Worst. Gay Man. Ever.

Not to be All Jamie Lynn, All the Time, but I was getting my hair did the other day by my Hawaii Local hairdresser, Awa. Awa is, without doubt, a gay man (though there is a little doubt in my mother's mind because he's expressed interest to her in wanting to go surfing with me and told me that he and i should go "listen to music" together. Between that and Jose, the lab technician who drew my blood whilst asking me to accompany him to a christmas party the following evening, my mom has been on "get my daughter married" overdrive). Anyway, I'm not a big talker when it comes to getting my hair cut, which is why I go to a Japanese salon in New York where they hardly speak English, but when I am with hair people, I worry that they'll think I'm a bore, so I'll throw a few crumbs of convo out before i stop talking...

Awa had just made a pregnancy joke about someone in the chair next to us (or something), so I saw that as the perfect opportunity to bring up america's favorite Afterschool Special, Jamie Lynn Spears. I said, "Did you hear about Britney Spears' little sister?" and he got a confused look on his face and said "no." So I said "that 16 year old got herself knocked up!" Awa responded "Wait. Which one's Britney Spears? The crazy one with two kids?"

WHAAT?!?!? what gay man is unsure of brit brit's identity??!?!?!? my mind was blown. maybe he isn't gay after all...

report from the underground

i'm currently in hiding because i don't want to be questioned by the press in regards to jamie lynn spears' pregnancy, so don't expect too much in terms of reality corner for the next, oh, two and a half weeks. in fact, expect nothing.

is anyone else watching crowned though? god that show is so bad, and i have so much hatred for a couple of those phonies.

FRC: PR - farewell jack

alright i have a trip to pack for, and when it comes to packing, i overstress...so basically i don't have time to rewatch project runway in order to give you a proper recap. so, let's just use this as a "discussion space"

- first of all, i am so far behind on my fafa team that i'm not even gonna try anymore. if a team member of mine is off the show, i'll replace them, but that's about it. i'm really not good at this one.

- number 2. a couple episodes ago, when they brought up jack's hiv--but for literally two seconds as he said something like 'i've had hiv for a thousand years and i feel the best i've ever felt right now'--i had a feeling that we'd be hearing about it again. ESPECIALLY in conjunction with those season preview clips of him crying next to tim gunn addressing the designers. it was just too big of an issue for them to throw out in one line and not elaborate on at all. i was going to bring that up in that episode's recap, but i didn't want to be insensitive. so here we are, two episodes later and jack has something going on with his lip. it escalates quickly enough that he pulls tim aside during the challenge and expresses his concerns. sad train was that jack opted to leave the show to take care of his health (:( !) but the unexpectedly pleasant news here was that chris got to come back. i was actually really happy about this...i felt ricky should've been booted last week so i'm glad he got a second chance.

- unfortunately for chris, he got thrown right in the middle of a challenge and had to scramble to present something. this got him in the bottom three, but we all knew that none of those judges were cold hearted enough to immediately cast him back out.

- the challenge: women who recently lost astounding amounts of weight brought in their old favorite outfits. the designers had to use the old outfits (plus some new materials if they needed) to make completely new outfits flattering the new bods. Kevin, Christian, and Jillian were top three with Christian winning immunity. My whole viewing party thought Kevin should've won that, but we aren't pros or anthing. Elisa, Chris, and Steven were in the bottom three, but Steven was the one who inexplicably turned a great opportunity (old wedding dress) into a nun/schoolmarm's outfit... it was weird and bad and for that the sweet squinty eyed oddball went home.

FRC: Crowned

yo, i just watched that new cw show crowned and it was all sorts of wack. it was like an hour long trek into awkwardville with stops at I Feel Sorry For You Lane and This is So Painful Junction. and once i'd reached the end, when it was just so unbearable, it took an amazing turn into the land of wonderful. they were down to two mother daughter pairs known as the Reigning A's and the Blonde Bombshells, and Shanna Moakler (the tyra of the show) says to them that it's now time for one of the teams to be de-sashed. she then very seriously says "Blonde Bombshells, will you please get the de-sashing scissors." The Blondies are all sad, but go and get the scissors. Then Shanna, that bitch, goes, "now please cut the sashes off the Reigning A's." !!! OH SNAP!!

