Tuesday, September 02, 2008

the adventures of alma cambodia

i am about to tell a tale based on true events, with "real people" involved. so i will preface this tale by saying Alma Cambodia's name has been changed. also, the friend of mine who appears in this story will be referred to as "look at the fountain", or "fountain" for short.

so a couple of days ago, i get a friend request from one Alma Cambodia on one of those social networking sites all the kids have these days. I briefly glance at her page and see that she claims to be a Moanalua class of 2000 alum, like myself and Fountain. i also notice that Fountain has already accepted her friend request, so instead of investigating further, i accept that as proof enough that i probably know this girl and approve her request. just for good measure, i send Fountain an im. This begins the IM portion of our evening:

ME: i have a question for you to answer whenever you are around, if that is not now: who the eff is alma cambodia?
FOUNTAIN: i asked [mutual friend] the same question
i have no idea but apparently she knows us and people we know
do you happen to have your yearbook?
ME: no they are all at home.
oh wait
you know i might have senior year, lemme see
god look at all these signatures i'm soooo popular
who are all these people?
somebody named trina signed my yearbook and also said "i know you'll be a great mom someday'. what a thing to say. and who's trina?
ok sorry, what was i doing
she's not in here
i think she's lying when she says she was class of 00
FOUNTAIN: this girl isn't in the yearbook?
maybe she was named something else
ME: i accepted her request and looked at her pictures and she does not look familiar at all to me. i mean, most of these guys that i've forgotten about i'll at least remember their faces
FOUNTAIN: same here, i accepted her request but she doesn't look familiar.
i think you should send her a message asking her who she is
ME: i accept your friendship, but praytell, who the fuck are you
FOUNTAIN: i know seriously
maybe she was one of those group of tranny guys...you know the one that had their own personal pages. see if she's in any of those pictures in the personal pages...
ME: fo sho
hmm it doesn't look like it
though i must say, we had some pretty convincing trannies
aside from one who had a bad wig
FOUNTAIN: yeah we did
ME: man who is this bitch! i need to get to the bottom of this!
FOUNTAIN: i know it's really bothering me
ME: i feel like she's going to keep adding people we know and everyone will be like 'i don't know who this is, but we have the same friends, so i must know her!'
FOUNTAIN: i don't recognize anyone in her pictures, and no one has written on her wall. there has got to be a reason she keeps requesting all us moanalua folk
oh look she's online. send her an IM
ME: i'm not doing it
FOUNTAIN: well neither am i
ME: of course she's online, have you noticed she changes her status every 8 minutes
FOUNTAIN: she's requesting all our friends
ME: maybe she isn't a person but is actually a computer virus, that's taken on a life of her own and is just looking for friends because the internet gets lonely
FOUNTAIN: and apparently chosen moanalua alum to stalk
ME: she must've read our awesome wikipedia page
we should open up a private eye office
FOUNTAIN: but we would need to come up with a clever name
ME: oh i think we could definitely come up with a clever name
private ojos
FOUNTAIN: there's something fishy about this alma character
and i would have remembered a name like alma
ME: there is something way fishy about this alma character
the only things named alma are cows
we need to get to the bottom of this
FOUNTAIN: alright...maybe i need to look deeper into this profile
i wonder if this girl has a myspace...i'm gonna check
ME: good idea, i'm going to google her
FOUNTAIN: see...ojos privados...or whatever
ME: and in our tv show (we'll have one), before each case, we'll put our hands in the middle and go "BIEN!!"
FOUNTAIN: i'm glad i'm not the only weirdo this is bugging
ME: it's really bugging me! usually i'll at least recognize something and be like 'alright i may or may not have talked to you, but at least i recognize you'
i just googled "alma cambodia" moanalua and there were no results
FOUNTAIN: nothing on myspace
ME: i also just googled her full name and there were zero results on google
that's never happened, everyone at least has one thing under their names, even if it isnt' them. she can't be the only alma cambodia that does or does not exist!
FOUNTAIN: damn, her bday isn't posted. curse you alma!!
it says she took her stepdad's name
i wonder if that was early in life or a later decision
FOUNTAIN: maybe she changed it later...so she had a diff last name in hs
ME: also, she reads the bible. loser! jk. jk god
FOUNTAIN: her profile also makes her sound about as smart as a rock
ME: i've met smarter rocks
also, why would she list like all her personal info and then be all "like i'd tell you" about her job? i'll tell you why, she's a stripper
she likes jazz bands, are you sure you don't know her?
FOUNTAIN: ok...just because she "dances" to jazz music doesn't mean she knows how to play it
ME: alma cambodia has no idea what kind of havoc she's wreaking
and probably everyone she's friend requested is doing what we're doing now, and she's clueless picking her toes in hawaii while 14 people are googling her. check google trends tomorrow, she'll be there
FOUNTAIN: you know i have another questions, if she has all these friends, why are none of them her friends on facebook???? tell me that. she wouldn't just join facebook on her own accord. you should have friends on facebook to join it
the plot thickens....
ME: hey, that is a good point you make
FOUNTAIN: ok i'm going to send her a message...help me draft it
ok how bout this:
hey thanks for adding me as a friend but i'm having a little trouble remembering you. did you graduate from moanalua in 2000? who did you hang out with?
it doesn't sound rude does it?
ME: no it doesn't...i think it's very perfect, friendly and curious and not like we're about to crack our first case as a p.i. team
FOUNTAIN: ok message sent...maybe it will only take her 2 minutes to respond
seeing as how she's online.
(a couple minutes pass)
damn she isn't responding. maybe she doesn't exist
ME: haha, she's like "oh fuck.....uh i don't actually know these people...uh...no one was supposed to question me"
FOUNTAIN: we called her bluff
ok i'm falling asleep...i will stop by your coffee shop tomorrow to say hello...and hopefully by then we will have solved this caper...

Ok, so that was the best way for me to demonstrate how this obsession started and blossomed. Fountain did come to my cookie shop the next day, and we were hoping at that point we'd have cracked the case. unfortunately, alma cambodia never returned fountain's message. there is no proof of her ever attending our high school or graduating with us, we have each asked at least three others if they have ever heard of or seen this girl before, and nobody has. does she exist? and if so, why is she pretending to have graduated with us?? we want answers!!!!

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