slappin' batman

my brother came across a pretty awesome site today, the Batman Comic generator, which takes a fantastic panel from an old batman comic, and allows you to fill in the dialogue. my brother challenged me to come up with one better than his. i started working on my first one as he sent me his. here is mine:



then i saw his:


and i decided that he is clearly going to win this one. he also came up with these little brill-os.

running tip

words of advice -- you probably shouldn't go for a run after a) having not gone in about two weeks because 2) you had a weird chest sickness that had you almost coughing your lungs out. especially if C) that was followed by maybe the horrid end to that chest illness or a attack of allergies or a different illness that prevented nose breathing the majority of the time, left your upper lip red raw and peeling, and/or forced you to keep little spitoon kleenexes everywhere just in case. even if you think this might be the last day of this illness, you've thought that for the last three days. wait a few more before hitting the old runnin' path again.

it was a beautiful day today. there's no sign of the arctic freeze of last weekend . i could actually breathe through my nose. sure, there was still need for a tissue every now and again, but not often. (if you're squeamish about boogs, you should skip ahead. i'm not gonna be graphic, i'm just sayin.) also, i felt like i could cough something out eventually, but whatever was residing back there just wasn't ready to come out. so i felt like it would be okay to try and start running again. i felt awesome on my first few steps. it was sunny but cool. my breath wasn't labored. my body wasn't sore from coughing. and then i hit the first hill. and breathing became eh...hard. and my lungs were all 'hey, we're just kind of getting back to not seizing at consistent periods throughout the day. chill.' but i pushed on at a slightly slower pace. then that little residual stuff that was hanging out decided to start a revolution. still not big enough for me to force out, but enough to make me emit noises with every breath. to refrain from sounding like an old fat man breathing, i would forcefully cough, which seemed to force it out of the way enough to not affect my breath intake.

i finally get to the last half mile of my run, which happens to contain the biggest hill on my run. this is so close to where i started, i just try to push myself. i'm breathing heavily and i feel that damn little spot of saliva acting up again. except this time, i feel it reaching gag zone. so i'm all, 'okay sara, just don't cough or sharply inhale through your noise and you'll be fine.' and then i cleared my throat. so here i am at the top of the hill, gagging, but i think i'm covering it well since my hands are over my mouth. i have briefly stopped running at this point because usually if i just stick it out, whatever is causing the problem gets cleared and i eventually can breathe again. except, the problem causer is still that same little whatever that isn't large enough to force out. so now it's making me emit horrid donkey noises. oh and i can't really catch a breath because of this, so as i'm gagging/making donkey noises/trying to get a breath of air, i'm thinking about how this is how i die.

i didn't die. i don't think anyone noticed. and i was able to finish the run. but i learned my lesson.

a chin on my shoulder

so this whole jay leno thing. a quick rundown if you don't know -- jay leno's primetime suckfest was canned after five months of low ratings. so now, nbc is offering the 11:35 time slot back to jay leno because they realized what a terrible idea it was to give five hours of primetime tv a week to a man that isn't funny. this, of course, is where conan is, and he was basically given the option of moving to midnight or getting the hell out.

ok first of all, this deal with conan--if i remember correctly--was made like 5 years ago. i remember thinking how far 2009 seemed and how i couldn't wait til conan started hosting the tonight show. this has been in the works for a long time. clearly, whoever was running nbc back then knew that jay leno's shtick was tired and unfunny and it was about time to get a change in the chair.

so then..what, like a year ago? it's announced that jay leno gets this primetime version of his show...because what? everyone loves jay leno? he had the top ratings in late night? nbc was so starved for ratings that they thought that losing jay leno and his late-night ratings to another network would spell the rest of their demise. when actually keeping him did. because look, top ratings in late night do not equal top ratings in primetime. late night is a routine for most people. i love conan, but i'll admit i don't watch the tonight show every night. i've only seen it a handful of times since he's taken over. at that time, i'm busy watching shit i dvr'd from primetime. the people that do watch late night talk shows i think make a point of watching it. so they'll usually be there. as long as you don't screw it up. maybe, nbc, if you hadn't saturated every night with four talk shows, essentially splitting your own ratings, you wouldn't be in this much trouble.