FRC: ANTM - another top model. yay.

before this episode aired, i downsized my fantasy team to only include saleisha. i didn't want to risk the 15 point loss if my second team member was kicked out second. so basically, i was confident that saleisha would win, because she has confidence. tzone confidence. i also thought that jenah was being pushed to win, so she'd get to the top 2 on the strength of her pictures alone. good thing i didn't bet on that one. spoiler alert.

the top 3 do a commercial and photo shoot for covergirl flavored lipgloss. jaslene comes out and y'all, she really needs to eat a sandwich. fo' real. chantal requires minimal direction and aces her commercial. both jenah and saleisha blow multiple takes -- jenah was able to clean up her act after being threatened with cue cards, saleisha needed to take a moment to cry and required like 20 takes. at this point, i fear for my fantasy team.

panel #1 - most potential/least potential thing. they all say themselves as most of course. saleisha and chantal both say jenah for least, chantal going so far as to say she wouldn't want her little sister looking up to jenah. ouch. jenah says chantal has the least potential because she is the most amateur. the judges think saleisha did alright, but shot her down with some comments from jay. chantal got cheered for her sincerity and photo. tyra felt jenah was making fun of the commercial in her take. ruh roh. jenah goes on a rant about being misunderstood. tyra prods in her way, getting to the bottom of it. she pokes, jenah deflects, she pokes, there's a crack, one more poke and jenah's down for the count. has jenah saved herself here or is this breakdown a little too late? her photo gets rave reviews as usual.

chantal is the first finalist through. i'm seriously concerned for my team here, especially after jenah's breakthrough. jenah takes stunning photos, saleisha went to tyra's tzone camp. saleisha is sobbing! oh hell they all are. saleisha's ass gets saved and she's our second finalist.

god every time ann shoket is on screen, i hate her more. the runway show this time is weird...they seem to have given up attempting to find an audience for these things. the only audience is the judges, but it's still like this huge production. jaslene says how she had to go to the bathroom to cry before her final runway showdown. and by cry, she means throw up. saleisha walks the hell out of this...there's really no contest between the two when it comes to walking. chantal trips a man on stilts with her dress and it's hilarious. and then they keep replaying it. awesome.

final panel. we hear the prizes for the last time this calendar year. miss j's fro is huge. twiggy is secretly clawing at the table, knowing she'll soon be free forever. they go through the side by side photo shoot reminiscing, but they only go through like three. i love chantal's dress. saleisha is pretty much declared runway winner. tyra admits that she didn't think either would make it far but now she sees they both want it. then she talks about how she's gonna crush the girl who loses and you can practically see her drooling for it. there's suspense and there's the plasma screen. i was wrong about the prize thing, we hear them again. the photo is revealed and it's Saleisha! too bad she pissed me off towards the end, i might've cared more. but i got the most points i could've out of this episode and placed 198th overall. i'm a winner too.

Kid Nation Finale

so i just watched the finale of kid nation and it made me so emotional! i felt like i had spent 40 days with these kids and was saying goodbye to my friends forever. sad! did anyone else watch the full season and if so, were you similarly affected?

woe is me

here is a tale explaining how i've ended up here, typing at my computer at you guys, drugged up, naked, and painted pink...

i've been doing some work here and there for this new discovery planet green show called wasted. i'm gonna sum it up quick here (though it took me about three weeks to figure the whole thing out)-- basically we collect a family's trash for a month, this poor girl liz separates it into compost, recyclables, etc, we show the family how much of what they throw away is harmful to the environment and teach them little tips on how to make their waste less harmful to the environment. needless to say, we PA's deal with a lot of garbage on this shoot. like literal garbage.

