Previously: Nijah? Who's Nijah?
Toccara shows up possibly drunk. she brings pjs to the girls to have a sleepover and talk about personality. i don't think toccara is too much of a plus anymore. she brings up sandra's winning picture (which has already ballooned sandra's ego) and some of the girls say they think Fo should have gotten best picture.
the girls go to marquee and ugh, benny ninja. sky neller the dj model comes out to assist benny with teaching the girls to pose to music by playing some songs for them on the runway. or as she says, "drop some tracks." london, celia, and aminat did well, while the rest not so much. uh...so the girls go home and allison tells celia that she hated the challenge because she's shy. she was scared to pose in front of benny and she hates being in the spotlight. i mean...does she know what this is?
challenge time. the girls must use the music in order to inform how they model the clothes of the Blonds. I don't know these Blonds, but phillipe is one interesting person. the bitches get blonded up and again allison says she's scared of posing in front of people. again, i say 'whaa?' also again, most of the girls do badly. celia and teyona do well in their heat, but celia takes it. the second heat has natalie and fo doing well, with natalie (of course) taking it. natalie stumbles in the final round and celia takes the challenge, even getting some finger wagging from the queens in the audience.
the girls go into hair and makeup without knowing what they're shooting. tahlia repeats her desire to go home, this time in front of sutan and christian. in honor of the statue of liberty, the girls will get shot ol' timey style with an old fashioned box camera that you have to hold a pose still for an extended period of time. i think they're actually just using a digital camera and pretending with the box camera to make the girls hold their poses. in other unbelievable news, benny will be playing the role of the husband. there is also a united colors of benetton ad playing their children.
the girls discuss their irritation with tahlia's behavior. when she's doing poorly she wants to quit, when she does well she's excited to stay. they might mob up and attack her with torches if someone else who actually wants to be there full time goes home.
teyona does well with the photo shoot. sandra, london, fo, kortnie, and celia all disappointed. allison, aminat, natalie, and tahlia all get good marks, with tahlia seemingly gettng the most praise. i bet the other girls are pissed. i wonder what will happen.
a decision has been reached. tahlia is called first. next is teyona, then allison, natalie, london, aminat, celia and fo. this leaves kortnie and sandra. they're both clueless and neither is going to win, so who goes first? kortnie does. you can hear the disappointment.
but...ah, shit. celia comes through on her word and speaks up to tyra about tahlia's behavior. she throws that bitch under the bus, like fucking hurls her, but you don't mess with tyra's Issue Girl, so Tyra puts celia in her place. awkward. like, soooo awkward.
Monday, March 30, 2009
Friday, March 27, 2009
Fun with Signs
a few days ago, there was a sign in the elevator of the building i was working in. it said:
(*obviously not the real number) later that day when i went out to lunch, someone had written in a few of their own additions, leaving the sign to read:
(*they had also ripped off the last digit of the phone number.) when i was on my way home, i noticed that someone else had scratched out the added in words and wrote the 8 back in at the end of the phone number.
the next day, there was a brand new copy of the same sign. at lunch, the last digit again had been ripped off. when i went home, it was written in again. the next day, the sign was completely gone. i wonder if the person who was posting the sign gave up, or if the person who was vandalizing the sign won. they both seemed stubborn enough to keep that back and forth going for days.
do you think hannah's involved? who's hannah? a new sign the next day by the elevator in the lobby:
i can find four things wrong with that sign. anyone else?
SPACE
AVAILABLE
FOR WEB
DESIGNER
CALL
212-555-4878*
(*obviously not the real number) later that day when i went out to lunch, someone had written in a few of their own additions, leaving the sign to read:
NO SPACE
AVAILABLE
FOR WEB
DESIGNER
DON'T CALL
212-555-487*
(*they had also ripped off the last digit of the phone number.) when i was on my way home, i noticed that someone else had scratched out the added in words and wrote the 8 back in at the end of the phone number.
the next day, there was a brand new copy of the same sign. at lunch, the last digit again had been ripped off. when i went home, it was written in again. the next day, the sign was completely gone. i wonder if the person who was posting the sign gave up, or if the person who was vandalizing the sign won. they both seemed stubborn enough to keep that back and forth going for days.
do you think hannah's involved? who's hannah? a new sign the next day by the elevator in the lobby:
Here for Hannah's tupperware party on the 3rd floor? do the environment a favor and walk up the stairs.
thanks bunches,
"Hannah Banana"
[picture of a wheelbarrow]
i can find four things wrong with that sign. anyone else?
Tuesday, March 24, 2009
SRC: RoLBus - Oh, piss
Previously: Kelsey suddenly was awesome but was then eliminated.
the girls head to panama city. florida. it's time to consolidate, so everyone is herded to the pink bus. both the blondes and the brunettes are offended at this. mindy says goodbye to the brunette's safe haven and the blue bus says bye to mindy. really. it talks and flashes its headlights. big john brings the girls bikinis and they attack him like a pack of lions on a helpless zebra. the girls meet bret at a kiddie pool. he tells them he's giving some army ladies a day off while the girls take care of their kids. we learn that brittanya has a kid. lord help that child. isn't it weird that a total dumbhead slut like brittanya can have a child but perfectly well adjusted gay couples can't in some states. we learn that actually most of these skanks have at least one kid. but what's actually surprising is that ashley is great with kids and seems like she's probably a good mom. the children vote and it's between ashley and taya. bret ultimately makes the final decision and ashley wins the big solo date. her first, which is another surprise.
beverly downs a lot of vodka and then the whole group goes out to a bar. beverly gets kind of passive aggressive with bret. he tells her she has anger issues. bret then wonders if farrah is just there to party and make out with ashley. they head back on the bus where bret is all handsy and mouthsy with everyone and beverly sits furious in a corner. they all go to a beach bonfire, leaving bev on the bus. mindy and taya are disgusted by bret making out with brittanya and ashley at the same time. they go to the bathroom and then the hot tub. topless. beverly eventually joins the party, gets disgusted with bret, yells some shit and leaves again. ashley, brittanya, and farrah run to pee, and thus bret is left alone with jamie. they of course make out. isn't anybody worried about the herp?
