Monday, June 30, 2008

hooray for netflix!

a couple weeks ago, i got an email from netflix that gave me an angry face. it went something like this:

i was mad because the profile function is so important to me. i set up a separate queue for tv shows, so that when i send a tv disc in, i get one back. this way i won't ever have three tv discs at once, and i don't have to go in and alternate them. other people use them for more legitimate reasons like having a husband and wife queue, or monitoring their children's queues, etc. cooler than stupidlet ricky sent me an email with a petition threatening to lower our plan (some threatening to deflect to blockbuster) if they didn't reverse their decision. well, i just got this email in my inbox:

i hope there will soon be a tv movie of the week to document this heroic tale.

ps also notice how they are a team when they are delivering harsh news to us, and our friends when they are sucking up. oh netflix!

Sunday, June 29, 2008

she wasn't even hot

i've never been a big fan of public nudity and/or near nudity. throughout intermediate school and high school, i opted to take my p.e. classes during summer school so i wouldn't have to change clothes and shower in front of others -- i could just go home and do all that. i've never owned a bikini. and that time i got hives a few months ago was a difficult few days for me since wearing clothes wasn't an option and i had to get used to myself running around nekkid like a savage. if someone else is comfortable with being naked, you know, that's fine...whatever. but i think -- and i'm talking about in gym/locker room situations here -- that if you're gonna be naked in public around a bunch of strangers, you should pretty much do your business and be done, right? like, okay, you don't have a problem completely changing in the women's locker room..fine, that's fine, everyone is different. but please, PLEASE just be naked long enough to change your clothes or take your shower, lady from today. after boxing class, i headed to the locker room to retrieve my belongings. standing right next to the locker i was using was a lady completely naked. she was wearing nothing, not even shame, and she was motherfucking sending a text message. CAN YOU AT LEAST PUT A TOWEL ON TO DO THAT. she walked behind me so i thought she was heading to the showers, but OH NO, she was just moving closer to her purse, so she could rifle through it and pull out bandaids or something. NAKED. ugh.

Friday, June 27, 2008

don't be actin' callous

Somewhat recently, on the blog

- meet Shitty the Duck! and his poorly manufactured bill

- four action-packed hours ending in a komodo dragon battle

- i have to reevaluate what i think is good

- new favorite club!

- aren't you supposed to put a box on your head when you wish people a happy birthday?

- tyra keeps her word

- i lost my boot balance

- portable boot balance

hot single

for those of you that have asked, here is WifePower's new hit:

i think if you click on those leetle squares on the side, you can even download it.

Thursday, June 26, 2008

Boot Balance

many moons ago, i injured my leg. a moon or two later, i went to the doctor. she relegated me to a walking boot. i wrote a rap about it. wifey laid down some beatz and a verse. and then we made a music video with our brilliant friends.

Wednesday, June 25, 2008

antm kept their word!

they really meant it when they said the winner gets a huge billboard in times square.

this was something i meant to post about three weeks ago...ah, such is life...

Tuesday, June 24, 2008

one of our own

i'd like to take this time to honor a cooler than stupidlet's day of birth....mine very own brother. awww, for he's a jolly good fellow. that reminds me of a great story from college involving singing that ditty and surprising someone with a dead squirrel. anyway, happy birthday ricky. you don't look a day over 22. you are one of a select few that can make me go shopping, travel to williamsburg, and put a box on my head and sing in public all with little to no persuasion.

Saturday, June 21, 2008

Bandanna Club

i spend a lot of time looking things up on google. whether it be the "little miss singing mermaid" commercial of my youth (which i never found), or how to open up my playstation and clean it so rock band will just fucking work already (it did...for a week). most recently, i googled "how to tie a bandanna" (for reasons you might find out about later). I've always had an idea of how to tie a bandanna so it completely covers the top of one's head, but i always ended up with way too much fabric, resulting in batman ears. so i thought i'd give google a shot. right away i found a website (for the bandanna club, naturally [i almost used "natch" there to be funny, but i couldn't bring myself to do it]) with a helpful step by step guide and even accompanying pictures. the best part of this step by step guide, this guide that you find either by googling something about bandannas like i did, or by entering through the bandanna club website (and now by clicking on that link i provided up there), is that the first thing you read in step 1 is "First, you need a bandanna". WHAT?!?! I didn't think i'd need a BANDANNA to tie a BANDANNA around my head!!! Thanks bandanna club!

the word bandanna doesn't look real to me anymore.

