Why Slutfire Exists

(I was going to write a post for this, but I already had to copy and paste this email once to send from different email addresses, so I'll just paste it again here because i'm laaaazzyyyy)

listen, i try to stay away from the shameless self promotion, especially in mass email form, however, it's one of those necessary times. this is the short film, kazoo, that i helped to make two summers ago....it took a little while to edit, but it has finally hit the internetz, so i thought i'd share it with you guys, my friends, for the following reasons...you can choose whichever reason(s) you feel best applies to you personally:

- because you've been asking about when you'll see the final product

- because i respect what you think is funny

- because i think you're neat

- so you know that i didn't just run away to my friend's house in austin to play around all day, mom (this one is really only for my mom)

- i like trying to make you laugh

- because it was written and directed by the brilliant adrienne dawes

umm...that's all i can think of

xoxo
s

A Phone Conversation with My Mother

MOM: (to something or someone on her side of things) Get! Get! Shoo! Oooops! I think i just hit a (mumbles some word that starts with p).

ME: You hit a panda?

MOM: No! A penguin!

ME: A penguin?!

MOM: Yes! A penguin.

ME: There are penguins walking around the street?!?!

MOM: Oh, no, not a penguin. A pigeon!

ME: Oh, that's different.

Questions: GG Edition

Actually it's just one question...on tonight's episode of gossip girl, former bad girl serena told current bad boy chuck that because of her old ways, she now has to 'break 2000' on her SATs. now, forgive me if i'm old, but, isn't 1600 the highest score? i know they recently (as in, between when i graduated from high school and now...so maybe not so recently) added in an essay section and took out analogies...but is the total score higher now too? Are there kids walking around now that can say "oh i scored 1500 on my sat's" to those of us used to the 1600 scoring system and we can think they are really geniuses, but in actuality they aren't as smart as we thinks they are?


ANSWER: Dudes, i saved you all some trouble and looked it up meself -- the answer is YES, the scoring was changed. In 2005, when they added the writing section, they expanded the highest possible score to 2400, with each section being worth 800. This is kinda crazy actually. who knew that something we took for granted, like 1600 being the highest sat score, could actually be completely different for three years without us realizing it? and by us i mean me. thanks wikipedia!

also, if you're curious about those snotty aforementioned make-believe kids that were bragging about their 1500 sat score, when you factor in the inflation, it's actually more like a 1000. rest easy, the world isn't being taken over by geniuses.

a formal apology

On thursday evening after work, a coworker had some of us over to her awesome apartment to play Rock Band. We got some wine and had a nice healthy group of about 11 rocking out. I'd never played the game before, but apparently was quite the talent when it came to drumming. A group of about five of us left around 9:30 so we could make it back to another coworker's apartment in time for Lost...and of course more wine. Needless to say, I was ...mmmalittle drunk by the time i got home. I did what i always do after getting home for the day -- planted myself in front of my computer for about an hour to comb through my google reader and any emails i may have gotten. Also, i noticed my friend Bill had left his IM on at work, so i thought it would be funny to send him a few ims that would greet him in the morning. Also, I remembered that my friend Liz had requested that I continue emailing her crazy/funny stuff I find in my daily internet travels, so i shot her two or three emails of stuff i came across and also informing her that i had just found out that i apparently ride skateboards with a goofy stance. i decided i was too tired at this point to watch tv, so i'd pop in a movie to watch as i ever so gently fell asleep. after about five minutes of the movie, i thought to myself 'self, you might be too drunk to watch a movie right now...how did you get so drunk?...maybe you should just go to sleep.' I listened to myself and went to sleep.

The next morning, i woke up and then stood up to go to the bathroom and was all wobbly. As i prepared for the day i wondered to myself "self, why do you feel like shit today?" then i went over the night and put together what i had to quench my thirst the prior evening - a glass of champagne, two and a half glasses of white wine, a jello shot, a glass of red wine...and no dinner. woops. my day went on, and i discovered that i had not just im'd bill a few times or sent liz a couple emails. this is the drunken trail i left:

IM to Bill:
11:35:42 PM pudepaw: i am kinda drunk right now
11:35:51 PM pudepaw: so i think you'll enjoy getting htis mmessage in the mornign
11:36:02 PM pudepaw: after work toay, we went to jenn's house to play rock band
11:36:11 PM pudepaw: and i was AWESOME even though i'd never played before
11:36:18 PM pudepaw: awesome enough to consider a career in drums
11:36:28 PM pudepaw: does your internet band nnedd ? drusm
11:36:36 PM pudepaw: i've neerfer played real ones befroe
11:36:38 PM pudepaw: i'm drunk
11:36:42 PM pudepaw: talk to hyou aler!'
11:36:44 PM pudepaw: later!