also..what were the fucking options back when they were making this deal? "Hmm, well, if we don't make a deal with Jay now, he's gonna walk to another network. And he's the highest rated late night host. So, that means we COULD POSSIBLY lose the only thing we're winning at. instead of risking that and backing the man we hired five years ago to do this job, let's keep jay doing essentially the same show at primetime. this way, we'll definitely lose the only thing we're winning at. and we'll screw up everything else that hasn't been affected yet. like local newscasts. fuck them. go jay."

i realize that when nbc made this deal with jay, it was for a long period of time. i understand that they probably couldn't have just canceled him...they would've had to buy out his contract. and the last place network probably can't afford that. i mean...they had to realize how this could blow up when they were hammering out the deal, right? and THEN! there was a quote the other day from jay leno after it came out his show was canceled. i'm paraphrasing here, but it was something like "yeah we had low ratings, but nbc also canceled me when i had the best ratings, so..." and it's like. no. jay fucking leno, nbc did not cancel you when you had the best ratings. SEVERAL years ago, they thought it would be a good idea to hire a new face. they made a deal with that person. and then with another person. and these two people changed their lives for this deal that was made a long time ago. their LIVES. conan moved across the country for this job. so that's not really canceling you, jay leno, it's more like you were given notice to find a new job, so you threw a big fit about it. and now nbc is screwed. and conan might be fleeing the network. good for him. and i never thought i'd say this, but i hope jimmy fallon comes out okay also.

desperate housewives

because of my recent move, i had to start over with a new dvr box. i lost the 15+ movies i had recorded and several shows i didn't get to see since i was working crazy hours that last week in ny. usually when i have nothing to do, i'll watch whatever saved shows or movies i have. i rarely watched live tv. i don't really know what to do when i have to sit through commercial breaks. i never really used the hundreds of channels i had because i always had something prerecorded to get by on. however, the new dvr put an end to that.

not only was i starting with a clean slate, i had also recently begun a new way of life in which i don't waste time on things i don't really care about. i cut the amount of tv shows i tried to watch weekly by a pretty good percentage. now the only shows i watch are the ones i can't wait to see. because of this, usually everything i record nightly gets watched that night. sometimes i'll save a show or two to get me through the next day, but no longer will i have a backup of 60+ shows. literally that will no longer happen because my current dvr has about 25% capacity that my last did. so that also keeps me in check.

anyway, all of this preface is to get to this show i recently discovered since i have been forced to watch tv live these days. i remember someone once mentioning it in passing (christine maybe?), so when i was bored and flipping through the guide a while ago, i decided to give it a shot. The show, called "Snapped", is about normal, everyday women that one day SNAP and KILL...usually their husbands. it's kind of fascinating, if unnecessarily graphic at times, to watch these stories. especially when you take into consideration the yarns these women spin to make it seem like the death was "an accident" or "a surprise".

that first night i discovered it, i think they played three episodes in a row (some are half an hour, others are an hour long). whenever i found myself searching through the guide, i found that i would usually put it on Snapped if it was on. and it was on a lot. then, about a week ago, they had a snapped marathon. all day, all snapped. i thought to myself "damn, where'd they find all these killer womenz?" again today, i find myself watching a mini marathon of snapped episodes and what comes on but a commercial for the new year's eve Snappedfest -- another full day marathon of Snapped episodes. this started to concern me when i realized that this show isn't on the True Crime channel or A&E like i thought, but actually on Oxygen. is it a little disconcerting to anyone else that the channel that caters mostly to housewives is CONSTANTLY playing a show about how women killed their husbands and almost got away with it?

greetings from the wasteland

in my thorough investigation of the internets, i have left many an abandoned site username in my wake. usually i really don't sign up for accounts for things unless i know i'm going to use it (or unless it seems like it's something i have to do for whatever i'm trying to get accomplished in that minute). recently, i've realized just how long and random that trail is. various websites like knockknock (which i signed up for to buy my brother an awesome set of novelty cards that were never delivered), world of pop (when i was really into entertainment weekly/vh1's pop culture trivia contests), and emode (we all did those quizzes to pass the time) all have logins attributed to one of my emails even though i haven't been to those sites in years. then there are the sites i used to be on religiously, like friendster, that i should really just close out instead of leaving loose web ends.

