a thanksgiving tale

when i was just a wee lass, one of the first songs i learned how to play on the piano was called 'sweet betsy from pike'. i played that song so many times in my youth, that every now and again the song will get in my head and i'll have to sing aloud the sweet tune of sweet betsy. the part that i remember goes like this:

did you ever hear tell of sweet betsy from pike
who crossed the wide prairies with her lover ike
with three yoke of oxen a big yaller dog
a tall shanghai rooster and one spotted hog

hoodledang falldeedido hoodledang falldeeday

so i was just sitting here singing meself this tune, and i thought "hoodledang falldeedido" that's a pretty funny phrase. i want to google it. so i did, with no results. then i googled "sweet betsy from pike" and found a page with all the verses. the first verse is slightly different from how i know it, but please read the full wondrous tale of sweet betsy below:

Sweet Betsy From Pike

Did you ever hear tell of sweet Betsy from Pike
Who crossed the wide prairies with her lover Ike,
With two yoke of cattle and one spotted hog,
A tall shanghai rooster, and old yaller dog?

Sing too rali oorali oorali ay
Sing too rali oorali oorali ay

One evening quite early they camped on the Platte,
'Twas near by the road on a green shady flat;
Where Betsy, quit tired, lay down to repose,
While with wonder Ike gazed on his Pike County rose.

Out on the prairie on bright starry night
They broke the whiskey and Betsy got tight
She sang and she shouted and danced o'er the plain,
And showed her bare arse to the whole wagon train.

The injuns came down in a wild yelling horde,
And Betsy was scared they would scalp her adored;
Behind the front wagon wheel Betsy did crawl,
And there she fought the injuns with musket and ball.

They soon reached the desert, where Betsy gave out,
And down in the sand she lay rollin' about.
While Ike in great wonder looked on in surprise,
Sayin' "Betsy, get up! You'll get sand in your eyes."

They stopped at Salt Lake to inquire the way,
And Brigham declared that sweet Betsy should stay.
But Betsy got frightened and ran like a deer
While Brigham stood pawin' the earth like a steer.

The alkali desert was burning and bare,
And Isaac's soul shrank from the death that lurked there:
"Dear old Pike County, I'll go back to you."
Says Betsy, "You'll go by yourself if you do."

Long Ike and sweet Betsy attended a dance
And Ike wore a pair of his Pike County pants.
Sweet Betsy was dolled up in ribbons and rings,
Said Ike "You're an angel, but where are your wings?"

A miner said "Betsy, will you dance with me?"
"I will, you old hoss, if you don't make too free;
But don't dance me hard. Do you want to know why?
Daggone you, I'm chock full of strong alkali."

They swam the wide rivers and crossed the tall peaks,
And camped on the prairie for weeks upon weeks,
Starvation and cholera and hard work and slaughter,
They reached California spite hell and high water.


Long Ike and sweet Betsy got married, of course
But Ike, getting jealous, obtained a divorce.
Sweet Betsy, quite satisfied, said with a shout
"Goodbye, you big lummox, I'm glad you backed out."
------


what an epic tale with a happy ending! happy thanksgiving one and all!

xoxo

worst svu opener ever

i just watched the most ridiculous svu cold open there ever was. there are four shows on my list of a billion shows that i watch that i decided to let pile up so i can just marathon them later on. law and order svu is one of those shows, and i just started an episode from about four weeks ago. this is how it went:

a man and a woman are walking near the water. the woman is holding a swan shaped sack o' leftovers. the man mentions that the view is beautiful. the woman irrationally gets all up in his biz about how he thought the hostess was beautiful and the waitress, etc. then he retaliates by basically calling her a drunk because her mouth wouldn't stay off the mimosas. keep in mind this, as is the norm with law and order cold opens, is terribly acted. so then, the guy interrupts himself from insulting his girlfriend to be all 'let's not fight on a day like this.' the girl is all 'day like who now?', then the guy GETS DOWN ON ONE KNEE TO PROPOSE. like, oh, perfect timing there sir. your girlfriend just accused you of having a severe wandering eye, you retaliated by calling her a lush, and then decided to propose. and so he's all down on one knee after asking, and she's all open mouth with a far stare...he waits literally half a second before going 'i said, will you marry me.' like yeah, guy, even if this were remotely realistic, you would have the sense to know that a question like that could be a stunner, so give the girl some room. but then...THEN, the girl slowly raises her arm, to point what she was staring at. pan over the guy's shoulder to a woman floating in the river.

