Birthday times!!

Happy 30th to my big brother!! by now we should all know that if I make a birthday video, expect whatever is coming in the mail to be tardy!! hooray!!



and now i've officially wished my brother a happy birthday every place that i could. yay, ricky!!

fun with voicemail

when i record my outgoing voicemail message, i usually try to make it clever or entertaining in some way that will also get me a message that is clever or entertaining. i started doing this a couple phones ago (it's weird to me that i'm on my fifth phone, fourth if you don't count the tracfone that was my first cellular device once i upgraded from a beeper) because even though i would say my name in my outgoing message, i would still get all sorts of wrong numbers that would leave messages anyway. i once got a message that was like "Carol! I'm downstairs waiting for you!" if you hear a voicemail that's all "this is sara, leave a message"...would you go on to leave a message for carol? this guy did. and many others did for many others.

thus, one of my first non-standard outgoing greetings went something like "this is sara, leave a message. if you are not calling for sara, don't leave a message, because i don't know who you are and i won't call you back." that actually worked, and i don't think i got any misdirected voicemails. but then, that phone lived its life and i had to get a new one. i attempted to recreate the outgoing message, but it felt forced, and i had to go back to the drawing board.

another of my favorite outgoing messages was the one challenging callers to leave the best voicemail, and stating that only the caller who left the best voicemail would get a call back. (it was a bluff, i called everyone back) i got a lot of hilarious voicemails and songs out of that one, and i also got a lot of people getting nervous at the challenge and just rambling about how they couldn't think of something awesome to say but please call them back.

so this brings me now to the new phone i got just a couple weeks ago. sadly, i had to say goodbye to the Best Voicemail Competition (with fears that recreation would again feel forced). i think what i have now just very basically asks people calling me to leave a pleasant or hilarious message, since i love being entertained and/or pleased. i just got a phone call from a number i didn't recognize (aka a phone call that goes straight to voicemail). here is a transcript of the message i got:

"umm, hello, i think i've called the wrong number. i don't know if that's pleasant or hilarious, but...there it is. (laughs) ok. bye."

everyone wins!! he left a message, so i'm not left wondering who the eff in the catskills just called me. he was aware that i was not the intended party, but he abided by my voicemail rules! and i DID find it hilarious! should i call him back and ask him to marry me?

the alarm who cried wolf

does anyone ever really pay attention to alarms anymore? i'm not talking about alarms you wake up to, i'm talking about fire alarms, car alarms, etc. i feel like we're all so used to false alarms, that our immediate reaction is to do nothing. a fire alarm has gone off in my building a few times since i've lived here. i react in this order:

1) hear the alarm, think about how annoying it is.
2) if the alarm has gone on for more than a few minutes, look out the peephole to see if anyone else is fleeing
3) if no one is fleeing, continue as i was

one time, about a month after i moved to this building, i smelled smoke. it was strong enough that i did about three thorough checks in my apartment to make sure it was nothing of mine that had burst into flames. i looked out the peephole, and things looked foggy, like maybe my peephole was dirty, but no one seemed to be fleeing. a few minutes later, the firetruck came. when i opened the door, the "dirty peephole" actually turned out to be smoke filled halls. the firemen were giving the all clear, so i went back into my abode. i later found out that the people in the apartment directly below me had fallen asleep after putting boiling water on the stove. the alarm never went off in this situation.

anyway, i was reminded of this because i was changing me clothes at the gym today and an alarm went off in the girls' locker room. there were three others in the locker room with me and i heard someone in one of the showers. no one flinched or made any effort to vacate. not even i. and when you think about how often car alarms go off at the slam of a door, or when a motorcycle drives past...does anybody actually react when a car is actually being stolen? are these alarms, for the most part useless...or should we all start reacting like it's the real thing every time?

letters to the world

dear newspaper seller on the sidewalk --

i understand you are tired from sitting around all day on a sidewalk trying to sell that big stack of newspapers in front of you, but might i suggest that you not fall asleep sitting over the newspapers with a lit cigarette hanging out of your hand.

sincerely,
sara




dear subway cat --

you are very cute and it breaks my heart everytime i see you wandering around my subway station. at the same time, my heart leaps when i see you, knowing you haven't been flattened by the F. you are supposed to be white and grey, but you are dirty grey and grey. please be careful out there. you are looking thin.