mindy and taya shower together and gossip about someone. farrah assumes its her, pulls the shower curtain on them, and then bitches them out. then ashley pours salsa in mindy's suitcase (over the line and so uncalled for). then brittanya joins them in pouring shampoo/mousse/other bathroom products on them. mindy and taya get their own new hotel room for their troubles.
ashley meets up with bret, who says she looks "all kind of awesome." hmm. they go ATVing (RIP leroi moore) through the dunes to a lunch table. he talks about some people being there for the wrong reasons and ashley knows he's totally talking about farrah and is upset about it. look at that, a true friendship.
bret has a couple one on ones whilst at the hotel gym, pretending to lift weights. farrah and beverly both have a chat with him as he tries to suss out their intentions.
eliminations. ashley, of course, gets the first pass because she's totally winning this. jamie is called second for that beach makeout session. mindy is third, followed by brittanya and beverly. this leaves farrah and taya. he is dubious of both of their intentions and commitment to him, wondering if they are just there for the party and the air time, respectively. in the end, he calls farrah down and dumps her ass. sad for ashley.
the girls head to panama city. florida. it's time to consolidate, so everyone is herded to the pink bus. both the blondes and the brunettes are offended at this. mindy says goodbye to the brunette's safe haven and the blue bus says bye to mindy. really. it talks and flashes its headlights. big john brings the girls bikinis and they attack him like a pack of lions on a helpless zebra. the girls meet bret at a kiddie pool. he tells them he's giving some army ladies a day off while the girls take care of their kids. we learn that brittanya has a kid. lord help that child. isn't it weird that a total dumbhead slut like brittanya can have a child but perfectly well adjusted gay couples can't in some states. we learn that actually most of these skanks have at least one kid. but what's actually surprising is that ashley is great with kids and seems like she's probably a good mom. the children vote and it's between ashley and taya. bret ultimately makes the final decision and ashley wins the big solo date. her first, which is another surprise.
beverly downs a lot of vodka and then the whole group goes out to a bar. beverly gets kind of passive aggressive with bret. he tells her she has anger issues. bret then wonders if farrah is just there to party and make out with ashley. they head back on the bus where bret is all handsy and mouthsy with everyone and beverly sits furious in a corner. they all go to a beach bonfire, leaving bev on the bus. mindy and taya are disgusted by bret making out with brittanya and ashley at the same time. they go to the bathroom and then the hot tub. topless. beverly eventually joins the party, gets disgusted with bret, yells some shit and leaves again. ashley, brittanya, and farrah run to pee, and thus bret is left alone with jamie. they of course make out. isn't anybody worried about the herp?
mindy and taya shower together and gossip about someone. farrah assumes its her, pulls the shower curtain on them, and then bitches them out. then ashley pours salsa in mindy's suitcase (over the line and so uncalled for). then brittanya joins them in pouring shampoo/mousse/other bathroom products on them. mindy and taya get their own new hotel room for their troubles.
ashley meets up with bret, who says she looks "all kind of awesome." hmm. they go ATVing (RIP leroi moore) through the dunes to a lunch table. he talks about some people being there for the wrong reasons and ashley knows he's totally talking about farrah and is upset about it. look at that, a true friendship.
bret has a couple one on ones whilst at the hotel gym, pretending to lift weights. farrah and beverly both have a chat with him as he tries to suss out their intentions.
eliminations. ashley, of course, gets the first pass because she's totally winning this. jamie is called second for that beach makeout session. mindy is third, followed by brittanya and beverly. this leaves farrah and taya. he is dubious of both of their intentions and commitment to him, wondering if they are just there for the party and the air time, respectively. in the end, he calls farrah down and dumps her ass. sad for ashley.
Friday, March 20, 2009
WRC: ANTM12 - the pretty curse
previously: jessica thought she was the prettiest girl in all the land, so tyra sent her home. also, makeovers and sweet sweet nigel as photographer.
uh oh. nijah is talking about how she does have a personality and she's not boring or dead inside. i bet this is the week the girl with no personality goes home and i bet that girl is nijah.
natalie the perfect pro offers some runway advice before the girls get real runway lessons from miss jay. ugh. why does everything have to be a skit with these people. ok, y'all listen. tahlia is not that cute. she has an awkward walk and is in that dreaded in between model and plus zone with her size. what this means is that she is just your average girl with no reason to be here. the burns are not a reason to be there. the burns are just the way she got there. bianca (!) and chantal come out. let's hope for some sort of catfight! oh, all they do is show the girls how two models walk past each other, and then they peace. hum. pointless.
teyona gets her hair fixed. it looks better and she's a great sport about the whole thing. team teyona!!!
the girls go to their runway challenge -- a jill stuart fashion show. i guess i'm starting to get celia a little...i mean, the hair works. she's still.....mergh. some do well, some don't. the challenge comes down to natalie and celia and perfect natalie with a modeling past wins. free clothes! ugh, tahlia shut. up. she has said "i'm not myself" like 12 times in the past 5 minutes.
photo shot: famous areas around manhattan. like queens? jersey? staten island? i wish they did a shoot like that. they also must tell a story with their characters. mikey rosenthal is back to shoot them.
aminat and fo are wall street brokers. they look great and seem to do well.
down to soho with nijah and kortnie as artists. nijah falters but kortnie eventually helps her get into character.
celia and sandra are (upper east side i'm guessing) nannies.
london and allison are upper east side snobs. jenny humphrey and chuck bass. london doesn't look like chuck bass at the shoot, but she certainly will at panel. london excels and allison doesn't.
tahlia goes to times square to be a tourist with natalie and teyona. here's another reason to dislike tahlia-- she now hates natalie because, when given a truth or dare question about whose pic besides jessica was the worst last week, natalie told the damn truth and said tahlia. that's not bitchiness tahlia, that's honesty. surprisingly though, tahlia does well this week, even better than perfect natalie.
