SRC: RoLB - all hail the prom queen

bret takes mindy and taya to the dominican republic. mindy is all "crazy crazy crazy". taya is all "boring boring crazy fake fake". mindy and bret learn to tango and then tango behind closed doors (ifyaknowwhatimean). taya and bret go ziplining but she's too much of a "lady" to stay the night with him. there are flashbacks from the whole season and damn this season has taken forever. bret makes the girls each choose an engagement ring. and then he chooses taya. but he decides not to give her the ring just yet. because i mean...taya? really?

SRC: RoLB - zzzzzzzzzzzz

ohmygod rock of love ended WEEKS ago and i just can't get through this. bret chose the LAMEST top three in the history of all reality shows which translates to boring recaps. so let's just breeze through this, shall we?

previously: bret booted the last interesting trainwreck person he had and we're stuck with a top three of jamie, taya and mindy. when mindy is your best option...you have a problem.

this winning trio ditch the pink bus and head to miami. bret gifts skimpy carnival outfits and mindy throws a fit about it for the entire night. bret is sporting his vacation weave braids. mindy eventually gets over the outfit fiasco by mounting bret and making out with him. this upsets taya.

taya and mindy's friendship continues to implode. meanwhile, how the hell did jamie slip into the top 3?

there are various dates with various combinations of duos. at one point, on a swamp boat gator date (!), jamie gets all question question about bret's intentions. she says she is looking to date, not get married after the show. he says he's looking for love. yeah, right. says the man forcing both of his swamp boat gator dates to make out with him one after the other.

there's an awkward dinner with all four. everyone's sowah. bret leads them all to the bar and scolds them for being downers. he takes jamie aside. she again says she wants to date, but not marry right away. bret, i think misunderstands her and thinks she's saying she just wants to party, while she's just saying she doesn't want a ring at the end of the show. he can't understand/believe that everybody in the world doesn't want to marry him.

eliminations. bret thinks jamie's just there to party, he wants to wrap his gut around taya, and mindy is a psychopath. first pass to mindy. jamie is called down...only to be rejected! taya is in the top 2 with mindy. all together now! LAME!

SRC: RoLB - and then there were three. lameoids.

taya talks too much. mindy starts to crack wondering if this is all a joke and if she'll actually get hurt now that she's starting to fall. i thought she was starting to fall weeks ago. then, through the tears she says "i have never even been ENGAGED!!!" is that something we all should've done by now?

big john gives the lameoids their clue -- which tells the girls to write a song to record with bret. winner gets to jet off somewhere. jet blue probs. coach. mindy stresses some more because songwriting eludes her and singing, apparently, is literally impossible for her.

beverly is up first and i think bret is pretending to play guitar along with them and the backing track. beverly has a decent voice. jamie is next and...at least has fun. taya, surprisingly -- or not considering the accusations of her being there for self promotion -- had the best voice out of all of them. mindy agrees with me on both counts. mindy practices her song with bret first and acts like a whiny baby. she then does her performance and she wasn't kidding about not being able to sing. she does a twangy talky sing song performance, then laughs and sabotages herself by saying she got lost.

mindy starts trubbies by implying that taya's penthouse promotion was a red herring of sorts, with her real goal to promote a music career. taya wins and there is dead silence and eye rolling when bret announces it. he chooses a second place winner to also go on the "jet". it's the ol' ringback tone trick to determine the winner/promote his single. beverly wins.

taya and mindy's BFFness is starting to crumble.

jamie gets the brilliant idea to pose with mindy for slutty photos for bret. "not slutty, but classy slutty" as jamie describes. too bad that brilliant idea was already had in season 1.

taya further annoys everyone and me with her nonstop nonsense yapping. bret pulls mindy aside to talk some stuff out. jamie interrupts because she barely gets bret time. mindy is pissed.

first pass goes to taya, obvs. i don't think bret realizes what he's getting with that one. jamie is next. it's between mindy and beverly. but beverly was the one who tackily asked bret to sign some teddy bears for her daughters. mindy is saved, but only after she swears to bret that her heart is in it.

god, what an awful top three.