CHUNG CHUNG

an unwanted chicken burrito

here is the tale of how i ended up with a burrito different from the one i asked for...i will write out the conversation as it happened, and in parentheses i will write out how we misheard each other:

Me: can i have a vegetarian burrito? (Can i have an original burrito?)
Burrito Man: What kind of meat? (What kind of beans?)
Me: Pinto. (Pollo.)
BM: Okay, everything on it? (Ok, everything on it?)
Me: Yes, please. (Yes, please.)

the best part of this is that i saw him reach into the chicken and there was plenty of time for me to stop him and correct the order...but you know me, i like to ruffle as few feathers as possible. it's not that the chicken burrito is bad, it's pretty tasty...but i wanted the guacamole and the sour cream. argh! actually, the reason i didn't say anything is because i thought the burrito would come with that stuff anyway, but its only included on the vegetarian burrito. damn my luck.

learn the lesson

so, for the past...i would say about three and a half months, i've been developing a bad habit. remember back in august, when i got way into the olympics? and because of that, i got behind on my dvr'd stuff? well, then i went home for a couple weeks, and fell further behind. because of the shifts i was working at the cookie shoppe, i remained behind on that. (plus i haven't watched any of my netflix in three months.) anyhoodle, then i started getting a lot of work with my primary occupation, and i've been working several days in a row (i've had three days off in the last 27), so i remain, and am falling further behind. because of this, i'm really doing my best to catch up. i even cut out one of my favorite things.

so back to the bad habit. usually, i have a hard time going to bed before 2 am. so, when i get home from whatever job i've been at, i go through my google reader, prepare my meal, and then sit in front of the tv with the goal to try and catch up on the dvr until at least 2 am. sometimes, i talk myself into trying to go til 3. but seriously, almost every time, somewhere between 11 and 2 (and the other night at 9 o'clock!), i just get hit with a wall of tired. the program i'm watching goes to commercial, and instead of ff'ing through the ads, i say to myself, "self, just close your eyes through the commercial break." without a doubt, whenever i do this, i end up waking up no less than TWO HOURS LATER. the dvr has already played and replayed the program i was trying to watch. i always wake up confused and sweaty. then i get up and stumble to my bed, wondering if i ever actually finished what i was just watching.

my question here is why can't i just learn the lesson? every time i do this i know i'm going to fall asleep. i know it's pointless to say i'm just closing my eyes for the commercial because i will wake up disoriented shortly thereafter. and i bet you anything..it's 12:30 right now-- i'm going to convince myself that not only can i watch the full saturday night live, but also at least one, maybe one and half programs after that. and i effing guarantee you that i will most likely pass out within the first half hour of saturday night live. why can't i learn my lesson?

last night i passed out probably at about 1:45 trying to watch some program it was taking me a couple hours to get through. i woke up at 6 am on the couch. ugh! i could have had such an awesome sleep if i just picked myself up at the first commercial break i thought i could nap to, and taken myself to my lovely bed.

do you guys have any tips for me? i'll keep you updated on my status.

FRC: ANTM - there are 11 top models, y'all

previously: everyone kinda sucked, but the least suckiest (i guess) are samantha, mckey, and analeigh. will it be mckey - the weirdo ren faire boxer who has yet to be in the bottom? or analeigh, one figure skating half of this year's lesbian power couple? or samantha -- nah, it probably won't be samantha.

the girls are given their lines for the covergirl commercial. they are nervous because it contains some dutch. i wish it contained double dutch and a dutchie. they pretend to get excited about walmart. whitney shows up talking about lip gloss - as she does.

sam is first and not her usual perky self. mckey freaks out but pulls it together. analeigh freezes, crashes and burns. yuh oh. i do have a hard time believing that analeigh, the best actress of the group, would freeze up in this situation, but whatevs. they do their photos. it's boring as usual.

panel. don't get me started on the guest dutch's last name. sam gets a mediocre review, analeigh does not get good marks. um, so tyra picks on analeigh's lips in the shot and analeigh said if she closed them, the photographer said that it was too sexy. but instead of just pointing out analeigh's penchant for pursing her lips when they're closed, tyra does the "this is sexy lips, this is not sexy lips" thing. hilariously, after the sexy lips demonstration, analeigh emphatically agreed that it was, indeed, very sexy. mckey clearly does the best here.