love,
sara

let's talk about sex...ual harassment

i have had quite the evening. i guess there are three different phases to this story, so i will start off with the first and least offensive. (and trust, this train goes to offensive city and beyond.)

i was walking from my place of part-time employment to a friend's birthday gathering. i'm walking with an umbrella because it is raining (though as i walk it's slowly letting up) and i am walking, as always, with my headphones firmly planted in my ears. (***complete side note -- i was looking for a past post to reference here, because i could've sworn i wrote something in the "tales of wooing" series about how i make a point to wear headphones always [even if my battery has died] so as to send the message that i am not interested in talking to you. so i did a half-assed blog search for "ipod" and then "woo me". alas, i didn't find the post i was looking for, but in both of those searches there were posts that i'd forgotten i'd written and giggled at. that's right. i laughed at my own jokes.***)

so ok, i'm walking, headphones, umbrella. out of the corner of my eye, i see a shady looking dude in a grey hoodie cross the street towards me and start walking right next to me at my pace. i speed up to get ahead of him, and he speeds up to keep up. then he starts talking. i have not acknowledged him at all at this point. he says hi. throws his best lines out. reads off the patch on my jacket arm that says "for successful living" and then follows up with "what the fuck is that?". i continue walking without acknowledging him because i'm trying to send the message to all the lowlifes in the world that if a girl has headphones in her ear, she doesn't want to be talked to nor can she 'hear' you. so then he's all "it's not even raining anymore." he then changes tactic and starts speaking spanish. he says "my family has lived here thirty years, how about you?" i keep walking. he is still next to me, though i've been speeding up and slowing down. then he says "are you muslim? you can't talk to guys or something?' LIKE FUCKING TAKE A HINT DUDE. i find an opportunity to break into a fast walk and leave him in my dust.

i hang out at my friend's gathering. everything is wonderful. i head out because i'm already at my pumpkin time and must head to the train. i stand on the side of the platform that my exit will be at, and prepare for a lengthy wait. after about a minute i see a guy probably in his 20's approaching. he's making some motion with his hand and i don't think anything of it. then he is much closer. and his penis is in his hand. and he is fucking. masturbating. whilst walking toward me on the subway platform. so i immediately look straight ahead and walk closer to the center of the platform where there are some other people. the whole time i'm waiting for the train (which actually wasn't that bad considering the time) i'm looking left for the train, right to make sure masturbating manny isn't headed back my way (he walked right past me initially, so it wasn't like he was coming towards me. [no pun intended. i didn't catch that piece of genius until i was rereading through this]). a train starts to come. and OF COURSE it's the fucking G train. UGH! the g train. my nemesis. ruins everything! then out of my right side, i see a guy in a cap and jacket heading back toward me. i'm pretty sure it's masturbating manny, but i didn't really look at him too clearly initially, so it could be a different guy in a cap and jacket. he seems to look at me, so i move a couple columns closer to the center. he follows. i'm like fucking great. i move closer to some bigger, friendly looking dudes and then lucky for me the train comes.

i make a point to be far enough away from this guy that i'm in a completely different car and he can't see where i get off. i walk onto the subway car making sure no eyes are following me and the first thing i see is a fucking pile of shit-looking vomit on the seat in front of me. awesome. i take a sharp left and find a seat.

when the train pulls in to my stop and i get out, i'm in the middle of the platform. i always ride at the front of the train, since that's next to my exit, so i now have to walk back toward the front. i notice an asian man probably in his 40's or 50's get out of the same car as i. he's walking ahead of me, but i pass him with a swift walk because i just want to get home. and here it starts again. i don't know if somebody sprayed me with pheromones today or something -- and might i just take this moment to point out that on the Sara Hotness Scale (the hottest i can look is a 10, the homeliest a 1), i was probably rockin' a five or six today. nothing special. yeah, i had on a boob shirt, but i also had my jacket zipped up literally to my chin. i'm wearing jeans and pumas. my hair is in a ponytail, my bangs are clipped back, and i have a fuzzy hair halo that the humidity has been so lovely as to gift me with...so let's just keep this in mind here.