SRC: ROLB - and down goes the blondtourage

so i accidentally erased this episode after watching it with a friend, forgetting that i still needed to take notes on it. woopsiedoodles. it's a shame too, because it really was an awesome episode. bret again brought the exes back to spill secrets. taya's ex "jaz" was literally a crazy man..who probably enjoys hitting women. ashley's ex burst out with the one thing that's made ashley visibly nervous and freaked out --- the truth bitches! apparently he's her baby daddy and they live together and eff all the time! brittanya's ex was a booty call that got her so riled up in her interrogation with heather and ambre (!) that she took a swipe at the former and spit on the latter. mindy's ex kind of showed that mindy is maybe a cool person and should save herself from bret's clutches, since she is kind of a frontrunner now. jamie -- you know i can't even remember much of what happened with jamie except that she wore a shimmery gold scarf on her head the entire episode. and beverly flipped out way more than necessary about the fact that her ex didn't have enough respect for her to show up to be interrogated. or maybe he just didn't want it all to go down on a trashy vh1 show. she seriously brought this up about 12 times, always drunk and crying about it. i don't believe she did anything besides that in the episode. anyway, bret was pissed that brittanya treated his friends heather and ambre like shit, so he dumped her. and because of the fishy situation with ashley's "ex", bret lost all faith in her and left her ass too. which really shocked me. but she also was acting completely different with bff farrah gone. oh, and also hilariously, during heather and ambre's interrogation, heather was super wasted. and she still blocked brittanya's first punch. awesome. also notable, there are only brunettes left. surprise surprise.

anywho, i suggest y'all head to rich at vh1 or potes subber sara m at twop (who unfortunately is not me) for some good recaps on the actual episode, since i was silly and erased the it.

SRC: RoLBus - Oh, piss

Previously: Kelsey suddenly was awesome but was then eliminated.

the girls head to panama city. florida. it's time to consolidate, so everyone is herded to the pink bus. both the blondes and the brunettes are offended at this. mindy says goodbye to the brunette's safe haven and the blue bus says bye to mindy. really. it talks and flashes its headlights. big john brings the girls bikinis and they attack him like a pack of lions on a helpless zebra. the girls meet bret at a kiddie pool. he tells them he's giving some army ladies a day off while the girls take care of their kids. we learn that brittanya has a kid. lord help that child. isn't it weird that a total dumbhead slut like brittanya can have a child but perfectly well adjusted gay couples can't in some states. we learn that actually most of these skanks have at least one kid. but what's actually surprising is that ashley is great with kids and seems like she's probably a good mom. the children vote and it's between ashley and taya. bret ultimately makes the final decision and ashley wins the big solo date. her first, which is another surprise.

beverly downs a lot of vodka and then the whole group goes out to a bar. beverly gets kind of passive aggressive with bret. he tells her she has anger issues. bret then wonders if farrah is just there to party and make out with ashley. they head back on the bus where bret is all handsy and mouthsy with everyone and beverly sits furious in a corner. they all go to a beach bonfire, leaving bev on the bus. mindy and taya are disgusted by bret making out with brittanya and ashley at the same time. they go to the bathroom and then the hot tub. topless. beverly eventually joins the party, gets disgusted with bret, yells some shit and leaves again. ashley, brittanya, and farrah run to pee, and thus bret is left alone with jamie. they of course make out. isn't anybody worried about the herp?

mindy and taya shower together and gossip about someone. farrah assumes its her, pulls the shower curtain on them, and then bitches them out. then ashley pours salsa in mindy's suitcase (over the line and so uncalled for). then brittanya joins them in pouring shampoo/mousse/other bathroom products on them. mindy and taya get their own new hotel room for their troubles.

ashley meets up with bret, who says she looks "all kind of awesome." hmm. they go ATVing (RIP leroi moore) through the dunes to a lunch table. he talks about some people being there for the wrong reasons and ashley knows he's totally talking about farrah and is upset about it. look at that, a true friendship.

bret has a couple one on ones whilst at the hotel gym, pretending to lift weights. farrah and beverly both have a chat with him as he tries to suss out their intentions.

eliminations. ashley, of course, gets the first pass because she's totally winning this. jamie is called second for that beach makeout session. mindy is third, followed by brittanya and beverly. this leaves farrah and taya. he is dubious of both of their intentions and commitment to him, wondering if they are just there for the party and the air time, respectively. in the end, he calls farrah down and dumps her ass. sad for ashley.

WRC: ROLB - pole arteests

Previously: Jenny - we hardly knew ya

taya makes a big announcement about how she's the Pet of the Year. I thought we already knew this? No, really, she's saying she just found out, but she already told Bret this.

the bitches arrive at truck stop games. there will be three teams of three. there will be trucker judges. there is promise of an awesome date as a prize. the girls suit up. or down, rather. one team member must bellyflop into a vat of bret's brew, the clearest beer 'round here. the second game involves a stripper pole. everyone clamors to be their team representative for this challenge, comparing dancing and pole experience. and woah, talk about not what you expected. first off, brittanya is elected as the green team rep because she is a go-go dancer...but she apparently doesn't go-go anywhere near a pole because she sucks. she can't do a thing. does this girl have any positives? then megan mullaly-ish kami is all 'let me let me' (over Ashley) and if you would've asked me if kami could outpole ashley, i would've laughed in your face. but what we all didn't know is that kami has 10 years stripping experience (sad) and possesses the magical ability to float around the pole with ease. who knew? and then taya gets up there and like...with the legs. i mean, maybe it's because i've never been to a strip club, but did you all know they did this?