panel: tyra's short film project continues. knowning her she'll probably put them all together at the end of the season and submit it for a documentary short oscar. then she will lobby to have the oscars renamed the tyras. tyra does her intro and finishes it with this: "Hopefully, this judging is as festive as my colorful shirt!" she is like a child. kortnie and nijah both get bad marks, though nijah gets the worst of it. fo and aminat effin rocked it. that's my team! celia and sandra also get high marks even though they don't really come across as nannies. sandra gets the better comments. the times square group have a fun picture, with natalie called out as the weakest. london and allison could've done better, though london was superior to allison. tyra's reached a "deciszhum".
sandra is called first (!) followed by aminat, tahlia, fo, celia, kortnie, london, teyona, and natalie. this leaves nijah and allison. what did i say at the beginning? allison lacked something special in her photo, nijah has gone downhill from week 1. allison's eyes are too big for tyra to let go just yet, though, and down goes nijah...yet another victim of just another pretty girl syndrome.
uh oh. nijah is talking about how she does have a personality and she's not boring or dead inside. i bet this is the week the girl with no personality goes home and i bet that girl is nijah.
natalie the perfect pro offers some runway advice before the girls get real runway lessons from miss jay. ugh. why does everything have to be a skit with these people. ok, y'all listen. tahlia is not that cute. she has an awkward walk and is in that dreaded in between model and plus zone with her size. what this means is that she is just your average girl with no reason to be here. the burns are not a reason to be there. the burns are just the way she got there. bianca (!) and chantal come out. let's hope for some sort of catfight! oh, all they do is show the girls how two models walk past each other, and then they peace. hum. pointless.
teyona gets her hair fixed. it looks better and she's a great sport about the whole thing. team teyona!!!
the girls go to their runway challenge -- a jill stuart fashion show. i guess i'm starting to get celia a little...i mean, the hair works. she's still.....mergh. some do well, some don't. the challenge comes down to natalie and celia and perfect natalie with a modeling past wins. free clothes! ugh, tahlia shut. up. she has said "i'm not myself" like 12 times in the past 5 minutes.
photo shot: famous areas around manhattan. like queens? jersey? staten island? i wish they did a shoot like that. they also must tell a story with their characters. mikey rosenthal is back to shoot them.
aminat and fo are wall street brokers. they look great and seem to do well.
down to soho with nijah and kortnie as artists. nijah falters but kortnie eventually helps her get into character.
celia and sandra are (upper east side i'm guessing) nannies.
london and allison are upper east side snobs. jenny humphrey and chuck bass. london doesn't look like chuck bass at the shoot, but she certainly will at panel. london excels and allison doesn't.
tahlia goes to times square to be a tourist with natalie and teyona. here's another reason to dislike tahlia-- she now hates natalie because, when given a truth or dare question about whose pic besides jessica was the worst last week, natalie told the damn truth and said tahlia. that's not bitchiness tahlia, that's honesty. surprisingly though, tahlia does well this week, even better than perfect natalie.
panel: tyra's short film project continues. knowning her she'll probably put them all together at the end of the season and submit it for a documentary short oscar. then she will lobby to have the oscars renamed the tyras. tyra does her intro and finishes it with this: "Hopefully, this judging is as festive as my colorful shirt!" she is like a child. kortnie and nijah both get bad marks, though nijah gets the worst of it. fo and aminat effin rocked it. that's my team! celia and sandra also get high marks even though they don't really come across as nannies. sandra gets the better comments. the times square group have a fun picture, with natalie called out as the weakest. london and allison could've done better, though london was superior to allison. tyra's reached a "deciszhum".
sandra is called first (!) followed by aminat, tahlia, fo, celia, kortnie, london, teyona, and natalie. this leaves nijah and allison. what did i say at the beginning? allison lacked something special in her photo, nijah has gone downhill from week 1. allison's eyes are too big for tyra to let go just yet, though, and down goes nijah...yet another victim of just another pretty girl syndrome.
Tuesday, March 17, 2009
Happy St. Patty's Day '09sies!!
In what seems to be turning into a annual irishy tradition (aka i'm making it one), I will link my pinching tale/survey in case any new people want to weigh in:
Pinch me, it can't be true!
so go ahead and read that and then come back, because i've got more.
...
ok. so now that you know about my fear of getting pinched, and my need to wear green on this most drunken of holidays, let me continue. usually i'll just wear something green to get in the spirit, but as i was looking through my (3) options, i was reminded of a fairly new addition to my tshirt army: a green shirt with that carebear with the clover on his belly on it and the word "Lucky" under him. i guess his name is lucky bear. so i immediately reached for that and then immediately recoiled. would that be going too far? getting too into the spirit? after all, i did just start a new job yesterday and there are only five other people in the office i'm working in. is that the kind of impression i wanted to make? i looked at the other two green shirts i have but then just decided "eff it and go all the way." so yeah, i nerded it up this year with a green tshirt with a clover on it. i was self conscious about it, but i did it anyway. when i walked into the office, only one other person was wearing green, and it was a rather classy green dress that faded into white. as a matter of fact, in the union square area (where the office is) i barely saw any green that didn't just happen to be the color of the article of clothing. i mean, i'm sure it was worn for the occasion, but it was more like clothes that were green instead of st. patrick's day clothes. i shrugged it off because honestly, it didn't matter. i wasn't getting pinched and i didn't look like a fool. then, i was sent on a run to the viacom building...which we all know is in times square.
if manhattan were gosford park, then the union square area (just in this example) would be the upstairs, while times square would be like, the less classier servants quarters. i walked out of the subway and it was definitely st. patrick's day there. there were giant green hats and clover glasses/scarves/ties/etc everywhere. people were not just wearing green, but they were wearing the green st. patrick's version of the i <3 ny shirt (i clover ny), jackets that proudly proclaimed "IRISH" and there was even a guy with a green bowler hat and a box of lucky charms around his neck. it immediately made me feel better about the degree in which i participated in the holiday as well as how much better working further downtown is.
did anyone else have any fun/crazy st. patty's day experiences?
Pinch me, it can't be true!
so go ahead and read that and then come back, because i've got more.