I also found out that i had sent, like SIX emails to my friend Liz, decided it would be a great idea to type up my top model recap, commented on becca's handicapped signage post, played my turn in scrabulous and left a drunken typo-filled message there, and apparently put something about drumming in my myspace status (? i don't even remember what it said). So this post is just a formal apology to anyone who might've been affected by my rampage. These are all i can recall, if there is anything or anyone else i missed, i apologize. unless it was entertaining, in which case, you're welcome.

New Widget!

I just wanted to direct everyone's attention to the new PINK widget down there on the right side. i'm always talking about how much i love my google reader, but i get so sad because i have only two friends that i am sharing with. No more! Now, with this crowd, i'll have at least FIVE people to share with. Check it out if you're bored -- these are just things i come across during the day that i find hilarious/interesting when i'm frequenting other blogs.

SRC: ANTM - I DON'T BELONG!!!

previously: 6 girls went to rome, stacy anne went home. in case you are wondering if things aren't gonna translate well over there, lauren immediately tells us she doesn't fit in. phew! thank god! i was worried we'd never hear that again. while getting out of the bus, anya either forgot you have to step down off a bus, or thought she was skydiving, because she hilariously falls face first onto the stree.t

before we continue, i should just let everyone know that' i'm drunk typing. plaeze excuse typos...ui wrote this when i was sober..i'm just typing when i'm drizzle

-- for the tyra mail, they photoshopped tyr'as face on the mona lisa. for real. mmhm.

fatima is sick (always somehthing with this one) the girls get a rome tour on segways. there is much hilarious falling. after the tour, they are taken back to gai mattiolo's for a challenge. they must impress him with their ability to adapt to italian style with italian makeovers. winner gets a dress for a 'red carpet event'. anya wins again.

the girls hve their covergirl shoot in itailisn this week. lauen is petrified because covergirl is 'so not her'..considering how much ocvergirl is involved with the winner...maybe she should have thought of this earlier. needleass to say, she does terribly. dominique is terrifying, anya is average bad for this challenge, katarzyna is impressive, fatima complains about bieng sick but really impresses the direcor and whiteny is too fake. can i just note that when they are all watching lauren's video in panel, you can see katarzyna cracking up at how awful it is in the background. that is my girl. sppeaking of my girl, , she getscalled up and says "i think its' time for another leson on how to say my name"...nice! tyra's all "you're talking a lot today" then, the judges all praise her commercial, but tyra insists that it's boring. she then gets the other girls to group mock kataryna, and THEN dismisses her sying her name wrogn AGAIN! what a cunt. katarzyna tries to get her to say ti right and stupid tyra says 'whatever, go". i hate tyra.

anya is covergirl of the week.

fats is called first, katarzyna secod (tyras still aying her name wrong, katarzyna is not pleased) then anya and dominique. leaving plus size v. awkward. lauren is too awkward, whitney is too fake. tyra sticks with what she knows though and whitney stays. tune in next week when something happens and someone goes home!

unfortunate handicapped signage

not too long ago cooler than stupid favorite, the fail blog, posted these two not so helpful handicapped signs.
which led me on a trek across the internet to bring back to you, this cornucopia of misguided handicapped signage.

this is for people who use flying wheelchairs.
from beaker's brain.

for people in wheelchairs who intend to park their cars, but not get out.
from about.com phoenix

hmmm. i wonder how many times someone pulled up to this gas station in a wheelchair asking for a fill up to warrant it's own sign?
from neatorama

xgames - extreme downhill wheelchair
from brenternet


this has to be some sort of anachronism
from bock's car

and last but not least.....

as if sailing down a steep slope in a wheelchair weren't scary enough.......
from the null device

i maded a lolcat!