one such site is of course myspace. i used to be a strong myspace defender (over facebook) until facebook finally won me over. the sparkly holiday banners and random gifs would almost result in epileptic seizures if i didn't close the window quick enough. but the account is still there because there are some people (...musicians...) who insist on continuing to use it, so i keep it open just in case. i usually hate signing on even just to reject friend requests because in the five minutes you are signed on, you get five more random friend requests. but alas, one of those aforementioned musician friends recently sent me a message telling me he misses me, so i had to sign on in to respond.

i was able to make a quick getaway once the message was responded to, but not before seeing another message. this message was not from anyone i've ever known. the contents of the message were thus:

"we should makeout. lol."


i think...first of all...if you are going to be so bold as to message a random stranger proposing a makeout, you should own it completely and not second guess yourself with an lol. second of all, people need to stop just putting lol after sentences. i went to the store lol! i bought some milk lol! the expiration date is in a week and a half lol!! and third of all...whaaaaatt?

santas all around

can you imagine being an old white man whose personal preference is the full-bodied beard? this look -- old man with beard -- is a pretty basic non-fancy look to sport, but if you are fat and your hair is white, you are automatically santa. even if you are just trying to live your life, you are santa. so, are these guys that choose to rock a full, snowy white beard in their twilight years doing so with full knowledge and not a care in the world that they are rocking the santa look? does it even cross their minds? do they know that i grew up in hawaii, so even if it is not wintertime and i see an old red-faced man with white hair and a white beard wearing a flower print shirt and some khaki shorts it makes me think "HAWAIIAN SANTA!!!"?

phone conversations with my mother

me: today is bianca's birthday.
mom: how old is she?
me: um...let's see, i'm 27--
mom: --YOU'RE 27?! i thought you were--- someone just asked me how old you were and i told them 26 but then i was like 'maybe she's 25'.
me: ...
mom: i can't believe you're 27. you're old!
me: ...and ricky's 30, so that means bianca is 29.




is this endearing or should i worry that my mother is losing it?

wtf?

Box of Doom

I'm watching arrested development as I unpack and it may be one of the best ideas I've ever had. The episode that's playing while I tackle the kitchen is the one in which Lucille crashed the car, but put Michael in the driver's seat to make it look like it was his fault. And they keep mentioning that a bump in the back of the head causes short-term memory loss.

This reminds me (but vaguely and fuzzily) about a tidbit from that car accident I was in several years ago. I remember trying to deduce what caused my head injury. And since I was wading through some pretty severe short term memory loss of my own, this was like a fun game of Clue.

The evidence I had were my busted sunglasses, bent on one side (but not the side the window was on), the book en espanol I was reading on the journey, cover now torn, and the lunchbox. Ah, the lunchbox. One of those harmless 80's plastic boxes that came with matching thermos. That lunchbox was residing on the space over the shoulders of the backseat. And since my seatmate got the force of the rear windshield in her back upon impact, I'm assuming that I got the force of the 'box nailed into the back of my noggin. The lunchbox contained our first aid kit. Between that and how the seatbelt-wearing may have screwed my back up for life, I'm beginning to lose my trust in safety.


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I promise I'm not a threat

This week I drove about 2,500 miles around the country with my bestie without incident (well...one very very minor incident). No speeding tickets, no crashes, no murdered animals (though an idiot possum nearly lost his life to our front left tire), no gas station abductions in Mississippi. Then David headed on his way back to New York and I on my 500 mile solo journey from oklahoma back to Austin. And on my first full day with my brand new car, I got pulled over by a texas state trooper.

Now before you have a heart attack, I wasn't speeding. However, in my twelve years of driving, I have never been pulled over. Not in Hawaii, not when I was manhandling fifteen passenger vans in New York...never. So I was cursing myself out even though I knew that I wasn't speeding. Well, as it turns out, I better brush up on my Texas state driving handbook before getting a Texas license because I was pulled over for a rule I didn't know about -- not moving to the left lane when passing a cop who has pulled over somebody else. I even ALMOST did this. I considered moving to the left as I laughed at the guy who was probably pulled over for speeding, but I was in an area littered with signs saying the left lane was for passing only and didn't want the patrolman to get me for being in the wrong lane. Dummy.