so this guy pulls the same thing as the first guy, nicely bookending my night. he picks up his pace to walk near me. i hear him saying words, but i don't know what he's saying. then he starts speaking in his language, but again, even though my ipod has died at this point, i am ignoring him. headphones on, sara closed. then he starts whistling. he rotates these three things -- random english words, something in his language, whistles -- as though he were doing reps in a gym. i have picked up my pace and am walking a good distance in front of him. i take this opportunity to grasp my umbrella in my right hand. i can deliver a stronger umbrella blow with this arm, and it also leaves me free to break out my killer left hook. seriously. i am waiting to punch someone and this guy i think is asking for it. you'll see.

he somehow catches up to me (i think i slowed again once i thought i'd lost him). he crosses in front of me so that i have no choice but to acknowledge his presence. he gives me a big smile and a big thumbs up. i kind of laugh at him and nod, like, 'great'. then i keep walking. he motions at me again, and gives more thumbs up. a double this time. and i just look away this time. he motions for me to take my headphones off and i put on my bitch face, take off one earphone and say "what." he asks me how old i am. i have hit stairs at this point and jog up them ahead of him. he jogs up behind me and then says the following fucking words to me:

"Two hundred? Two hundred dollar??"

i give him the meanest bitch face i can muster, tell him "i don't know what the fuck you're talking about" and leave him in my dust.

guys. seriously this actually happened to me. !

potato in my pocket

i think i just had my first "potato in my pocket" moment. a friend of mine once told me her father's harrowing tale of having to walk miles to school in the snow with only a baked potato in his pocket to keep him warm. or something.

anywho, that microsoft commercial came on where a boy and his mother are told that if they find any laptop they like under $1500, that computer is theirs (plus maybe any leftover cash? i don't know, i ff through commercials usually). after much ballyhoo, the boy chooses PC over Mac and then he's all "I'm a PC and I'm 11" and his mom is all "I'm not".

it was here i thought "Yeah, right. My kid isn't getting his own laptop at age 11. When I was a kid, we had one shared desktop (Apple all the way) that was kept in a public space (living room). IM-ing was IRC chatting, which, with dial-up modems, would only hook up about 38% of the time." then i realized what a geezer i was being and decided to be a cool parent and go with the technology flow. and then i realized that i'm single and by the time i decide i'm ready to mate, i will probably have already created a perfect little robot child.

diner hours

i'm a big fan of the neighborhood i live in. my one complaint would be that there are not a lot of places to order food from (that i know of). i've got my standard three asian places (thai, japanese, chinese), and a pretty great pizza place. also, if i feel like going for a little bit of a walk (and if i'm in the rare mood for fast food), there's a kfc and a burger king that could satisfy those needs. but the one thing i've really wanted these past two years is a good burger. i know where i can get good burgers, but they are all a subway ride away...and i usually like to eat in the comfort of my own home, where i can forego pants.

so finally, a couple weeks ago, i see a menu for a diner at my door. aha! well, it might not be a great burger, but it will probably be a decent cheap one. i file the menu away for later experimentation. (also, side note -- it turns out this diner is just two blocks from me. i don't know if it's new, or if i'm only noticing it because now i have a menu).

so i'm in my bare fridge days. and i went straight from boxing to work today (meaning i had a fruit smoothie thing for lunch instead of real food), so i was pretty hungry when i got home. all day long, i was dreaming of what i might eat and i thought "hey! maybe i'll try a burger from that diner!" i check out the menu, and they have what they call a "mexican burger" which has cheddar, mushrooms, and avocado. in name and in ingredients, this burger was made for me. i salivate at the thought of this, and call the diner up at approximately 8pm. a lady answers the phone and i ask if i can make an order for delivery. "Oh, I'm sorry...We're closed" is the response i get. so A) why answer the phone?!? and B) now all i want is a mexican burger and i can't have it.

i flip to the front of the menu to check out their hours, and this is what it says:

Monday - Sunday
6am to Closing

i mean...what am i supposed to do with that? WHAT TIME IS CLOSING?!