so yesterday, at some point in the day, my neck starts getting all itchy...i just figure it's a bug bite. as i'm going home, my wrist starts itching in a major way...when i looked at it, it seemed rash-like, so as soon as i got home, i stripped and prepared for the worst. i'm not gonna get into details here, but basically i had an allergic reaction to something all over my body. i flipped out, called my mom, and started covering myself in calamine lotion (thank god for those spider bites in the hamptons two years ago)...i then popped an allegra and an ibuprofen, threw on a huge shirt (it seemed to be worse on the parts of my body that had tight clothing on) and tried to stay still in bed. my mom informed me that some pharmacist she just happened to talk to said it was probably hives. !!! grosss. i believe the last time i had all over hives was when i was a baby...a reaction to penicillin. my best guess was that the moldy food i was dealing with earlier in the day was the culprit.

so like, now i'm at a complete loss. there's nothing i can do but mosey around my house. i went over to a friend's last night because they had gotten better, but when i got home, i had to do the stripping and pinking because apparently i'll never be able to wear clothes again. does anyone know how long i can expect this to last? there are things i need to do in the outside world, and i'm kind of tired of seeing myself naked. and pink. i don't mind the benadryl though...

Becca's knock'em out holiday One Two Punch

Serve this delicious treat at your next holiday party, and i guarantee that your guests won't recover from your soirée for days.


PREP TIME 10 Min

READY IN 10 Min


INGREDIENTS


* 1 1/2 cups rum

* 1/3 cup banana liqueur

* 1 ½ cups lighter fluid

* 1 dash grenadine syrup

* 1 (6 ounce) can frozen orange juice concentrate

* 5 roofies

* 1 (6 ounce) can frozen pineapple juice concentrate

* 1 orange, sliced into rounds

* 1 lime, sliced into rounds

* 1 lemon, sliced into rounds


DIRECTIONS

In a large punch bowl, prepare the orange and pineapple juice and roofies according to package directions. Stir in the rum, banana liqueur, lighter fluid and Grenadine. Float slices of orange, lime and lemon on top.


Chef's Note: ingestion of this punch may cause black-outs, coma, or death.

FRC: PR - i call bullshit

nina garcia hangs with the designers and there are photos of outdated trends that each designer must choose. after every trend is assigned, they are broken into groups of three. the groups are as follows: Team Christian (zoot suit) has Jack (pleather) and Kit (fringe), Team Chris (shoulder pads) consists of Sweet P (baggy sweater) and Steven (dance wear), Team Ricky (neon) is Victorya (underwears as outerwears) and Elisa (cut outs) and Team Jillian (overalls) has kevin (70's flair) and Rami (poodle skirt). for their challenge they must make three looks incorporating their three trends...it's up to them whether they want to make one of each or if they want all three of their items to incorporate all three trends.

bossy victorya says she doesn't want to be the bossy cow, but that's a goal she doesn't achieve. she does not play well with others. she has words with ricky, her captain that she does not treat as such. jillian is similarly dissapointed in kevin, but he pulls through in the final moments. this week's gues judge is donna karan and wooff! has she always been a fuggo? jillian's team has some interesting stuff (i liked rami's slightly milkmaidish poodle dress), chris's team was meh, christian's team had some good items, and team ricky was byfar the worst. jillian's team is immediately named the winning team and all three are safe next week. christian's team is also in. chris's collection lacks cohesion, ricky's looks poorly made...in both situations, the captain's design was the worst of the three.

sweet p, elisa, steve, and victorya are all in. it's down to ricky and chris. ricky has been subpar (for a few weeks now) and was a poor leader, chris failed as a leader and his look was outdated. even though this was chris' first real misstep though, the judges must be hypnotized by ricky's hats because ricky is safe. shocker! and said. i would've loved to see more stuff from chris and not ricky since ricky always makes the same thing. boo.