The patrolman was very nice, he explained why he pulled me over and I very innocently told him I had just moved here and was unfamiliar with that particular law. He asked where I moved from and I told him New York. "New York? Not Oklahoma?" he says. My plates that I had just gotten earlier in the day were Oklahoma plates. "Well, my dad lives in oklahoma, and he got me this car." He asked where I was headed and I told him austin. He asked if I was a student and I said no. He then asked for my insurance card and license. This is when I hand over my Hawaii driver's license, to which he exclaims "Hawaii?!". Great, I have now given this guy four different places where I am supposedly from. I'm surprised he didn't cuff me right there for being shifty. We make more conversation about how my life journey has taken me these places and then he tells me he's going to let me off with a warning. Luv him.

So, for my first cop experience, I think it was as painless as it could have been. However, it was pretty much the least bad ass thing I could've been pulled over for, and may ruin my street cred. Also, I really think the only reason he was able to catch up with me was because the car my dad bought me is fire engine red which just screams "I dare you to find me again, oh wait I'm right here."

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Jitters

I'm two-thirds of the way through
my transition from New York to Austin and it's weirding me out how eerily calm I am about this. The day I left my college after graduation I cried the whole half hour drive to the hotel, then continued to cry in my mother's lap the rest of the night, falling asleep there like a big pussy. I was expecting probably something similar or a little more mature this time. After all, everything I know and love - aside from my family and my homestate - is in New York. To be honest, there was one night I had a soft cry and I'll leave you all to think it was the night I hung out with you that that happened (but really it was the night I hung out with you). Other than that, I'm aware that I'm sad about leaving a list of things, but it's been pretty okay. Every once in a while when I'm the one driving I kind of realize I'm not going back to New York and I panic a little. I'm still expecting it to sink in more eventually, but I also feel like all signs point to me making the right decision here.

Weird. Sorry. I'll try not to do more serious times here.

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I'll treat you right

I know I've been super absent recently. I'm in the middle of moving my entire life halfway across the country and working full-time and trying to say goodbyes and clear my dvr but gah! there's not enough time. I did get this handy blogger app for my phone, which I didn't know existed until recently, so I'll try to be better. I'll treat you right babies. Just wait for me.



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my chariot awaits

Meet my new car! Ain't she (or he) kyeut?



this baby is currently chilling in Oklahoma waiting to carry me the last leg of my NY to Austin road trip and she is sitting there without a name.

I always figured I'd probably want to name a car, but never actually thought I'd have to do it. I've never been good at naming. I was a joint contributor for beagle Ben and cat Einstein, but other animals were named by others. Beyond that, I've named a few iPods-- two of which have the same name (albeit separated by a II) and I have one name prepared for a daughter (I'm screwed beyond that).

I considered not naming it because, well...you know it doesn't really need one...but it wouldn't be polite to get inside this lady without knowing her name first. ifyouknowwhatimean.

SO I thought I'd get someone else to name it in our first ever Car Naming Contest!!!!! Enter by submitting your suggestion in the comments (duh). Enter as many names as you want. If somebody else doesn't pick this car's name, I'll probably end up calling it Putt Putt. Whoever wins gets the first makeout with me in the backseat, (unless we are related..then i will select a different prize) but your trip to Texas is at your own expense.

paper bag chronicles

alright guys. here's the deal. this is the 700th post (wee!) and sadly, i think it's been at least a hundy since we've seen becca around these parts. i had this big plan for the 700th post, but it might take a little more time than i originally thought. and sometimes i can't say all i need to say in a 140 character tweet. and shit, i got stories to tell. so whenever the original 700th post ends up happening, we'll make a big deal of it. cool?

even though i'm not as hardcore as some of the other earth lovers out there, i do my best to cut my waste down. i recycle and reuse stuff as much as i can. whenever i go to the grocery store, i take a plastic bag full of plastic bags to deposit in their handy little plastic bag recycler. my point is, i make an effort.