the third game is a hot dog relay. even though the blue team did better in this game, farrah showed her boobs and kissed a trucker, so the yellow team was declared the weiners. (see what i did there?)

bret meets with the girls to show him he's a fair guy and knows the judges were swayed by farrah's assets, so he will also spend some time on his bus with the blue team, aka the true winners (ashley, beverly, kami). they talk about jealousy. then he sings to thme. ugh. FF. woah. OMG. so bret and ashley start making out, then all four go back to his room, then apparently ashley just immediately dropped trou. hmm, we didn't get any more details aside from kami being uncomfortable and pissed about the whole situation. she approaches bret and tells him she wants to leave. bret's all "can't hate the playah!" so, two of the three newbies are out. the other winning team heads to an amusement park. they are amused.

so, they all go to bret's show. (AGAIN) farrah and kelsey start the night wasted. big john asks them to be on their best behavior. farrah and kelsey hump each other in the VIP section with all the impressionable young fans watching. then they make out and destroy the VIP area (with ashley's help). big john gets angry and scolds farrah and kelsey by sternly reminding them he asked them not to be slutty. then he grounds them to their bus. kelsey gets PISSED, flips out, flees the bus, and lies on a speed bump, crying in the middle of the parking lot. she says she wants to go home and doesn't want bret. she tries to reject big john's attempts at a conversation. he acts like a therapist and tells her she has a chance. he convinces her to stay. maybe he has found a new calling.

six of the girls are presentable at elimination. 'presentable' being used loosely. the other three are super wasted and can barely stand. wasted ashley is hilarious. i might actually love ashley. but not in a way where i'd ever want to hang out with her. bret calls kelsey down first and she laughingly stumbles toward him. he gives her the whole "this road is too tough for a broad like you" spiel and ashley and farrah drop their jaws. though i'm sure ashley was tempted to drop her panties. anyway, kelsey is dumped, everyone is shocked. and THEN! as she is sent to pack her things, ashley whispers to farrah "I don't think she has any of my clothes." awesome. ashley is awesome. what a true friend. she and farrah get a warning from bret and he sends everyone on their way.

WRC: RoLB - we hardly knew ye

previously: natasha was too much like a buddy to bret. a male buddy. bret banged ashley, charming her by telling her that he liked her in a hot sexy girlfriend way. three new girls were introduced to the tour, but i still haven't learned their names. except i know kami is the fuggo.

the brunettes hate the blonds. the blonds think the brunettes are fat.

one of the new girls (who wears a pancake layer of makeup to bed, apparently) starts to miss her recently deceased father and questions going on the show. better not let bret hear that. the girls head to nashville and are asked to even out their buses. brittanya, formerly of pink, deflects to the blue bus, where she should have been in the first place, obviously, with her brunette head. kami (also a brown head) changes buses as well.

Bret's Mudbowl! Yes! I hope no one pops an implant today. something hilarious is that the closest thing the pink team has to a natural blond is kelsey, who has light brown hair. but there's such brunette hatred. i guess we get to see what these bitches look like pre-peroxide when this mud gets everywhere. teams are split up by bus, and the winning team gets a group date, while the MVP (who can come from either team) gets a sleepover date. i would lose on purpose. these bitches are vicious. they kick each other's asses, of course ripping clothes off along the way. it looks like mindy might be headed to MVPville. the game goes on forever. blue bus finally wins and the MVP is between ashley and mindy. mindy gets the mini trophy and the dallas date.

there is more drama about new blond's dead dad. meanwhile, the dallas date bret took mindy on is just a bret michaels concert. man, he loves himself. they go back to the hotel. there's making out, there's leopard print lingerie, i'm thoroughly disgusted.

so, mindy comes back from her date and the girls spew hate rays at her. bret is in high spirits until Something Happens. He gets a letter saying a buddy was killed in Iraq. I'm kinda getting the feeling this guys was less a buddy and more a fan. insensitive? maybe. true? i'm pretty sure of it.

all the girls on the winning team, save for mindy, get to meet up with bret. he tells them about his buddy and reveals this was a guy he "got close with" during his three week visit to iraq. so i was kinda right. everyone is all downer now. bret requests some time with brittanya. again, he tries to get her to talk, and again she says nothing. she is so dumb. like, there is nothing going on in there. at least she knows it.

jenny (new blond) spills her guts to bret about her dead pa. bret barely keeps his eyes open but is all "i'm listenin', i'm listenin'"

eliminations. bret calls taya first. mindy is all "i thought Bret gave the first pass to the girl he's feelin' the most, so where's my pass?" which translates to "bret always gives the first pass to the one he banged the night before, so where's my pass?" mindy is called second. maybe taya snuck into his room. next, bret calls kami (? why), beverly, jamie, ashley, and farrah. this leaves Brittanya, jenny, and kelsey. kelsey is safe. so, it's between the hot idiot and the dad drama. bret calls brittanya and asks her if she wants to be there. she's smart enough to know to answer him this time, but dumb enough to say yes. brittanya gets the final pass, and jenny goes home. and i finally learned her name.

ha! instead of walking jenny off the set, bret walks her back to the platform and then peaces out with big john. ha. what a gent.