FRC: ANTM - the four "beauties"

The lasses return to their suite and are greeted by Heathermail! Bianca cannot believe the same girl she bullied like a first grade crush wrote it. LOVERS. but then she says that heather's absence didn't make a difference because of her antisocial tendencies. or maybe, biyanka, it made all the difference in the world. they are en route to beijing and jenah makes the mistake of saying to a bus full of bitches that are her competition that she can't even picture going home, she can't envision it -- she came here to win. see ya in the bottom two toofy!

the girls are taken to miss j and twiggy where they learn the Tale of Four Beauties (what is this, Legends of the Hidden Temple?[watch that whole video. it's hilarious.]) they each get a Beauty dress and have an hour and $200 to shop at the mall and modernize the outfit. bianca tricks Idiot Jenah into thinking that there's "a lot of good stuff" "across the street". Idiot.

twiggy says all her lines to the girls like she's hosting a telethon. stupid ann shoket is back and there's this weird insert take of her saying something stupid. saleisha is so smug and it's really starting to annoy me. jenah shows a little bit of life here by winning the challenge. she shares her prize of custom made couture dresses with chantal (this girl has gotten a lot of prizes for someone who doesn't win challenges) and b is totally salty about it. in addition, jenah wins one on one time runway tips with miss j.

back at the hotel, it seems like saleisha doesn't have problems sharing a bed anymore. jenahs says she's homesick and just wants to get this over with so she can go home. kiss of death, right? strike three? wrong!

the girls go to the great wall for their photo shoot. hehe, jay is wearing tight pants and said "erect". tyra is the photographer. enough with the ni haos! sheesh! chantal gets raves all around. jenah showed her nerves. good ol biyanka took a while to get into it but delivered some good shots. tyra jizzes all over herself about saleisha. jay says its her best shoot to date. at the end, they must do a group shot and must stand out.

ann nose-ket is the guest judge at panel this week. tyra is such a bitch. she says something to jenah that she knows will make her cry, and when jenah does start crying, tyra goes "tell me what's going on?" in her best sincere voice. ugh. chantal's pic is awesome, saleisha's is cool, if you disregard the fact that she's shaped like a swastika. oh my god, heather is still covergrirl of the week! ha!

the judges decide chantal sticks out the most in the group photo and she gets called first. she's also the only girl that gets the group shot for her portfolio. saleisha's called second. no surpries so far. bianca has come so far, but has so far to go. jenah has basically thrown in the towel. and- serious shocker for real (like, really?) -- jenah is safe and bianca goes home. whaaa?!?!

so, guys, i don't know. the top three isn't doing it for me this year. like, i understand why they've all made it up there...but saleisha rapidly loses points with me each week (i do think she might win), i've never been big on chantal, though i'm liking her a little better recently, and jenah is just like...i mean she takes beautiful pictures and a little makeup and a brush does wonders for her, but she's got kind of a stanky personality, and she doesn't want to be there. what the ef?

Holiday gift buying guide part 1

I'm sure that many of you are just like me..unemployed, bored, living in a basement apartment in astoria, and short on funds but tall on the giving spirit! so in honor of the 21 days of christmas i give to you - becca's 21 christmas gift for $1 and under.

1. An E-card - nothing says you care like an E-card

2. A broken computer that you found in the trash - this was once a very expensive item



3. Go through your gift recipients mail...you are bound to find some of those free address labels that you get this time of year from organizations who hope you'll donate money to them. give those address labels to them as a gift from you. BONUS: it's personalized!

4. One of those weird dvds from the $1 rack at wal-mart

5. A 99cent bag of doritos (or 4 25cent bags)

6. A single song from itunes

7. A facebook gift -once it is give n it shows up on the person's facebook profile and everyone gets to see how generous you are.

8. Homemade coupons to play your nintendo Wii/use your computer/hang out with your dog/watch your tv etc.

9. A gift bag (from the dollar store) with nothing in it – say that it contains the tiniest gift in the world.

10. The dice from one of your board games – your monopoly game is just gathering dust anyway.

11. Call a radio station and give a shoutout to your loved one and then dedicate a song to them - fyi - make sure that the radio is on and tuned to the radio station of choice

12. Give them a list of all your favorite youtube videos and the links to them – hours of viewing enjoyment

13. That toothbrush you bought a couple years ago, but never used....except to brush your dogs teeth that one time.

14. Your broken hair straightening iron – (bonus if you still have the original box it came in) they won't realize it's broken until you are long gone.