Sara Q. Edison

inventions have been flying into this old noggin recently with such frequency, I decided that i would share a few here so we can all work together to put out these great products. but if any of yous try to steal and take credit, i'll gut you like a fish. with a knife that i probably invented.

#1 - cylinder keys. This came to me when i first started dealing with my ceiling hole issue (i haven't been neglecting you guys of updates, the hole is still completely there. the leak has been fixed though, so at least it doesn't cry every day). i was frustrated that my super wouldn't work after hours or on weekends, but nervous about leaving my apartment unlocked for him to be able to come in. a round of thinking eventually led me to think it would be much more effective if everyone had little electronic cylinders (similar to these cremation keepsake keychains) that could be programmed to work with every lock you need. that way, you only carry one around. and you can control who has access to your lock...so say you need a friend to feed your hamster while you're off sailing the high seas...you allow their cylinder access to your lock and it's easy peasy! no worrying about copying keys and getting them to said friend. no more wanting to just put money and your phone in your pocket so you don't have to carry a bag, but then realize you do have to carry a bag to lug around your 10 pound keychain. i'm telling you, it's genius.

#2 - syncable digital wall calendar. i don't have a pda or any other sort of electronic planner and honestly i think it would be useless if i did have one. i've tried so hard to keep all my calendars all together and up to date. i've tried using my phone calendar, my ipod calendar, ical, my entourage calendar at work, and i just can't remember to keep them all updated. you know which calendar that is always completely up to date with all my past, present, and future activities? my wall calendar. any time i get work, make plans, go to the gym, or need to add a birthday, i just go up and write it in. so this is what i propose - a digital wall calendar that i can write everything in. this calendar works as the master calendar and has bluetooth capabilities so i can just sync it up with my phone, ipod, computer, etc, manually (or set it to automatically update, whatevs) without having to remind myself to keep all my calendars up to date. i'm telling you, it's genius.

3# - Museoke. Karaoke, but instead of drunkenly singing the lyrics to the karaoke backing track, you hear the lyrics and you have to mimic the sounds of the music. this would work better if i could give an auditory example, but basically if i picked the song "devil went down to georgia" (which i do, often), then instead of telling the tale of johnny v the devil through talkified talky country-rappin singey-singin', i would sing the part of the fiddle, as well as any other instruments. get into it, it's genius!

BOOKS! Check 'em out!

Here is a link brought to you by a CtS brother with a bunch of youtube videos of different commercials that used rap as their method of getting the message across. I didn't watch them all, but the ones i saw were both hilarious and memory-filled. I totally remember (and rapped along to) the california raisins saying "Books! Check 'em ooutt". Also, you have probably not been my friend long enough if i have never broken into the following rap in front of you anytime an occasion calls for impromptu rapping:

My name is Sara and I'm here to say
i like fruity pebbles in a major way


Sooo, apparently the rap commercial method worked on this noggin, because those sweet rhymes are locked in the memory vault forever.

SRC: ANTM - Po' Paulie's Follies

Previously: Claire fell from the top. 7 bitches remain. I'll tell you right now two people that need to go: Stacey Ann and Fatima.

Dominique gets excited for the overseas trip she knows is coming. She notes that she's excited for this because she can't wait to see what their grocery list will be like. Fatima is nervous because she lost her travel documents (she's not a US Citizen). She is worried she'll get kicked out of the competition because she can't go overseas.

Paulina shows up at the abode to talk about showcasing yourself. She plays a game with the girls where she's the owner of a cosmetics company throwing a party and each girl has to impress her. She will play the role of Mrs. Dubois...Allison Dubois?? Paulina is actually pretty funny. I'm warming up to her. I'm creating a backstory for her where she runs her own improv group in her free time. They are called Po' Paulie's Follies. She also practices interviewing the girls.

The bitches decide to make potato pancakes and Lauren cuts her thumb off. What? Nail? Thumbnail? Oh that's different.

Fats talks to ANTM's producers and they tell her that the consulate feels this is too last minute. (for real, couldn't she have started this process when she, you know, lost her travel documents in the first place?) Fatima says she hopes things will work out for her because now "it don't look so good". I'll tell you what else don't look so good -- Fatima. Seriously, this shouldn't matter. She's not that good.

