this is why i'm single

before i begin, you should know that i have two major complexes. the first is thinking that people don't or won't remember me after a couple meets. the second is my height. i went on a couple dates with a guy who lost me after he made fun of my height.

i also am one who loves an occasion to dress a lil fancy. however, i can only fully enjoy it if i'm either headed to a destination with another person or if i can go from point A to point B with no stops. new york has trained me to believe that going out with a skirt and makeup equals catcalls, comments, and/or propositions. unfortunately for me last night, i not only headed to my destination solo, but i also had to make a quick stop on the way.

whilst i was waiting in line to pay, i hear out of the corner of my ear "oh, hold up, there's a beautiful lady next to you." now...it's hard for me to explain this, but i really hate this shit. i'm not being egotistical here, i was the only female with 8 other drunken males in the store, so this guy was obviously talking about me. this happens to me all the time -- a guy will loudly say something similar to this, hoping that that in itself will be so flattering to me that i'd turn around and engage him in conversation. however, i never respond to these attempts. i don't think it should be assumed that i'm standing around listening to all the conversations around me waiting to hear if someone thinks i'm hot. if somebody wants to talk to me, it would do them good to try and get my attention first.

alright so here i am not responding to this because for all i know, some beautiful lady could've walked in the store behind me and he's talking about her. or maybe he refers to his friends as beautiful ladies. it's not for me to decipher. then i hear him say 'what do you have going on tonight?' i don't answer because i am faced 180 degrees away from this person. he doesn't have my attention! i don't just walk through the aisles of the grocery stores answering questions i overhear. so then after my nonresponse, he says 'oh, so she's ignoring me.' this is the line that they always go to and it angers me to no end. it is also the line that i allow myself to acknowledge these people, because at this point i need to show that i am not being timid, i'm just being annoyed.

so i turn to him and i say "No, i just don't respond to someone unless they are directly addressing me" and i turn back around to face the cashier. of course all seven of his drunken friends are like "OHHHHH!!!!!!!!!" there are still two of his drunken friends in front of me in line. the cashier is enjoying this situation a little too much, but does give me a supportive smile of solidarity. at this point, i believe that i'm in the clear. i've acknowledged him. i've not shown interest. and again i am facing away from him. i just want to pay and get out. but give them an inch and they'll take a motherfucking mile. like that stalker i had.

so this guy is conversing with me like we're on our first date:

douche: Do we stink?

Me: (turns to look at this mass of large sweaty drunken menchildren.) Like liquor? (turns back to face away from them)

douche: well, yeah obviously, but body odor? we've been playing all day.

me: i can only smell liquor.

douche: We had an awesome day. We did some great stuff! We played about 54 holes of golf.

me: wow. impressive. (do i even need to note my sarcastic tone here? also, i am still not even facing or looking at these guys.)

douche: well. not real golf. disc golf. we're pretty lazy guys. we like to get a lot of beer, a shitload of kind bud, and just get fucked up and play all day.

non-douchey friend: dude! stop!

douche: what? she's not a cop.

non-douchey friend: just stop.

douche: she's too short to be a cop. (*please note that he is calling me short while i'm wearing boots with three inch heels. imagine if he'd seen how short i really am.)

non-douchey friend: dude. what is your problem?

douche: she's too short to be a cop! she can't be a cop. cops aren't short.

at this point, he moves from behind me to the left side of me, and sticks his head in close.

douche: you're not a cop right?

me: (scoffs and shakes head in disbelief.)

douche: see! she said it herself. she's not a cop because she's too short.

me: (leaves)

Tales of Brooklyn Wooing: Gyro King

i know this is something i've pondered before, but i really do wonder about certain dudes' methods of trying to pick someone up. if you need me to get into specifics, i did so here. catch up if you need to and come back to me.

i went into my fave kensington 24 hr gyro place since i worked late today and had nothing defrosted to cook. as soon as i walk in, a male customer lets out an excited yell. i figure he was as thrilled as i was about the gyros. i walk up to the counter and greet the two friendly workers that are always there (any day, any hour...when do they sleep!?) the one worker that i normally converse with was all "the usual?" and i was all 'Oh Roger*, you know me so well'. (Note: his name isn't roger and really i just said "yes"). then some guy who i had heard yelling in the bathroom comes lumbering out. the first yelling guy scurries up to him, says something to him and gestures to me, to which the lumberer responds with "WHOOOOOOOOOO!!!!! how are YOU doing?!" so now i'm uncomfortable because two random dudes are screaming at the sight of me. between the two of them, they are saying random things about how good i look blah blah blah, at which point my dear friend, roger** (**again, not his name) asks them to stop because i am a very good customer. i kind of fell in love with roger for defending my honor here. then i kind of just ignore this guy and watch the other worker put together my gyro. Lumberer responds to this as "man, why you gotta do that? it's not like the ghetto. it's not like i was all 'yo ma, looking good baby.'

ok, seriously? number one - seriously? number two - i don't know where this kid lives, but ghetto or no, anywhere i go in the city there is a good chance someone will say "yo ma, looking good baby" and third...wouldn't you say screaming "WHOOOOOOOOO!!!! how are YOU doing?!" is pretty equivalent to this "ghetto" example? i mean, seriously. then this lumberer is still rambling on about this and is finally like 'i'm just a guy, wanting to say hi, see how you're doing. i may be a little drunk, but...' at this point i was like 'yes, i can tell you are drunk.' i paid for my sandwich, and in my haste to grab my free soda ($4.00 meal deal!) and get the eff outta there i FORGOT to tip roger!! i ALWAYS tip him, and out of all the times to forget to tip him, it had to be the time that he was my hero! i considered going back to give him the tip, but i was worried the two drunkos would take that as a sign that i wanted to see them again.

