Alright, y'all. They postponed last week's premiere so we could have two hours here, so let's get down to business. i'm gonna split this in two parts because it's gonna be long. I don't remember anything about these girls except that they are mostly fug.
We start in Vegas with 34 girls "picked by Tyra". Tyra also refuses Vegas its nickname, and instead finger-waggingly calls it "Indulgent City." Ok, Celia, 25 - fug. Some girl whose name I don't remember says she has a hard time remembering names. She too is fug. Two minutes in and we already have our first "This is not America's Next ____ _____", in this case (and usually) it's Best Friend. Now that is a girl who knows her reality shows.
There are J(ay)s, there is screaming, there is one plus size girl. The 34 dress in toga dresses and pose in profile for their first shoot. For real, Celia is hid. Fo is byootiful. After the shoot, Miss Jay has the girls walk on clouds. Aka runway plus fog machine. Is that Jenny Humphrey?
Woah woah woah. Some girl actually says excitedly, "We are so close to standing in front of Tyra...and getting judged!" How can you aspire to that? She's brainwashed a whole generation. Anyway, her holy highness Tyra enters with a Spartan army, and in a weird accent says "I am...." while a lowly soldier fills in the mad libs with "the goddess of fierce." If I were that soldier, I would've risked my career in showbiz by shouting out "HUNGRY!!!!" Fo flips her shit about Tyra existing in front of her, so now I hate her. Tyra reveals her age - 2,752.7 years old. I guess she looks good for that. Guys, Celia is such an uggo.
Oh great, we've got our Issue Girl. (you remember past Issue Girls-- twins, Asperger's, genital mutilation, transexual) This year it's Tahlia. Tahlia wants to prove BURN SURVIVORS can be TOP FASHION MODELS. seriously, anything I say will make me look more asshole-ish, but you know. you get it. i mean, right? she also has no belly button.
aminat. 6'1. maybe awesome...we'll see. she's on my list for now. celia is like the worst parts of kyra sedwick, all of kirsten dunst and some chris farley. fo is short fo' felicia. she's black/mexican. she is so pretty.
aww, McKey gets to start her Life As A Covergirl. I hope they are delightfully weird.
Celia says she's feels like she's the prettiest she's ever been. I'm glad we didn't meet before this. The girls will be cut to 21. I'm not listing everyone, but pretty much those that we've already met make it through. there is crying, there is screaming, there is blubbering. thank god the conspiracy theorist didn't make it. With her low ears and terrible posture and elf face (and not lord of the rings elves either) she was worse than celia. oh yeah, celia made it.
the winning 21 pose with their gold wreaths atop their noodles as different goddesses. fo is seriously so pretty.
GUYS! oh my god. cycle 13 will be 5'7 and under!!! I should totally go for it!
ok, time to narrow it to 13. Our girls this cycle will be back in New York. Aminat is first. Approved. Next is Natalie. meh. then Fo, obvs. Allison (Jenny Humphrey), Tahlia (burn victim), Celia (fuggo), Nijah (?), London (street preacher), Teyona (country tomboy), Kortnie (plus size), Isabella (didn't pay attention to her because I didn't think she'd make it), Jessica (pretty Latina), and lastly, Sandra (African god-dess, in her own words).
the girls celebrate their impending arrival on the upper east side (!).
ok, hour one over. now onto the first real episode. Do you guys need a break? I do.