SRC: ANTM12 - wanna teyon(a) top

previously: celia was all old and shit. three bitches remain. na na na na na na.

side note -- as y'all know, i hand write my recaps, and i watched this episode last weekend after i had messed my wrist up in boxing. so i wrote it all with my left hand, and i'd just like to say that my left-hand writing is not bad. i'd say it's equivelent to the penmanship of a thirteen year old boy.

the girls get their scripts for their covergirl commercials and photo shoots. allison looks scared and lonely. aminat does a decent job. allison fucks up, but eventually comes through. teyona's nerves get to her and it seems like she might be crashing and burning. she cries, but she looks pretty crying. she does seem to recover a little, though.

panel! man, i forget how quickly the last episode moves. especially in a season that lasts forever. as soon as the top 2 are chosen, they will go to their seventeen cover try. teyona gets called out for her nerves, but her photo is gorge. allison's commerical was decent -- almost there and her voice was expressive. tyra was impressed with allison's photo shoot. aminat probably has the best commercial, though again, her photos fall short.

wouldn't it be funny if the runway show these my life as a covergirls were leading up to for mckey was just the finale show??

a decision has been reached. first called is allison (!). teyona and aminat are called down. i mean this is pretty obvious, right? right. teyona is still in it. farewell aminat, you were a stunning bitch.

allison and teyona are whisked away to (ugh) effing shoket. she stupidly says some stupid lines, the girls take some photos, and then we are sent to the rosa cha fashion show. has allison had a chance to practice her walk?

the girls are wearing tiny, shiny top hats. it's adorbs. mckey still walks lopsided. allison apparently has been practicing. these brazilian chicks are hottt. this show is crazy...there are feathers and headdresses and black oil and sexual floor sliding. teyona loses her weave. allison loses her innocence.

final panel. do you think tyra tries to look like the evil witches and queens from disney movies? since the show was bikinis, these poor girls must have their final judgment whilst wearing those bikinis. allison surprised everyone by showing improvement in her walk. teyona pleased the judges as expected. photos are compared. the two seem to get equal praise. so, who's it gonna be? (are we still pretending we haven't know this since episode 2?)

the judges deliberate. allison exceeded expectations. teyona only just met hers. other pros and cons are listed. a decision has been reached. tyra says they are the two strongest in the competition, but one has a little more. and that person is teyona. we all saw this coming, but i ain't mad at it. i probably would've been okay with either winning. though maybe allison would've found a way to make her my life as a covergirls interesting and weird.

letter to american idol

dear ryan seacrest, you idiot --

you can't address those of us that watch your show dvr'd -- telling us to prepare for the show to run long and to schedule our recordings accordingly -- during the effing broadcast of the show. do you know why, twinkleberry? because we won't see that warning until we are watching the show after we get home from work, at 11:00, when it's too late to adjust our effing recording accordingly.

love,

smm

[update: Dear Ryan Seacrest, you smart and handsome man --

Upon reflection, I've realized that you, in your infinite wisdom, were probably giving us a warning for tomorrow night's show, in which case, your warning during tonight's telecast was not only warranted, but also very kind. Thank you kind sir.

love,

smm]

lost question

wouldn't it be funny if for season 6 of lost they just replayed the episodes from season 1?

shoppe rant

there are a lot of customers at the shoppe that are ridiculous. the things they do or say give a coworker and i plenty of material for a web series we dream about writing. i've tried to refrain from talking about any of that stuff here, because, well...i try to be considerate. when a lady came in and directed her entire order and ensuing conversation to herself in the mirror over my shoulder, i refrained. when i got a call for an order and was given attitude by a lady who actually said the following sentence to me: "What kind of child would want a cake without cookies on it?!", i refrained. when a lady had me put together 8 boxes of various items, topping them each off with a hand-tied ribbon, but opted to leave no tip (not even change!), i refrained. but at this point, all i have are recaps on this blog and that just won't do.

if anyone asked me who my least favorite customer was, i would have an answer without hesitation. without fail, this person comes in 15 minutes before closing to order a cappuccino and takes his sweet time drinking it, sometimes ordering a second even after we've closed (and preventing me from breaking down the espresso machine). there are a bunch of other things he does that i won't get into, lest he somehow make it to this blog and get revenge by throwing a cappuccino in my face, but just know that seeing him immediately puts me in a bad mood.

as i was sweeping the shoppe today, trying to get ahead of my closing duties, i thought to myself "Self, I bet you anything ****** will come in today. things are going too smoothly." sure enough, he walks in. he was waiting for his girlfriend (who i have no problem with), and even though i tried to get him to order so we could get the ball rolling with this, he insisted on waiting for her. after about ten minutes, he decided that he would get his cappuccino and a few snacks while he was waiting. at this point, three other customers had come in. i was helping the first when he told me he was ready to order, so i went to him while the other two waited in line. he told me what he wanted, and i went into speed mode, so my line guys wouldn't be waiting too long.