...
ok. so now that you know about my fear of getting pinched, and my need to wear green on this most drunken of holidays, let me continue. usually i'll just wear something green to get in the spirit, but as i was looking through my (3) options, i was reminded of a fairly new addition to my tshirt army: a green shirt with that carebear with the clover on his belly on it and the word "Lucky" under him. i guess his name is lucky bear. so i immediately reached for that and then immediately recoiled. would that be going too far? getting too into the spirit? after all, i did just start a new job yesterday and there are only five other people in the office i'm working in. is that the kind of impression i wanted to make? i looked at the other two green shirts i have but then just decided "eff it and go all the way." so yeah, i nerded it up this year with a green tshirt with a clover on it. i was self conscious about it, but i did it anyway. when i walked into the office, only one other person was wearing green, and it was a rather classy green dress that faded into white. as a matter of fact, in the union square area (where the office is) i barely saw any green that didn't just happen to be the color of the article of clothing. i mean, i'm sure it was worn for the occasion, but it was more like clothes that were green instead of st. patrick's day clothes. i shrugged it off because honestly, it didn't matter. i wasn't getting pinched and i didn't look like a fool. then, i was sent on a run to the viacom building...which we all know is in times square.
if manhattan were gosford park, then the union square area (just in this example) would be the upstairs, while times square would be like, the less classier servants quarters. i walked out of the subway and it was definitely st. patrick's day there. there were giant green hats and clover glasses/scarves/ties/etc everywhere. people were not just wearing green, but they were wearing the green st. patrick's version of the i <3 ny shirt (i clover ny), jackets that proudly proclaimed "IRISH" and there was even a guy with a green bowler hat and a box of lucky charms around his neck. it immediately made me feel better about the degree in which i participated in the holiday as well as how much better working further downtown is.
did anyone else have any fun/crazy st. patty's day experiences?
here's a good idea
i had just gotten home from the gym, still listening to my wee shuffle, when Orgy's remake of Blue Monday came on. Like many things in my past that i have no explanation for, my love for the album Candyass still lingers a little (even though I really only could tell you with certainty two of the songs on it). i was still listening to the song as i sat down to check my google reader, and i remembered that there was something intriguing to my 16 year old self about the lead singer. so i did what any curious girl with a fuzzy memory would do -- google image search. but here's a good idea: probably don't just google image search the word 'orgy'.
Monday, March 16, 2009
chipotle buddies
i went to chipotle for lunch today and it was the smallest chipotle i'd ever been in. there were only four tables to sit at, and since i was in the middle of a work errand, i couldn't take my lunch to go. so, i hung out at this skinny bar (no seats) eating my taco until a table opened up. when one did, i jumped at it. it was a foursie, like the other three tables, so i tried to keep my stuff close to me in case anybody else needed a seat.
as i was staring out the window and listening to my ipod, a lady approached me and asked if it would be possible for "us" to sit down. i assumed she was a part of a couple as i was like 'yeah, no problem' but then she followed her question with "there's three of us."
so now i'm sitting at this table like these people are my friends. one of the guys asks how i'm doing, and the following thought goes through my head:
"please don't talk to me"
so i answer "great" with a heavy dose of sarcasm (40% unintentional). the woman responds "we're glad to hear that." i don't know if she picked up my sarcasm, but then i started feeling bad. the lady starts making jokes, and at first i offer a polite giggle, but then i realize that i'm not with them. herein lies the dilemma-- i don't want to have a conversation with these people, but i'm surrounded by them. where do i focus my attention? intently staring out the window felt super awkward, but i wasn't going to gaze into the ladies eyes or continue eavesdropping on their convo. i also had my headphones in, so that added another element of confusion to the matter.
let me tell you something else. of all the places to want to be eating alone because of the sloppy mess you'll inevitably become, chipotle is high up on the list. i've got guacamole and sour cream everywhere. i'm trying to eat quickly so i can get out of there, but not too quickly because it's so delicious i want it to last forever. i eventually finished the tacos, and instead of spooning the remainder of the guacamole in my mouth, i picked up my basket, wished them a good lunch, and hightailed it outta there.
as i was staring out the window and listening to my ipod, a lady approached me and asked if it would be possible for "us" to sit down. i assumed she was a part of a couple as i was like 'yeah, no problem' but then she followed her question with "there's three of us."
so now i'm sitting at this table like these people are my friends. one of the guys asks how i'm doing, and the following thought goes through my head:
"please don't talk to me"
so i answer "great" with a heavy dose of sarcasm (40% unintentional). the woman responds "we're glad to hear that." i don't know if she picked up my sarcasm, but then i started feeling bad. the lady starts making jokes, and at first i offer a polite giggle, but then i realize that i'm not with them. herein lies the dilemma-- i don't want to have a conversation with these people, but i'm surrounded by them. where do i focus my attention? intently staring out the window felt super awkward, but i wasn't going to gaze into the ladies eyes or continue eavesdropping on their convo. i also had my headphones in, so that added another element of confusion to the matter.
let me tell you something else. of all the places to want to be eating alone because of the sloppy mess you'll inevitably become, chipotle is high up on the list. i've got guacamole and sour cream everywhere. i'm trying to eat quickly so i can get out of there, but not too quickly because it's so delicious i want it to last forever. i eventually finished the tacos, and instead of spooning the remainder of the guacamole in my mouth, i picked up my basket, wished them a good lunch, and hightailed it outta there.
Sunday, March 15, 2009
WRC: ROLB - pole arteests
Previously: Jenny - we hardly knew ya
taya makes a big announcement about how she's the Pet of the Year. I thought we already knew this? No, really, she's saying she just found out, but she already told Bret this.
the bitches arrive at truck stop games. there will be three teams of three. there will be trucker judges. there is promise of an awesome date as a prize. the girls suit up. or down, rather. one team member must bellyflop into a vat of bret's brew, the clearest beer 'round here. the second game involves a stripper pole. everyone clamors to be their team representative for this challenge, comparing dancing and pole experience. and woah, talk about not what you expected. first off, brittanya is elected as the green team rep because she is a go-go dancer...but she apparently doesn't go-go anywhere near a pole because she sucks. she can't do a thing. does this girl have any positives? then megan mullaly-ish kami is all 'let me let me' (over Ashley) and if you would've asked me if kami could outpole ashley, i would've laughed in your face. but what we all didn't know is that kami has 10 years stripping experience (sad) and possesses the magical ability to float around the pole with ease. who knew? and then taya gets up there and like...with the legs. i mean, maybe it's because i've never been to a strip club, but did you all know they did this?