the sad thing is that i bet mr. lumberer gets more action than i do. i guess i'm just picky.

a formal apology

On thursday evening after work, a coworker had some of us over to her awesome apartment to play Rock Band. We got some wine and had a nice healthy group of about 11 rocking out. I'd never played the game before, but apparently was quite the talent when it came to drumming. A group of about five of us left around 9:30 so we could make it back to another coworker's apartment in time for Lost...and of course more wine. Needless to say, I was ...mmmalittle drunk by the time i got home. I did what i always do after getting home for the day -- planted myself in front of my computer for about an hour to comb through my google reader and any emails i may have gotten. Also, i noticed my friend Bill had left his IM on at work, so i thought it would be funny to send him a few ims that would greet him in the morning. Also, I remembered that my friend Liz had requested that I continue emailing her crazy/funny stuff I find in my daily internet travels, so i shot her two or three emails of stuff i came across and also informing her that i had just found out that i apparently ride skateboards with a goofy stance. i decided i was too tired at this point to watch tv, so i'd pop in a movie to watch as i ever so gently fell asleep. after about five minutes of the movie, i thought to myself 'self, you might be too drunk to watch a movie right now...how did you get so drunk?...maybe you should just go to sleep.' I listened to myself and went to sleep.

The next morning, i woke up and then stood up to go to the bathroom and was all wobbly. As i prepared for the day i wondered to myself "self, why do you feel like shit today?" then i went over the night and put together what i had to quench my thirst the prior evening - a glass of champagne, two and a half glasses of white wine, a jello shot, a glass of red wine...and no dinner. woops. my day went on, and i discovered that i had not just im'd bill a few times or sent liz a couple emails. this is the drunken trail i left:

IM to Bill:
11:35:42 PM pudepaw: i am kinda drunk right now
11:35:51 PM pudepaw: so i think you'll enjoy getting htis mmessage in the mornign
11:36:02 PM pudepaw: after work toay, we went to jenn's house to play rock band
11:36:11 PM pudepaw: and i was AWESOME even though i'd never played before
11:36:18 PM pudepaw: awesome enough to consider a career in drums
11:36:28 PM pudepaw: does your internet band nnedd ? drusm
11:36:36 PM pudepaw: i've neerfer played real ones befroe
11:36:38 PM pudepaw: i'm drunk
11:36:42 PM pudepaw: talk to hyou aler!'
11:36:44 PM pudepaw: later!

I also found out that i had sent, like SIX emails to my friend Liz, decided it would be a great idea to type up my top model recap, commented on becca's handicapped signage post, played my turn in scrabulous and left a drunken typo-filled message there, and apparently put something about drumming in my myspace status (? i don't even remember what it said). So this post is just a formal apology to anyone who might've been affected by my rampage. These are all i can recall, if there is anything or anyone else i missed, i apologize. unless it was entertaining, in which case, you're welcome.

is dat u, seeling cat?

Don't ask me why, but yesterday i started drinking around 1pm. (don't worry, i was still at work and it was work-related, so i wasn't completely wasting my life away, DAD.) I eventually got kinda drunk and remained this way for the rest of the night. I left work, drunk slept on the train, woke up disoriented, went home for like 10 minutes to change out my bag and remove one layer of shirt that i was wearing, then headed out to meet my friend so we could drink before heading to roller disco (!). subsequently, i was more drunk when we made it to roller disco. At roller disco, I drank more. Surprisingly i only fell on my ass once, and i amazingly kept my almost-full beer from spilling a drop. I get home about 1:30, think about how i've been drunk for so long, "watch" a couple episodes of entourage and pass out drunkenly. When i wake up late this morning, I do what i usually do - plant myself on the computer and waste a couple hours. After I'm satisfied with this, i head to my living room to watch tv. halfway through the hallway, i stop short...i see some sort of undefined dark shape floating above my bookshelf. a million things run through my head -- is it a balloon i don't remember getting that's floated over there? did someone break into my apartment at some point and leave a creature and/or robot to attack me? i turned the hall light on and inched closer, but still couldn't make out what it was. i hesitantly walked a little closer and made sure no one was in the living room. when i turned on the light, what i saw was not any of the options that ran through my head -- a portion of my ceiling had fallen in. and apparently, a portion of my ceiling looks to be made of cardboard. here's what i saw:



the cardboard ceiling part had fallen out and was being held there by peely paint. a trash bag had unfurled itself into my apartment. around my floor there were bits of paint, ceiling, and an empty crumpled pack of british cigarettes (?). i didn't see any glowing eyes in the hole, but i also didn't want to get too close. nothing in my living room seemed to be hurt, but my coffee table looked like a bucket of water was dumped on it...all the papers (kinda important ones) i had on it were water damaged. this is especially confusing because the coffee table isn't really near the hole, and nothing else in the room seemed to have gotten wet. also, what kind of liquid was sprayed on my coffee table? it better be em-effin water.

here's the question -- did this happen before i drunkenly got home from work? before i drunkenly got home from roller disco? or while i was drunkenly passed out?