Ok, so our buddy Bret has lost two lady loves because he's too much of a rock star, man, to be held down by love. so this season, we're going on tour. the weave is back, the bandanna's back, the diabeetus is back. 20 "hot" girls will join him on tour. i bet you only 2 of them are hot. maybe. at each city, they'll dump some deadweight bitches. wasn't this a challenge on previous rock of loves? big john is also back.
we meet the girls at coyote bar in louisville, kentucky. i'm not gonna commit any names to memory yet because he always wipes out a big number first. there's a girl with pierced dimples. what is the purpose of that? bret says he'll give up if he doesn't find love this season with this silicone sack of winners. bret thinks these girls are gorgeous. *shudder* there's a girl that looks like a mix between angelique and daisy. my eyes!!
there's the requisite backstage pass photo session with noted fashion photographer bret michaels. seriously, these girls are disgusting. umm, daisalique pulls out her lyrics sheet (so she can rap to bret while he takes her picture, obvs) and the words "GENITAL HERPES" are in plain view on the paper. bret tells us he read "genital herpes instructions" another girl also saw "GONORRHEA". Gross. Awesome. this girl that screams penthouse pet and is literally wearing a shirt that says "penthouse pet" tells bret first thing that she's a penthouse pet and acts like it was a secret. her posing pantsless prompts others to bare everything. these poor girls.
bret has a "show" to "get to" so the girls pick between two buses. it seems like the slutty girls choose the pink bus and the "cool girls" (aka brunettes) are on the blue. a fight breaks out on the pink bus because one of the brunettes snuck on. drinks are poured on heads, tears are shed. pan to the awesome blue bus where the down to earth brunettes and one blonde turncoat are havin a grand old time.
after party time! time for some drunk bitches!!! there's drinking, there's fighting, there's name calling. bret comes in without a voice. rock and roll.
uhmmm...oookkayy...so i theenk daisalique took a test tube shot and possibly, uh...took the shot out of another contestant's err, umm, uh, how do you say...vageen.
the girls get to their next hotel and split in their three rooms by the three cliques. as one of the slutty blonds tells us, the cliques are as follows: the blontourage (her clique)--those that are blond (and the brunette with dimple piercings, i think) who make out with each other all the time, the "semi crazy" girls -- the girls that click with the blontourage and probably make out with each other on occasion. and the "zombie girls" which are the rest of the brunettes and 1.5 blonds who probably made out with each other once in college. some girls drink as they wait for bret. and the brazilian one throws up. then she makes out with bret and he loves it. gross.
so then there's another fight. the brazilian throws chips on a blond called ashley. this ashley pours a beer over the brazilian's head. the brazilian chokes her. bad ass.
elimination time. five girls are getting cut. bret says we're doing things differently tonight because of the urgent time constrains of a rigorous bret michaels tour schedule. marcy (brunette), heather (blond/brunette), stephanie (blond member of the brunette team), brittaney (semi-crazy blond), Nikki (Daisalique), Gia (blontourage, vagina shot glass), and Marcia (brazil) are called. the remaining 13 are given their passes and told they are safe. these girls are so drunk. well the blond ones are. marcia the brazilian and her vomit breath are saved. one more herpes-filled slot remains. and that slot goes to brittaney the blond semi-crazy ex-porn star whose listed as "Jasmineva" on fafarazzi. so two hot messes are sent packing along with the 3 brunette members (though 1.5 of them were blond). those three were actually three of the hotter ones too. bret's crazy.