WRC: RoLB - Tutu ya later

preevs: marcia was wasted all the time, most likely to make the idea of hooking up with bret palatable. but that didn't work so she went home.

the girls head to st. louis. ashley and farrah decide to hate natasha because they don't like her face or her low "man voice". bret isn't feeling a special-time connection with any of the girls, so he cooks up a scheme. the girls are taken to the hustler club and ashley feels excited and comforted at the sight of stripper poles. bret brings out three girls that are "in need of makeovers" and assigns one to each group. let's just say the wardrobe people could've done a more convincing job here. it must be the same stylists that turned the girls fug for RoL: Charm School. the winning captain gets a date with bret. Jamie comes out and bret praises her bralessness. then he says that bras should never have been invented. do you think he's ever seen natural boobs that had been braless lifelong? i don't. jenny comes out, followed by kami -- who looks a little like megan mullally, but not in any sort of positive way.

bret chooses all three as winners, so he'll go on a date with all the cap'ns. god forbid he ever has to go on a date with just one person. he also says that the three new girls will join them on the tour. some girls are stunned, others clap. bret's ego is bruised by the clappers.

natasha says she doesn't mind making friends here. so you know she's probably going home, because rule 1 of reality tv is that you aren't there to make friends. ashley goes to bret and airs her complaints about this plot twist. she also says she thinks natasha's a man. she thinks she wears tutus all the time to hide her junk. she complains about not getting time with bret, so he says he'll make time for her.

the team cap'ns go on a riverboating date, and bret proposes that he may just like these 3 in a friends with benefits way and not a relationship way. meaning, he'll bang them, but he doesn't like being around them. bret takes mindy aside and tells her he thinks she's awesome. they make out and the way it starts is seriously one of the grossest kisses i've ever seen. bret tilts his head, opens his mouth, then moves in.

the three new girls go to the others to try and make friends and brittanya flips the fuck out. bret comes back from his date and hangs with the "3 news". beverly confronts bret about his motive behind bringing the new girls. bret then basically admits he did this to get a rise out of the girls, but was pissed when they clapped at his announcement. he throws a fit and goes to hang out with ashley on the bus. he sings her a bad song, tells her he likes her in a "hot sexy girlfriend way", then presumably bangs her.

woah, speaking of WO-man, farrah, you are not so ladylike without all your makeup. new girls get new jeans and a bowling date. they tell bret how brittanya got all crazy, so bret gets turned on. then they tell him how she said she'd hit kami and doesn't care if that would send her home. that's another ego bruising.

bret is in the weight room and brittanya comes in and what. is. she. wearing. it's like...what. a belt with suspenders made out of tinsel. for real. that's it. i would've loved to see her eye this in the store, hold it out and consider it, hold it up to her body to see if it 'fits'. bret's all "talk to me" and brittanya speaks her mind. meaning, she has not a thing to say. finally, he prompts her to talk about her feelings about the new girls. she's not happy about it.

eliminations. the new girls are all safe, as is ashley. bret then calls mindy, taya, beverley, kelsey, and farrah. this leaves natasha and brittanya. but only one of them is wearing a belt with suspenders which, unlike the tutu, leaves little room to imagine any unwanted male parts. natasha goes home and dimples is safe another week.

WRC: RoLB - Tchau

Previously - hockey, strippers, Lacey, and crazy brittaney/jasmineva got the boot.

big john gathers everyone around and says that maria had some medical condition and needed to be rushed to the hospital in the middle of the night. yuh oh. i wonder if it had anything to do with how often she stated she was an ex-model. i was pretty repetitious when i had a concussion. big john's all "bret's going to bang her in her hospital bed and then we out." tour must go on, i guess. she probably would've won.

the girls head to chicago where they (and we) yet again have to endure Bret's "show". marcia, as usual, starts drinking early. she also has bruises all over her. what a mess. they are all actually wearing lingerie for this daytime event. for the challenge, they must dismantle and pack a stage in two teams. winning team gets a date and vip treatment. marcia is the odd girl out after teams are chosen, so not only does she not have to do the challenge, but she'll get vip treatment with the winning team. oh piss, i think someone's gonna pee herself. oh, she makes it to the bathroom. phew.

