i have had quite the evening. i guess there are three different phases to this story, so i will start off with the first and least offensive. (and trust, this train goes to offensive city and beyond.)
i was walking from my place of part-time employment to a friend's birthday gathering. i'm walking with an umbrella because it is raining (though as i walk it's slowly letting up) and i am walking, as always, with my headphones firmly planted in my ears. (***complete side note -- i was looking for a past post to reference here, because i could've sworn i wrote something in the "tales of wooing" series about how i make a point to wear headphones always [even if my battery has died] so as to send the message that i am not interested in talking to you. so i did a half-assed blog search for "ipod" and then "woo me". alas, i didn't find the post i was looking for, but in both of those searches there were posts that i'd forgotten i'd written and giggled at. that's right. i laughed at my own jokes.***)
so ok, i'm walking, headphones, umbrella. out of the corner of my eye, i see a shady looking dude in a grey hoodie cross the street towards me and start walking right next to me at my pace. i speed up to get ahead of him, and he speeds up to keep up. then he starts talking. i have not acknowledged him at all at this point. he says hi. throws his best lines out. reads off the patch on my jacket arm that says "for successful living" and then follows up with "what the fuck is that?". i continue walking without acknowledging him because i'm trying to send the message to all the lowlifes in the world that if a girl has headphones in her ear, she doesn't want to be talked to nor can she 'hear' you. so then he's all "it's not even raining anymore." he then changes tactic and starts speaking spanish. he says "my family has lived here thirty years, how about you?" i keep walking. he is still next to me, though i've been speeding up and slowing down. then he says "are you muslim? you can't talk to guys or something?' LIKE FUCKING TAKE A HINT DUDE. i find an opportunity to break into a fast walk and leave him in my dust.
i hang out at my friend's gathering. everything is wonderful. i head out because i'm already at my pumpkin time and must head to the train. i stand on the side of the platform that my exit will be at, and prepare for a lengthy wait. after about a minute i see a guy probably in his 20's approaching. he's making some motion with his hand and i don't think anything of it. then he is much closer. and his penis is in his hand. and he is fucking. masturbating. whilst walking toward me on the subway platform. so i immediately look straight ahead and walk closer to the center of the platform where there are some other people. the whole time i'm waiting for the train (which actually wasn't that bad considering the time) i'm looking left for the train, right to make sure masturbating manny isn't headed back my way (he walked right past me initially, so it wasn't like he was coming towards me. [no pun intended. i didn't catch that piece of genius until i was rereading through this]). a train starts to come. and OF COURSE it's the fucking G train. UGH! the g train. my nemesis. ruins everything! then out of my right side, i see a guy in a cap and jacket heading back toward me. i'm pretty sure it's masturbating manny, but i didn't really look at him too clearly initially, so it could be a different guy in a cap and jacket. he seems to look at me, so i move a couple columns closer to the center. he follows. i'm like fucking great. i move closer to some bigger, friendly looking dudes and then lucky for me the train comes.
i make a point to be far enough away from this guy that i'm in a completely different car and he can't see where i get off. i walk onto the subway car making sure no eyes are following me and the first thing i see is a fucking pile of shit-looking vomit on the seat in front of me. awesome. i take a sharp left and find a seat.
when the train pulls in to my stop and i get out, i'm in the middle of the platform. i always ride at the front of the train, since that's next to my exit, so i now have to walk back toward the front. i notice an asian man probably in his 40's or 50's get out of the same car as i. he's walking ahead of me, but i pass him with a swift walk because i just want to get home. and here it starts again. i don't know if somebody sprayed me with pheromones today or something -- and might i just take this moment to point out that on the Sara Hotness Scale (the hottest i can look is a 10, the homeliest a 1), i was probably rockin' a five or six today. nothing special. yeah, i had on a boob shirt, but i also had my jacket zipped up literally to my chin. i'm wearing jeans and pumas. my hair is in a ponytail, my bangs are clipped back, and i have a fuzzy hair halo that the humidity has been so lovely as to gift me with...so let's just keep this in mind here.
so this guy pulls the same thing as the first guy, nicely bookending my night. he picks up his pace to walk near me. i hear him saying words, but i don't know what he's saying. then he starts speaking in his language, but again, even though my ipod has died at this point, i am ignoring him. headphones on, sara closed. then he starts whistling. he rotates these three things -- random english words, something in his language, whistles -- as though he were doing reps in a gym. i have picked up my pace and am walking a good distance in front of him. i take this opportunity to grasp my umbrella in my right hand. i can deliver a stronger umbrella blow with this arm, and it also leaves me free to break out my killer left hook. seriously. i am waiting to punch someone and this guy i think is asking for it. you'll see.
he somehow catches up to me (i think i slowed again once i thought i'd lost him). he crosses in front of me so that i have no choice but to acknowledge his presence. he gives me a big smile and a big thumbs up. i kind of laugh at him and nod, like, 'great'. then i keep walking. he motions at me again, and gives more thumbs up. a double this time. and i just look away this time. he motions for me to take my headphones off and i put on my bitch face, take off one earphone and say "what." he asks me how old i am. i have hit stairs at this point and jog up them ahead of him. he jogs up behind me and then says the following fucking words to me:
"Two hundred? Two hundred dollar??"
i give him the meanest bitch face i can muster, tell him "i don't know what the fuck you're talking about" and leave him in my dust.
guys. seriously this actually happened to me. !