SRC: America's Next Top beaten down Model

So, the first lesson i learned on this thrilling first episode of the cycle is that i shouldn't create an antm fantasy team based on the preliminary photos of the girls because a) some of them aren't as pretty as they first came off and b) just because they're pretty doesn't mean they aren't among the most annoying. needless to say, my original team picks of heather, lisa and sarah have been replaced with Saleisha, Jenah, and ebony. i still will be rooting for sarah, but she didn't get too much screentime in the premiere. but i get ahead of myself... we only had one hour to start with this cycle, so we only had time to narrow the girls from 33 to 13. and since we're never gonna see those cut 20 again (even though half of the girls swore to be the 'next jaslene'...puhlease...nobody else can be like that firecracker), i'm not really gonna go over much that happened there. except that there really was a girl named Spontaniouse. for real. i wanted to meet her twin sister Obsequiouse.

We quickly discover that tyra will be even more unbearable-in-that-tyra-way this season. her level of hamminess during just the preliminary round was out of control...the cruise ship drag queen thing was embarrassing..like, for me. she was way into that bikini wax demonstration though, huh? also, tyra, you are not a therapist nor are you oprah. it is not okay for you to coax these girls into giving you every secret of their lives. when marvita says "a lot of people have done a lot of bad things to me", don't ask "like what?" because she WILL answer you thinking that being compliant will get her in the house. then, where are we when she answers that she's been molested and raped and everything is awkward? i don't know where we are, but i know where marvita isn't. in the house.

Ok, basically tyra has a huge budget now and got all these girls on a Royal Caribbean cruise ship for a week to narrow it down to 13. tyra also very uncovincingly says to the jays 'wouldn't this place be great for a finale runway show?' let's hope they don't really do that. poor people who thought they were buying tickets for a regular ol' cruise. let's individually go through this cycle's broken down girls: (seriously, i think tyra's going for some sort of humanitarian award here...)

Saleisha - saleisha was fourth in my original picks and has moved up to the top spot here because she is beautiful and not annoying. she was at tyra's Tzone Camp when she was 14. of course tyra will hang on to this girl as long as she can. she's a poster child for the SUCCESS of tyra's AMAZING camp and ability to CHANGE THE WORLD!!!!!!!!

Ebony - in ebony's original pics, i said she looked quite manly (because she did). she's also slightly confrontational. she also might possibly be the most beautiful girl there...or that could be her $500 weave playing tricks on my eyes. her mom was a CRACKHEAD! the grandmother that raised her and saved her from going down the wrong path DIED!

Jenah - aside from teeth issues i have with her, jenah's not too bad. she also kind of reminds me of lianna from cycle 2 of britain's next top model. (yeah i recorded the vh1 marathon a couple weeks ago. what of it?) she tells the panel that girls hate her/think she's a bitch because she's "beautiful and smart..[she] knows stuff" and "reads books". all that AND she can play beer pong? no WONDER girls hate her.

Sarah - I'm still a fan of this "plus size"...though at least tyra and co are trying to be real about this because she isn't a plus size at all. they're trying to pass it off as 'real size' model. she's cute and not annoying as of yet.

Janet - Janet didn't get a great initial reaction from me, but it seems that it's her hair i should be punishing. she's beautiful and she's got an athletic bod...she's got a horrible 'do. hopefully the makeover ep will shoot her to the top of the squad.

Bianca - looks like brandy. moesha brandy. vehicular manslaughter brandy.

Kimberly - my initial pictoral reaction was "bitch"..but you know, i may like her after all.

Ambreal - is the girl who came in to panel with a shirt, a denim skirt, and then..like bell bottom denim leg warmers. when she changed into her swimsuit, she left the pant legs on. she's that girl.

Lisa - she is another one that will benefit from the makeover ep. she was in foster care for 6 years. is a stripper bikini dancer. this girl got me my 3 points on fantasy top model!

Chantal - the only thing i have against chantal right now is that she looks like real world las vegas' trashy trishelle.

Mila - UGH! Where do i BEGIN!? First off -- she's Jocelyn Wildenstein-esque. her body will kill you. literally. it's terrible. she's bigger on the bottom and little on top. i wish we could've seen why tyra picked this fug over others like jennifer the bahtendah who is blind in one eye. mila is wicked annoying and showy and fake.

Heather - oh geez. ok, heather, out of the gate, was my favorite. based only on her preliminary pictures i thought she was stunning and i was totally FTW!-ing her. then we met her. and i don't know how to finish this paragraph and not go to hell. Heather has Asperger's. and i actually know a fair amount about this sort of family of disorders (including autism), so i'm going to try and approach heather and her actions with this in mind. however, this is america's next top model (even though tyra's trying to turn it into america's next top role model) so there are things that she's gonna put out there that are just going to be asking for it. for example, her hump. she says its from slouching in front of the computer all day. this, plus her general awkwardness adds up to a terrible walk. she knows she's terrible at runway at least...but why do girls come on this show knowing they the are inept at a very important part of modeling? heather is also one of those who "always thought that [she] was ugly." i do think she has some stunning features, but i do not think she's as far ahead as i initially thought.

Victoria - and here we are at victoria. little awkward victoria. this is the girl that i initially was aghast at why she was even in the top 13. she has the self proclaimed fashion sense of a 12 year old boy. she has never modeled before. she is SO awkward. there is nothing about her face or her body that i think would have even gotten her in the top 33. maybe only 33 applied this year. she reminds me of millie from freaks and geeks. she does win some points with me though when she tells us that auditioning for this show started out as a complete joke and she herself is amazed that she made it this far. i have a feeling that her being a Yale student has more to do with her being in the top than anything about her looks.

next week, we really get started. :)