OH SNAP!! Bwahahahaha... So taya ex-penthouse is wrapping cords and directing people like a pro, and bret's telling her to be careful, because she's too sexy for him to lose, and she backs straight of the platform. haha. ouch. i rewind and rewatch about seven times. and then vh1 replays it another five. awesome. she gets right back up all "it's coo" with like, little birdies flying around her head. then she maniacally pulls things apart whilst crying. again, i must repeat, they're all in lingerie.

marcia, idiot, pulls bret aside and tells him she's not in love with him. well, duh, dummy, but you don't tell him. he's just a fragile old man. the red team -- ashley, brittanya, natasha and beverly join marcia for VIP treatment.

have i mentioned that marcia's boobs have been blurred in every frame she's in this challenge? they get lavished with gifts. the losing team gets four cell phones and whoever has the phone that rings bret michael's latest tune (aka the RoL theme song) wins a slot with the VIPs. so basically, bret could only get 6 backstage passes to his own show, and this was the roundabout way of determining the 6. kelsey is the winningest of the losers and poor farrah is stuck with lameoids taya and mindy. she can use the time to think of new catchphrases.

my suspicions were correct! this IS the Rock of Love Bus Tour. i think bret was like "send me on a tour and i'll bang some bitches on camera for you." but neither would exist without the other. what a paradox. like the chicken and the egg. uh oh. marcia gives away her VIP bracelet gift to some random crowd member.

so, bret's a tired old man. he goes to take a nap while his band parties with the girls. ashley spots beverly kissing bret's drummer (after kissing farrah herself, but in bret's world, that doesn't count)

the vips go on their date to some brewery to sample 'bret's brew'. bret brings up beverly and the drummer and she awkwardly denies any memory of that. then he is told of marcia's regifting.

eliminations. beverly thinks she's out. first up is ashley. ashley looks like a mix of Ev from the RR/RW challenge and ellie from degrassi. farrah, natasha, and kelsey are all safe. don't worry guys, all blondes are in. taya is in. at the very least for that spectacular fall. brittanya is also safe. bret sends big john and the remaining passes away, so that everyone thinks three people are getting cut. he gets all dramatic, but eventually saves beverly and mindy. which means brazil is out! as tom cruise would say, Adios!

WRC: RoLB - sorry!

umm..so due to some circumstances, even though i was down to five shows on my dvr, i'm back up to 30 and behind again. instead of giving up on my beloved rock of love bus, though, i'm just giving a brief 'top o' the noodle' the recap of the episode from two weeks ago, and will hopefully have this week's recap to you by sunday. yes no?

blah blah, sluts, boobs, suitcases. bret meets the girls at an ice rink. they must protect baby bret by shooting him into goals worth various points. lacey is back yet again (guess she has some time off from being 'a musician') to lead some school's hockey club against the girls. melissa pops her implant. i'm dead serious. one team with four girls wins, they go to a strip club. beverly is a total beverly about it and, surprise! turns out she has three kids. yikes. the girls are kind of upset about their prize date being at a strip club with zero alone time, but mostly they're excited to be dancing on a real stripper pole. except beverly.

at the hotel everyone's drunk and crazy. brittaney is actually crazy and it turns out she took the girls' sweaty hockey socks and stashed them in her bunk. melissa calls her boyfriend in the middle of the night (idiot) to complain about how she has no connection with bret and how he has extensions and he looks really old. the girls rat on her so at elimination after she tells bret she's not feeling it, he tells her to get the fuck out. then he calls various girls until beverly and brittaney are left. brittaney proves to be too crazy, so she's given the boot. and then she just stands there like a creep, smiling, after everyone is long gone.

WRC: RoLB - weddings!

Previously - there were fake boobs, there was drinking, there were fights. a girl took a shot from another's "shot glass". (fun fact; in one of the songs i wrote for slutfire, there is a line that went "take a drink from my shot glass" wherein shot glass = vagina. the word "shot" was taken out, but the point remains: great minds.)

a girl named megan says she won't get half naked for bret's affection. guys, i bet megan's going home. marcia opts to move to the blue bus with the rest of the brunettes. brittany/jasmineva shows off some more of her crazy. i hope she makes it far on the show. marcia decides that she's not drinking anymore. we'll see. (spoiler alert, she drinks later.) the girls have to write their wedding vows to bret and present him with a gift. he's serious this time, guys. costandina is working on a belly dancing routine. either that or she's constandinly undulating.