whitney's last my life as a covergirl is like a target commercial. first called is mckey. obvs. analeigh is a modeling butterface, samantha is both too commercial and not commercial enough. oh tyra, what a twisted web you weave. holy cow...samantha is called. damn. i'm truly shocked. samantha and mckey. what an...interesting top 2.

sam and mckey do their seventeen shoot. samantha says "17! it's so me! i was 17 like three months ago!!" excuse me while i go stab myself.

whitney starts the runway show. mckey goes out and is better than i expected, but i guess i don't know what to expect since they barely practice runway anymore. holland's top model is also here. i wonder if this was part of her prize. sam is next to make her way around the pink hilly winding runway. honestly, neither of them are blowing me away.

final panel. you should see what tyra is wearing. and if you have --- i know, right?! ugh, i can't deal with her. they go over the walks and the photos. they break it down to this: they're both tall, beautiful, sweet tomboys...so...either way...

and after calling them out for being nervous, Tyra announces that america's next top model is.......................mckey. well, duh. she lifts tyra in celebration. tyra then dismisses sam so the bitches can partay!! mckey also lifts paulina, and then tyra one more time. tyra runs out of there before she can admit she liked it too much.

FRC: The Pickup Artist Episode 4

Rian returns from elimination - hugzzz. Rian's sort of crying and Brian has intestinal distress. He farts in the bathtub....even though there's nobody on the toilet. I can appreciate the sentiment that he didn't wan the people outside to smell his fart though.

Ugh. The awkward, yet ultimately entertaining "how far have you gotten with a woman" discussion. They zone in on Brian since he has so little experience, and he tells the story of a woman who's boob he grabbed. Now this was the first thing that Brian said that ever made me angry with him. "She sort of looked like Shamu", please, if you really respect women - don't ever say a woman looks like a whale. It's offensive to her, and pretty much everyone. End of my lecture.

They play a goofy deedleedum type tune while Rian describes his past experiences with women....

Enter professional sexologist Erin & her sidekick Whitney.

this is what Dr. Ruth looked like at 30.

The guys have to make out with a mannequin. This won't be awkward at all! Awe Simeon - i feel for the guy. he tries to put his hand in the mannequin's hair and the hair falls off. That wig was ill advised - bad prop department! bad!

Who wouldn't want to make out with these eyes?

The demonstrations of the erogenous zones by the sexologist on her assistant?! Hm, all of a sudden i get the feeling this woman is not a real doctor.

All the guys are sitting in exactly the same position after class.

Reward challenge- use the touching techniques on Erin in a dark room filled with pillows. Ok, this proves it - she is most definitely NOT a doctor. Winner gets Mystery in his ear!

Oh man - Simeon is not wearing his shirt, yikes....and he slobbers all over Erin. Todd - not creepy like Simeon, but sadly not aggressive enough. Matt does Ok. Greg does Ok too. Brian was kind of ridiculous. Rian completes the challenge in his own awkward way.
And...Matt wins the challenge and gets the mystery in his ear.

Kino escalation lesson...bla bla bla. Wow, Brian - TMI buddy - made out with a stack of ham. There's something very Hannibal Lecter about that.

Their elimination challenge is to kiss a woman in the club using Kino escalation. In all honesty, this is a lot to ask of these guys so early in the game.

Simeon starts talking to some Pennsylvania girls, I've heard about you....hahahhaha. Wait, what have you heard?! I'm from PA and there is very little interesting about me. (Except for this blog)

Mystery is making fun of Simeon's sad attempt at kino.... i think it's kind of working on Matador though.
Awe. Todd - poor guy, got shot down. Todd's note to self: don't try to hit on girls by whipping out a tiny meerkat.

Matt - oh FUCK that caper opener. NO NO NO hate it, but since he has the earbud it works. Oh wow, a woman pulls out a pair of underwear from her purse and shows them to him, but he ultimately gets a number an leaves without a kiss.

Greg uses a weather opener, while the coaches in the van argue that nobody gave him that, he bores the shit out of his new lady friends and they walk off.

Rian attempts to wipe an invisible piece of dust off the girls shoulder, which is weird, but somehow works to gets a group back to his table. Then comes the awkward back rub, but that seemed to work too because the girl went off and danced with him. He got the closest to a kiss, but he sort of ambushed the girl with a sneak attack kiss on the cheek.

another awesome caption
Brian - got shot down because he was way too overzealous.

Elimination Ceremony!
The medallions = ken (sp) which means enlightenment.