15. Your favorite stuffed animal from childhood – cry when you give it to them and they'll probably give it back.

16. A key to your apartment or your car - it looks like you mean business, yet costs next to nothing

17. your library card – millions of books right at their fingertips - but tell them if they rack up any fines it's their problem

18. this

19. this

20. A metro card with $1.00 on it – it's ½ way to an entire subway ride of wonder!


21. A pigeon - it sounds better if you call it a gray dove

FRC: PR - egads, it's menswear!

this week's challenge involves tiki barber (ex football player, current today show something), as identified by the only straight male, kevin. they must design a three piece menswear outfit for tiki to wear on the today show. there's a little bit of a controversy with jack using his shorts as a pattern and sharing with others, but i say, anything that gets jack to take off his bottoms is fine with me. everyone's way excited for the hot male models, but not excited about the difficulty of the project nor with their respective executions. many are not ready for their models and ricky even puts his to work sewing buttons. i think carmen, sweet p, and ricky might be in trouble here.

kit, jack, and kevin are top 3, and as suspected, carmen, sweet p and ricky are the bottom. nina garcia looks like she's gonna vomit everywhere when considering the bottom 3 designs. jack wins immunity and it comes down to carmen and ricky. unfortunately for my project runway points, carmen gets auf'd.

Crazy Roundup

Here's a list of crazy things that have happened recently, four of which happened yesterday...

1) I saw a woman walking down the sidewalk wearing a blue baggy work shirt, a con ed helmet and carrying a yellow wet floor/watch your step sign. All of this seemed pretty convincing attire for a worker...what gave me pause was what she was clutching in her left hand - a corona bucket used to carry her umbrella (it was a sunny day). still, though, it appeared as though she was a normal and not a crazy...until she came to a full stop and started michael jackson dancing.

2) I was walking to pick up a rental van for work when i noticed a large group of unkempt babbling folks in front of me. it was too late before i realized that it was a mass of homeless people all waiting for something, and i was already amongst them, traveling through the nucleus in order to get to the rental place. i suddenly felt very uneasy, as though i could be shanked for my egg and cheese at any second. homeless people to me are like stray cats...one at a time, they make me sad, but in large groups i just want to back away slowly.

3) Driving out in long island, i passed a white SUV on the opposite side of the northern parkway with its whole front completely aflame. i don't think i'd ever seen anything like that that wasn't cgi'd.

4) my co-worker and i were sitting in a van behind some building at some studio down at the brooklyn navy yards and we were waiting for a security guard to come and help us locate a storage container. we were shooting the shit when we suddenly heard a male voice shout something to us. we both looked to the left and saw a car with its headlights blinking, but could see no man. he said something else and the lights blinked again at the same time. it happened once more and i was really starting to think that we had just met kitt. then the security guard appeared.

5) on the subways here in nyc, each car has two pairs of what i like to call 'lovebird seats' on either side. lovebird seats are located against the end of the car and another railing or wall that's right next to the door. they are really just two seats with no room for improvising. for the majority of my trip, i was sitting in one next to a skinny lady, so we both had ample room. three stops before where i was to depart, my riding partner got off. i was reading a magazine (as i do) and listening to my ipod (same) so i really don't pay attention to what's going on around me, but i felt somebody sit down in her place and i could tell it was a large man. at first, i could just feel the weight of him sitting and my personal space wasn't violated, so i just assumed that it was a big boned man...but then the fat started seeping into my space and i was slowly pushed against the wall of the subway car, possibly even going in a diagonal fashion. i quickly glanced to my side to see if jabba had come to exact revenge and a little bald headed face (attached to jabba's body in a coat made with the most fabric i've seen for one garment) turned to me and sweetly said "sorry!". my heart broke a little and i diagonally said 'it's ok!' and continued reading. when my stop came, i struggled to look around him to make sure it was where i needed to be, then wriggled out of my seat and headed for the doors. he grimaced at me with his jack-o-lantern teeth, in what i can only assume was meant to be a smile and he apologized once more. again, my heart broke and again, i brushed it off saying 'it's ok!'. he then very enthusiastically said 'have a nice day!' and i returned the sentiment.