they meet bret at a rock 'n roll chapel. he says in the chapel are wedding dresses and "assessories" that they must choose between for their respective weddings. bret wears his tuxedo tank top and the girls take turns walking down the aisle. farrah has borrowed mystery's jamiroquai hat for the occasion. beverly refused to put on the sexy wear and instead chose to be a total beverly and went barefoot, wearing jeans and like, a snowboarding jacket. (turns out it's a motocross jacket.) i think beverly, like bret, might be in it for the girls.

bret chooses the three that most impressed him and they win a group date. he chooses taya (penthouse pet), brittanya (pierced dimples), and farrah (jamiroquai hat) everyone gathers for the reception. each girl gives bret a lap dance. i've been to a birthday party like that. i have pictures.

it's VIP pass time! instant access, whenever, wherever. they must answer a series of riddles to get the passes, but they're all too dumb for this game, so bret just chooses three. The passes go to Natasha (who is black, which will come up later), Brittanya, and Taya. Brittany/Jasmineva is all upset because she gave a good effort trying to answer questions, but she doesn't realize that everyone else thinks she's batshit crazy (she is). she overhears natasha talking about her, so she screams at natasha that bret only chose her because she's black. yuh oh. then, when natasha rightly gets angry at this, brittaney starts crying and says that she can't be racist because her grandfather is black. uh...ok...

the winners of the vow challenge meet bret at a pumpkin patch for a hay ride date. brittanya stupidly uses her VIP pass during this date where she is one of four people.

bret takes time to hang with some of the girls he knows little about. it is here where constandina confesses she took a religious vow not to have "all the way" sex for three years. guys, i think constandina is going home.

eliminations: 3 skanks are getting left. brittanya is called first, others follow until Brittaney, Melissa, Marcia, Constandina, Samantha (?) and Megan remain. he calls down the former three and after much ballyhoo, he says they are safe. so, as predicted, megan and constandina are out, as well as samantha...who i'm really not sure i knew was there in the first place.

WRC: Rock of Love Bus - Premiere

Ok, so our buddy Bret has lost two lady loves because he's too much of a rock star, man, to be held down by love. so this season, we're going on tour. the weave is back, the bandanna's back, the diabeetus is back. 20 "hot" girls will join him on tour. i bet you only 2 of them are hot. maybe. at each city, they'll dump some deadweight bitches. wasn't this a challenge on previous rock of loves? big john is also back.

we meet the girls at coyote bar in louisville, kentucky. i'm not gonna commit any names to memory yet because he always wipes out a big number first. there's a girl with pierced dimples. what is the purpose of that? bret says he'll give up if he doesn't find love this season with this silicone sack of winners. bret thinks these girls are gorgeous. *shudder* there's a girl that looks like a mix between angelique and daisy. my eyes!!

there's the requisite backstage pass photo session with noted fashion photographer bret michaels. seriously, these girls are disgusting. umm, daisalique pulls out her lyrics sheet (so she can rap to bret while he takes her picture, obvs) and the words "GENITAL HERPES" are in plain view on the paper. bret tells us he read "genital herpes instructions" another girl also saw "GONORRHEA". Gross. Awesome. this girl that screams penthouse pet and is literally wearing a shirt that says "penthouse pet" tells bret first thing that she's a penthouse pet and acts like it was a secret. her posing pantsless prompts others to bare everything. these poor girls.

bret has a "show" to "get to" so the girls pick between two buses. it seems like the slutty girls choose the pink bus and the "cool girls" (aka brunettes) are on the blue. a fight breaks out on the pink bus because one of the brunettes snuck on. drinks are poured on heads, tears are shed. pan to the awesome blue bus where the down to earth brunettes and one blonde turncoat are havin a grand old time.

after party time! time for some drunk bitches!!! there's drinking, there's fighting, there's name calling. bret comes in without a voice. rock and roll.

uhmmm...oookkayy...so i theenk daisalique took a test tube shot and possibly, uh...took the shot out of another contestant's err, umm, uh, how do you say...vageen.

the girls get to their next hotel and split in their three rooms by the three cliques. as one of the slutty blonds tells us, the cliques are as follows: the blontourage (her clique)--those that are blond (and the brunette with dimple piercings, i think) who make out with each other all the time, the "semi crazy" girls -- the girls that click with the blontourage and probably make out with each other on occasion. and the "zombie girls" which are the rest of the brunettes and 1.5 blonds who probably made out with each other once in college. some girls drink as they wait for bret. and the brazilian one throws up. then she makes out with bret and he loves it. gross.

so then there's another fight. the brazilian throws chips on a blond called ashley. this ashley pours a beer over the brazilian's head. the brazilian chokes her. bad ass.