i grab my milk pitcher, saucer and cup before pulling the shot so that this drink will be quickly made and i can move on to the awaiting people. then he tells me this: "Umm, excuse me, your fingernail touched my cup, can you give me another one?" i couldn't mask my disgust for this man any longer. my response, in my most sarcastic, disbelieving voice was this: "My fingernail? Touched your cup?" He proceeded to show me exactly how my fingernail had touched the inside of his cup, so i laughed (and not in a "you're funny" way but more in a "you're an idiot" way), put his cup back at the top of the machine, did some overexaggerating pulling down the next cup, being sure to keep my fingers and nails off all parts of the inside, and got to shot pulling. usually at this point, i swallow everything and forget about it. but this time i could not. i say to him "my hands are clean" as i'm rushing through his order, still thinking of the awaiting people.

(*Side note - whenever i have a line at the shoppe, all i can think of is when i would play Sim Tower and my people would be waiting for an elevator and they would turn pink then red with anger at the amount of time they were waiting. in my mind, if anyone is waiting, they are inevitably pink or red.)

so then he starts trying to mumble justify this. "Don't take offense" I tell him that i wasn't offended. "It's not you, it's other people. What they bring in. When you touch something, or touch the ground..." Well, okay, now i am offended that you think I would do cartwheels all over the shoppe and not wash my hands. what baffles me is that this guy thinks i'm rubbing my hands on dirt and touching cups and plates, when we are all really good about washing our hands multiple times throughout the day. he says "most people wouldn't have noticed it" as part of his justification and like...what the fuck? how is that supposed to make anything better? THEN he says "i worked in the restaurant business, i know how it is." i remained silent through all this mumbling, but what i wanted to say was "do you know how it is? do you know how ANNOYING it is when you WASTE my time like this when i've got a line of RED PEOPLE?!" how is that a justification?!? how is "i worked in the restaurant business, i know how it is" a justification for asking for a new cup because my FINGERNAIL GRAZED the inside of his cup?! ARGH!!

while i was helping the red people, his girlfriend came in. after everything quieted down, i started feeling bad for kind of showing that i was a little miffed. so i overcompensated by being super nice. then i felt even worse when they actually left before closing (for once) and the girlfriend acknowledged that they usually stay late, so they were going to cut it short this time so i could get to closing. this is why i could never be a full time asshole, i'd feel bad about it most of the time.

SRC: ANTM12 - Celia later!

Previously: Fo was short for Felicia, but too short for modeling.

the top four meet paulina for samba lessons. doing her best nigel impersonation, paulina tells the girls to be aware of their face while dancing and look at her as though she were nigel/the camera. celia starts off by i think trying to seduce paulina. we do know she thinks of sex while modeling. paulina then insults celia, calling her desperate. aminat does well. allison is as bad as she promised. teyona is also not great.

the girls meet paulina on the rooftop. they will dance -- whoever fakes it the best gets to pick a friend to share jewelry with. it looks like it'll be between aminat and celia. celia pulls a surprise win and chooses her cracker-in-crime to share her precious jewels with. paulina is shocked at this decision and aminat projects, saying that paulina thought the prize should've been shared with the runner up, who happens to be aminat. i'm sure, aminat, that if you would've won and celia was the runner up, you would've shared with her and not teyona. shut up. aminat interviews that she's always second runner up...but wouldn't that mean third place? let's hope.

omygod. stupid skit STARRING tyra. why can't she just tell the girls she's their photographer. why does there have to be a whole scene about it?!? photo shoot - the girls are birds. allison is a "birdie owl slash pterodactyl". aminat kinda looks like jocelyn wildenstein. celia seems to do well. teyona does well despite some things working against her. tyra is still annoying.

panel. argh! shoket!! sneak attack. allison's picture is praised (though i still think she always makes the same face.) teyona also turns out a good picture, though it's not her best. celia's picture is pretty good, though her face is the weakest part of it. aminat's picture is also liked. did tyra make them all say good things about her pictures? it always seems like when she's the photographer, all the pictures get high praise.

