Thanks to a hot tip from extremely loyal reader littlejeans, we now have a new show to keep summer reality corner running... VH1's The Pick-Up Artist.
So, here we are, with eight "hopeless" boys that are interested in learning how to pick up ladies. guiding them through their journey will be "Master Pick Up Artist" Mystery. (Yes, he was given a real name at birth [Eric] but he actually wants to be called Mystery.) What is no mystery, as we see from old photos, is that he too used to be a major dork. The first time i watched this episode, i missed this intro part where we found out that Mystery was a big nerd and couldn't get the ladies, so he came up with a nerdly system and now roams the world as a great pick up artist. When i caught it later, everything kind of made sense. it was all a big 'of course'.
Meet the boys:
Joe D - a chubs who always gets stuck in 'friend' or 'brother' mode. he has ...an interesting way about him that i can't quite place my finger on yet.
Pradeep - one of those really annoying dudes that are really just very hopeless. here's a quote: "The entire world doesn't need to know i shit my pants and am uncircumsized." no. no we didn't. but we do now don't we? whose fault is that?
Fred - 45 years old. Virgin.
Steven - lovable bespectacled asian dude. goes by the name of spoon.
Scott - nerd through every portion of his being. kind of resembles a nerd weird al.
Joe W - looks like he shouldn't have a problem. he says he can't get girls because they all think he's gay. i'm calling bullshit on this guy. for one- once a girl thinks you're gay and you tell them you aren't, it shouldn't be a problem unless you are actually gay. secondly, i saw this guy as an extra on the season premiere of my fave guilty pleasure "south of nowhere" yesterday and therefore i think he's just trying to make a name for himself.
Brady - has the most hope here. i honestly can't see the problem with this guy.
Alvaro - 23 years old. never had a girlfriend. scared of women.
The guys get a phone call from Mystery and it is clearly just a recording on the other end. he's probably busy picking up loads of girls. My first impressions of Mystery were this - everything about the guy shouldn't add up to what he is. he wears stupid hats all the time, he has the kind of long hair that generally isn't wicked sexy, he wears edgy guy eyeliner, for really goes by the name of Mystery, and takes himself and his 'work' far too seriously. After finding out that he was an ex-nerd (if that's at all possible) it all added up. Regardless, these boys aren't the only ones interested in finding out how this douche gets the ladies. His friends(/wingmen/former students) are called J-Dog and Matador. okay, rule 1, get yourself a silly name. Spoon is way ahead of them. From now on when i go out, I will make people call me La Computadora. All three of them go by the title of Master Pick Up Artists, or PUA's for short. I wonder if that's how they require their names to be written. c/o Matador, mPUA . like an esq, or dds.
At the end of the show, only one of the dudes in training will earn the completely made up and useless title of master pick up artist. and they'll get to travel the world with mystery, j-dog, and matador, giving other dweebs false hope with pickup magic tricks. oh and a check from mystery for $50,000 to keep the lifestyle up. HOW DOES HE EARN MONEY?! scamming nerds i bet.
They all go to a nightclub riddled with hidden cameras. Mystery will unleash these poor souls into the wild while he and his cronies hide in a 'not obvious' truck full of video equipment and critique each of their existing methods. it should be noted that he has a piercing right through his soul patch and his headgear today looks like it once belonged to a character in hellboy. how does this guy get ladies? and again, where does he get income. he must be an escort. it's the only way it makes sense.
We then watch as mystery assesses the boys and frankly, i'm weirded out by this whole thing. they have terms ('two set') -- like this whole thing is just a hobby to be studied and shown off. there are probably so many of these dudes out there and mystery is their man-god. a xerxes of sorts. its like not picking people up for potential dating, or picking people up for a night of sex...it's picking people up just for the sake of showing off that you can.
After the boys crash and burn, mystery and his crew of mpua's show them how its done. and guys, i figured out their secret -- it is to be as obnoxious and self-loving as possible! seriously, maybe this is why i'm always single, but anytime a dude has employed moves on me similar to these guys, i am immediately disinterested. and what seems to be their golden line - 'buy me a drink' - is so pathetic. a guy once pulled that on me and my friends and he got laughed at to his face. so still, we are at the same question, why do these girls eat it up?
mystery tells the boys that since they haven't officially learned anything, no one gets eliminated this week. that's nice. i'm looking forward to actually seeing some of these guys get ladies because they make me sad. i'm also looking forward to the MAKEOVERS!!! (come back soon top model) my current pick for the win is brady, because i really can't see what's wrong with him.