the third game is a hot dog relay. even though the blue team did better in this game, farrah showed her boobs and kissed a trucker, so the yellow team was declared the weiners. (see what i did there?)
bret meets with the girls to show him he's a fair guy and knows the judges were swayed by farrah's assets, so he will also spend some time on his bus with the blue team, aka the true winners (ashley, beverly, kami). they talk about jealousy. then he sings to thme. ugh. FF. woah. OMG. so bret and ashley start making out, then all four go back to his room, then apparently ashley just immediately dropped trou. hmm, we didn't get any more details aside from kami being uncomfortable and pissed about the whole situation. she approaches bret and tells him she wants to leave. bret's all "can't hate the playah!" so, two of the three newbies are out. the other winning team heads to an amusement park. they are amused.
so, they all go to bret's show. (AGAIN) farrah and kelsey start the night wasted. big john asks them to be on their best behavior. farrah and kelsey hump each other in the VIP section with all the impressionable young fans watching. then they make out and destroy the VIP area (with ashley's help). big john gets angry and scolds farrah and kelsey by sternly reminding them he asked them not to be slutty. then he grounds them to their bus. kelsey gets PISSED, flips out, flees the bus, and lies on a speed bump, crying in the middle of the parking lot. she says she wants to go home and doesn't want bret. she tries to reject big john's attempts at a conversation. he acts like a therapist and tells her she has a chance. he convinces her to stay. maybe he has found a new calling.
six of the girls are presentable at elimination. 'presentable' being used loosely. the other three are super wasted and can barely stand. wasted ashley is hilarious. i might actually love ashley. but not in a way where i'd ever want to hang out with her. bret calls kelsey down first and she laughingly stumbles toward him. he gives her the whole "this road is too tough for a broad like you" spiel and ashley and farrah drop their jaws. though i'm sure ashley was tempted to drop her panties. anyway, kelsey is dumped, everyone is shocked. and THEN! as she is sent to pack her things, ashley whispers to farrah "I don't think she has any of my clothes." awesome. ashley is awesome. what a true friend. she and farrah get a warning from bret and he sends everyone on their way.
taya makes a big announcement about how she's the Pet of the Year. I thought we already knew this? No, really, she's saying she just found out, but she already told Bret this.
the bitches arrive at truck stop games. there will be three teams of three. there will be trucker judges. there is promise of an awesome date as a prize. the girls suit up. or down, rather. one team member must bellyflop into a vat of bret's brew, the clearest beer 'round here. the second game involves a stripper pole. everyone clamors to be their team representative for this challenge, comparing dancing and pole experience. and woah, talk about not what you expected. first off, brittanya is elected as the green team rep because she is a go-go dancer...but she apparently doesn't go-go anywhere near a pole because she sucks. she can't do a thing. does this girl have any positives? then megan mullaly-ish kami is all 'let me let me' (over Ashley) and if you would've asked me if kami could outpole ashley, i would've laughed in your face. but what we all didn't know is that kami has 10 years stripping experience (sad) and possesses the magical ability to float around the pole with ease. who knew? and then taya gets up there and like...with the legs. i mean, maybe it's because i've never been to a strip club, but did you all know they did this?
the third game is a hot dog relay. even though the blue team did better in this game, farrah showed her boobs and kissed a trucker, so the yellow team was declared the weiners. (see what i did there?)
bret meets with the girls to show him he's a fair guy and knows the judges were swayed by farrah's assets, so he will also spend some time on his bus with the blue team, aka the true winners (ashley, beverly, kami). they talk about jealousy. then he sings to thme. ugh. FF. woah. OMG. so bret and ashley start making out, then all four go back to his room, then apparently ashley just immediately dropped trou. hmm, we didn't get any more details aside from kami being uncomfortable and pissed about the whole situation. she approaches bret and tells him she wants to leave. bret's all "can't hate the playah!" so, two of the three newbies are out. the other winning team heads to an amusement park. they are amused.
so, they all go to bret's show. (AGAIN) farrah and kelsey start the night wasted. big john asks them to be on their best behavior. farrah and kelsey hump each other in the VIP section with all the impressionable young fans watching. then they make out and destroy the VIP area (with ashley's help). big john gets angry and scolds farrah and kelsey by sternly reminding them he asked them not to be slutty. then he grounds them to their bus. kelsey gets PISSED, flips out, flees the bus, and lies on a speed bump, crying in the middle of the parking lot. she says she wants to go home and doesn't want bret. she tries to reject big john's attempts at a conversation. he acts like a therapist and tells her she has a chance. he convinces her to stay. maybe he has found a new calling.
six of the girls are presentable at elimination. 'presentable' being used loosely. the other three are super wasted and can barely stand. wasted ashley is hilarious. i might actually love ashley. but not in a way where i'd ever want to hang out with her. bret calls kelsey down first and she laughingly stumbles toward him. he gives her the whole "this road is too tough for a broad like you" spiel and ashley and farrah drop their jaws. though i'm sure ashley was tempted to drop her panties. anyway, kelsey is dumped, everyone is shocked. and THEN! as she is sent to pack her things, ashley whispers to farrah "I don't think she has any of my clothes." awesome. ashley is awesome. what a true friend. she and farrah get a warning from bret and he sends everyone on their way.