best pic goes to allison. teyona is runner up. perma bottom two-ers aminat and celia are this week's bottom 2. aminat still doesn't know how to use what she got (and i think by this point isn't going to figure it out. CUT HER LOOSE!) celia is still old. so, who's the last in the final three, aka the second runner up? aminat stays but i think tyra is kidding herself at this point. yeah, celia's not getting any younger, but aminat keeps getting the same damn critique. celia makes a gracious exit, and as she leaves i'd like to apologize for calling her the fugliest of the fugs at the beginning of the season. i'm not taking it back, because she was busted...but the haircut works for her and she has great style, so i no longer believe that she is a fug.

baby fever

has anyone else noticed how pregnant women are everywhere right now?! i don't know if it's because i work in a cookie shoppe, or because of the boom in teen pregnancy pacts or what, but everywhere i look, there's a large belly with a smaller belly button bump staring me down. and don't even mention my biological clock because i was on the train today and some baby started crying and it was one of the worst sounds that has ever met my ears. it made me reconsider procreation. then i spent the rest of the train ride in a brain rant about how babies are so selfish, coming out of the womb only knowing how to cry...and using that skill to get whatever they want, whenever they want. ugh. babies.

SRC: ANTM12 - Fo long!

Previously: Natalie got too bitch for her britches

Go sees! Same rules apply. Four hours, up to five designers, be on time, don't embarrass tyra. Everyone sets off to see the brazilian designers, and it basically comes down to this: Celia is old. Allison can't walk. Fo is short. Teyona and Aminat both seem well liked for their runway abilities.

teyona has three go sees and makes it to a fourth with twenty minutes remaining. Celia is already there, so Teyona wisely decides to head back. She is the first there with ten minutes to spare. Fo stupidly decides to see all five designers and ends up with only 7 minutes to make a 15 minute trip (this will sting even more later, when she finds out she booked 0 of the 5). Aminat makes it on time, as does allison (with a minute to spare.) Celia arrives at 3:31, followed several minutes later by Fo. the girls all head to a helicopter on the roof to meet some guy, but since celia and fo were late, they must watch their competitors lift off as they get blown off the roof by the wind force and into a cab. if i were on this helicopter with aminat, she would get tossed out in a second. she is SCREAMING into those headsets everyone on board has to wear. if the scream is this loud and annoying through my tv, imagine if it were funneled directly into my earhole via large headphones. winner gets a piece from each of the designers, and that prize goes to.....Teyona! hooray! the girls are all jealous nellies as teyona greedily bathes in her prize.

photo shoot on the beach with nigel as the photographer (again). aminat looks smokin'. fo falters. allison turns it out. jay throws out some vaguely technical terms. teyona gets all sand rolly. nigel says he likey. celia stumbles and nigel jumps his sexy self in and shows her how to Model. fo should refrain from using words like 'wee'.

celia's picture isn't great, but teyona's is. aminat is told she has a slammin' body and needs to use it better, like tyra's archnemesis naomi campbell. fo's picture is forrible. and she kind of looks like a monchichi. allison gets high praise from nigel and the other judges.

best picture goes to teyona, winning me points all around. allison is called second. aminat is third and we're down to oldy and shorty. imagine how it makes me feel when oldy is 25 and shorty is 5'8. basically they both need to be confident enough to make everyone forget about those "negative" things. but only one gets one more chance, and that's celia. fo forry, felicia!

SRC: RoLB - all hail the prom queen

bret takes mindy and taya to the dominican republic. mindy is all "crazy crazy crazy". taya is all "boring boring crazy fake fake". mindy and bret learn to tango and then tango behind closed doors (ifyaknowwhatimean). taya and bret go ziplining but she's too much of a "lady" to stay the night with him. there are flashbacks from the whole season and damn this season has taken forever. bret makes the girls each choose an engagement ring. and then he chooses taya. but he decides not to give her the ring just yet. because i mean...taya? really?