this job that i started two and a half weeks ago (and any production job, really) gives me enough financial comfort where i feel i can do things like, say, eat breakfast. so on my way in, i get a fried egg and cheese (and turkey bacon, bitches!!) or a lil yogurt/granoley, or some sort of cream cheese doohicky, and every time they give me a bag. they are too quick for me to turn it down. the same thing happens at lunch. so i'm getting all these bags, and i don't want to throw them away. they're perfectly good bags. i can save them for when i have kids that are old enough that i need to pack their lunches in brown bags. (you think i'm kidding. you don't know how much stuff i save 'just in case' my future kids need it.) so i started saving these brown bags on the corner of my desk.

before i go on, let me drop some info bombs on y'all. i sit on the farthest side of the office, with a luxury bathroom view. every time someone needs to use the toilet, they need to pass me. (and everytime they need to drop a deuce, i get the first air freshener whiff.) also, every time they pass my computer, there's a good chance they get a glimpse of something i'm researching for work, which in these past few weeks have included photos of lynchings. add to this loner skinhead status that belch that i forgot to put the silencer on for, plus my corner stack of paper bags and i'm probably quite the weirdo.

my original goal in saving the first 5 or so bags was to take them out with me and just offer them to reuse instead of being given a new one. this method was problematic for several reasons. number one -- bags on the corner of my desk don't help when i'm getting breakfast on my way into the office. number two - when i would go out for lunch, i would take only my phone and my wallet, and would constantly forget to bring a bag with me. ONCE. once i remembered and i felt like the greatest little earth saver.

this brings us to today. today i felt like i wanted to make extra effort to make my bag dreams come true. i had even remembered to put a handful (i probably have about twenty at this point) in my bag so that i would have something for the way in. well, missed my shot at breakfast time because i skipped that meal today. as i'm leaving to get lunch, i surprise myself and remember to take my shoulder bag with me, knowing that i just put brown bags in it the night before. i head out and pick up a sandwich. the lady offers me a bag and i say 'no thank you! i came packing'. i grab my shit and turn around to pull out a little bag and see that my bag is empty. in all my wisdom, i took the handful of bags out at my apartment last night (i guess to put them in the Future Children's Belongings pile). so i just shove the sandwich in my shoulder bag and head to a bodega to get a beverage.
as i'm pulling change out of my pocket to pay for the chicka cherry cola, the too fast for me bodega lady has already slid my bottle into a bag and moved on to the next. why i didn't just give the bag back, we'll never know. but i took it. so on a journey that i should've had negative bags, i STILL ended up with one extra.

oh also, another time i had gotten some turkey chili and the girl offered a bag. i said no and she was all 'it's really hot. you're gonna need a bag'. why is the world against me saving it?!?!

Twitter Me This

Well now I've gone and done it. I finally caved to the pressures of society and this ever-changing internet universe and gotten myself a twitter account. i have spent weeks agonizing with this decision, and i figured i was going to do it at some point, might as well just git 'er done. so, i've rationalized it in as many ways as i can think of. i am approaching it not as a way to tell everyone about every aspect of my personal business, but more as an outlet for things i don't feel like writing an entire 140+ character blog about. also, next week i'm going to try an experiment of sorts. Instead of the Reality Corner recaps, I'm going to instead try live "twittering" ("tweeting"? i don't know the lingo yet. call me an old lady, but i actually watched their how-to video. i didn't want to come off as "uncool" to the "twittering masses"). Next week's Top Model will be the guinea pig. so if you're on and interested, you can follow me @pudepaw. there's also a little box on the right side of this blog with recent tweets if you don't feel like signing up.

also, a side note. there might be a little bit of a delay in posting for a little while. i'm trying to coordinate something to happen, i just don't know exactly when it will. so, if you need your fix, twitter will probably be your best bet for now.

the next tom selleck

do you know how our moms would always ooh and aah over tom selleck and 'oh that mustache' and 'he's so handsome' and 'mmm chest hair' about him? and like, growing up, we kind of got it, but not totally because he was old and hairy? or sean connery for the moms before that? man, i think george clooney is totally going to be that for our kids. because we all know he's so hot and dashing, but i saw some pictures of him today where he looked kind of older than he is in a couple of them (especially with that busted up hand), and i could foresee children of the future thinking "hmm, maybe i get it, but he's kind of old and silvery."