Thursday, March 12, 2009
WRC: ANTM12 - pretty isn't model
Prevously: Isabella didn't perform and was sent home. and by "didn't perform" i mean "didn't have a seizure on cue during the strobe light fashion show."
ugh, the giant (pink plaid) SUV limo is back, clogging the streets of New York. there is some secret agent bullshit that i can't even get into, but basically its introducing the makeovers. for the most part, everyone is a vast improvement. celia is the cry face this season. i guess she looks better. natalie (who?) flips out when her hair is approached by scissors, and she says she can't do it. i don't know why these girls come on this show thinking they can get away with this shit. oh, because apparently they can. jay tells natalie that when she came in, tyra thought she was model from head to toe (don't see it) and therefore is not getting touched for the makeover. tahlia looks ridiculous. more ridiculous. fo gets all cry face because her hair was cut short and in her mind short hair = butch = ugly and she feels everyone else looks more beautiful than she.
the girls meet sutan and the covergirl rep for their biannual walmart challenge. but since us new yorkers survive without any walmarts, they had to recreate a walmart covergirl aisle for this challenge. they are broken into teams and have to find someone on the street who something about covergirl exact eyelights. team 1 (celia, sandra, and aminat) wins the challenge, even though sandra was a dud of a team member, and gets to participate in a walmart photoshoot.
everyone hops in the limo and heads to greenpoint for the photo shoot. the girls must light themselves while nigel shoots them. the pictures are taken in groups of four, with the central girl (the one holding the lights) being rotated.
lulliez!! there's a shot of jay giving aminat directions, and in the background, a production person is watching the exchange and not where she steps and totally trips. awesome. rewind.
a few girls stumble through the shoot. fo blames her hair. teyona, natalia, celia, and london all seem to do well.
there's another short film fairy tale and rhyme by tyra before we head to panel. this year's miss j gimmick is that his bow tie will get bigger each week until, one assumes, it's a comically large clown prop. guest judge this week is ex-judge nole marin. what's he got on tyra i wonder?
kortnie, sandra, jessica (woof! that picture!), nijah, and aminat all get negative comments. london's makeover is working for me, i think. celia also looks much better. they did give the two of them similar looks though. man, nole has missed this job. he is super catty. was he always this sassy? is he trying to get his job back? tyra hates the execution of teyona's makeover and will get it redone.
12 "beautiful" women, 11 mediocre photos. teyona is called first, followed by celia and allison. everyone else follows until we're left with fo, jessica, and aminat. 2/3 of my team! argh! aminat is safe, and it's between the blaxican and the boricua.
fo didn't properly deal with her makeover. jessica might just be a pretty girl. fo gets another chance and jessica gets sent back to be the prettiest of her crew.
ugh, the giant (pink plaid) SUV limo is back, clogging the streets of New York. there is some secret agent bullshit that i can't even get into, but basically its introducing the makeovers. for the most part, everyone is a vast improvement. celia is the cry face this season. i guess she looks better. natalie (who?) flips out when her hair is approached by scissors, and she says she can't do it. i don't know why these girls come on this show thinking they can get away with this shit. oh, because apparently they can. jay tells natalie that when she came in, tyra thought she was model from head to toe (don't see it) and therefore is not getting touched for the makeover. tahlia looks ridiculous. more ridiculous. fo gets all cry face because her hair was cut short and in her mind short hair = butch = ugly and she feels everyone else looks more beautiful than she.
the girls meet sutan and the covergirl rep for their biannual walmart challenge. but since us new yorkers survive without any walmarts, they had to recreate a walmart covergirl aisle for this challenge. they are broken into teams and have to find someone on the street who something about covergirl exact eyelights. team 1 (celia, sandra, and aminat) wins the challenge, even though sandra was a dud of a team member, and gets to participate in a walmart photoshoot.
everyone hops in the limo and heads to greenpoint for the photo shoot. the girls must light themselves while nigel shoots them. the pictures are taken in groups of four, with the central girl (the one holding the lights) being rotated.
lulliez!! there's a shot of jay giving aminat directions, and in the background, a production person is watching the exchange and not where she steps and totally trips. awesome. rewind.
a few girls stumble through the shoot. fo blames her hair. teyona, natalia, celia, and london all seem to do well.
there's another short film fairy tale and rhyme by tyra before we head to panel. this year's miss j gimmick is that his bow tie will get bigger each week until, one assumes, it's a comically large clown prop. guest judge this week is ex-judge nole marin. what's he got on tyra i wonder?
kortnie, sandra, jessica (woof! that picture!), nijah, and aminat all get negative comments. london's makeover is working for me, i think. celia also looks much better. they did give the two of them similar looks though. man, nole has missed this job. he is super catty. was he always this sassy? is he trying to get his job back? tyra hates the execution of teyona's makeover and will get it redone.
12 "beautiful" women, 11 mediocre photos. teyona is called first, followed by celia and allison. everyone else follows until we're left with fo, jessica, and aminat. 2/3 of my team! argh! aminat is safe, and it's between the blaxican and the boricua.
fo didn't properly deal with her makeover. jessica might just be a pretty girl. fo gets another chance and jessica gets sent back to be the prettiest of her crew.
Friday, March 06, 2009
WRC: ANTM12 - The Goddess Cycle pt. 2
Okay, I'm back from my break. Sorry, that was longer than I meant it.
The 13 girls meet Nigel and Paulina at the top of the Empire State building to give them house keys. They scream the whole way there. I'm sure the Upper East Side loved having these girls here. So, as usual, there's one less bed than there are girls. Sandra believes she has the right to the bed because she is better than everyone, even though Celia was given her choice of bed by the power of Paulina. Sandra refuses to accept, but eventually, sandra starts fanning herself and nervously asks celia if she minds sharing the bed. woooo!
oh! isabella, who i keep remembering as kerrington from so you think you can dance, is epileptic girl. Secondary Issue Girl. And can you imagine living in fear that the girl next to you is gonna seize at any moment? i've witnessed seizures and they are uncool.
sandra is willing to share but celia is not so we all ask WWLD and what London does is pretend she was going to sleep on the floor the whole time, so it's no big deal if sandra takes her bed. then she thanks Jesus. this will get old quick.
the girls are taken to a real runway show and are told they will be in it. but HOW WILL THEY LEARN?! Ugh, Sandra...Nenna did it better. tahlia is frustrated that her burns are covered in a pantsuit while the others are in skin exposing garments. what did she expect?? she chose the shallowest industry to try to be a burn victim role model in. ruh roh! strobe lights on the runway! didn't anybody mention the EPILEPTIC GIRL?!?!
the girls show up at central park for their first photo shoot -- reenacting favorite childhood games. for some unexplained reason, jay is in a futuristic laser tag biking outfit.
PHOTO SHOOT - CHILDHOOD GAMES
FO - ring around the rosie -- cute picture, but nothin' special.
LONDON - tug of war - good picture
i thought when they said games they meant like, Candyland.