Thursday, June 19, 2008

SRC: SYTYCD - so i think i know what's good

i think i usually have a pretty good idea of what is generally good or not. Even if it's something I personally may not like, i will still acknowledge that someone out there might find it decent. for example- jessica alba. don't even get me started on that one. even though I don't agree that she's one of the most gorgeous girls out there, i recognize that she's a good-looking lady that dudes want to bang. even though many of these dudes might think she's a good actress based solely on the fact that they want to bang her, i know for a fact that she's not a good actress.

so with that in mind, even if i don't have an extensive dance background (some jazz, ballet, and tap that all little girls go through, plus some bangin' homecoming floor shows i participated in as well as a thrilling Dance for Theater class taught by a Suze Orman lookalike), i figured i can tell when a performance on So You Think You Can Dance is good or bad. i apparently am very wrong about that. Practically every time i see a performance and materialize thoughts about it, the judges completely disagree with me. every once in a while one of the judges will be on the same page as I am, but they still are against what the other two judges say. an example: one of the routines last night produced the following thoughts in my brain: "that was kind of sloppy" "i think she's doing better than he is doing" "she really looks the part more than he does" "that routine seemed kind of simple". Judges: "What GREAT choreography!" "That was really great you two!!" "he is just an amazing dancer that can do anything!" "He did it much better than she did". i've come to expect harsh words from the judges if i liked a routine, and much praise if i didn't.

secondly, is nigel a homophobe? he is so obsessed with how manly a dude should look while dancing and really gets kind of mean when a guy performs and is lacking in manliness. is he just haunted by memories of being tormented by his peers because he, as a manly youth, was a dancer?

and finally, i really like how SYTYCD differs from idol when it comes to the judges... there aren't obvious roles that each are filling (one nice, one mean, one unnecessary [or wild card, whatever you want to call randy]), each judge on SYTYCD has a separate opinion, many times the opinions differ from one another, and aside from mary's screaming and hot tamale train, they don't employ repetitive use of signature catchphrases or tired metaphors. i think that's grand.

Tuesday, June 17, 2008

Quite the Monday

the following is an approximate schedule of my morning last Monday, June 9. I was in the middle of a crazy week preparing for a show that needed more time than we could give it (though, i mean, not to brag or anything, but we totally pulled it off...Katie Hartman, Leah Rudick, Laura Von Holt, and Adrienne Dawes-Martinez are real rock stars.) so between the heat wave, the tired, the shoot i was working on in my day job, the painful physical therapy i had recently started for my bum leg, and the general stimulus overload that was a result of a M.I.A. concert I had attended the friday before, I was in quite a state. This state made this particular morning very puzzling to me.

7:40 - wake up
8:40 - leave for subway
8:47 - descend stairs and head to turnstiles, where i am greeted by an angry mob (lacking torches, thankfully) grumbling and yelling at the ticketbooth. One lady in particular is quite angry, shouting "there was no notice! there was no notice!" and "I NEED to get to work!!!". For those of you not from New York, this is not a good sign.
8:48 - i turn to check out the ticketbooth and the man inside is writing on the dry erase board "No F train service to Manhattan". This was a problem because the F train is the only train available to me, and the only option they were providing was silly. What they were suggesting we do was take the F to Coney Island, switch to an R and take that in to Manhattan. That would be a perfect plan if it didn't take you 30 minutes in the opposite direction. If i were merely heading to work, I wouldn't have been stressing out, but I was heading to physical therapy, and was worried i'd be charged if i missed the appointment.
8:49 - i think fast and head to the B67 bus, which will take me close to an R train that's in the direction i want to go. Many others have this plan, and the buses are uncomfortably packed with people in shitty moods.
9:20 - i arrive at my stop, hop off, and book it 3 avenues to the R train. On the way, i call my physical therapist's office and tell them i will be late.
10:05 - i arrive at the physical therapist.
10:20 - I find out the sweet old lady on the table next to me is a nun who is way into horse racing. I listen to her discuss the previous weekend's sad belmont stakes to try and distract me from the excruciating pain my PT is inflicting on me. She overhears my PT mention my doctor's name to me, and after he leaves, starts to bond with me over having the same doctor. She asks me my name so she can tell the doc we met. After i tell her, she responds with a sigh and 'Clara and Sara'. I ask if her name is Clara. It is.
11:05 - i head to the train so i can go into work. i pass under a tree and feel a huge warm droplet land on my head, sunglasses, and hand. my first instinct is that a bird just shit on me. when i saw that everything was clear and had no apparent odor, i assumed it was the last water droplet left after the storm the night before. this wasn't the first thought that occurred to me because at that point, it was about 200 degrees outside, and i didn't think any water had survived anywhere.
11:20 - on my way to my office building, a man suddenly approaches a woman walking next to me, stops directly in front of her so that she can't proceed, and says "what do you think you're doing?" she didn't attack him, so maybe they knew each other? still pretty random.
11:24 - i pass a colony of pigeons feeding on what seems to be lots of uncooked rice thrown all over the street. i get sad as i picture the pigeon explosions that will occur later.
11:27 - i enter my office building. a man approaches a woman next to me and says "just straggling in, eh?", the woman, without missing a beat or losing her step, very boldly (for someone showing up at 11:27 that didn't just come from a doc appointment) says "yep!"
11:28 - i see a news story in the elevator about 6 divers that had gotten stranded on some island or something, and their first task upon coming ashore was to FIGHT OFF A KOMODO DRAGON

Saturday, June 14, 2008

merde le canard

we want to speak to the makers of this duck bill

Friday, June 13, 2008

Thursday, June 12, 2008


hi there

apologies for the lack of posts this week, becca and i have been up to our somethings in busy stuff. I just wanted to quickly let everyone know of a fun show going on tomorrow night. Former schoolmates of Becca and I have a sketch group called The Impending Moustache, and my newish group (including cooler than stupid family member Dawes, but unfortunately not including Becca), The Christine Farrell School for Wayward Comediennes, will be opening for them. The show starts at 11 pm on Friday the 13th (oooooh) and it will be at the PIT...which i believe is on 29th and 7th. There might be some sort of cost...around 8 dollars i think, but i'm not positive.