The girls are invited to some 7up guy's party. Katarzyna rightly deduces that they'll have to incorporate Paulina's lessons in this challenge. Whitney again brings up the added challenge of being plus size. She says she's working her ass off. slow down, whit, you don't want to go the way of Sarah, the last plus size girl that was gonna finally win it for the fatties.

I must say, Anya is a different girl than i originally thought she was. dominique gets the designer's name wrong. there are such random people at this party. This judging is edited hilariously. they show the judges praise anya, then trash dominique, lauren, and stacey ann. gee, i wonder who is gonna win. (anya, for those who weren't with me there.) uh, why does anya keep winning challenges where she has to pose naked? anya's totally gonna win this cycle. she also, awesomely, gets paid $10,000 for her day's work.

back at the house, more overseas woes. fats hopes for a miracle. i swear to god if fatima survives this week and this is the week they go international, and tyra makes some big show about how her father's a senator and she pulled strings to get fats her docs, i will be very annoyed. or, even better, if they don't even go overseas at all, i will laugh and laugh.

tyra mail - something about packing bags and then too much screaming. i bet this is a trick. it dawns on fats that if they're leaving now, she doesn't have her docs (had you forgotten?). haha, it is a trick. the bags are props for their shoot. they stayed up all night packing and now have to do a shoot on zero sleep. hah. the shoot is a group photo and they will rotate so they all have a featured position. then all their best shots will be composited into one supershot. fats frets that she can't be at the shoot and at her 9am consulate meeting.

fats gets her documents four hours later and wastes time jumping for joy. get back to your group shoot! 2 hours later (they have to be off the tarmac at 3pm), at 3pm, fatima returns. the shoot is over. wah wah. Surprise! guess why they had to be off the tarmac at 3? because that's when they head into a hangar straight into a surprise panel for an elimination. tyra wonders where fatima is. wuh oh. fatima comes in late and must've shit her pants walking into this. tyra scolds fatima, but then makes it worthwhile for everyone's troubles by announcing that after panel, they will get on a plane and go abroad. Mr. jay is this week's guest judge. katarzyna does well, lauren does really well, dominique's is cute, tyra references one of my girl joanie's past shoots (yeah joanie!), stacey ann is meh, whitney produces a good pic, but gets some personality criticism and Anya steals the show. lauren wins covergirl of the week.

anya is called first, followed by lauren, dominique, katarzyna and whitney. this leaves stacey ann and fatima in the bottom two. my wish came true! fatima has no photo to judge and stacey ann sucks. they decide fatima's body of work is better than stacey ann's, so stacey ann gets the boot. at least fatima's troubles weren't all for naught. bye stacey ann!

oh yeah, and there's this thing where tyra flaunts that her and the judges fly first class and in a private jet, but the models fly commercial. okay, but WHERE ARE THEY GOING?!?!??!

Rome! awesome. i wanna go.

Props to MimiCoco

I just first want to say that i'm shuddering and seizing in order to bring you this post. seriously, i'm spazzing out the whole time i'm writing this -- you'll see why in a second, but i just wanted to let everyone know what i go through in order to bring you these golden nuggets every day.

So i'm flipping through my shiny google reader and I click to Best Week Ever, and there is a post written by michelle collins entitled LATE BREAKING THOUGHT: Lobsters are Terrifying. Go ahead and read it and come back because we all need to be on the same page.

So, as many of you know, I don't eat seafood. but when it comes to shellfish, the kind i'm most tempted to try because of everyone's urgings of how delicious it is (specifically lobster and shrimp), there is actually one more thing that is holding me back, and michelle collins wrote a post about it. like, thank god i can now be open about it. I don't ever want to be in a room where a lobster has been let loose. Shrimp, to me, are just the cockroaches of the sea. *shudder*. ugh. i can't...okay, i'm going to power through this. like, go back to that best week ever post i linked up there and look at how that gigantic alien shelled creature is about to EAT HER SOUL.

oh my geez...okay. so, reading that post prompted me to write this post. and how better could i drive the point home, than to also share here something i came across on icanhascheezburger? problem was, i couldn't remember what these creatures were called and at the time, couldn't remember where i'd seen these things. so i tried googling 'creepy shellfish'. what i was looking for did not come up in this search, but this hideous monstrosity did. please note that i am posting the links here and not the actual pictures because i can not handle having to look at these pictures every time i come to this blog...which is a lot.

after passing out at the sight of that poster of my nightmares, i got up and remembered that i had seen the picture of what i was looking for fairly recently on cheezburger, so i'd just search from about page five until i found them (page 16)... hell's cockroaches. please, do not ever put me in a room with one of those. please.