TAHLIA - tag -- blah blah burn victim blah. tyra sets her straight.
mckey looks great. and her first covergirl spot is actually not bad.
NATALIE - leap frog -- tyra likes it, paulina isn't sure
SANDRA - hide and seek -- effed up the runway show, effed up the picture
KORTNIE - monkey bars -- um...does okay, i guess?
AMINAT - london bridge -- lacks vulnerability
NIJAH - musical chairs -- good face shot (eww...)
ALLISON - double dutch -- tyra loves it
TEYONA - hopscotch -- gets really good comments
CELIA - hula hoop -- i can't get on board
ISABELLA - dodgeball -- her photos show that she struggled with the shoot...i think the constant flashes might have been a concern...
JESSICA - jacks -- tyra thinks its a pretty picture, but not representative of jacks. i would like to have seen what tyra would've done with jacks.
so this whole shoot is about tyra thinking girls are growing up too fast and there were three extras in each photo representing a different kind of bad girl who grew up too fast. i didn't think i needed to mention it, but tyra went and made a short film about the loss of her youth instead of her normal photo in the style of the week's shoot.
i like how tyra is calling all girls 5'7 and under short. i would call short 5'3 and under, 5'4 - 5'7 is average, and you know tyra will probably only take the average girls for the 'short' cycle.
paulina is too tan. and her hair is crazy. the judges have decided. tyra does her speech. allison is called first and gets to have her digital photo up for the week. fo is next, followed by teyona and everyone else until we have Sandra and Isabella. so is it Bitchface McAfrica or Epilepty McShakypants? (sorry) Isabella is beautiful but froze on set. sandra stunk both the runway and her photo shoot up. so logically, isabella gets sent home. it's for the best -- isabella shouldn't be around all the camera flashes. also, didn't i say i didn't think she'd make it? i did. go check.
The 13 girls meet Nigel and Paulina at the top of the Empire State building to give them house keys. They scream the whole way there. I'm sure the Upper East Side loved having these girls here. So, as usual, there's one less bed than there are girls. Sandra believes she has the right to the bed because she is better than everyone, even though Celia was given her choice of bed by the power of Paulina. Sandra refuses to accept, but eventually, sandra starts fanning herself and nervously asks celia if she minds sharing the bed. woooo!
oh! isabella, who i keep remembering as kerrington from so you think you can dance, is epileptic girl. Secondary Issue Girl. And can you imagine living in fear that the girl next to you is gonna seize at any moment? i've witnessed seizures and they are uncool.
sandra is willing to share but celia is not so we all ask WWLD and what London does is pretend she was going to sleep on the floor the whole time, so it's no big deal if sandra takes her bed. then she thanks Jesus. this will get old quick.
the girls are taken to a real runway show and are told they will be in it. but HOW WILL THEY LEARN?! Ugh, Sandra...Nenna did it better. tahlia is frustrated that her burns are covered in a pantsuit while the others are in skin exposing garments. what did she expect?? she chose the shallowest industry to try to be a burn victim role model in. ruh roh! strobe lights on the runway! didn't anybody mention the EPILEPTIC GIRL?!?!
the girls show up at central park for their first photo shoot -- reenacting favorite childhood games. for some unexplained reason, jay is in a futuristic laser tag biking outfit.
PHOTO SHOOT - CHILDHOOD GAMES
FO - ring around the rosie -- cute picture, but nothin' special.
LONDON - tug of war - good picture
i thought when they said games they meant like, Candyland.
TAHLIA - tag -- blah blah burn victim blah. tyra sets her straight.
mckey looks great. and her first covergirl spot is actually not bad.
NATALIE - leap frog -- tyra likes it, paulina isn't sure
SANDRA - hide and seek -- effed up the runway show, effed up the picture
KORTNIE - monkey bars -- um...does okay, i guess?
AMINAT - london bridge -- lacks vulnerability
NIJAH - musical chairs -- good face shot (eww...)
ALLISON - double dutch -- tyra loves it
TEYONA - hopscotch -- gets really good comments
CELIA - hula hoop -- i can't get on board
ISABELLA - dodgeball -- her photos show that she struggled with the shoot...i think the constant flashes might have been a concern...
JESSICA - jacks -- tyra thinks its a pretty picture, but not representative of jacks. i would like to have seen what tyra would've done with jacks.
so this whole shoot is about tyra thinking girls are growing up too fast and there were three extras in each photo representing a different kind of bad girl who grew up too fast. i didn't think i needed to mention it, but tyra went and made a short film about the loss of her youth instead of her normal photo in the style of the week's shoot.
i like how tyra is calling all girls 5'7 and under short. i would call short 5'3 and under, 5'4 - 5'7 is average, and you know tyra will probably only take the average girls for the 'short' cycle.
paulina is too tan. and her hair is crazy. the judges have decided. tyra does her speech. allison is called first and gets to have her digital photo up for the week. fo is next, followed by teyona and everyone else until we have Sandra and Isabella. so is it Bitchface McAfrica or Epilepty McShakypants? (sorry) Isabella is beautiful but froze on set. sandra stunk both the runway and her photo shoot up. so logically, isabella gets sent home. it's for the best -- isabella shouldn't be around all the camera flashes. also, didn't i say i didn't think she'd make it? i did. go check.
Thursday, March 05, 2009
picture it
imagine this: you've just sat down to watch law and order: svu with your reheated pizza. as you open your mouth to take the first bite, the doc on the screen says of the special victim:
"He was beaten in the crotch so badly that his scrotum ruptured."
Sorry. I just couldn't be there alone.
"He was beaten in the crotch so badly that his scrotum ruptured."
Sorry. I just couldn't be there alone.
WRC: ANTM12 - The Goddess Cycle pt. 1
Alright, y'all. They postponed last week's premiere so we could have two hours here, so let's get down to business. i'm gonna split this in two parts because it's gonna be long. I don't remember anything about these girls except that they are mostly fug.
We start in Vegas with 34 girls "picked by Tyra". Tyra also refuses Vegas its nickname, and instead finger-waggingly calls it "Indulgent City." Ok, Celia, 25 - fug. Some girl whose name I don't remember says she has a hard time remembering names. She too is fug. Two minutes in and we already have our first "This is not America's Next ____ _____", in this case (and usually) it's Best Friend. Now that is a girl who knows her reality shows.