The Impending Moustache

The CFSWC does not have any sort of social networking page, but the members are as follows:

Adrienne Dawes
Katie Hartman
Sara Martinez
Leah Rudick
Laura Von Holt

Monday, June 09, 2008

Chronicles of Aging

Remember how there was time when computer "age verification forms" never had a 20-- or four spaces as an option when entering your year because anyone born after 2000 was a toddling baby? Well, as i was just filling out my four digit year of birth (for porn, natch), i wondered why i had to type in my 19. 'Oh' I thought, because someone born in 2000 could be EIGHT FUCKING YEARS OLD.


Friday, June 06, 2008

Thursday, June 05, 2008

Another Round of Questions!

It's time for some more random questions! My favorite! Even though i never get answers :(

Number 1: On my way back from a physical therapy appointment yesterday, I ran into some train problems. One train was traveling west at 45 mph...oh wait, wrong question. actually, i was waiting on the platform for quite some time (considering it was the middle of the day) for an E train. When it finally came, the load of people waiting to get on had increased significantly. We all shuffled onto the train and sat in the station with the doors open for about 10 more minutes. Then the conductor came on and told us that there was a sick passenger on the train (they ruin everything) that needed medical attention, so the train was now out of service and could we all kindly get our asses off the train. so we grumbled our way off the train, and now the platform is hoppin'! The train closes its doors once everyone is off, and sits in the station for another 5 minutes. Then, the doors reopen and the conductor comes on again saying that the train is back in service. here is my question: do you think they just tossed the sick passenger out the back of the train, but kicked us all off so we wouldn't be witnesses? because that's what i think.

Number 2: What are the chances that Cat Deeley, host of So You Think You Can Dance, is just Blake Lively (aka Serena Van der Woodsen) putting on a British accent? I think the chances are highly likely.

Wednesday, June 04, 2008

go kensington!

my little quiet unassuming neighbeehood is gonna be in the movies! the taking of pelham 123 has been shooting a little here a little there three blocks from where i live. things you can look forward to seeing in this movie that will bring you closer to me are as follows:

- my subway station (which they kind of took over part of yesterday, but i ain't mad at them)

- my post office (doubling as the federal reserve)

- my future fling, Denzel Washington

- james gandolfini (because my dad loves the sopranos)

some other things that you will see in this movie that won't bring you closer to me

- John Travolta

i kind of wish there was a secret hand signal i could've flashed to the crew so they would know i was one of their kind, but it's been so long since i've worked on a movie, that the hand signal i know of is probably way outdated. also, as i told a friend of mine, there were a lot of coppers hanging around, and you don't want to flash ambiguous hand signals around a bunch of popo.

Monday, June 02, 2008

Score one for the NYPD!

i don't often experience joy at someone else's pain or downfall, but in this instance, i'm just too giddy to help myself:

Tatum O'Neal busted for crack

i feel completely guilt-free in jumping for joy at this news and i have good reason. i may have alluded to this (or even gone into detail) previously, but just to reiterate-- many of you know that tatum o'neal is my number one enemy. if anyone ever asks me about bad celebrities i've worked with, she is always my first and most emphatic answer. and this wasn't just a one-day thing, i was on a film with this bitch for a good couple of months. not only is she an absolutely terrible actress, she is really a class D human being too. She made my friend, the propmaster, cry when she was just trying to do her job (all over a prop purse), she has huge hideous opium poppy tattoos on both of her arms (i know this isn't a personality trait, but it shows she makes bad decisions), she didn't treat most of the crew very well, except the cute boy 25 years her junior that she kept making eyes at. she once held us back almost a full day of shooting (and pretty much demanded that we change location or she'd call her lawyer) because the hotel room we were using as a set was making her cough. also, this 'please let me go, this was my first relapse' bullshit that she said to the cop that caught her hands-full of baggies of crack and cocaine, is such JUNKIE TALK! oh this is her first relapse, but she just happened to know she could pick up a couple baggies of what she needed from the homeless man three blocks over. and, we're pretty sure she was meeting regularly with her dealer on the film. there would be many instances where she was acting like a raging bitch, would go off and meet with some guy and come back a little while later happy as a clam.

my point is, i'm elated at this news. i'm sorry that she's suffering from addiction, i do wish her luck in getting through that, because i'm fairly positive that a lot of her rank behavior and attitude has to do with her drug problems, but seriously. get her off my tv screen and off the streets. she was buying crack from a homeless man! and she said it was research for a part! what an idiot. that is all.

cooler than stupid fashion corner

i can't really articulate my reason why, but these shoes kind of make me want to barf.

i think it has something to do with my hatred of feet (particularly the bottoms of feet).

that's it.