A Jazzy Joint Post

Whilst brainstorming ways I can avoid getting on crutches for my latest injury, Becca suggested that I get myself a Jazzy, if just for the comedic image of a young, healthy-looking person riding around on a jazzy. (She also suggested that I attempt to get out of the Jazzy when people are giving me dirty looks, but then fall to the ground as though my legs don't work.) I thought this was a rather good suggestion (for all the aforementioned reasons) and I started researching my Jazzy options. That's when i came across this double-wide bad boy, which I fondly call the Jazzy Deluxe (or the Jazzy Royale):




650 LBS!!!!! As Becca so eloquently put it, it "gives the gift of mobility to people who are completely immobile. Because they ate themselves into oblivion."

Irrational Fears

i have a lot of irrational fears and complexes -- like how i think that people don't remember who i am (i think i've actually discovered the root to this one) or how you can just say the word ghost to me and i'll walk around my apartment with all my lights on going 'I know you're theeeere, don't talk to meeee', but one that i think takes the cake is the feeling that i will perish in a freak accident. i'm always fascinated by these whenever i read about them -- a rollercoaster accident, a unique decapitation. I feel like, because i am so enthralled by these, it would only make sense that that's how i'll go. this is probably why i survived a mere car accident caused by black ice...too NORMAL!

needless to say, whenever i am near power tools (as much as i love playing with them), i have this fear that i somehow will be afflicted by some weird catastrophe...even if i'm not the one handling the power tools. ESPECIALLY if i'm not the one handling the power tools.

i was heading to work yesterday and there were a couple of burly men using a cylinder saw on the actual sidewalk concrete. First thought that went through my head? "That must be some blade, cutting through that cement..." Second thought? "That blade is going to fly off the saw, boomerang through the air, and slice my neck."

does anyone else have irrational fears??

Business Matters

Does anyone want to go to a Robyn concert with me on May 2?!?! Tickets are only $20! And Robyn rulz!!!!

a little konichiwa bitches:



a little jack u off:




Seriously, though, I'm serious. Who's coming with me?

SRC: ANTM - The Honeymoon is Over

We begin with with Whitney stating her confidence in a plus size model taking the competition. uh oh. kiss of death? plus size week? it seems my initial thought of claire being given the late-blooming bitch edit was correct and they are trying to make us dislike her. maybe to make something at the end of the episode a little easier?

WOAH!! Lauren is crazy! oh my god. she's like an abusive husband to fatima. how come we haven't seen this side of her before?!

go sees are in 2 groups of four. team 1 consists of whitney, claire, stacey ann, and dominique (dra-ma!!) and team 2 has lauren, katarzyna, anya, and fatima. they are told that most models can't afford cabs, so they must walk. no subways?? it's $7.50 for an all day fun pass. aren't go-sees usually when they've gone international? go see stuff happens. it seems like they are cutting it for claire and lauren to be in the bottom this week.

whitney gets all pissed at pamella roland because she doesn't use plus size models, she only uses 2s. (i can't even visualize ever fitting into a size two.) what she doesn't get to see is pamella also hatin' on fats for being way too skinny. (amen)

ugh. shoket! don't you have a magazine to run? sheesh. team 1 wins with stacey ann booking the most jobs (out of three?). here's why i'm not onboard with stacey ann..besides the fact that she's not great....she already won! when she was danielle and she was a thousand times better! the four of them get to do a spread in 17.

the girls meet jay for their photo shoot. he does weird toasted marshmallow performance art with a treadmill. this photoshoot should actually be pretty cool...it's shot from below and is totally a huge plug for the off-broadway show fuerzabruta. which i cannot hate on because the creators of fuerzabruta also did a show called de la guarda that i saw when i was in college and was maybe one of the more awesome things i've seen in my life. there will be no hair and makeup for this shoot. basically the girls are spazzing around in a puddle on a plastic sheet while the camera shoots from under them.

