Sunday, March 07, 2010

this is why i'm single

before i begin, you should know that i have two major complexes. the first is thinking that people don't or won't remember me after a couple meets. the second is my height. i went on a couple dates with a guy who lost me after he made fun of my height.

i also am one who loves an occasion to dress a lil fancy. however, i can only fully enjoy it if i'm either headed to a destination with another person or if i can go from point A to point B with no stops. new york has trained me to believe that going out with a skirt and makeup equals catcalls, comments, and/or propositions. unfortunately for me last night, i not only headed to my destination solo, but i also had to make a quick stop on the way.

whilst i was waiting in line to pay, i hear out of the corner of my ear "oh, hold up, there's a beautiful lady next to you."'s hard for me to explain this, but i really hate this shit. i'm not being egotistical here, i was the only female with 8 other drunken males in the store, so this guy was obviously talking about me. this happens to me all the time -- a guy will loudly say something similar to this, hoping that that in itself will be so flattering to me that i'd turn around and engage him in conversation. however, i never respond to these attempts. i don't think it should be assumed that i'm standing around listening to all the conversations around me waiting to hear if someone thinks i'm hot. if somebody wants to talk to me, it would do them good to try and get my attention first.

alright so here i am not responding to this because for all i know, some beautiful lady could've walked in the store behind me and he's talking about her. or maybe he refers to his friends as beautiful ladies. it's not for me to decipher. then i hear him say 'what do you have going on tonight?' i don't answer because i am faced 180 degrees away from this person. he doesn't have my attention! i don't just walk through the aisles of the grocery stores answering questions i overhear. so then after my nonresponse, he says 'oh, so she's ignoring me.' this is the line that they always go to and it angers me to no end. it is also the line that i allow myself to acknowledge these people, because at this point i need to show that i am not being timid, i'm just being annoyed.

so i turn to him and i say "No, i just don't respond to someone unless they are directly addressing me" and i turn back around to face the cashier. of course all seven of his drunken friends are like "OHHHHH!!!!!!!!!" there are still two of his drunken friends in front of me in line. the cashier is enjoying this situation a little too much, but does give me a supportive smile of solidarity. at this point, i believe that i'm in the clear. i've acknowledged him. i've not shown interest. and again i am facing away from him. i just want to pay and get out. but give them an inch and they'll take a motherfucking mile. like that stalker i had.

so this guy is conversing with me like we're on our first date:

douche: Do we stink?

Me: (turns to look at this mass of large sweaty drunken menchildren.) Like liquor? (turns back to face away from them)

douche: well, yeah obviously, but body odor? we've been playing all day.

me: i can only smell liquor.

douche: We had an awesome day. We did some great stuff! We played about 54 holes of golf.

me: wow. impressive. (do i even need to note my sarcastic tone here? also, i am still not even facing or looking at these guys.)

douche: well. not real golf. disc golf. we're pretty lazy guys. we like to get a lot of beer, a shitload of kind bud, and just get fucked up and play all day.

non-douchey friend: dude! stop!

douche: what? she's not a cop.

non-douchey friend: just stop.

douche: she's too short to be a cop. (*please note that he is calling me short while i'm wearing boots with three inch heels. imagine if he'd seen how short i really am.)

non-douchey friend: dude. what is your problem?

douche: she's too short to be a cop! she can't be a cop. cops aren't short.

at this point, he moves from behind me to the left side of me, and sticks his head in close.

douche: you're not a cop right?

me: (scoffs and shakes head in disbelief.)

douche: see! she said it herself. she's not a cop because she's too short.

me: (leaves)


Anonymous said...

So...are you a cop or not?

Anonymous said...

This cracked me up to no end. Awesomeness. Love your blog.