Monday, July 31, 2006

Coolface recommends....

Circus Bar on 9th Ave btw 43rd and 44th. Not only can you get a pitcher of PBR for pennies, you meet other sketch comedians (Chris from The Townies), Short-film makers, (a guy called Brian), AND your local bartender from Long Island City (Justin, the bartender). Clearly this is the bar to meet and greet in. Coolface rates it four stars.

Important Message from A. Rock

Dear Mr. Coolface,

I regret to inform you that I am a happily married rock and have no intentions of leaving my wife, Mrs. Bed Rock, and my three pebbles, Stone, Sediment, and Anthracite for Ms. Anderson-Rock. I prefer my ladies with a little fewer faults, though I can always appreciate good stratification if you know what i mean! I thank you for the recommendation on behalf of the Rock family; including my deceased father, Fossil. You may contact us after we return from our education vacation to Plymouth Rock.

A. Rock

Friday, July 28, 2006

Special Two Part Subway Spotlight

Okay, so this first guy is a little bit of a rule stretch. First off, he's more homeless man than subway performer. Secondly, he doesn't so much hang out on a subway, but more like a block or so from one. but, he is truly spectacular in his subtlety and therefore he qualifies for recognition. Jingles is a man with one leg and one stump who sits in his wheelie chair on 43rd and Broadway shaking a change cup while saying "help me". here is an exclusive transcript of his presentation:
*shake*shake*shake*shake*shake*shake*shake* Help me.
*shake*shake*shake*shake*shake*shake*shake* Help me.
and so on...

I discovered this amazing talent whilst riding on the R train. A man, who seems to be alone and is definitely not homeless starts up his speech a couple feet away from me. it hits the normal points "spare some change" "help us out" blah blah blah...and i'm looking around him wondering who "us" is. There are a few people surrounding him....3 bored looking men who seem like they couldn't care less about helping him out and some college kids who were definitely not with him. then, all of a sudden, this leader says "let's go!" and he starts a-singin' and the 3 bored looking men perk up and join him in perfect harmony. When they sang to me that I had stars in my eyes like dimples in the skies, I promptly emptied my pockets right into their Burger King bag. I might just jump on the R in my spare time to see if i can catch another show. i suggest everyone else do the same.

Pamela Anderson-Rock

Since we here at Coolface think of ourselves as fine matchmakers (look at the magic we created for christie brinkley) we thought we would line up some back-up men for Pamela Anderson just in case this next marriage to Kid Rock doesn't work out. We've hand picked these candidates so that they can easily slide into a relationship with Pam and she won't have to go through the pesky and tedious process of changing her name again.

1)Chris Rock

2)The Rock

3)a rock

you're welcome pam.

Dont ask. Just look.

Thursday, July 27, 2006

that crazy redhead

As we've heard recently (and several times before), Lindsay Lohan was hospitalized for "dehydration" and "heat exhaustion" because, according to her publicist, she was "working" for 12 hours in 105 degree heat. Now, we all know that this kind of statement is merely part of a publicist's job; a client effs up somehow and the publicist earns her huge paycheck by putting a spin on the truth so that the star in question remains in the most positive light possible. the problem is, publicists underestimate the intelligence of the general public and don't realize that we've come to recognize certain statements as thinly veiled excuses for bad celebrity behavior.
here are some examples:
-usually anything that has to do with hospitalization due to dehydration and/or exhaustion equals too much partying plus enormous amounts of alcohol plus probably a lot of blow.
-"taking some time off" usually equals rehab
-"tom cruise is the happiest he's ever been" = tom cruise is feeling quite gay
-"i'm not gay" = i am gay

But, along with underestimating our intelligence, publicists once in a while try to be cute by throwing in seemingly unnecessary details that end up being clues that lead us on a scavenger hunt of truth. For example, when vitamin B shots are used in one of those dehydration/heat exhaustion instances, there's probably a pharmacist around somewhere that knows what that really means

UPDATE!! Check out this scandalous letter courtesy of TSG

Lance Bass Comes Out

After he was unable to completely avoid the matter by launching himself into space, Bass decided to come out and tell the world he is a lesbian.

gay, i mean. he's gay.

see tom- it's not that hard.

Coolface Summer Reality Kickoff Corner

Here's who we think needs to go in the next round of kick offs:

We really hate Keith, but seeing as he might go next week anyway , we think it should come down to the battle of the crazies: Angela & Vincent.
ps why hasn't michael won a challenge yet? he is clearly awesome.

Josh. Though its really anyone's guess as to why Zayra is still there...seeing as the band has basically made it clear to her that the only way they want her is in Tommy Lee's bed.

Tatum O'Neal.

Okay, not really a reality show with kick offs, per se...but Coolface really hates Tatum O'Neal and doesn't think she should have work. Coolface is not mean spirited, but has experience with the poppy-tatted witch and can confidently and with good reason say she is a terrible person and an even worse actor.

Let us know who you think should go and any other summer shows you are watching in the comments section.

Seperated at anorexic birth!

Or maybe they just both have wicked high metabolisms. They got it from their mom.

Like the Syph.

Monday, July 24, 2006

Lets pick a new husband for Christie!!

send a text to HUSCHRS!!! Or just post.

Tuesday, July 18, 2006

What the hell happed to Russia?

Remember when the Russians were scary and we thought that every day they would blow us up because they were fascist commie bastards? I think I prefer that to scary old man Putin sucking on a little boy's belly..

Sunday, July 16, 2006

release the doves!

good buddies of coolface are getting married this coming week, and we are proud to work our gift giving magic on them. these will double as a wedding/sorry for kneeing your photographer in the nuts gift.

nothing says thoughtful like a handmade gift - especially when it's a vampire family made out of rotten apples.

we liked the personalized shit (and we mean shit), so we might get them this monogrammed toilet paper. unfortunately coolface had an emergency involving some bad bratwurst, so we can no longer give our friends this gift.

now this is serious art. we expect to see the elvis skull bust displayed prominently in their apartment.

p.s. - it doesn't come with a gift receipt, because this baby is one of a kind! (well...actually...coolface just lost the receipt, shhhhh)

well guys, we can't wait for your open bar, we mean stealing your presents, we mean mooning your! we mean wedding!

Tuesday, July 11, 2006

A Coolfacer got hit on!!!

E-hit on that is... anyone out there wonder what kind of smooth-talking is required to seduce one of the CF ladies, internet-style? use this message from "H00daWill, I am a F00l's Lover" as a guide and you are well on your way to making one of us pantsless in record time...

"Pardon Myself,Excuse me, if you were busy,but after viewing your page taken a liken to what i see & seein what i like.Leaves me with no choice but to speak my peace.I go by the name of Will, if you must know?Now furthermore since i have your univited attention. Whats your status? Whats your profession? With that in a nutshell.Please take this greeting into some consideration and get at me.


your pants are off now, too, aren't they?

Tuesday, July 04, 2006

Greetings from Fantasy Camp

Recently at the camp, the employees were treated to a special movie to celebrate all of our hard work as well as our country's freedom. I, of course, arrived in time for The 2wenty, so i could be treated to exclusive interviews with the casts of hot upcoming flicks. When a behind the scenes look for "Gridiron Gang" came on, I heard someone behind me (probably from the maintenance staff) say, "I want to see that movie, it looks good! Rock is such a good actor."
Ok, first of all, its THE Rock. You call him The Rock, you call him Dwayne, or you call him Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson, but you do not just call him Rock. That's almost as bad as when a friend of a coolface mom said she wanted to see "The Rent".
Secondly, The Rock is not a good actor. He's just a man with superior control over his eyebrow.