Lecture from Mystery - to paraphrase - "bla bla bla you guys are all way behind. You have only been doing this a few weeks and haven't mastered the completely awkward test of getting a kiss from a complete stranger".

Though he made it out unscathed because he's entertaining to watch, it seemed like Brian sort of deserved to be in the bottom 2 this week.

It's down to Todd and Greg - bye Todd. I really liked him and was sad to see him go. Sometimes as a viewer I can't help but resent Greg because it really seems like he is only getting by on his good looks. Poor Todd, he did pretty well the past couple weeks, but got the boot for his poor performance in the field. I blame it all on the toy meerkat.

Awe - he's crying, but in a very likable way. Bye buddy. The good news is, you can finally take that painful looking industrial piercing out of your ear.

FRC: The Pickup Artist - Episode 3

I'm sure we all remember that a few posts back, Sara made the startling decision to stop posting about The Pickup Artist because there is just not enough time.....and then we all had a nice cathartic cry. I however, am currently between jobs and have had plenty of time to watch TV - most notably, The Pickup Artist....so she has passed the torch along to me. I don't do many posts about TV, so it might not be quite right - but this is a learning process, a very public learning process. So bear with me.

Let's start with Episode 3!

Carl makes it through elimination because Kevin cursed too much. I curse a lot too, so if i were a contestant - this is probably where i would have been eliminated as well.

On to the biofeedback test - where the guys get hooked up to stress monitors and have to control themselves while a hot woman undresses in front of them. First thing I personally noticed about the woman.... why isn't this "external stimulus" wearing shoes? Only socks? It feels like they forgot a part of her costume.

Nothing exudes calm like this face:

Right ladies? Apparently watching "Nurse Samantha" makes Simeon look vaguely like a psychotic version of Kramer from Seinfeld.

Greg won, but I thought Todd should have. He was absolutely adorable throughout that entire challenge.

Hey look who's back? Well if it isn't Kosmo - hugs and inspirational quotes all around.

Then they learn pickup artist body language! Talking over the shoulder = only partially available = ladykiller!

Hey, check it out - mystery without a hat or sunglasses again! Now on to the elimination challenge - Greg gets to watch all the other guys attempts at picking up chicks because he won the biofeedback challenge. Brian is first - he talks to a group of women in his own goofy way.

Tara: She's offering him a condom, that's an I.O.I. if i ever saw one!
Matador: It's a bachelorette party.....(in his mind: duh, YOU IDIOT! Sigh - I miss my British friend from season 1)

Back to Brian.

Brian: "I would take you home, dip you in chocolate and throw tomato slices at you".
Girl: hahahaha, what the?!?!

Rian tries to pull away only 1 girl for some alone time instead of the whole group of girls and freaks her out. Todd does a great job and even gets a phone number. Matt is still wearing the boa - and making stupid comments about it. Seriously dude, just ditch the boa....it's doing you more harm than good. Simeon - like Brian, goes for the bachelorette party and tries to spin exactly the same girl, but gets shot down. Carl - ugh, the caper opening..it's so lame. Greg's turn! whoever writes the captions is awesome:


Oh caption person, you are so right - he TOTALLY has nervous nostrils! He's learned from watching the other guys mistakes from the van - and got a couple ladies to sit in the VIP section with him....and gets a phone #.

how did i not notice mystery's female renaissance fair outfit before?


Matt knows he hasn't done very well. For some reason, in all of his talking heads it seems like he's giving a lecture. His tone of voice gets old fast. Oh hey, big surprise...Rian's crying again!

Elimination - this week's medallion is Legu (no idea how to spell it) - which is a symbol for cleansing. Greg chooses to make Matt & Brian immune to elimination. This is good news for Matt, since they were going to give him the boot this week after his shoddy performance for the past couple challenges. mystery wants to know his strategy and greg gives some bullshit answer about how he sees strength in both of these guys - Todd totally called it earlier when he said that Greg was just choosing the weaker guys so that his competition can be put up on the chopping block. Mystery says that he was going to send Matt home this week, but since he's immune - he's staying. Which means, someone who doesn't quite deserve it has to go home.

It's down to Carl and Rian - in all honestly, the thing that destroys Carl in the end is that terrible caper opener. Man they need to take this out of their repetiore of pickup lines. Hey, i think Rian's crying again! Tara looks vaguely like Vanessa Williams on Ugly Betty here.


And Carl gets eliminated, this poor guy never got a break. He was up for elimination at all 3 elimination ceremonies at his time on the show, but he did seem to make some improvement. hey, remember when you got your hair highlighted? that was fun..now get the fuck out.


