Return to Scientology, Chapter IV: A New Hero

The latest in the scientology saga:

I was walking behind this very tall man, whom i will call "New Hero", and there was a lady scientologist handing out those familiar "free dianetics screening" cards. The man in front of me ignored her at first, so she then thrust the card at me. I dodged her arm as though she were chucking chinese throwing stars at me and New Hero, for some reason (maybe the bright colors on the card) decided that ignoring this lady was a mistake, and that he, indeed, wanted whatever she was handing out. so, he turns back around and takes the card from her hand. i, still behind him, am eagerly awaiting his reaction. will he chuck it on the ground, to join all the other discarded attempts at brainwashing? or will he thoughtfully stuff it in his pocket, so he can throw it away in the privacy of his own home? seconds pass as he studies what's on the card, and then comes his reaction...the NEW best reaction ever...New Hero shouts, "UGH! Scientology?!?! FUCK THAT!" and tosses the card on the sad, wet ground.

I am SO sorry...

...that i can't stop talking about these Times Square scientologists, but I'm so intrigued by their journey. It's like they're just discovering life. Today's chapter involves my friend, Alien Man (once again) and a new character whom I will affectionately call "My Heroine". Their interaction follows:

AM hands MH a Dianetics card. She looks at it, recognizes what it is and, interestingly enough, does not one-handed angrily crumple it in his face, does not discard it in the nearest trash can...does not even discard it on the nearest ground. She takes the time to give it back to him (he, of course, is following her) and says, "No. I don't want this." (!) He responds (creepily) with "Can I talk to you about it?". My Heroine's response? "Absolutely not."

How frickin awesome, right?

everyone loves free stuff!!!

So apparently, around season premiere time in Times Square, if you're in the right place at the right time, you can get a LOT of free shit. Yesterday, i passed the Weeds Munchie Mobile where they were handing out tiny little ben and jerry cherry garcia ice creams, weeds keychain bottle openers (quite possibly equipped with built-in roach clip), brownies, t-shirts and other stuff promoting monday night's premiere of the second season. i walked away with ice cream and a bottle opener and was pleased. and then today, i was handed a tshirt promoting tonight's premiere of parco p.i. on court tv AND treated to a sweet helping of eye candy as a gaggle of hunktastic men in roman gear walked the streets with big banners declaring today's release of the first season of rome on dvd. and all i had to do was walk from the train to work! amazing. i recently watched The Corporation and was educated about the various evil methods of marketing ...but you know, i got a bunch of free stuff so i really don't care right now.
the downside to this showering of gifts is - yep, you guessed it - those crafty scientologists. always trying to ruin everyone's fun. i think they've jumped on the fact that people are now willing to reach their hands out to grab anything right now since there's a good chance it's gonna be something pretty great. instead of sticking to the one block radius they float around in, it's now been expanded to four blocks and their troops have increased threefold. my special friend from last week tried to seduce me with his dianetics film again, but didn't put up as good a fight as last time. here is how our second conversation unfolded:

AM: Hi!
ME: No thanks.
AM: Ok! (walks away)

and now because i feel obligated to promote them since i accepted their merchandise:
watch Weeds Mondays on Showtime! watch Parco PI Tuesdays on CourtTV! buy HBO's Rome, Season 1 on DVD!
(i fell right into their trap)

Those Scientologists have GREAT comebacks

There are a lot of unfortunate things about times square: the people that aggressively try to herd you onto a tour bus, the people that think they can walk veeerrry slooowly and stop in the middle of the sidewalk (even when it's 112 degrees) when all a sister wants to do is get to work, the pockets of warm trash smell...and then there are those whose job it is to pass out flyers. we don't really mind these people because, you know, they're just doing their job. every once in a while, i'll take their flyers because i feel bad about their job circumstances. however, i always feel dirty and tricked whenever i look down to see if the flyer is anything good (once it was a $2 lunch discount coupon!) and it turns out to be scientology propaganda. another unfortunate thing about the times square area is that the scientology center is nearby, so there are many of these little minions sneaking around in plainclothes (and not, as one would assume, in a stretchy, one piece alien outfit complete with footies) trying to turn the citizens of the world onto their side. usually, whenever they sneakily dupe me into accepting one of their dianetics flyers, i'm immediately disgusted and try to angrily one-handed crumple it up right in front of their faces...if i see one approaching me, i turn them away with a "no thanks" before they get a word out. today, i met a special man that would not be denied. kind of. here is our interaction:

ALIEN MAN: (thrusts flyer toward me) We're having a FREE screening of a Dianetics movie-
ME: (laughs in an "i'm better than you" way)No, thanks.
ALIEN MAN: (continues walking alongside me) Have you ever heard about it?
ME: (in an "i'm not buying what you're selling way") Yes.
ALIEN MAN: Good. (continues walking next to me for about 4 seconds. Says nothing. Turns and walks away.)

Coolface:1 Scientology: Katie Holmes