elimination time. five girls are getting cut. bret says we're doing things differently tonight because of the urgent time constrains of a rigorous bret michaels tour schedule. marcy (brunette), heather (blond/brunette), stephanie (blond member of the brunette team), brittaney (semi-crazy blond), Nikki (Daisalique), Gia (blontourage, vagina shot glass), and Marcia (brazil) are called. the remaining 13 are given their passes and told they are safe. these girls are so drunk. well the blond ones are. marcia the brazilian and her vomit breath are saved. one more herpes-filled slot remains. and that slot goes to brittaney the blond semi-crazy ex-porn star whose listed as "Jasmineva" on fafarazzi. so two hot messes are sent packing along with the 3 brunette members (though 1.5 of them were blond). those three were actually three of the hotter ones too. bret's crazy.

the mystery of brandi c

my tv tastes range from the trashiest lows to the classiest highs, so forgive me for stepping into the dumpster for a second here. i was watching the rock of love: charm school reunion last night like a classy lady (btw, prepare yourself for rock of love bus. with names like Brittanya, Constandina and Jasmineva, how can it not be in reality corner) and something very odd happened. Megan was brought down to the stage for her time with Sharon. first let me share my feelings about megan--

it is hard not to hate her, but it is also hard to not think about how much she's fucking with people because the producers asked her to (rumor is she was dating one of the producers for a while). there are times i hate her, but also times that i love her. she is not what she seems -- she's brilliant and hilarious and at times she can be awesome, but she's definitely a villain. so, proving how much she gives a shit, she stumbled onto the stage drunker than i've ever seen her. that's saying a lot, considering that her two staples on her three shows have been a bikini and a drink in her hand. so first of all, as she's getting out of her seat to head to the stage, brandi c is next to her SOBBING. this, on the contrary, is not saying a lot, because brandi c is always crying about something like her puppy just died. nobody on screen paid this any mind, so i just kind of forgot about it. UNTIL megan's interview with sharon (just before she insulted ozzy and sharon threw a drink on her and kicked her ass) -- this is when i heard brandi c scream-crying in the background. from the sound of it, she had been taken backstage. again, nobody on camera acknowledged this at all. when they panned back to the gaggle of contestants in their seats, brandi c was mysteriously absent.

did anybody see/notice this? what was brandi c freaking out about? did she know megan was trashed, which could only lead to trouble? (brandi c and megan's bff-ness is a love story for the ages) did her puppy actually die? will i ever know the answer?

WRC: PH2 - They DO Kind of Look Alike

Sorry for my tardiness this week. i'm gonna try and figure out the best day to put these up and start doing that. Especially with both Pussycat Dolls and Top Model starting up this week. I'll keep it up as long as I can.

Oh my god, after the longest previouslys ever, we finally get started. Oh, oops...I thought they were over, but we're still going over everything that happened last week. Sheesh, we KNOW! After all this recapping, they STILL show us the footage we saw at the end of last week's episode, except now we see what happens after Chelsea and Ryan go behind closed doors.

Paradise Hotel List of Amazing:
14. Chelsea is totally drunk here as she and ryan alternate between making out and talking about why they didn't just pick each other in the first place. Little do they know, some of the other guests are spying on them. Also, the other guests are bitter. What ever happened to "sharing is caring"?

15. James whines like a little bitch about Chelsea hooking up with Ryan.

16. The other girls are DISGUSTED with Chelsea it seems. What?!? As if they all weren't trying to get some ass on their own. chelsea's just playing the game. We saw you rolling around pleading your empty room for sex, Tanya. Chelsea is trying to explain herself, saying she wanted to hook up with james, but needed to be drunk (!) and then just ended up hooking up with the wrong guy. she then hilariously adds "they kind of look alike!"

17. Tanya and Chelsea pretty much go after the same men. I think they both liked Mike first, but then James (then both picked James) and today we find out that Tanya was starting to like Ryan when Chelsea hooked up with him. What a coincidence. So now, Tanya gets to choose her two individual dates, and she picks Ryan and Mike. This is so high school. I love it.

18. Tanya pointedly tells Ryan on their private date that she doesn't need alcohol to make out with someone (hint, hint, Chelsea).

19. The virgin wonders if, because she doesn't want to give it up, she'll be the first one out of a game where people are just trying to sleep with each other.

20. Tanya shows us just how true #18 is by making out with Mike.

21. Mike thinks he's so slick but do you think that'll change when he watches the show and realizes he's balding?

22. NOT amazing - some weird awful racist shit goes down between james and raheim and it goes on for way too long. and yeah, what james said was ridiculous, but raheim's behavior that prompted james to say that was nothing to be proud of either. ugh it's so ridiculous. james stands up to apologize and is nothing but 'i'm sorry' and 'i'm getting up because i like you' but rahim seems intent to fulfill the 'angry black man' stereotype and its pretty disappointing. the group has to hold him back while james tries to apologize. it's so ridiculous because when he sees its going nowhere, james just goes back into the pool...walks away. raheim continues screaming at james saying 'what?! what?!' (dude he's not challenging you) while pushing away the three girls that are trying to hold him back. seriously guy. you suck.