To quote Mystery - it was a kickass run brother. Kisses!

random question

do you think whack-a-mole and guacamole have anything to do with each other?

FRC: Top Model - it was time for her to go

Previously: Elina control-freaked her way right out of the competition.

marjorie is all wah-wah. sam is all 'hooray!! today top four, tomorrow the world!' ugh, doesn't analeigh ever tire of coddling marjorie? i'm fucking tired of watching her.

paulina teaches the girls to wordlessly sell stuff. they take turns smelling fish. all of them, not just analeigh and marjorie.

this is paulina's episode! sweet! the girls meet her again to audition for a 30 second commercial. every time paulina is on screen , they give her a chyron with her name on it and the title "legendary supermodel". i don't know why i find this so funny. the girls must wordlessly portray a variety of emotions with costar (hotchacha) mark vanderloo. they finally figured out the best model commercials are the ones with no talking. so they start running on a treadmill, casting flirty glances and such, and then have to awkwardly exit the treadmill and plant a kiss on the guy. winner gets a $10,000 shopping spree.

after analeigh's kiss with mark, she says that his lips were quite soft and voluptuous, like marjorie's. i may have added part of that. marjorie runs like she's playing hopscotch on a miniature board. but it works for the judges and marjorie wins. she opts to evenly share her prize with analeigh. they're gonna share a closet soon anyway.

the hottie boat drivers from the go-sees are invited over. marjorie demands they bring wine. we finally discover how marjorie has gotten through life up to this point. turns out marjorie will be the only lady drinking this evening. she gets wasted with the boys and makes out with one of them (on a dare). analeigh totally forreal averted her eyes (her jealous, jealous eyes). marjorie gets in the tub (fully clothed) with one of the guys (wearing his skivvies). analeigh gets blind with jealousy overprotective and makes sure this is what marjorie wants to do. marjorie's answer? "i don't know." another hot dude is like "this is not your problem, american" and she's like "it IS (because marjorie only bathes with ME)."

ugh, marjorie seals the deal for me with this line, said in an after the fact interview: "Even though i was the only girl drinking, it meant everyone else could take care of me. HA!" oh nuh uh.

photoshoot: windmills (real ones, not aswirl twins), extreme hair and makeup. mckey is such a beautiful weirdo. hey, you ever notice in jay's OTF interviews how his eyes are always brighter than the rest of his face? do you think special light on his eyes or makeup?

mckey does well, marjorie looks lost, sam has a cool picture and analeigh is floating and wins the week. shut up shoket. ps, ann shoket is the guest judge.

analeigh is called first, followed by mckey. this leaves sam and marjorie. marjorie can't find a happy nervous drunk medium. samantha doesn't get the whole in-person model thing. and samantha is headed to the finals. but this will be down to analeigh and mckey, right? bye marjorie! smell you later, oui? btw, analeigh DIES about it.

International Ambi Princess of Pool and Polar Bears

That is my new title, by the way...I will soon have business cards printed up.

i was at one of my many jobs today, and a fellow came up and placed his order. he was helped by my coworker so i focused my attention on the next pair of customers. i hear him say "are you italian?" and assume he must be talking to me. so i look over at him, confirm that he is, in fact, talking to me, and tell him my ethnicity. then i go back to my customers. all of a sudden, i hear him say "¿como se llamas?" (do you like what i did there with the upside down question mark?)

ok listen, i am not a big fan of people assuming that because i am of hispanic heritage that i speak spanish. i did not grow up speaking the language, it was not spoken in my household, and i get really pissed when people get mad at me for not being fluent and chastise me for not knowing the language of my people. i took some years in high school and college, but i was born in this country, as were my parents, so there's no reason that just because i'm brown, you can talk to me in spanish. this would be like me automatically assuming that my white friends speak polish or russian or whatever. i make an exception if another latino person approaches me speaking it because usually they are just looking for someone to help them in their own language and they ALWAYS ask first if i speak it. this guy...this joker...i may not have mentioned it but he was white as snow. i answered him, told him my name, and went back to my customers. he interjected again, and now i'm getting pissed because i'm clearly with someone else. in spanish, he asked me if my family was mexican. what the fuck do you think? oh, no, they are all french, but i came out mexican! so i answer him IN ENGLISH that i was born in texas, as were both my parents, and we are all mexican.

but like, that's fucked up, right? i mean, a white dude came up to me, started a conversation in english, which i can clearly handle, and then started speaking his white boy spanish to me when he found out my background?? was he trying to impress me? am i going overboard here?

falling question

isn't it funny how when people fall going up the stairs, they usually run up the rest of the way after recovering?? do you think it's because they are trying to flee the scene in shame or because they want to prove that they can make it up the stairs?

