Tuesday, September 09, 2008

gon fishin'

a few orders of business here...first of all, i arrived on my home island a few hours ago. what does this mean for you, do you ask? well, it means that i will get to flaunt a tan when and if i see you in a couple weeks. it also means that, even though i will be starting up with the top model recaps, i'm probably going to have to sit out the first three eps. do you care?

secondly, my mumsy presented me with two sheets of paper that she found whilst cleaning her office. apparently, i was jonesin to type on a typewriter, so i created these two masterpieces. while i don't remember composing these particular pieces, i do remember that it was probably around age 18 or 19, and i can confirm that i have a hard time resisting the allure of a typewriter. so, as a peace offering for my likely absence over the next ten days, i leave you with both pieces in their entirety. i will try to reproduce them exactly as they appeared when written, but some typos only typewriters can produce.

Why I Hate Aunt Flo
A novel by Sara Martinez

"Aunt Flo as she is called by the kids, is a very uncomfortable part of the month for most female members of the human population. She brings with her pain, discomfort, mood swings, and always leaves a mess. Aunt Flo always outstays her welcome, usually staying long past any amount of time that she was invited for...which she usually isn't. The few times that women are happy or excited to see Aunt Flo are the times when they had unprotected sexual activities and are fearing that they might be pregnant. Then-and only then- is Aunt Flo welcomed into the house of femininity with open arms.

NOt only does Aunt Flo cause cause pain and discomfort, but she can often cause a big mess. If a woman is expecting her Aunt Flo lightly, she may be surprised when she findsthathAunt Flo has gawned a little weight. Fortunatlly, different companies make different size mattress pads to suit the weight of Aunt Flo, however heavy or light she may be.

The n One of the things that I hate most about Aunt Flo is that she always prevents me from doing anything fun. Whenever she comes for a visit, I always h ave to tend to her, andonly her, needs. I cantt swim or ride horses or do much physical exercise, especially if she is particularly heavy during that pariicuaar visit.p It is unfortunate that this poor Aunt is so reviled amongst the female population, but, h like many relatives, she has to be put up with for the amount of time she is visiting. At least she only visits once a month and not just once a week.


*This novel was inspired by thefilm Wonder Boys. I really wanted to type on a typewriter and the pain of Aunt Flo is preventing me from going swimming tonih tonight. I alway also like the sound that a typewriter makes when you are typing on it. I hope you enjoyed this novel. Be aware of any upcoming chapters. The next wone is tentatively titles WHY I HATE HEATHEER AND HER SILLY SILLY WAYS, and the one after that will most likely be entitled THE CUTEST THING WAS WHEN JOEY REALIZED THAT A BABY KANGAROO IS CALLED A JOEY.

WHY I HATE HEATHER a second novel by Sara Martinez

Today, Heather was as big a brat as ever. After reading a book, she refused to do anymore work. So I took away her recess privileges...and that's when the teacher had to step in. The teacher still had trouble and called the parents, and I was angry angry angry. Oh Heather, you little tormenter, you. Why must i live with you four hours a day for 6yweeks of my life.

Chapter 2 to come soon.


Becca said...

awe - it's like a look into the twisted mind of your sara.

who the hell was heather and why did you hate her so much?

Becca said...

that was supposed to say YOUNG SARA

Sara said...

heather was a little hellion in one of the summer school classes i was a teacher's aide in. man i didn't like that girl.

Anonymous said...

Dear Sara,

It seems to me that you might have been a little harsh on your Aunt Flow.

My first question would be, is she an Aunt on your mother's side or your father's side? It doesn't change anything, but I was just curious.

Secondly, while a monthly visit from any of my relatives would put me in a fowl mood, seeing red would be a good way to describe it, maybe she's lonely. Her monthly visits may be the only thing she has to look forward to. And while having a houseguest stay past their welcome can be annoying, I like to see it as a chance to get to know them a little better.

Thirdly, I agree with you on the messy part. If one visits, one must clean up after themselves.

Fourfley, have you ever considered your aunt's weight problem could be the result of an eating disorder?

Fifth, based on your joy at seeing her in those instances that you may be pregnant, I'm going to assume your aunt performs abortions for a living.

Finally, why weren't you able to ride horses or do anything fun when your aunt was visiting? Did you have your period or something?