23. tanya gets her bell rung by mike.

Roommate Ceremony-
wait, Amanda drops number 24 here...

24. Because Mike and Tanya got it on while Tanya was in the single room, she is no longer safe from elimination. hahah! oh PH2, with your made up on the fly rules!

ok, Ceremony-

Tanya picks Mike. Charté remains with Nate. Tihidra stays with Raheim (ooh but Raheim hates Tihidra!). Lauren (who?) goes with Ryan again. Krista goes with the last available male, James. Chelsea goes for her bedmate Ryan.

So now, Ryan has to choose between his east coast buddy and old roommate, Lauren (which?) and the girl he drunkenly hooked up with, Chelsea. And he picks Lauren. Ouch!! Guess Chelsea's not great in the sack.

25. Chelsea is out.

Next week -- A new guy checks in to the hotel.


My Fafa teams:

WRC: Rock of Love 2

The most amazing thing just happened on tonight's episode of Rock of Love. We're at elimination and its down to two girls. These two girls are best friends in the house, but one of them has to go. Also, Aubry (sporting a 50's hairdo from her pinup shoot date earlier, making this all the more wacky) was acting all crazy needy girlfriend all episode and had asked bret not to keep her there a minute longer if he wasn't interested in her. The other, Kristy Jo, got married twice, like back to back from what i can tell, and is still legally married. In addition to this, she's got a kid and a whole mess of baggage. she requested a private meeting with bret and opened her heart to him, saying she was having doubts about staying (when really i think she's just afraid of getting hurt). he went and trash talked her on a date with some other girls, and when she found out she conferenced with him again, where it seemed like he convinced her to stay and she agreed to try and stop acting like a psycho.

ok, now that we're all caught up, on to the second best thing that's ever happened on rock of love. (the first, of course, being in the first season when heather finally saw lacey's true colors and flipped her shit, going so far as telling lacey's dad that lacey sucked bret's guitar every night. it was the 'dicksucking whorebag' heard 'round the world.) So, we're down to Aubry and Kristy Jo and Kristy Jo is crying her little prim eyes out because she's nervous that bret's gonna cut her now that she's decided to stay (even though she told him a couple times she wanted to leave). Aubry is standing there cool as a cucumber, stealing glances at her best friend every couple of seconds. this is all intercut with interviews of aubry saying that she knows that kristy jo is going home tonight, she knows that bret's last pass is for aubry, and her heart has just dropped out of her seeing her best friend like this. bret is fumbling for words trying to come up with the best way to cut the last girl, talking about how today has been an emotional rollercoaster. as he is about to say something substantial, aubry just walks down the carpet towards him and says "if i leave, will you give her another chance?" Then she starts with the waterworks and tells bret that he really thinks kristy jo deserves another chance so she'll leave if he'll let kristy jo stay. everyone is like 'what the fu--' i'm thinking that aubry didn't want to hear if bret liked her or didn't like her, so she sacrificed herself so she wouldn't have to find out. Destiney interviews the most awesome thing she has ever said (and i normally don't care for her)..."Aubry is sacrificing herself for another girl in the house that WANTED to leave. None of this makes sense! They should BOTH get the fuck out of here!" So okay, this is all dramatic. then we see aubry leaving the mansion and she is fucking sobbing and she interviews that this is the biggest gift she's given anyone in a long time so she hopes kristy jo really uses this second opportunity and she liked bret but she loved kristy jo more and its all so weird with her pinup hair. and then. and THEN we cut back to the elimination area, and bret turns over the pass he had in his hand...and it was for Kristy Jo! Aubry was gonna get eliminated anyway. hahhahahahahahahhaahfdksa;jfsa;jfwa. i had kind of secretly hoped that's what would happen, but didn't want it to be true for aubrey's sake. oh man. how embarrassing!! but totally awesome for meeee.

WRC: Rock of Love 2

SRC: Rock of Love Check-In

So I thought i'd do a quick check in here with everyone's favorite trash-tastic celeb boinking show, Rock of Love. and again, i should remind everyone to check out rich's celebreality recap because it's far superior to anything i could do. So we're down to five, and honestly i'm not at all surprised at who the five are. I am surprised it took him this long to dump mia, but who am i to question the mystery that is bret michaels. my hatred for lacey grows every week as if she were a person i actually knew and hated in real life. man why won't bret listen to EVERYONE? she's gonna cut him one day. again though, never question the bret. i personally think the top 3 will consist of jes, brandi, and heather, with jes and brandi battling it out for the prize. this might just be because they're my two favorites. what does anyone else think?