FRC: it pains me to say this

but i think i have to give up on my pick up artist recaps for this season. i know not a lot of you watch this show, but it did kind of pick up my spirits to see the non-regular readers those recaps brought in (as well as the anonymous commenting). i'm super behind on all my tv watching, and since i write out all my recaps before typing them up (no laptop), they take me a little longer to do. also, when tomorrow's episode airs, i will be about three episodes behind. the world has passed me by and it's too late for me to catch up. so reality corner is just going to be top model, until my day off average is better than one for every ten. i'm sure this hurts me more than it hurts you.

miscellaneous princess

a friend of mine has taken to calling me "miscellaneous princess" because of my ability to pass for a multitude of ethnicities. many people think i'm hawaiian because that's where i hail from, i get all sorts of different hispanic queries, was once asked by an indian lady if i was indian, and someone once thought my brother and i were asian (i don't get that one). surprisingly, several people have also thought i was a whitey. this is just a preface to a question i'll ask after the following story.

i stopped by my local rite aid tonight. i don't normally go there, usually i hit up the walgreens...it's further from my apartment, but it's on the way home from the subway, so i usually just stop in there when i need supplies. tonight, however, i had passed it when i realized i needed something, and it was raining and shitty, and the rite aid was just a block away, so i made one of my rare visits in. i was at the counter, my cashier was a young lady in her 20's, who had this awesome accent i wish i could describe accurately or at least could do a good impression of. She had the low register of one of those chain smoking gamblers at the slot machines, and some indescribable accent on top of that...part thug, part some ethnicity, part something else....aaand i'm pretty sure she was hitting on me. she kept giving me elevator eyes and telling me if the thing i was purchasing didn't work out to bring it back to her with the receipt and she'll give me a better one. as she gave me my change she was all 'you're so cute' and i responded as i do when anyone is hitting on me --- nervous laughter. she then said 'what are you, arabic? no...not arabic' i told her mexican and she goes (i REALLY wish i had an audio file of her saying this) "ooohhh, you a messican?! really? (elevator eyes)." she then said 'bella bella!!' i turned to her coworker, nervously laughed some more, and then made a quick exit.

the point of this story is to pose this question: should i start standardly answering "miscellaneous princess" whenever my ethnicity is questioned?

i am beatnik food

my buddy oscar alerted me to the fact that when you google image search “beatnik food”, a picture of me comes up. now apart from initially thinking this was some sort of practical joke/internet virus being passed along to me - when i realized he was for real - i thought it was pretty fucking awesome and proceeded to laugh to myself for about 10 minutes.

bonus note: the image after mine in the google search is one of my friend cheryl.

sadly though, i feel like a bit of a fraud - since i am neither a beatnik nor food, but hey i will ride this wave while it lasts. cheryl and i are the milli vanilli of beatnik food.

why the polar bears have nowhere to stand

i worked on a shoot in long island yesterday and one of my jobs for the day (aside from playing with some pretty cute dogs for a couple hours) was driving one of the shuttles. we wrapped up and left the location at about 4:15, and thus were doomed to be thrust into the thick of L.I.E. traffic. However, I opted to jump in the HOV lane (ps i finally just googled that to find out what it stands for...I never knew. i used to tell myself it meant "heavy overweight vehicle" but that didn't really make sense. it actually means "high occupancy vehicle") since i was carting a passenger. we breezed through probably about a half hours worth of bumper to bumper traffic-- the HOV lane was surprisingly free flowing. I looked at the hundreds of cars slowly crawling along in the regular lanes and asked my passenger why none of them were opting to jump in the carpool lane. "They can't all be passengerless, right?" I asked her, assuming that of course they weren't all passengerless. well, to the surprise of both of us, she announced that yes, in fact, all those cars only had one occupant--the driver. don't they realize they could be saving time, money, and the effing planet if they carpooled or just took the train?! seriously...hundreds of cars....clogging up the roads. i just can't believe it!!