SRC: ANTM12 - more like NOTalie

oops...did it again with the lateness. sorries.

previously: London was fat. the final six are off to brazil!!

some tall brazilian supermodel named fernanda welcomes the girls to Sao Paulo. turns out she hosts brazil's next top model. i wonder if tyra only takes girls abroad to countries that have a version of top model. because it IS in over 100 countries. according to tyra.

the girls compete in their own version of the amazing race. natalie and fo win but fernanda has beaten them there! mystical. they meet the girl from ipanema as she comes out dancing to her tune. she gives them the keys to their new abode. natalie and fo win flip flops as a prize. natalie is all sour and unimpressed about brazil.

the girls are taken to a capoeira demonstration. woah, i totally spelled that right! i'm awesome. should've been in my high school capoeira club. the girls are taught some moves and celia accidentally kicks aminat in the face. the girls change into capoeira uniforms and have a photo shoot challenge. winner gets 50% more frames, taking them from the girl of her choice. she of course just couldn't get extra frames because we're in a recession, so those frames have to come from somewhere. fo wins! she takes her frames from teyona, because she's still holding a grudge from when teyona shared her prize with her model celia instead of fo. teyona confronts fo and they exchange words.

photo shoot. the girls will be dressed like carmen miranda. aminat and teyona talk about how they don't like fo anymore. ah, young drama. alright, i've defended natalie in the past, but she really is kind of an insufferable stuck up bitch. fo takes the carmen miranda thing a bit too literally.

i can't stop saying this, especially after that panel intro, but i cannot stand tyra. natalie throws mr. jay under the bus when she gets negative commentary. questionable. the judges praise allison's picture, but to me it looks like the same face she always gives. paulina either got way too much sun, is wearing way too much bronzer, or a mix of both.

allison is called first. runner up is teyona. then fo and celia and my team is safe. we're down to aminat and natalie. aminat still can't put it all together and natalie is actually kind of boring. aminat looks really pretty. maybe that's what saved her. natalie is out.

SRC: RoLB - zzzzzzzzzzzz

ohmygod rock of love ended WEEKS ago and i just can't get through this. bret chose the LAMEST top three in the history of all reality shows which translates to boring recaps. so let's just breeze through this, shall we?

previously: bret booted the last interesting trainwreck person he had and we're stuck with a top three of jamie, taya and mindy. when mindy is your best option...you have a problem.

this winning trio ditch the pink bus and head to miami. bret gifts skimpy carnival outfits and mindy throws a fit about it for the entire night. bret is sporting his vacation weave braids. mindy eventually gets over the outfit fiasco by mounting bret and making out with him. this upsets taya.

taya and mindy's friendship continues to implode. meanwhile, how the hell did jamie slip into the top 3?

there are various dates with various combinations of duos. at one point, on a swamp boat gator date (!), jamie gets all question question about bret's intentions. she says she is looking to date, not get married after the show. he says he's looking for love. yeah, right. says the man forcing both of his swamp boat gator dates to make out with him one after the other.

there's an awkward dinner with all four. everyone's sowah. bret leads them all to the bar and scolds them for being downers. he takes jamie aside. she again says she wants to date, but not marry right away. bret, i think misunderstands her and thinks she's saying she just wants to party, while she's just saying she doesn't want a ring at the end of the show. he can't understand/believe that everybody in the world doesn't want to marry him.

eliminations. bret thinks jamie's just there to party, he wants to wrap his gut around taya, and mindy is a psychopath. first pass to mindy. jamie is called down...only to be rejected! taya is in the top 2 with mindy. all together now! LAME!

SRC: ANTM12 - bigger than ben

d'oh! i wrote this a full week ago but forgot to type it up. sorry!!

previously: everyone sucked in the commercials, but tahlia was the best at sucking, so she was sent packing.

celia finally brings up london's street preaching. i'm really surprised they didn't wear that shit out from the beginning. they probably knew she'd be around for a while and it would grow tiresome. based on the first five minutes of the show, i'm guessing aminat and london will be our bottoms. and based on the amount of jesus praising the editors are now choosing to show us, i bet london is going home.

argh! fucking shoket!! the challenge -- each girl will be the creative director for a shoot. winner gets something. i tune out whenever shoket is on screen. london's weight comes up again. she's apparently gained 10 - 15 lbs since week one. aminat sabotages herself because she got natalie as her model. aminat had some potential, but i'm soo over her. teyona surprises jay by actually being good.

the winner is the girl who came up with the strongest creative vision. ugh. shoket tries to make a sexy winky face and it's so wrong. all wrong. ugh. teyona wins and gets to appear in a seventeen magazine with two friends. she picks celia and aminat. fo is jealous she wasn't chosen. fo-sen.