There are J(ay)s, there is screaming, there is one plus size girl. The 34 dress in toga dresses and pose in profile for their first shoot. For real, Celia is hid. Fo is byootiful. After the shoot, Miss Jay has the girls walk on clouds. Aka runway plus fog machine. Is that Jenny Humphrey?
Woah woah woah. Some girl actually says excitedly, "We are so close to standing in front of Tyra...and getting judged!" How can you aspire to that? She's brainwashed a whole generation. Anyway, her holy highness Tyra enters with a Spartan army, and in a weird accent says "I am...." while a lowly soldier fills in the mad libs with "the goddess of fierce." If I were that soldier, I would've risked my career in showbiz by shouting out "HUNGRY!!!!" Fo flips her shit about Tyra existing in front of her, so now I hate her. Tyra reveals her age - 2,752.7 years old. I guess she looks good for that. Guys, Celia is such an uggo.
Oh great, we've got our Issue Girl. (you remember past Issue Girls-- twins, Asperger's, genital mutilation, transexual) This year it's Tahlia. Tahlia wants to prove BURN SURVIVORS can be TOP FASHION MODELS. seriously, anything I say will make me look more asshole-ish, but you know. you get it. i mean, right? she also has no belly button.
aminat. 6'1. maybe awesome...we'll see. she's on my list for now. celia is like the worst parts of kyra sedwick, all of kirsten dunst and some chris farley. fo is short fo' felicia. she's black/mexican. she is so pretty.
aww, McKey gets to start her Life As A Covergirl. I hope they are delightfully weird.
Celia says she's feels like she's the prettiest she's ever been. I'm glad we didn't meet before this. The girls will be cut to 21. I'm not listing everyone, but pretty much those that we've already met make it through. there is crying, there is screaming, there is blubbering. thank god the conspiracy theorist didn't make it. With her low ears and terrible posture and elf face (and not lord of the rings elves either) she was worse than celia. oh yeah, celia made it.
the winning 21 pose with their gold wreaths atop their noodles as different goddesses. fo is seriously so pretty.
GUYS! oh my god. cycle 13 will be 5'7 and under!!! I should totally go for it!
ok, time to narrow it to 13. Our girls this cycle will be back in New York. Aminat is first. Approved. Next is Natalie. meh. then Fo, obvs. Allison (Jenny Humphrey), Tahlia (burn victim), Celia (fuggo), Nijah (?), London (street preacher), Teyona (country tomboy), Kortnie (plus size), Isabella (didn't pay attention to her because I didn't think she'd make it), Jessica (pretty Latina), and lastly, Sandra (African god-dess, in her own words).
the girls celebrate their impending arrival on the upper east side (!).
ok, hour one over. now onto the first real episode. Do you guys need a break? I do.
We start in Vegas with 34 girls "picked by Tyra". Tyra also refuses Vegas its nickname, and instead finger-waggingly calls it "Indulgent City." Ok, Celia, 25 - fug. Some girl whose name I don't remember says she has a hard time remembering names. She too is fug. Two minutes in and we already have our first "This is not America's Next ____ _____", in this case (and usually) it's Best Friend. Now that is a girl who knows her reality shows.
There are J(ay)s, there is screaming, there is one plus size girl. The 34 dress in toga dresses and pose in profile for their first shoot. For real, Celia is hid. Fo is byootiful. After the shoot, Miss Jay has the girls walk on clouds. Aka runway plus fog machine. Is that Jenny Humphrey?
Woah woah woah. Some girl actually says excitedly, "We are so close to standing in front of Tyra...and getting judged!" How can you aspire to that? She's brainwashed a whole generation. Anyway, her holy highness Tyra enters with a Spartan army, and in a weird accent says "I am...." while a lowly soldier fills in the mad libs with "the goddess of fierce." If I were that soldier, I would've risked my career in showbiz by shouting out "HUNGRY!!!!" Fo flips her shit about Tyra existing in front of her, so now I hate her. Tyra reveals her age - 2,752.7 years old. I guess she looks good for that. Guys, Celia is such an uggo.
Oh great, we've got our Issue Girl. (you remember past Issue Girls-- twins, Asperger's, genital mutilation, transexual) This year it's Tahlia. Tahlia wants to prove BURN SURVIVORS can be TOP FASHION MODELS. seriously, anything I say will make me look more asshole-ish, but you know. you get it. i mean, right? she also has no belly button.
aminat. 6'1. maybe awesome...we'll see. she's on my list for now. celia is like the worst parts of kyra sedwick, all of kirsten dunst and some chris farley. fo is short fo' felicia. she's black/mexican. she is so pretty.
aww, McKey gets to start her Life As A Covergirl. I hope they are delightfully weird.
Celia says she's feels like she's the prettiest she's ever been. I'm glad we didn't meet before this. The girls will be cut to 21. I'm not listing everyone, but pretty much those that we've already met make it through. there is crying, there is screaming, there is blubbering. thank god the conspiracy theorist didn't make it. With her low ears and terrible posture and elf face (and not lord of the rings elves either) she was worse than celia. oh yeah, celia made it.
the winning 21 pose with their gold wreaths atop their noodles as different goddesses. fo is seriously so pretty.
GUYS! oh my god. cycle 13 will be 5'7 and under!!! I should totally go for it!
ok, time to narrow it to 13. Our girls this cycle will be back in New York. Aminat is first. Approved. Next is Natalie. meh. then Fo, obvs. Allison (Jenny Humphrey), Tahlia (burn victim), Celia (fuggo), Nijah (?), London (street preacher), Teyona (country tomboy), Kortnie (plus size), Isabella (didn't pay attention to her because I didn't think she'd make it), Jessica (pretty Latina), and lastly, Sandra (African god-dess, in her own words).
the girls celebrate their impending arrival on the upper east side (!).
ok, hour one over. now onto the first real episode. Do you guys need a break? I do.
local news alert
Umm, my local news just warned me to be on alert for a pack of transvestite teenagers that are targeting women. that's weird, right?
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