off topic, here's something else that blew my mind tonight. i was with some dear friends of mine getting some after work drinks. eventually, we moseyed on over to the pool table, broke into two couples, and started a rousing pool battle. at one point, when my turn came up, the best shot i could take was only possible if i switched my hands. i said aloud "man, i guess i'll have to shoot this one lefty" to which my friends responded "Uh, what are you talking about? You've been shooting lefty this whole time." "Whaaaa?!?!?!" I say. That can't be right. Sure enough, as my other three friends (all right handed) took their turns, i saw that they held the cue opposite the way i've been doing it my whole life. throughout the rest of the game i kept interrupting my shot to be incredulous about not knowing I was shooting lefty this whole time. they tried to logically explain it to me...you want your right hand controlling the thrust (hehehe..thrust), but it felt as weird to me as trying to ride a skateboard normal footed. So i'm goofy footed and a lefty pool player. i'm all sorts of ambi-, aren't i?

special comment

FRC: ANTM - "go and sees"

Previously: Boats and whores, plus sheena went home. we've got four weirdos and a sam left.

samantha celebrates making top five and suprise! Marjorie's nervous. she throws a hissy fit asking how the girls can be so comfortable after panel and i'm all ...because it's not before panel? and they all have a couple more days? i mean, right? how can they stand her?

go sees! hee hee all these dutch people speaking english makes me giggle. the girls have five designers to try and see in four hours. they each get cute lil boats. these girls all get lost and keep trying to ask for help in english. but those emotionless europeans aren't helping a lick. oh diss! one of the designers says elina isn't a model, but rather just playing one. four of the girls have all made two designers and marjorie's been lost the whole time. so after wasting one hour and fifteen minutes walking in circles, she gives up and moves on to the next designer. elina gets dissed by a second designer for having too many tattoos. elina says tattoos are the only way she can keep getting angelina jolie comparisons. oh wait, no she said they are the only way she knows how to express herself. does she have a shrink? because i mean...you know? all but mckey make it back in time. she is dq'd, which sucks because she made it to four of five designers and booked all four, and therefore would've won the challenge. samantha was too comemercial, elina is too tattooed, marjorie is crazy, and therefore analeigh default wins. i'm glad they called marjorie out on her too heavy reliance on the hunchback. analeigh gets an outfit from each of the designers as a prize.

does mckey have an accent? or is she just trying to be european? analeigh has to pep talk marjorie with sweet words and lesbian baths.

...i think i should've included samantha in the weirdo count...

ugh..tyra makes an entrance with a poorly acted skit and a "HEELLLLLL NOO!!" tyra will photograph the girls glammy and cleany. marjorie freaks out. shut up! we get it.

and now, a choice tyra line from each shoot--
Sam: "Give me boy. Give me Oliver Twist."
Marjorie: "Ready? Un deux trois." **ps, marjorie has one pose. gah! pps, tyra demanded that marjorie cut her hair, because it felt like fur.
Analeigh: "Analeigh, I don't think she's a washed faced girl."
Elina: "Exaggerate it, just really work it but make the face pretty."
McKey: "Work that eye."

elina reads tyrapost and at the end, they adorable all go "love, tyra" in high voices.

panel--
i think tyra's dress has a (penis) on it! guess what?! this week's shoot was inspired by a shoot tyra did once. can you believe it?

samantha does really well. analeigh is better with heavy makeup. marjorie is a ball of nerves. mckey also excels. elina is the oldest 18 year old ever.

samantha is called first. mckey follows, and then analeigh. this leaves marjorie and elina. i think it's pretty obvious what both their flaws are. alas, this is elina's third trip to the bottom and only marjorie's first, so elina is sent packing.

wtf cali?

i have to not be funny here so it can be very clear how very mad i am about california passing prop. 8. i know that two other states passed something similar (i'm looking at you arizona. i'd look at florida too, but they get a pass for going back to blue), and i know that i can direct a lot of my anger at arkansas for passing their ballot measure banning gay couples from adopting children, but honestly, i expected it from those states, so california gets my anger. after that awesome day earlier in the year, when thousands of couples learned they'd be given a basic right, and there was general glee all around, this was not even something that i considered had the possibility of passing. that is how blown away i am.

i am so frustrated that this country can take a huge step forward and back at the exact same time. same sex lovin' is nothing new. it's been around as long as people have been around. you guys know i've gotten incensed about this before, but that had to do with people (poorly) acting on their personal prejudices. this is different. this is official.