CLAIRE - tries to fall into it and like, whiplashes her head. takes a minute, comes back and doesn't do great.
(Saleisha needs to chill with the curly bob hair)
DOMINIQUE - does really well
LAUREN - has a hard time
ANYA - knocks it out again
KATARZYNA - gets a hottt haircut. cries about it but accepts it pretty quickly. katarzyna has usurped the number one spot in my heart.
WHITNEY - whitney seems to do really well.
STACEY ANN - stacey ann does not.
FATIMA - oh look, it's a stick in a puddle.

dominique takes us to commercial by saying to katarzyna (who doesn't seem to know she's in this conversation) that the person who didn't nail the shoot [we see shots of stacey ann, lauren, and claire...subtle] is going home. foreboding!!

haha. tyra's version of this week's shoot looks like she took it this morning in her shower.

uh, claire might be in trouble for real. stacey ann does ok but could've been better. paulina gives an awkard eastern european-themed backhanded compliment to katarzyna that is met with awkward dead silence until katarzyna, bless her heart, politely thanks her. whitney looks like a fetus. but a fashion fetus. tyra was way impressed with her film. dominique has a good picture, but looks a hot tranny mess in person. nigel later says she looked crazy and i laughed out loud. because she really did. and the shot that clever editor decided to go back to to emphasize nigel's point was genius. i'm laughing out loud again just thinking about it. lauren's got a cool picture, but not necessarily great for this competish. fatima's pic is good. anya has another awesome picture. what do you think about anya accidentally falling into these poses, now nigel? huh? isn't that another way of saying raw talent anyway?

wow -- claire's covergirl of the week reign is over. i'll admit she kind of lost me last week and i'm all about katarzyna now. so is america...she is the new (and only 2nd this cycle) covergirl of the week. nice!

fatima is called first, then anya and katarzyna. everyone else until we're left with claire and lauren. lauren is safe, claire goes home. wow. the quickest fall from the top ever, but we knew it was coming when we were told to start hating her last week. still..i'm a little surprised. ah well, go katarzyna!!

Little Miss Landmine

Thanks to my google reader that i love (pimp pimp pimp), i am more up to date on actual news items than i used to be. One time there was a tornado in Brooklyn and my dad called to see if i had been affected and i was all 'tornado?' I mean, sometimes I watch the news. I usually catch a little in the morning, but if i've got a packed dvr that i'm trying to empty, then the news loses out. that's what the internetz are for anyway, right?

Right.

Go ahead and click on that link and then come on back. I'll wait...

...


Umm, okay, i know that that probably isn't supposed to be funny, but it is. Of course the whole losing a limb/hundreds of deaths by leftover landmines is not funny at all. And it's definitely a good way to boost the self esteem of these unfortunate victims, but like, calling it Miss Landmine? You are just asking me to laugh. and i will answer with a hardy har har.

Sara's Favorite things for April 2nd

3. Fellow sadie lou alum and bestie of wife, Nora Fussner, wrote an awesome article about campus perv, the It's Me Guy. Check it out! My favorite part?

"Eventually, the It’s Me Guy wanted to know what you were wearing. But the thing that makes Sarah Lawrence unique—supported even by its motto, “You are different, so are we”—is its relentlessly anachronistic student body. Far from fearing the It’s Me Guy, most of the girls I knew wanted to hear from him."

because it's so true. we were different. we were weirdos.

2. More sadie lous! geniuses.



1. Akon calls T-Pain

SRC: AI - Top 9 Performances

omg dolly parton is the guest mentor this week!!!!!


eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!!!!!!11@@!@!@#%@#

WHAT THE HELL!??!

So i fear that sara's disease may have spread.

i came home early from work yesterday (because i was feeling a little under the weather) to find THIS!



i mean seriously. WTF!?!

And then i called my Super, but it sounded like the phone was ringing in my ceiling. The super answered, but I soon realized that I could hear him perfectly well since he was indeed stuck in my ceiling.

He told me that he'd been trying to reach the management company, but they weren't answering. So I called the guy downstairs who sometimes helps out the super. The guy from downstairs came into my apt and saw the hole and said something along the lines of...OH!...and then taped a trash bag to the ceiling.

I don't really know what to say other than.....

APRIL FOOLS!

(please note that Sara's hole in the ceiling is indeed real and though funny/strange - it is no April Fools joke)