seventeen shoot: sorry, because i'm starting to actually like her, but celia looks like a 30 year old trying to be 16 here. like the mom in mean girls.

jay shows up at the house at 5:30am. they get hair and makeup done there and then, randomly (but still not quite as random as clay aiken) ciara shows up. she'll be posing as herself in the photo shoot while the girls portray her best stalker whilst wrapped up in a mic cord. aminat is practically drooling on ciara. woah, and these bitches are practically nekkid.

what -- i don't understand where this weight is that london has gained? apparently it's really obvious to everyone. (Update: ok so now that i've seen side by sides, i get it. but i don't think it's something i would've noticed had it not been talked about so much) teyona does really well. aminat struggles...jay calls her the worst of the day.

london is doing a lot of God Talking. has this just been edited out previously? methinks, yes.

these tyra documentaries are getting dumber and dumber and more and more random. a naked guy comes out. there's a stupid skit. blah, blah, they're going to brazil. only six of the seven, that is. aminat and london get the worst criticism, with teyona excelling. allison starts to say that this was her favorite shoot, but then nigel's ego gets bruised and tyra threatens to give her the boot for that "slip up". the whole thing is rather disgusting.

seven beauties, six of which are brazil bound. teyona is called first. second is fo. they are followed by natalie, celia, and allison. this leaves aminat and london. (ding!) luckily, i just traded out aminat from my team. unluckily, i traded her for london. aminat has all the elements but can't make it work for pictures. london has gained weight. so who goes to brazil? aminat. no room for fatties.

picture it: hello kitty

i just went out in the rain to get my lunch, and as i was walking to my chosen eatery, i passed Hello Kitty. i mean, of course, a person in a Hello Kitty costume. i'm not too sure what she was promoting -- she was standing outside of one of those general electronic stores times square has plenty of -- but she was vigilantly standing out in the rain (with a little cover from an awning) bouncing around and waving. things were different on my return trip.

i headed back to the building with my sack of food in hand approximately 7 minutes later, excited to pass by this random Hello Kitty again. no longer was she bouncing around and enthusiastically waving, but rather she was slowly, depressingly swaying, holding her paw up. no wave, just a salute. if it took that short amount of time for her to get all depressed about the rain, i hope that a) her shift had just started and b) its only a half hour shift.

SRC: RoLB - and then there were three. lameoids.

taya talks too much. mindy starts to crack wondering if this is all a joke and if she'll actually get hurt now that she's starting to fall. i thought she was starting to fall weeks ago. then, through the tears she says "i have never even been ENGAGED!!!" is that something we all should've done by now?

big john gives the lameoids their clue -- which tells the girls to write a song to record with bret. winner gets to jet off somewhere. jet blue probs. coach. mindy stresses some more because songwriting eludes her and singing, apparently, is literally impossible for her.

beverly is up first and i think bret is pretending to play guitar along with them and the backing track. beverly has a decent voice. jamie is next and...at least has fun. taya, surprisingly -- or not considering the accusations of her being there for self promotion -- had the best voice out of all of them. mindy agrees with me on both counts. mindy practices her song with bret first and acts like a whiny baby. she then does her performance and she wasn't kidding about not being able to sing. she does a twangy talky sing song performance, then laughs and sabotages herself by saying she got lost.

mindy starts trubbies by implying that taya's penthouse promotion was a red herring of sorts, with her real goal to promote a music career. taya wins and there is dead silence and eye rolling when bret announces it. he chooses a second place winner to also go on the "jet". it's the ol' ringback tone trick to determine the winner/promote his single. beverly wins.

taya and mindy's BFFness is starting to crumble.

jamie gets the brilliant idea to pose with mindy for slutty photos for bret. "not slutty, but classy slutty" as jamie describes. too bad that brilliant idea was already had in season 1.

taya further annoys everyone and me with her nonstop nonsense yapping. bret pulls mindy aside to talk some stuff out. jamie interrupts because she barely gets bret time. mindy is pissed.

first pass goes to taya, obvs. i don't think bret realizes what he's getting with that one. jamie is next. it's between mindy and beverly. but beverly was the one who tackily asked bret to sign some teddy bears for her daughters. mindy is saved, but only after she swears to bret that her heart is in it.

god, what an awful top three.