i'm frustrated that two people who love each other can't get married. i'm frustrated that a union between two members of the same sex is called 'gay marriage' instead of just 'marriage'. i'm frustrated at the people that say that allowing marriage between two people of the same sex ruins the sanctity of marriage. i come from three broken homes...there is nothing sacred about that. don't tell me marriage between a man and a woman is sacred and dismiss the love between two men or two women. i just can't believe that this is actually still an issue. i can't wrap my head around it. we don't choose who we love. we are all just people. don't tell me "what next? marrying goats?!?!" because that's a dumb argument. don't tell me it goes against your religion because that means you are just forcing your religion on others and that is not what this country is about. and don't fucking tell me that this group of tax-paying citizens is banned from the one thing everyone should be able to take for granted. i don't want to hear this "marriage is between a man and a woman." according to who? you want to take it to the bible? because that is all kinds of effed up, especially in a country like this.

it breaks my heart that so many people were given this right--and gladly exercised it in the last few months--all to see it just taken away. and it breaks my heart to think about how long this might last.

omfg

FRC: PUA - Kosmic Body Language

Alright guys, I'll try this one more time. I'm still a week behind, but i'm committed to this.

Karl returns to the group after eliminations. They are all shocked Kevin went home. There are geek hugs all around. Honestly, I don't know any of these guys' names. I'll learn 'em. Sorry I've been slacking this season, but last season is pretty hard to top. Both in that the ridiculousness of this show is more shocking/hilarious the first time around, and also that i feel like i was more on my game last year.

Mystery meets the nerds at a health center. He explains basic biology and how the body reacts in certain situations. some fake doctor tells the guys he will teach them how to use mindpower to keep their vitals low whence presented with an "external stimulus". The prize is a free visit to mystery's rape surveillance van to spy on the other guys during their field test, and to pick up a few pointers. The doctor doesn't so much as teach the boys how to control their vitals, but rather throws them in the fire and hopes for the best. Matt is first. He gets tied to electrodes with no expections. Needless to say, a scantily clad woman comes slinking out...wearing like a porno nurse outfit. after writhing around in front of the boys, she takes off her nurse dress and is all 'and here's m'boobs!'. I hate this show.

brian with the fro asks if he will be watching any videos. awkward. i hate this brian guy. and all the nerds (obvs including mystery) kind of love him. he is their nerd king. their dungeon master, if you will. ryan is up next and tara comments that he looks like he's sleeping. she adds "you can't pick anyone up while sleeping." to which mystery replies "I wish!" Really, Mystery? Do you really wish you could pick up chicks in your sleep? what would that accomplish? Ugh, how does this guy get laid all the time? i mean i know how, but WHY does it work?! Karl's next, followed by Greg. Greg is a little hottie. that anonymous commenter from last week's post just might be onto something. Todd needs to convince me that he's not gay. he's not doing a great job so far. simeon closes up the challenge. what's really gross about this, besides all of it, is that there is clearly a shot that was done solely for the camera (and is being edited to look like it's from the nerds' perspectives). Like, "Nurse Samantha*" (* not a real nurse) writhed and stripped eight or so times for the boys, and then an additional time where she's just talking to and stripping for the camera, for extra gratuitous naked lady footage. the winner of the challenge is hottie greg.

the boys get a lesson in body language. Kosmo! he's back! he's all growed up now. these guys all worship him. he is their true dungeon master. Actually, mystery is. kosmo, with his reality education and one year of experience, teaches the guys about body language. you know why? because winning gave him confidence. which is ALL these guys need. they don't need tricks or gambits or openers. matador looks super butch. i mean, like, a butch girl. i think i went to college with her.

woah! mystery's hair is down. eeehhh...i'd rethink that. field test -- they guys must open a set and convince them to go to the VIP section -- some guys do well, some don't, Simeon is still creepy. All the while, Greg is in the van watching Mystery & his wings basically deride the geeks' failures for not being assholey enough.

hold up. what. the fuck. is mystery wearing?! with his flowing locks down, he chose to pair black pants and a long sleeve shirt with a maroon fucking tunic over it. he looks ridiculous. obvs, greg wins the field test.

medallion time. Tonight is Legu (?) Greg is safe. as his wingman, he chooses matt and brian. dungeon master brian, what did i say? todd and simeon are also safe. this leaves ryan and karl. they both kind of suck, but karl sucks worst, so it's game over for him.

mystery's departing words to Karl?
"It was a kick ass run brother."

I need to figure out how to phonetically spell vomming noises. it would actually come in pretty handy these days, considering the tapes i've been logging for nickelodeon.