picture story!!!

once upon a time, i payed my gas bill. a couple weeks later, i got this in the mail:





Suspicious by the handwritten address, I hastily opened up the letter. Inside, I found the following pieces:




The letter thanked me for my recent payment, but expressed regret that they could not cash my check because of... and the (check here) that was marked was "Damaged by Post Office". Sure enough, there was what looked like my mailing nestled inside a larger US Post Office Envelope. I pulled out the contents:




and found what the gas company had received:



don't you wonder what the post office did that devoured three-quarters of my check? also, national grid is the only one of my bills that requires no postage when mailing it in, but the replacement envelope they sent DOES require postage. DAMMIT!!! i should sue the post office for 44 cents. Is that what it is these days?

Tales of Brooklyn Wooing: Gyro King

i know this is something i've pondered before, but i really do wonder about certain dudes' methods of trying to pick someone up. if you need me to get into specifics, i did so here. catch up if you need to and come back to me.

i went into my fave kensington 24 hr gyro place since i worked late today and had nothing defrosted to cook. as soon as i walk in, a male customer lets out an excited yell. i figure he was as thrilled as i was about the gyros. i walk up to the counter and greet the two friendly workers that are always there (any day, any hour...when do they sleep!?) the one worker that i normally converse with was all "the usual?" and i was all 'Oh Roger*, you know me so well'. (Note: his name isn't roger and really i just said "yes"). then some guy who i had heard yelling in the bathroom comes lumbering out. the first yelling guy scurries up to him, says something to him and gestures to me, to which the lumberer responds with "WHOOOOOOOOOO!!!!! how are YOU doing?!" so now i'm uncomfortable because two random dudes are screaming at the sight of me. between the two of them, they are saying random things about how good i look blah blah blah, at which point my dear friend, roger** (**again, not his name) asks them to stop because i am a very good customer. i kind of fell in love with roger for defending my honor here. then i kind of just ignore this guy and watch the other worker put together my gyro. Lumberer responds to this as "man, why you gotta do that? it's not like the ghetto. it's not like i was all 'yo ma, looking good baby.'

ok, seriously? number one - seriously? number two - i don't know where this kid lives, but ghetto or no, anywhere i go in the city there is a good chance someone will say "yo ma, looking good baby" and third...wouldn't you say screaming "WHOOOOOOOOO!!!! how are YOU doing?!" is pretty equivalent to this "ghetto" example? i mean, seriously. then this lumberer is still rambling on about this and is finally like 'i'm just a guy, wanting to say hi, see how you're doing. i may be a little drunk, but...' at this point i was like 'yes, i can tell you are drunk.' i paid for my sandwich, and in my haste to grab my free soda ($4.00 meal deal!) and get the eff outta there i FORGOT to tip roger!! i ALWAYS tip him, and out of all the times to forget to tip him, it had to be the time that he was my hero! i considered going back to give him the tip, but i was worried the two drunkos would take that as a sign that i wanted to see them again.

the sad thing is that i bet mr. lumberer gets more action than i do. i guess i'm just picky.

the girl with the face

the other day, i was asking a fellow boxing class member about the whereabouts of a third class member. i asked for the third by name, and the girl i was asking had a confused look on her face and asked who i was talking about. i started to say something descriptive, when the girl i was conversing with cut in with "oh! is she the one with the..." and then made a general hand gesture around her face. my response was "yes, her", even though i don't really know what she meant by that.

protect the eyes!!

Nothing like shards of glass flying towards your face to let you know you're back in new york. I was headed to my local Vietnamese sandwich place for some delicious lunch and refreshing lychee boba tea when I was nearly split into chunks by flying pieces of a broken snapple bottle. Someone had descended the stairs into the subway and for some reason tossed this already shattered bottle back up the stairs with excessive force. I had been just turning the corner approaching this stairway (the sandwich place is just past the subway entrance) when I was greeted with these flying shards. There was no warning, just near death/blindness. Gotta love NYC.