell you who sucked: marvita, amis, and lauren. ok, then we go back to the house and meet the stupidest thing yet..tyra mail this cycle is on a scrolling marquee thing that scrolls way too slow and all the girls read along like this is 1st grade morning circle time. this is going to get eye stabbingly annoying.

paulina poroskova (aka the new judge) meets the girls at elite to have a practice round of being the mean judge. she tells amis she has bad skin and dominique that she's a transvestite. (at least paulina's honest.) god anya is annoying. i'll tell you who i love though -- Claire. i am on team claire. she's gonna take this competition. i'm also starting to like aimee, but i need more time to feel her out. a giant suv limo cab picks the girls up and A) tyra, how dare you put that monstrosity on the streets of new york and B) guess you don't care about going green anymore.

photoshoot - the girls are posing with homeless people. they will be dressed as homeless and the homeless in high fashion. welcome to new york, a third thing you should know is that we have homeless people. lots of 'em. fatima and marvita have a talk out so marvita can stop being paranoid about fatima's desire to crush her. fatima admits she put up a tough facade because she doesn't want to get walked all over. don't turn sideways. marvita brings up the rape and molestation AGAIN (no disrespect) but fatima amazingly hadn't yet heard about this. friends 4ever!!!11!

kim..i don't know if kim understands what modeling is. or this competition for that matter. won't matter.

paulina is introduced as the new judge and dominique is all "shit". Tyra says "about a year ago, on my talk show, The Tyra Banks Show, I was homeless." One, did she really say "on my talk show, the Tyra Banks show" and 2 -- you were not homeless. nor were you ever grotesquely fat. dressing up for 3 hours does not make you experience suffering equal to these people who live thier lives like this day in and day out.

lauren, anya, aimee, fatima, dominique, whitney, marvita, katarzyna, claire, and stacey ann turn out decent to great pics. Amis, Allison, and Atalya do not. kim comes up for her eval, the judges make fun of her outfit, miss j brings up kim's disinterest at the fashion show, kim says again how she doesn't agree with high fashion, tyra scolds kim for taking a spot while 6 girls were left crying (here we see video footage of the crying girls. hard-hitting), kim says she's just being honest, tyra says 'do you wanna just go home?', kim says "yeah" (!!!), tyra says "bitch, go home." After she left, tyra says it's sad because her pic was beautiful. man i called kim as an early out, but this was a wonderful surprise. tyra voices over that they're still eliminating someone. claire is covergirl of the week. yes! it starts. anya is called first, claire second, and everyone else til we're at amis and atalya. atalya is boring and not memorable and amis doesn't have a clue. atalya gets the boot. thank god i kicked her off my team to make room for awesome claire. i wonder if they just gave her a metrocard to go home with. next week, i think amis and stacey ann might be in trouble. maybe allison, but i'm not ready to kick her off my team yet. also, MAKEOVERS!!!

why our generation is completely screwed up.

I always thought that our generation was so messed up because we watched too much tv, but after revisiting sesame street....I now understand that it is because of the kind of tv we watched.

(i know this video has been around for a while, but it's too great to not post about)

Saturday, March 01, 2008

WRC: PH2 - Woops part two

Paradise Hotel List of Amazing:

29. amazingly, it happened again. i think the world must be telling me to curb my paradise hotel appetite becuz i definitely made sure to set the vcr for my9. i even had accidentally set it for 11, caught my mistake, and fixed i have no idea why the timer recorded Fetch Me A Skank on the cw instead. so again i'm behind. the good thing about paradise hotel is that you never really lose the plot. everything is always the same, even if some people are gone and some are not. what hurts is the pure genius that i know i missed.

someone else's recap at zap2it