stoopid birds

my mother lives on the fifteenth floor of an apartment building with a lanai (hawaiian for balcony). we used to have two cats (we have just one now :\) that hated each other and who also had different ailments requiring different food for each. because of this, my mom put one of the cats' food bowls on the lanai, and the other in the kitchen. while this was semi-effective in keeping the cats apart, it would often attract mooching birds looking for a free meal and a drink of water. before both of our cats were ill, they were great at chasing the birds away. a couple of times, my mom even came home to a living room full of feathers. once, our cats were kind enough to kill the bird and leave the carcass in the middle of the room like a trophy. however, as the cats got older and sicker, the birds would feel more comfortable taking advantage. they would work in teams -- one bird would distract the cats while another would swoop in, land on the edge of the food bowl, and start his meal. sneaky bastards. after our second cat died earlier in the year, his bowl was removed from the balcony. the birds did not get the message and they still come around looking for a snack. since there is no bowl for them to eat out of, they just march right on into the apartment looking for food. my mother has perfected her war cry to scare them off, but because there is no threat to them from our remaining feline, they still feel free to waltz right in when no one's home. today, they took it too far.

we got home from our day full of adventures, and i noticed a mark on the rug. i assumed it was a little vomit pile from our sick little mandy, but when i got closer i saw that it was actually the shit of a bird. a stupid fucking bird moseyed on in to our humble abode, saw that there was no food for him, and shat right in the middle of the floor. SO RUDE.

gon fishin'

a few orders of business here...first of all, i arrived on my home island a few hours ago. what does this mean for you, do you ask? well, it means that i will get to flaunt a tan when and if i see you in a couple weeks. it also means that, even though i will be starting up with the top model recaps, i'm probably going to have to sit out the first three eps. do you care?

secondly, my mumsy presented me with two sheets of paper that she found whilst cleaning her office. apparently, i was jonesin to type on a typewriter, so i created these two masterpieces. while i don't remember composing these particular pieces, i do remember that it was probably around age 18 or 19, and i can confirm that i have a hard time resisting the allure of a typewriter. so, as a peace offering for my likely absence over the next ten days, i leave you with both pieces in their entirety. i will try to reproduce them exactly as they appeared when written, but some typos only typewriters can produce.

Why I Hate Aunt Flo
A novel by Sara Martinez

"Aunt Flo as she is called by the kids, is a very uncomfortable part of the month for most female members of the human population. She brings with her pain, discomfort, mood swings, and always leaves a mess. Aunt Flo always outstays her welcome, usually staying long past any amount of time that she was invited for...which she usually isn't. The few times that women are happy or excited to see Aunt Flo are the times when they had unprotected sexual activities and are fearing that they might be pregnant. Then-and only then- is Aunt Flo welcomed into the house of femininity with open arms.

NOt only does Aunt Flo cause cause pain and discomfort, but she can often cause a big mess. If a woman is expecting her Aunt Flo lightly, she may be surprised when she findsthathAunt Flo has gawned a little weight. Fortunatlly, different companies make different size mattress pads to suit the weight of Aunt Flo, however heavy or light she may be.

The n One of the things that I hate most about Aunt Flo is that she always prevents me from doing anything fun. Whenever she comes for a visit, I always h ave to tend to her, andonly her, needs. I cantt swim or ride horses or do much physical exercise, especially if she is particularly heavy during that pariicuaar visit.p It is unfortunate that this poor Aunt is so reviled amongst the female population, but, h like many relatives, she has to be put up with for the amount of time she is visiting. At least she only visits once a month and not just once a week.

THEEND

*This novel was inspired by thefilm Wonder Boys. I really wanted to type on a typewriter and the pain of Aunt Flo is preventing me from going swimming tonih tonight. I alway also like the sound that a typewriter makes when you are typing on it. I hope you enjoyed this novel. Be aware of any upcoming chapters. The next wone is tentatively titles WHY I HATE HEATHEER AND HER SILLY SILLY WAYS, and the one after that will most likely be entitled THE CUTEST THING WAS WHEN JOEY REALIZED THAT A BABY KANGAROO IS CALLED A JOEY.


WHY I HATE HEATHER a second novel by Sara Martinez

Today, Heather was as big a brat as ever. After reading a book, she refused to do anymore work. So I took away her recess privileges...and that's when the teacher had to step in. The teacher still had trouble and called the parents, and I was angry angry angry. Oh Heather, you little tormenter, you. Why must i live with you four hours a day for 6yweeks of my life.

Chapter 2 to come soon.

camp erdman

there are a lot of locations used on Lost that i have ties to because, well, they shoot on my home island. a scene that had jin in korea was actually the valley of the temples, a place my mom, brother, and i stop at yearly on our 'round the island drives. but i just recently found out that all the Camp Locke scenes are shot at Camp Erdman, aka the place where my 6th grade class went for a week to learn archery, take hikes, sing around the campfire, and other camply stuff. Camp Erdman was also the site for my many band camp trips. yeah, go ahead and make fun. but when my friends caked me on my 15th birthday in the middle of all the cabins, little did i know it would be similar to when those boaties caked camp locke. and by "caked" i mean "opened fire on".


i only mean that for the second caked. my friends didn't open fire on me.

The Hawaii Chair

I just found this gem over at the gilded moose:



and while there are a million things that need to be discussed about the above video...like so many mind-blowing things...what i think takes precedence is this:

how the HELL are you supposed to get anything done if you're using that chair?!!? Like, seriously, how can anyone concentrate?!?! how did those infomercial actors even get their lines out?! what the fucking fuck?!